tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-130616892024-03-23T11:12:08.320-07:00the brink of insanity - my journey thru mental illnessA SISTA WITH ISSUES. IT'S BEEN A HELLA-FIED RIDE.mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.comBlogger180125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-575218887858322532013-03-04T22:03:00.001-08:002013-03-04T22:03:08.041-08:00fractured foot and still fighting the darknessmy last post to this blog was in 2008, I think and at that time I was in slight remission. however, here it is seven (7) years later and i'm still fighting the darkness. I am also in the healing process with my right foot from where I got hit by a car on January 25, 2013, and the young lady driving the car ran over my right foot and as a result from that, some bones got broken in my foot. <br />
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in truth, I think subconsciously I wanted to get hit by a car and die, because a whole lot of shit had been coming down on me left and right and my emotional state was in uproar. I have payday loans up the ass, and i'm a full-time grandma to four (4) kids, who I love dearly, but drive me up a wall. <br />
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how did it happen? I was coming across the street from the store and like an idiot, I had the hood of my coat over my face. I saw the car at a distance and thought I could make it but the next thing I knew I felt intense pain and my foot instantly swole up. The young lady who was driving the vehicle stopped and asked if I was alright and by then I was crying my eyes out and screaming like a maniac. But she stayed with me and made out her police report, and by that time the paramedics had came to take me to the nearest hospital, Jackson Park. I was still screaming and crying in dire, dire pain, and one of the paramedics slapped a cold pack on my foot, but it was still puffed up like a souffle' and it was like a living nightmare. after I calmed down a bit, I thanked the Lord for sparing my life, because I was very despondent before the accident. Thankfully, both of my daughters were there with me in the emergency room, along with a young lady that is a good friend of my older daughter.<br />
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right now I just want to run away from here, but, well, cant do that with a busted foot now can I? I am seeing a wound care doctor now because I'd had a huge blood blister on top of my foot from the impact of the car's tires. Prior to seeing the wound doc, I was admitted to JPH for a week, because it was really painful to even walk, and to me, it was a wasted stay because they really didn't do anything except give me pain meds to take the edge off. after I was discharged, I had a regular doc visit at Mercy Hospital (a REAL hospital, ok?) and when my doctor saw my foot, of course she asked what had happened, and when I unwrapped the Ace bandage and showed her the injury, she had me to go straight to the ER so the docs could look at the wound and do some more X-rays. while there, the ER doc made some small incisions on top of my foot which almost sent me thru the ceiling, but he was draining the bruised blood and blood clots out of my foot. he had also instructed me to pack the two incisions with Iodoform (it's a packing strip soaked in saline YEOWCH!) and make an appointment to see the wound care doctor for follow up. I did, and when the wound doc saw my poor mangled foot she immediately went to work to cut off all the surrounding dead skin from where the blood blister had been and then (Lord Jesus, help me) she started cutting out the necrotic (dead) skin and opened up a hole the size of a Ping-Pong ball and began packing it again. she gave me instructions on how to do it and I was to come back the next week for follow-up.<br />
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i see her again this Wednesday, and now i'm wearing this huge Frankenstein-looking walking boot as opposed to a cast. JPH had given me crutches, but i couldn't maneuver well at all with those, so i was able to get a walker from the daughter of the elderly lady i used to work for (btw she passed away in October of last year, God rest her soul) and that was a lot better. now with this cumbersome boot i can use my cane to walk with. <br />
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I thank God every day that He spared my life. I may be crip-walking, but dammit, i'm walking. <br />
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still fighting the darkness too. wont let it get the best of me. i'm just stubborn that way.<br />
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mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-16558524984325148582013-03-04T08:01:00.001-08:002013-03-04T08:01:08.754-08:00I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!hello fellow bloggers it's me mizeeyore. i'm back in blogland and happy to reconnect with the friends<br />
I had come to know. some of you have moved on to different things; some have not. the reason why <br />
I had stopped blogging was that at the time I had no home computer. Anyways, I just thought I would say hello and that I will be back on the<a name='more'></a> blog trail soon. peace blessings and love to all. <a href="http://www.facebook.com/">www.facebook.com</a><br />mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-17860133995126376282007-01-26T13:35:00.000-08:002007-01-26T13:42:30.080-08:00hey everybody!<div align="justify">hello y'all. i'm checking in again at the library. i <strong>really really </strong>miss being online with y'all. i'll be sooooooo glad when i can get back on line to visit my favorite bloggers (and you know who you are *big grin & wink*</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">well. i did get hired at Jackson Park, but it didnt work out for me. i was on probation (not <strong><em>that</em></strong> one LOL) and i got sick. first i had chest pain, then following that was a bout of bronchitis, then my phone service is interrupted and finally *whew* of course y'all know my grandbaby is coming next month. so i have a lot on my plate here, which needed my full attention. </div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">oh well. you cant say that i didn't <strong>try.</strong><em> so </em>anyhoo, as Forrest Gump said, "that's all i have to say about that." </div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">anyways, i hope you all are well, and if you're not, please take care of yourselves because there is only one YOU.</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">big hugs to all my Blogger friends </div><div align="justify">(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))</div><div align="justify"> </div><div align="justify">will post here as i can xoxoxoxox</div>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1165510616224783672006-12-07T08:43:00.000-08:002006-12-07T08:56:56.763-08:00Happy Holidays Everyone!Hello, hello hello to all my wonderful Blogger friends. i know it's been a while, and *sigh* unfortunately i dont have Internet access at home, but there's always the good old library *big cheesy grin*<br /><br />thank you all soooooooo much for the wonderful comments on my being a first-time grandma. i look forward to it and by the way, my daughter's having a boy and from the looks of her, i think he's gonna be a biggun LOL<br /><br />well the phlebotomy class didnt pan out, but that's okay. i hope to be working soon *yay for the looony lady LOL* i went on an interview at Jackson Park Hospital (those of y'all who are from Chicago know which one i'm talkin' bout - i hope LOOOL) and the nurse manager gave me a tour of where i'll be working....in the ICU! man, you can take the nurse out of the hospital but you cant take the hospital outta the nurse LOL. besides i was getting to the point of extreme boredom. and also i signed up with a nursing agency too, to make some money in the interim until i get that call from Jerkson, errrr, Jackson Park. i wont be making a lot, but that's cool. at least Medicaid is footing the bill for my Medicare premiums and my monthly check looks a whole lot better. <br /><br />god, i have missed you guys SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!!!!!!!!! i feel kinda discombobulated without you all. hopefully once i start working, i can get back online again, hell, even if it's only dial-up, shit, i dont care LOL<br /><br /><br />i hope everybody's Turkey Day went well, and i wish to all of you health, happiness and prosperity in the New Year. