the brink of insanity - my journey thru mental illness

hey everybody!

2007-01-26T13:35:00.000-08:00

hello y'all. i'm checking in again at the library. i really really miss being online with y'all. i'll be sooooooo glad when i can get back on line to visit my favorite bloggers (and you know who you are *big grin & wink*

well. i did get hired at Jackson Park, but it didnt work out for me. i was on probation (not that one LOL) and i got sick. first i had chest pain, then following that was a bout of bronchitis, then my phone service is interrupted and finally *whew* of course y'all know my grandbaby is coming next month. so i have a lot on my plate here, which needed my full attention.

oh well. you cant say that i didn't try. so anyhoo, as Forrest Gump said, "that's all i have to say about that."

anyways, i hope you all are well, and if you're not, please take care of yourselves because there is only one YOU.

big hugs to all my Blogger friends

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will post here as i can xoxoxoxox

Happy Holidays Everyone!

2006-12-07T08:43:00.000-08:00

Hello, hello hello to all my wonderful Blogger friends. i know it's been a while, and *sigh* unfortunately i dont have Internet access at home, but there's always the good old library *big cheesy grin*

thank you all soooooooo much for the wonderful comments on my being a first-time grandma. i look forward to it and by the way, my daughter's having a boy and from the looks of her, i think he's gonna be a biggun LOL

well the phlebotomy class didnt pan out, but that's okay. i hope to be working soon *yay for the looony lady LOL* i went on an interview at Jackson Park Hospital (those of y'all who are from Chicago know which one i'm talkin' bout - i hope LOOOL) and the nurse manager gave me a tour of where i'll be working....in the ICU! man, you can take the nurse out of the hospital but you cant take the hospital outta the nurse LOL. besides i was getting to the point of extreme boredom. and also i signed up with a nursing agency too, to make some money in the interim until i get that call from Jerkson, errrr, Jackson Park. i wont be making a lot, but that's cool. at least Medicaid is footing the bill for my Medicare premiums and my monthly check looks a whole lot better.

god, i have missed you guys SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!!!!!!!!! i feel kinda discombobulated without you all. hopefully once i start working, i can get back online again, hell, even if it's only dial-up, shit, i dont care LOL

i hope everybody's Turkey Day went well, and i wish to all of you health, happiness and prosperity in the New Year. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukha (sp?), Happy Kwanzaa, and peace blessings and much, much love.

here's a big ole hug from me to you
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everyone take care of yourselves and each other (yeah i know i stole it from Jerry Springer, so bite me LOL)

XOXOXOXOXOXOX to all! i will write again as i can.

hey again y'all

2006-08-30T08:52:00.000-07:00

hey everyone...i'm still "out of order"as far as my home computer, but i just wanna let you guys know i'm okay and that i'm trying to get back in school for phlebotomy training. also........I'M GONNA BE A GRANDMA !!!!! *big wide grin*. my youngest has a bun in the oven and the due date is February 24.

as i can i will check in with you all. in the meantime, everyone take care...i really miss you all.

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hey all, i'm still here just disconnected

2006-07-05T11:59:00.000-07:00

hey everybody... just checking in (at the Library for now) to let y'all know i'm okay. i'll check in as i can to Blogger so y'all will know i'm still here.

everybody take care.

"bloggus interruptus" is lurking and my bank account is shot to hell

2006-06-19T10:18:00.000-07:00

hi everybody. Bloggus Interruptus is a-lurking, so if you dont see any posts you'll know why.

i'm waayyyy behind on this damn cable bill, as well as my cell bill and if the cell gets cut off, so be it. my checking account is ugly overdrawn because i've had to um, write a few "floaters" to try and keep my head above water, and those fees add up. but it's nobody's fault but mine.

i wish i had at least $500 to dump in the account to erase those overdrafts but i cant pull it out of the sky, so i'm hoping for a miracle.

*sigh* anyway, i'm a little down in the spirit today, and nearly dreading the third of next month because my direct deposit is gonna eat the overdrafts.

i brought this crap on myself, so i deserve to suffer the consequences.

Happy Father's Day

2006-06-18T12:52:00.000-07:00

Happy Father's Day to all dads and single moms who are holdin' it down for your children.

though my beloved Dad is in Heaven with my mother, i will always love both of them til my dyin day.

also today marks the 19th anniversary of when my Mama died, but i think i'm going to be okay today. the bottom line is that i loved both my parents and if it had not been for them, i wouldnt be here with you guys.

so instead of being sad on this day, i rejoice because God gave me two parents who gave me love in their own special way, raised me to be the person i am, despite my faults and shortcomings, and kept me from the negative influences of the outside world as i grew up. i thank God for both of my parents, and, as i previously stated, i miss them very much, but i know that they are in the loving arms of the Creator, and that they are free from the illnesses that they suffered while here on Earth, and that they are back together again in Heaven.

so once again, to those dads out there and single moms - Happy Father's Day.

peace, blessings, strength, and much love to you all.

fighting to stay strong this weekend

2006-06-16T10:20:00.000-07:00

this weekend is Father's Day, and i am fighting with everything within me to not fall apart. also on this day, 19 years ago, i lost my mother. so i'm trying my best to not cry, like i did last year, when i went to pieces, because my dad had just died 3 months prior.