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukha (sp?), Happy Kwanzaa, and peace blessings and much, much love.<br /><br /><br />here's a big ole hug from me to you<br />(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG!!!!!!!!!!))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))<br /><br />everyone take care of yourselves and each other (yeah i know i stole it from Jerry Springer, so bite me LOL)<br /><br />XOXOXOXOXOXOX to all! i will write again as i can.mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1156953356446037332006-08-30T08:52:00.000-07:002006-08-30T08:55:56.493-07:00hey again y'allhey everyone...i'm still "out of order"as far as my home computer, but i just wanna let you guys know i'm okay and that i'm trying to get back in school for phlebotomy training. also........I'M GONNA BE A GRANDMA !!!!! *big wide grin*. my youngest has a bun in the oven and the due date is February 24. <br /><br />as i can i will check in with you all. in the meantime, everyone take care...i really miss you all.<br /><br />((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1152126025916017842006-07-05T11:59:00.000-07:002006-07-05T12:00:25.966-07:00hey all, i'm still here just disconnectedhey everybody... just checking in (at the Library for now) to let y'all know i'm okay. i'll check in as i can to Blogger so y'all will know i'm still here.<br /><br /><br /><br />everybody take care.mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1150737949217662042006-06-19T10:18:00.000-07:002006-06-19T10:25:49.630-07:00"bloggus interruptus" is lurking and my bank account is shot to hell<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/7565/1133/1600/depressionvangogh.2.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/7565/1133/320/depressionvangogh.2.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">hi everybody. Bloggus Interruptus is a-lurking, so if you dont see any posts you'll know why. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">i'm waayyyy behind on this damn cable bill, as well as my cell bill and if the cell gets cut off, so be it. my checking account is ugly overdrawn because i've had to um, write a few "floaters" to try and keep my head above water, and those fees add up. but it's nobody's fault but mine. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">i wish i had at least $500 to dump in the account to erase those overdrafts but i cant pull it out of the sky, so i'm hoping for a miracle.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">*sigh* anyway, i'm a little down in the spirit today, and nearly dreading the third of next month because my direct deposit is gonna eat the overdrafts.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">i brought this crap on myself, so i deserve to suffer the consequences.</span></strong><br /><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1150660584267361742006-06-18T12:52:00.000-07:002006-06-18T12:56:24.303-07:00Happy Father's Day<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/7565/1133/1600/Coco%20Masuda%20-%20Brotha.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/7565/1133/320/Coco%20Masuda%20-%20Brotha.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><strong><span style="font-family:verdana;">Happy Father's Day to all dads and single moms who are holdin' it down for your children. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">though my beloved Dad is in Heaven with my mother, i will always love both of them til my dyin day.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">also today marks the 19th anniversary of when my Mama died, but i think i'm going to be okay today. the bottom line is that i loved both my parents and if it had not been for them, i wouldnt be here with you guys. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">so instead of being sad on this day, i rejoice because God gave me two parents who gave me love in their own special way, raised me to be the person i am, despite my faults and shortcomings, and kept me from the negative influences of the outside world as i grew up. i thank God for both of my parents, and, as i previously stated, i miss them very much, but i know that they are in the loving arms of the Creator, and that they are free from the illnesses that they suffered while here on Earth, and that they are back together again in Heaven.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">so once again, to those dads out there and single moms - Happy Father's Day.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">peace, blessings, strength, and much love to you all.</span></strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1150478654696116352006-06-16T10:20:00.000-07:002006-06-16T10:26:01.616-07:00fighting to stay strong this weekend<strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">this weekend is Father's Day, and i am fighting with everything within me to not fall apart. also on this day, 19 years ago, i lost my mother. so i'm trying my best to not cry, like i did last year, when i went to pieces, because my dad had just died 3 months prior. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">i think about the times when i was a little girl and how my dad would sometimes take me to work with him, and i would play on the typewriters pretending to be a secretary. i remember going to him for a pair of shoes my mama wouldn't buy for me, and how he'd bring me my favorite ice cream, chocolate, and sometimes take me to the park where the swings were, and give me a big ole push where i felt like i was flying. was i a daddy's girl? yes, i was. i wanted to go everywhere Daddy went, and would sometimes cry when he'd leave for work. i think Mama was a tad jealous that i always wanted to be with Daddy, but that's how it was.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">as i got older, Daddy and i became kinda distant. i dont know what happened, but it seemed once i hit puberty, me and Daddy and Mama were like strangers in the house together. i would go in my room, Mama would sleep on the couch, and when Daddy would come home, he'd go to the other bedroom. and that's the way it was for a long time.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">as i began to show signs of womanhood (breasts and hips) Mama would make me cover myself up in my robe. i wasnt allowed to wear anything that would emphasize my developing body (we were Muslims, so go figure). there were times when Daddy would come in my room and ask me how i was doing in school, and i would tell him. but, for the most part, Daddy would sometimes work into the early morning hours at the newspaper plant, to make sure the paper got out on time. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">anyways, to make a long story short, i still loved and respected my father. when he got angry with me, and whupped my ass, i remember him saying "i'm going to give you something to remember" and at 47 years of age, i aint forgotten them whuppin's. when i got pregnant at 19, i thought for sure my father was gonna kill me, because Mama already had told me that she was, but surprisingly enough, Daddy was actually very calm about it, and merely asked how was i going to deal with it, and so on. Mama, on the other hand, was none too happy about me getting knocked up, and let me know in no uncertain terms speaking fluent Cuss, and telling me that i was a disgrace to the religion and that i had disgraced her, and i remember her slapping the everlovin' shit outta me when i tried to stand up for myself. however, once i gave birth to my firstborn daughter, in February, 1979, she fell in love with my baby, and pretty much spoiled her rotten, even to the point of wanting to take her away from me, because she felt i was an unfit mother, and a slut.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">what brought that on? well, it was on a Sunday and Mama was raising hell about me, saying that i didnt need to have a child because of whatever, and she called me names like stupid, and i was trying to feed my daughter, while she ranted and raved at me. then she said something that brought the anger that had been brewing in me to a scorching boil...she said she would find a way to take my baby from me, because i wasn't shit, and i was in her eyes, a slut and an unfit mother. why, oh why did she say that? before i knew it, i had jumped up outta my chair and had grabbed a steak knife and told her with every ounce of rage i had that she wasnt taking my child away from me, because i would kill her first. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">(side note: my dad had moved to South Carolina around 1977, because he and my mother wasnt getting on well with one another)</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">my mother looked at me like i had grown a third eye and told me to put that knife down, and i told her HELL NO. YOU TRY AND TAKE MY BABY, YOU OLD BITCH (yes i said "bitch") AND I WILL KILL YOU!" yeah. i lost it but my anger had reached a very dangerous level, and i couldnt take it no more. i scooped my baby up in my arms and went to my room and slammed the door shut. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">but i digress. in spite of everything, i loved both my parents, and was deeply hurt when i lost them. i miss both of them very much, and as i said, i'm fighting to stay strong this weekend. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">i think i can make it.</span></strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1150327987124489592006-06-14T17:01:00.000-07:002006-06-14T17:04:54.116-07:00woops! sorry i forgot to tell u why i was admitted<strong><span style="font-family:verdana;">woops! *slaps forehead - duh!* i'm sorry i neglected to tell you all WHY i was hospitalized. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">i was in the midst of a regular routine MD visit and i started having chest pain. it felt like a squeezing sensation, and the pain was radiating along my (L) jaw, my neck, and in between my shoulder blades. i had been having this pain off and on for about a week, and whenever it hit me, i would chew an aspirin (81 mgs). my doc felt i should be admitted to rule out an MI (myocardial infarct, otherwise known as a heart attack).</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">not wanting to take any chances, she had me sent to the ER, where they could do an ECG [or EKG] (electrocardiogram) of my heart rhythms. while in the ER labs were drawn (i already knew the drill from having performed both EKG and blood draws while working as a tech on the Telemetry unit), labs being cardiac enzymes, CBC and one other one i cant think of right now. then the nurse put in a heplock (or IV port if you will) and started a sodium chloride drip. then i was taken to Radiology for an X-ray of my chest (both anterior (front) and lateral (side). </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">the stress test results were good, they found no sign of any heart problems, my EKG was normal and my blood labs were normal. i was discharged home with a follow-up visit with my doctor in 3 weeks. i was sent home with an increase in the cholesterol med i take (Lipitor) from 10 mgs to 20 mgs taken every night, and a new script for my BP med, Benicar HCT, which is an ACE inhibitor and diuretic combined, and a script for Levaquin, an antibiotic to clear up a UTI they found in my urinalysis and also a trace of chlamydia (WTF??), which i didnt know i had. i mean, i'm not sexually active (at least with a man), so i was a bit puzzled as to how i got chlamydia and a UTI (urinary tract infection), because i drink a lot of water and cranberry juice every chance i get. oh and i am on an 81 mg aspirin regimen too.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">so there you have it *smile*</span></strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1150253885332526812006-06-13T19:55:00.000-07:002006-06-13T19:58:05.730-07:00home from the hospital - no, not THAT one<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/7565/1133/1600/docs.3.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/7565/1133/320/docs.4.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">i am sooooooo glad to be home. i was admitted into the hospital yesterday because of chest pain i had started having while at my medical doctor's appointment. my doc took me around to the ER and i had an EKG done and the nurse started an IV on me, and after that, i was admitted to the unit where i used to work, Telemetry. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">they've moved to a different floor, which is larger, but the good thing is all the rooms are private. once i got to my room, i knew the drill from having to do it many times for new admissions - the nurse assistant took my vitals, brought me an "admission kit" water pitcher, cups, straws, Kleenex, a toothbrush, toothpaste, lotion, soap (what makes these hospitals think that patients can get thoroughly clean with such a little bitty assed bar of soap?), bath oil and a comb, two face cloths, two towels (like those little ass towels are gonna cover my big ass LOL) and a gown, and those little sock "slippers". then i had to fill out the admit form (i was half-asleep when the nurse came in), and then the docs on call came in and asked questions, but thanks to my nursing training and knowledge of medical terminology, i wrote out a detailed narrative of what had been going on with me. the doc was highly impressed with my knowledge and told me my notes were better than his *blushing*</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">also when i was brought into my room, they had a dinner tray waiting and as hungry as i was, i dove right into it. surprisingly, it was good. when i was finished eating, i sat up a while and read a magazine, then laid back on my bed and watched TV until i started getting extremely sleepy. i got up and turned off the lamp, closed my blinds and climbed into bed. no sooner than my head hit the pillow, the doc on night duty came in and was blathering on about the procedures i was to have in the morning, and so on. i nodded sleepily, and turned over and went back to sleep. the sleep interruptions didnt bother me because i knew the night shift had to draw labs and take vitals for change of shift. so when the NA came into my room i stuck my hand out for them to draw the blood and went back to sleep. and they were kind enough to give me some of my bedtime meds, so i was really zonked out.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">this morning, the attending doc came in to remind me i had to take a stress test, and that the transporter would be in shortly to take me downstairs to Nuclear Medicine. the transporter came, and groggily i sat in the wheelchair with my bed blanket wrapped around me while he took me down. i was glad to have the blanket, because it was like a meat locker in the NucMed room - brrrrrr!</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">anyhoo, the tech had me lie down and place my hands up over my head and secured me to the table, and then the table started moving up to where this huge machine was. the machine was taking pictures of my heart, after being injected with some kind of radiological stuff thru my IV port, and for the most part i dozed. that was the first part of the stress test. the second part i was taken to the echo-stress room, and again, had to lie down while the nurse slapped a number of leads on me and hooked me up to them. then she hung this thallium solution that would place added stress on my heart and that was to see if i had any kind of cardiac damage. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">that shit was awful. i started feeling like i couldnt breathe, my chest was getting tight, and my arms and legs started hurting something fierce. i couldnt take it, and nearly begged the nurse to please stop the procedure. she did immediately and hung a solution to reverse the effects of the thallium solution, and i immediately felt better. then it was back to the meat locker and again i got another injection of the radiological stuff thru my IV and again the big machine was taking internal X-rays of my heart chambers. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">when it was finally done, the tech called for the transporter to take me back upstairs to my room, to await the results of the test. when he brought me to my room, i thanked the transporter, and went over to my chair and sat down in it. i hadnt had a cigarette within the last 12 hours, and i was edgy and restless, so i slipped my shoes on and walked up and down the corridor. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">while walking the hall, i saw my regular doctor who told me that they were awaiting the stress test results and if everything was OK i would be discharged home. i thanked her and continued my constitutional up and down the hallway. then i remembered i had bummed a cigarette from a lady in the waiting room down in the NucMed room, and yes i know it was wrong, and i should have known better, but i needed to get that monkey off my back, so i took some room spray and a towel into the bathroom, closed the door and put the towel against the bottom of the door and lit up. man, i felt myself coming back to life! i smoked half of it and then sprayed the bathroom real good and felt a whole hell of a lot better. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">by then it was lunchtime, and lunch was actually good. i had meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and three 4 oz cups of apple juice, and two soft chocolate chip cookies - yum.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">after i'd eaten, again, i snuck in the bathroom and finished off the last of the cigarette, making sure i sprayed the bathroom well and by that time, it was shift change - the 3-11 crew was coming on and it took me back to when i worked that shift, and how i would go sign in, get my assignment and then begin my work. there was a lot of new faces on the unit, especially the nurse assistants. while i was walking the hall, i spoke to them as they were coming on duty. they all were very, very nice, as was the nurse who was taking care of me. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">well, once the results came in, the nurse told me she was getting my discharge papers ready, and was gonna take out the heplock in my hand, but i'd beaten her to it LOL </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">i was so ready to go. i called my guy friend Al and asked him if he could come get me and take me home, and he said he would, just to let him know when i was ready. once i got the word i was outta there, i called him and told him i'd be downstairs out in the front. i asked him if he could get me a pack of cigs, and he laughed and said no problem. i hung up, washed up quick, fast and in a hurry, and i took my stuff with me and all but raced to the elevators - woo hoo! i was FREE!!!!!!!</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">i sat outside and waited, restlessly pacing, until i saw him and i gratefully got in the back of his van, and we were off. he stopped at a gas station and got my cigs, and i was literally tearing the pack open with my teeth and popped one in my mouth, lit up and was in 7th heaven. i offered him one and he took it, while i was blissfully puffing away. </span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">when he got to my house, i told him that i was gonna go upstairs and get this CD by this quartet from the 70s called "New York City" so he could make a copy for himself. i went upstairs and dumped my stuff, grabbed the CD and hurried back downstairs and gave it to him. he told me he was gonna burn himself a copy and give me mine back soon. i thanked him again, and then wearily i trudged back up the stairs, grateful to be home.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">(side note: i brought my blanket and sheet home with me. i finally got rid of that godawful, raggedy comforter. now my bed looks the way a bed should look *wink*)</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">and on that note, i have taken my bedtime meds, and now i'm gonna take a shower in my own bathroom, and not with no little -ass bar of soap, but my favorite bar of unscented Oil of Olay Sensitive Skin soap. and then i hope to be in my bed...asleep.</span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;"></span></strong><br /><strong><span style="font-family:Verdana;">that's it. i'm out. peace.</span></strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1145825897697568382006-04-23T13:56:00.000-07:002006-04-23T14:09:50.910-07:00i applied for a job yesterday -- but am i really ready to get back out there?<strong>yeah you read right. i had to go to the post office yesterday, and didnt realize it was quite warm out, and i was wearing sweats and a leather jacket. i see why these fuckers are called sweats - i had a river pouring down my back, shit!</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>anyway. after i left the post office i caught the bus to 83rd street and got off. i walked to the Family Dollar store and went in to look around. of course when i had no money, i saw things i wanted: a cute long summer skirt and a pair of those "J-Lo" shades that were not only cute but only $5. there was no way i could use my "5-finger discount", so aimlessly i walked over to the computer that was in the store where one could fill out an application electronically. so i sat my little short fat ass in the plastic chair and began the application process for part-time work as a store clerk. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>i dont know what made me do it - no that is a lie. i know what made me do it. i'm fucking tired of being fucking broke all the damn time. since Social Security stopped benefits for my daughter, i've been having a hell of a time keeping my head above water. once i take out $550 for my rent, shit aint much left. that's what made me sit down and patiently answer all the questions on the application. i dont care if it's minimum wage, as long as i dont go over the allotted amount i get every month, i can still work and still keep getting my disability. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>the question is: am i REALLY ready to go back into the working world? do i have the patience to deal with people who may have attitudes? will i be able to keep my patience and not snap off on em or throw shit around? it was an impulsive move, and i didnt stop and think about it. so something must be nagging at me to finally get up offa my ass and do <u>something</u>. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>i had been working since the age of 16, and there were some lean moments when i had to apply for Medicaid and whatnot, but then my momma was still living and i didnt have to worry about my daughter (the oldest one). </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>it's like deep down inside of me i want a job again, to feel productive and to give myself a sense of self-worth, and to be able to pay all my bills on time, and have at least a little something left for me. now, would i go back to the nursing field as a nurse assistant? HELL NO. that's what started the downward spiral. however, i still remember how to draw blood (phlebotomy), and truth be told, i miss <u>that</u> part of it -- the other parts, wiping asses and pulling heavy patients up in bed, again a resounding HELL NO. so who knows? there's a lot of these little storefront clinics in the neighborhood that have a blood drawing lab in 'em, so i might go and check around to see if they need help. at least my skills wont get rusty.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>it's funny - you can take the nurse out of the hospital but you cant take the hospital out of the nurse LOL. it's all i've ever known for the last soon to be 12 years next month. i just dont want to deal with the shitty end of it or what i call "bedpan alley". </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>i dont wanna hafta to smell shit and piss and puke much less have to clean it. i dont wanna hafta pull circus-sized obese patients up in bed no more BY MYSELF and messing up my own body. i dont wanna hafta work crazy assed shifts and deal with bitch assed nurses who think it's the nurse assistant's job to do EVERYTHING and they not help, or constantly bug the fuck out of me about doing my job. i dont want that part of it no more. EVER.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>if i could luck up on a neighborhood clinic or doctor's office, that would work for me. i aint gotta hear patients or their families bitch me out because their loved one has sat in a puddle of piss and shit since 2pm when i'm just starting my shift at 3pm. i just wanna be able to find a good vein on somebody, draw what labs the doc wants and send that patient on their merry way. is that too much to ask for? probably.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>however, most of these clinics insist that the phlebotomists be certified, and i'm not. i'm hospital-trained, with 5 years experience under my belt. i'm gonna see what Social Security or Public Aid offers in terms of training programs, especially in phlebotomy. healthcare is still in my blood, and sometimes when i go thru my closet to look for something to wear to my doctor's appointments and i happen to see all my old scrubs sitting on hangers, now too small for my big ass, i have to be honest and say, i miss being a part of it -- mind you, NOT the craziness associated with working on a hectic unit like oncology, cardiology/telemetry or med-surg, but the phlebotomy side of it. i was good at reassuring even the most difficult patients that i wouldnt hurt them. to hear them say "wow, i didnt even feel it" used to give me a great deal of satisfaction, because i took what i did seriously and was pretty good at it. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>*gasp* am i getting better? i must be, if i can sit here at this computer and be honest with myself and admit that i miss being a part of the healthcare team. but it's the honest-to-God truth. i truly do miss it. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>and some kind of way, i'm gonna find my way back....but am i really ready to take that plunge? only time will tell, i suppose.</strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1145395114577189382006-04-18T14:16:00.000-07:002006-04-18T14:18:35.666-07:00holding back the tears<strong>i'm sitting here at this computer thinking back to when i was a child. i suppose it has a lot to do with Mother's Day coming next month, and my mother being gone for close to 19 years. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>i was an only child to my mother, yet the baby sister of my three siblings. i think of the things i went thru growing up - most of it extremely painful. i try not to linger in the painful part; yet, every now and again, my mind wanders into it. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>my mother was a very fiesty, very short-tempered woman. one moment she could be laughing and joking, and the next moment, if she was angry, her words would cut like a two-edged sword, and she spoke Cuss fluently. when she got angry at me, oh my God. she'd find my weaknesses and hammer on them like a crazed construction worker. when she beat me, she had NO MERCY. none. whatever was handy at the moment, be it a book, a shoe, extension cord, wire hanger, or her hands and fists, my body was fair game. i remember her anger at me for taking too long getting ready for Sunday service. she threw a hardcover book at me which caught me in my right eye and turned black and blue. i had to go that Sunday with my eye all bruised and swollen and i dared not tell anybody how i got it, or else.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>dont get me wrong, my mother had her good points...she was an excellent cook, she was extremely clean and kept our place spic-and-span, she knew how to sew, bake bread, and can fruits, vegetables and soups. she even taught home economics to the high school female students, and taught penmanship to the elementary and high school students at my school. it seemed like there was nothing she couldnt do -- except make me feel like she really loved me. i'm sure she did in her own way, but i used to wish that i could talk to her about anything and not get yelled at or cussed at. when i hit puberty, and got my first period at age 12, she basically told me about the menstrual cycle and that was it. talk about sex? OH HELL NO. why would i ask about that? it wasnt gonna happen as far as my mama was concerned. she didnt tell me what to expect if i liked a boy or a boy liked me, and most of the boys were too afraid of her to even think about liking me. in fact, i would get teased about it -- "ooh, i'm tellin' your mama on you" bla bla bla and once it got back to her, my ass was grass.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>i used to get teased unmercifully about being shy, and about how my hair would be braided, and my head being slightly off. omigod, a lot of times i cried, which only fueled my tormentors even more. i've often wondered if i have slight brain damage because of my lopsided head. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>anyways, i was about 5 years old when my mother was going thru "the change." i didnt know anything about it, only it seemed that she was meaner than ever. i remember her being really angry at me for something and she made me pack my clothes into two brown shopping bags and told me she didnt want me no more, and to get the hell out of her house. i started to cry, wondering howcome Mama dont want me no more, and when she heard me crying, she came into my room and screamed at me to shut up and get out. i cried even harder, because i felt like Mama hated me. she stood there and watched me put my things into the bags, and still crying, i dared to ask, where am i gonna go Mama? to which she snapped, i dont give a damn, go live with your auntie, just get out! i cried til i felt like my soul would burst, i was so hurt. i'm 5 years old -- where was i gonna go? how would i get there? why does Mama hate me so much? i thought as i sat outside the door on the carpeted steps outside our apartment still crying my eyes out. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>i had no idea that "the change" was making her so mean. i was a little girl, so what did i know? anyways, after what seemed to be hours, Mama opened the door and with tears in her eyes, told me to come back in and said how sorry she was for how she treated me. i cried even harder. remembering all of this has started the tears flowing as i type these words.....excuse me for a sec.....</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>*taking a deep breath* childhood wasnt an easy time for me. whatever some hateful old sister in the Mosque told my mother about me allegedly "acting up" she believed it without question and i got the beating of my life about it when i got home. she took off her shoe, and started beating me upside my head, my face, my body. i cried helplessly saying 'i wont do it no more mama! i'm sorry!' but my cries fell on deaf ears. i was crying so loud she put a pillow over my face and almost smothered me to death. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>i once thought i could fight my Mama to stop her from whuppin my ass. big mistake. it only enraged her more and she threw me upside the wall and slapped the shit outta me. still angry i yelled at her "i hate you! drop dead!" what did i say that for? the only thing i remember is waking up in my bed and feeling sore all over. plus my head hurt. </strong><br /><br /><strong>then one day me and this other little girl were playing at the clothing factory where our mothers worked. this girl kept on teasing me about candy, and i kept telling her i was not allowed to eat candy. anyways, the girl gave me some of it and said, i wont tell your mama. of course she lied. she told my mother, and my mother was livid with rage. once we got to our apartment, she kept shoving me up the steps, snapping and cussing about how she was gonna half-kill me that night. and she did. </strong><br /><br /><strong>i was trying to vacuum the carpet, and out of nowhere my mother grabbed me up in my collar, slappin me hard and yelling at the top of her lungs. then she picked up this old butcher's knife and backed me into a corner with it, looking at me with eyes of pure rage, and told me "i oughta cut your goddamn head off" as i felt the blade digging into my throat. i was crying and screaming, "mama, please please dont kill me, please!!!!" i swear, i never saw such rabid, feral rage in anyone's eyes like that and still crying and pleading for my life, i pissed myself. finally she threw the knife into the sink and told me to get the fuck out of her face, and slapped me so hard my head hurt. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>i ran into my room bawling my eyes out. i had never been so afraid in all my life. i couldnt even sleep that night, i was so terrified that she'd come in my room and hack me to death. so talk about having the piss scared out of you, that was me. i was about 9 years old, i think. </strong><br /><br /><strong>the first time i talked about the abuse i suffered as a child, i cried like someone had ripped my heart out. i sat in the chair and held myself as i cried. having suppressed all of those memories, i couldnt hold back the tears no longer. it still haunts me to this day.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>i have to go now....i feel the tears starting up again...</strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1145367734715024602006-04-18T06:40:00.000-07:002006-04-18T06:42:14.966-07:00there's no place like home<strong>*yawn* i am tired today. after that little excursion from yesterday, i'm still tired, and to make it worse, i woke up TOO DAMN EARLY!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i called the station and told them i wouldnt be able to make it today. after i took my meds last night, i got dizzy and i knew if i kept standing up, i was liable to hit the floor. so as soon as my head landed on my pillow, i was O-U-T.</strong><br /><br /><strong>i guess when some of us who are battling our respective illnesses and who have isolated ourselves from the outside, when we DO find the energy to actually venture out, we tend to get tired more easily, at least i do. even when i <em>have</em> to go out, for doctor appointments, or grocery shopping, and going to pay my rent, by the time i get home, i am truly wiped out. for real. I. AM. EXHAUSTED. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>reconnecting with the outside world aint easy when you've decided that unless absolutely necessary, you wont leave your house because just the thought of having to shower/bathe, brush teeth, put on clothes makes you want to crawl back into bed and sleep all day. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>now i know y'all are saying, "hey, quit making excuses and get up offa your big ass and get out there!" well, i'm taking baby steps ok? to do too much all in one day gets me overwhelmed , and makes me stay in my shell. and i know some of y'all know what i'm talking about. sometimes just the thought itself will make you TIRED.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>when i reflect back on how i once was, it kinda depresses me. there was a time when the weekend came, i would be gettin' myself all cute so i could hang out with my godson, dance my ass off and just clown all night long. i was practically NEVER at home come the weekends. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>there was one Friday night one of my co-workers had a birthday and she wanted to go out after work. i told her about the spot where my godson DJ'd, and after we punched out, we split up in different cars and headed to the spot. she had a blast, and so did the rest of us. i didnt have any $$$ to give her, so i decided that she should celebrate her birthday at the club. she was overjoyed at the fact, and so there it was. she and her boyfriend went in one car, and me and my other homegirls followed behind. </strong><br /><br /><strong>once we got there, the other two ladies were kinda quiet, and just took it all in, but me and the birthday girl was dancin' and shakin' our groove thangs and havin a ball. i even had my godson to announce her birthday and that the nurses from Mercy Hospital were in the house that night, which had the rest of the crowd whoopin' and hollerin LOL ah, good times.</strong><br /><br /><strong>well i guess i wont be going down to the station tomorrow, cuz the lady called me a few minutes ago and said she didnt need me for the 3pm-4pm slot tomorrow. *whew* i'm glad actually. i still need time to recuperate from yesterday. plus, my right knee is aching something fierce, so i'm gonna chill. </strong><br /><br /><strong>after all, there's no place like home.</strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1145315699149203342006-04-17T16:12:00.000-07:002006-04-17T16:14:59.206-07:00gradually coming out of hiding<strong>that's right...i'm gradually coming out of hiding. i got up this morning, saw it was a nice (yet windy) day and took a ride up to the strip mall near where i live. didnt buy anything (ha, no $$$), but i did "window shop". i went to Ashley Stewart to see what kind of spring/summer clothes they had; pfft, i didnt see anything that caught my eye. left there and walked around the corner to Lane Bryant. again, pffft! didnt see nothing there either. walked further down to the beauty supply store, and just looked around. they've improved and expanded where they have a lot more stuff, and there is a hair salon in the back of the place. luckily i cut my own hair, so that saves me a lot of money.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>i must say it was kinda nice to just take in the weather and casually stroll (albeit slowly) thru the mall and then get back on the bus to go home. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>i think i'm going to keep doing that more often.</strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1144980673609700702006-04-13T19:09:00.000-07:002006-04-13T19:11:13.643-07:00state of shock<strong>i just recently found out over on <em><u>Stephanie's</u></em> blog, <u>Mystickal Incense</u> that i was the prize winner of her "Gay Dinosaur Poetry Contest" omg....i am still in a state of shock because i've never won anything in my life! she's sending me a box of goodies from her <em><u>Mystickal Incense and More </u></em>store. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>i give the credit to <u>MrsHellOnHeels</u> for introducing me to Stephanie's blog, and also for MrsHOH's generosity in having Stephanie re-design my blog, which i absolutely LOVE. thank you all for the kind compliments on the design. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>i am truly humbled, and i cant stop saying "thank you" enough to MrsHOH and Stephanie. you ladies rock! *smile*</strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1144792623678060562006-04-11T15:27:00.000-07:002006-04-11T15:29:19.506-07:00mike check...testing testing one two....<strong>today i had an "audition" for this radio station that is for people who are blind or visually impaired. it's a volunteer on-air reading of newspaper articles, magazine articles and books. the name of the station is called CRIS Radio and they are affiliated with the Chicago Lighthouse for the Blind and Visually Impaired. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>i used to be a pretty frequent reader, and i enjoyed reading aloud. however, once i was diagnosed with my illnesses, i gave it up, because i had no interest in anything i enjoyed anymore. now i find myself gradually regaining my enjoyment of the things i kicked to the curb, and since the weather is becoming more favorable, i think i will be getting out a lot more. i also got Paratransit certified from our transit company, the Chicago Transit Authority. the Paratransit Program is for disabled individuals who are otherwise unable to take the buses or the "El." you call and schedule a ride and a van with a wheelchair lift or ramp or car/taxi will pick you up and take you wherever you want to go for a $1.75, which can be paid in cash, or with the CTA's Full Fare Transit Cards, which come in a pack of 20 for $15.00. i got my certification letter in the mail with my ID number and should be getting my picture ID within 7-10 days. the picture ID has the ADA Paratransit Service logo as well as my ID number, and on my good days, i can still use it along with the transit cards or 30-day Reduced Fare Pass on fixed bus/"El" trains.</strong><br /><br /><strong>but i digress. the "audition" only took like, 15 minutes, where i had to read a list of "difficult" or words that are commonly mispronounced, and then a short paragraph of a newspaper clipping, to test enunciation, diction and clarity. afterwards, i got to schedule days to read. i chose Tuesday, April 18 from 2pm to 3pm, and Wednesday April 19 from 3pm to 4pm. i'm gonna try to commit to my schedule as i can, and the good thing about this station is that it's serving a good purpose for visually disabled people, or disabled folks who are shut-in and are not able to purchase newspapers or magazines. so i feel pretty good about this. it's a no-stress atmosphere, and one doesnt have to be experienced in radio to do it. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>the station is also simulcast on our local public cable channels, and also on the Chicago Lighthouse's web page i've listed below:</strong><br /><p><strong><a href="http://www.thechicagolighthouse.org">www.thechicagolighthouse.org</a></strong></p><p><strong>this organization gives blind or visually impaired individuals a chance to live independently and provide them with visual assistance devices, such as special radios that pick up the CRIS signal, and other things. feel free to visit the website for even more information if you like.</strong></p><p><strong>anyways, that's the 4-1-1 for now. i am pooped and am going to lie down for awhile. peace.</strong></p><p><strong></strong> </p><br /><br /><strong></strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1144548296044763592006-04-08T19:04:00.000-07:002006-04-08T19:04:56.083-07:00nothing<strong>sorry. i got nothing today.</strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1144433979071111052006-04-07T11:17:00.000-07:002006-04-07T11:19:39.113-07:00still crazy after all these years<strong>yesterday i was surfing the 'Net and was kinda bored, and a fella i went to school with was on my mind. i did a Google search and his name popped up. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>i remember back in the day when i was a solemn teenage girl of 16, i used to be crazy about him. he was so fine, lawdhammurcy. he was brown skinned, wavy haired, and had the softest lips. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>time passed and the last time i spoke to him was in 1980, a year after my oldest was born. he had moved to Mississippi where his mother lived, and he would always tease me about never smiling when i was in high school. plus he's a big ole flirt anyhow, and when i called him yesterday, man, we talked for like 3 hours, catching up on the times that have passed since we last spoke. he's married with 7 (yep you read it right - 7) children and the youngest is a year old. but then multiple kids run in his family. he's a councilman for the city of Columbus, Miss'sippi and also active in politics and ministry. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>when i called, i was kinda skeptical about how our conversation was gonna flow, with him bein' a minister and all, and i thought, aw shit, i hope this cat dont be judging me and givin me hellfire and damnation, cuz i will just hang up and pretend i never called. but, i was pleasantly surprised when we got to talking and noticed that he still was a notorious flirt, and some of our conversation got a lil, um shall we say, naughty LOL</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>but it was fun cuz i was flirtin' right back at him and even read him some of my more erotic poetry. i think he got quite hot from me reading 'em and i kinda got a little heated m'self LOL</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>he said he was coming to Chicago around June of this year because his brother is having some kind of cardiac procedure at of all places Mercy Hospital (where i used to work). sometimes i think he's just being mannish cuz he has a kind of wicked laugh that kinda eases its way thru my body, like it did yesterday. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>*shaking head and smiling* still crazy after all these years. </strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1144216960020260772006-04-04T23:01:00.000-07:002006-04-04T23:09:43.686-07:00nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide<strong>strange. i've only been back online for two days and i feel like hiding again. i have a desktop notepad journal with the same title as this blog, and had been writing in it while i was disconnected from the internet. it seemed like my writing came with a natural flow, where i could be as raw and as deep as i wanted. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>maybe it's because nobody was reading it but me. not that i dont enjoy writing my thoughts and feelings out here, but in a way it's like, well, <em>work</em>. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>sometimes i feel like what i write here makes no sense, or just a bunch of jumbled, scattered thoughts injected with wry humor at times. sometimes i feel like a blithering, blathering, whining old bag about my aches and pains, perimenopausal symptoms, and other scrambled, random shit. *sigh*</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>here it is 12:30 in the morning and i'm sitting here on my big fat ass typing shit i that i havent the slightest idea what it's about. maybe it's the meds; maybe it's just me, i dunno. i visit other blogs and they seem so much more interesting than mine. tho i love the new design of the blog, deep down inside i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and running away.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>maybe i'm still stressed out from being on the go all last week. last Tuesday i was in the ER with my daughter who was having abdominal pain, and we were there a good six and a half hours. then i was on the go again the next day, going to the store to get some food and some $$$ from people i knew, then again the <em>next</em> day, same thing, then this past Saturday having to go grocery shopping only to find the store with wall-to-wall shoppers because we all get our food stamps on the first of the month, and everybody's trying to stock up with food to last until the 1st of next month.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>and this is weird: i bought $192 worth of groceries, and it seems all i wanna eat is junk food - i bought some blue corn tortilla chips which were quite good, some of those "fun size" candies like Milky Ways, Snickers and Reese's cups. mind you i did buy actual food, but it's the sugar and salt cravings that have been fueling my gluttony.</strong><br /><br /><strong>i have loads of chicken, some steaks, greens, canned goods and other stuff. i even bought some EVOO (extra-virgin olive oil - i am a huge fan of Rachael Ray's "30 Minute Meals" show on the Food Channel) and some balsamic vinegar too. from watching shows like hers i mentally pick up cooking tips, and i decided to keep some E.V.O.O and balsamic vinegar on hand to make vinagrettes, or cook shrimp in the olive oil. but here's the thing -- i dont wanna cook! maybe cuz i cooked three days in a row and i just aint got the energy to be slingin pots and pans. i bought some prewashed mustard greens and i know if i dont cook 'em soon, they're gonna wilt and go bad. i have a lot of dinner ideas in my head, but when it comes to executing those ideas, the desire fizzles out. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>and, here of late i have been glued to the Food Channel for some reason. as mentioned before, i love Rachael Ray, but i also love Paula Deen's "suhthun" cooking show, Iron Chef America, and quite a few others. maybe it's just watching them cook holds my attention and fascination or something, shit i dont know. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>i dont know what's going on with me. i still feel like running away but it's kinda hard when there's nowhere to run to and nowhere to hide.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>oh well. lemme find my bag of cheese tortilla chips...</strong><br /><br /><strong></strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1144172241850263522006-04-04T10:35:00.000-07:002006-04-04T10:37:21.963-07:00living in confusion<strong>that's about right. i am living in confusion. sometimes i dont know up from down, right from left, this or that. it's real fucked up when one is in that state (you might say a "blue" state...okay, that was a lame attempt at humor and it bombed, sue me)</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>even though here of late, i've been getting out more, and doing things i need to do and energy to do them (i guess thanks to the iron pills), i still feel like i'm going nowhere fast. i've made some changes; i opened a new bank account with a different bank, i FINALLY stopped talking to the homophobe bitch, and trying to do what i can as far as keeping my family's head above water. that should make me feel good, right?</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>*sigh* it's like i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop yanno? to some of y'all, those accomplishments sound great; however, to me it's like i'm on autopilot or something. i dunno...maybe that's a good thing, then again, maybe it's not. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>so what is the problem? hell if i know. i just feel confused, discombobulated, like i'm not in my body or some shit like that. </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>maybe one day i'll figure it out...</strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1144170869079112402006-04-04T10:13:00.000-07:002006-04-04T23:19:49.526-07:00junkfood junkie<strong>i went grocery shopping this past Saturday because my cupboard was totally bare, and i got tired of seeing the one mouse that occasionally scurries thru my kitchen holding a picket sign with his union number saying "cruel and unusual torture! where the fuck is the food!" </strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>i bought the usual things, but for some reason i wanted to just pig out on junkfood,i.e., potato chips, cheesy poufs (ala "South Park" LOL), nachos and candy. i know i'm not due for my period anytime soon, and i have enough stuff to make a decent dinner, but right now junkfood is my friend. i mean, i have chicken wings, boneless/skinless chicken breasts, and other stuff; yet my cravings for this non-nutritive stuff is gettin outta control (damn you Seroquel GRRRRRRR)</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>makes me think of the song "Pusher Man" from the movie "Super Fly" only i've changed the words around and called it "Junk Food Man." dig it....</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>i'm yo mama</strong><br /><strong>i'm yo daddy</strong><br /><strong>i'm that sto'</strong><br /><strong>'cross the alley</strong><br /><strong>i got what you need</strong><br /><strong>chips or candy</strong><br /><strong>nachos </strong><br /><strong>wit da cheese</strong><br /><strong>you kno' me</strong><br /><strong>i'm yo friend</strong><br /><strong>i'm yo buddy </strong><br /><strong>to da end</strong><br /><strong>i'm yo </strong><br /><strong>junkfood man..."</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>this is a damn shame. i'm already big as a fuckin' house, yet all i wanna do is just gobble down chips, sammiches (peanut butter, salami and cheese) and nothing else. this is sick i know, to have weird cravings for nothin' but junk food (and FYI: NO I AM NOT PREGNANT!) *ahem*</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>now then. i was wondering if anyone else have had these cravings for only junk food....or am i just a lazy, fat douchebag who should go on a fucking diet? inquirin' minds wanna know.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>meanwhile i'm going to eat one of my Reese's cups...</strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1144049342893274832006-04-03T00:27:00.000-07:002006-04-03T00:29:03.010-07:00"Bloggus Interruptus"<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/7565/1133/1600/dancinglady.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/7565/1133/320/dancinglady.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><strong>hey everybody! i am SOOOO glad to be back online with my favorite people...the Blog Posse *grins* i have missed y'all soooooo much!!!!</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>unfortunately i was suffering from "bloggus interruptus" because -- well let's just say i had a bit of a snafu with my cable/internet bill. but it's been taken care of as of a few minutes ago, and hey, i'm back online!</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>again, many many many thanks to Bug (MrsHOH) for her wonderful gift to me. i am truly touched and humbled. i love you Bug! also to Stephanie (Mystickal Incense) for her talents in redesigning my blog. i thank you so much hon! Hugs!! (((((((((((((((Bug & Stephanie))))))))))</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>to the rest of the Posse....i'm glad we're friends and i'm glad to be back *smile*</strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1143179990790630262006-03-23T21:58:00.000-08:002006-03-23T21:59:50.876-08:00new and improved blog design<strong>i am simply overwhelmed with gratitude to Bug (MrsHOH) for her gift to me in getting a new look for my blog, and to <u>Stephanie</u> (Mystickal Incense) for the fantastic design! i love you both and words cannot express how happy this makes me. i am humbled by both of you for being so kind and gracious with your generosity and your time.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>these wonderful things are making me see that there are still good, kind and true people in the world, and i thank you both for replacing the cynicism i have had towards humanity with hope and trust.</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>much much much love to you both. Bug, i hope you are feeling better hon! Stephanie, i wish i could hug you in person! you are extremely talented, and i cant stop thanking you enough!</strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>peace blessings and love to the both of you!</strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13061689.post-1143044032305121452006-03-22T08:12:00.000-08:002006-03-22T08:13:52.306-08:00standing in the shadows of nothing<strong>once again i have nothing to say. so i will retreat into the shadows of nothing until further notice.</strong>mizeeyorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05085965369981767033noreply@blogger.com5