i think about the times when i was a little girl and how my dad would sometimes take me to work with him, and i would play on the typewriters pretending to be a secretary. i remember going to him for a pair of shoes my mama wouldn't buy for me, and how he'd bring me my favorite ice cream, chocolate, and sometimes take me to the park where the swings were, and give me a big ole push where i felt like i was flying. was i a daddy's girl? yes, i was. i wanted to go everywhere Daddy went, and would sometimes cry when he'd leave for work. i think Mama was a tad jealous that i always wanted to be with Daddy, but that's how it was.

as i got older, Daddy and i became kinda distant. i dont know what happened, but it seemed once i hit puberty, me and Daddy and Mama were like strangers in the house together. i would go in my room, Mama would sleep on the couch, and when Daddy would come home, he'd go to the other bedroom. and that's the way it was for a long time.

as i began to show signs of womanhood (breasts and hips) Mama would make me cover myself up in my robe. i wasnt allowed to wear anything that would emphasize my developing body (we were Muslims, so go figure). there were times when Daddy would come in my room and ask me how i was doing in school, and i would tell him. but, for the most part, Daddy would sometimes work into the early morning hours at the newspaper plant, to make sure the paper got out on time.

anyways, to make a long story short, i still loved and respected my father. when he got angry with me, and whupped my ass, i remember him saying "i'm going to give you something to remember" and at 47 years of age, i aint forgotten them whuppin's. when i got pregnant at 19, i thought for sure my father was gonna kill me, because Mama already had told me that she was, but surprisingly enough, Daddy was actually very calm about it, and merely asked how was i going to deal with it, and so on. Mama, on the other hand, was none too happy about me getting knocked up, and let me know in no uncertain terms speaking fluent Cuss, and telling me that i was a disgrace to the religion and that i had disgraced her, and i remember her slapping the everlovin' shit outta me when i tried to stand up for myself. however, once i gave birth to my firstborn daughter, in February, 1979, she fell in love with my baby, and pretty much spoiled her rotten, even to the point of wanting to take her away from me, because she felt i was an unfit mother, and a slut.

what brought that on? well, it was on a Sunday and Mama was raising hell about me, saying that i didnt need to have a child because of whatever, and she called me names like stupid, and i was trying to feed my daughter, while she ranted and raved at me. then she said something that brought the anger that had been brewing in me to a scorching boil...she said she would find a way to take my baby from me, because i wasn't shit, and i was in her eyes, a slut and an unfit mother. why, oh why did she say that? before i knew it, i had jumped up outta my chair and had grabbed a steak knife and told her with every ounce of rage i had that she wasnt taking my child away from me, because i would kill her first.

(side note: my dad had moved to South Carolina around 1977, because he and my mother wasnt getting on well with one another)

my mother looked at me like i had grown a third eye and told me to put that knife down, and i told her HELL NO. YOU TRY AND TAKE MY BABY, YOU OLD BITCH (yes i said "bitch") AND I WILL KILL YOU!" yeah. i lost it but my anger had reached a very dangerous level, and i couldnt take it no more. i scooped my baby up in my arms and went to my room and slammed the door shut.

but i digress. in spite of everything, i loved both my parents, and was deeply hurt when i lost them. i miss both of them very much, and as i said, i'm fighting to stay strong this weekend.

i think i can make it.

woops! sorry i forgot to tell u why i was admitted

2006-06-14T17:01:00.000-07:00

woops! *slaps forehead - duh!* i'm sorry i neglected to tell you all WHY i was hospitalized.

i was in the midst of a regular routine MD visit and i started having chest pain. it felt like a squeezing sensation, and the pain was radiating along my (L) jaw, my neck, and in between my shoulder blades. i had been having this pain off and on for about a week, and whenever it hit me, i would chew an aspirin (81 mgs). my doc felt i should be admitted to rule out an MI (myocardial infarct, otherwise known as a heart attack).

not wanting to take any chances, she had me sent to the ER, where they could do an ECG [or EKG] (electrocardiogram) of my heart rhythms. while in the ER labs were drawn (i already knew the drill from having performed both EKG and blood draws while working as a tech on the Telemetry unit), labs being cardiac enzymes, CBC and one other one i cant think of right now. then the nurse put in a heplock (or IV port if you will) and started a sodium chloride drip. then i was taken to Radiology for an X-ray of my chest (both anterior (front) and lateral (side).

the stress test results were good, they found no sign of any heart problems, my EKG was normal and my blood labs were normal. i was discharged home with a follow-up visit with my doctor in 3 weeks. i was sent home with an increase in the cholesterol med i take (Lipitor) from 10 mgs to 20 mgs taken every night, and a new script for my BP med, Benicar HCT, which is an ACE inhibitor and diuretic combined, and a script for Levaquin, an antibiotic to clear up a UTI they found in my urinalysis and also a trace of chlamydia (WTF??), which i didnt know i had. i mean, i'm not sexually active (at least with a man), so i was a bit puzzled as to how i got chlamydia and a UTI (urinary tract infection), because i drink a lot of water and cranberry juice every chance i get. oh and i am on an 81 mg aspirin regimen too.

so there you have it *smile*

home from the hospital - no, not THAT one

2006-06-13T19:55:00.000-07:00

i am sooooooo glad to be home. i was admitted into the hospital yesterday because of chest pain i had started having while at my medical doctor's appointment. my doc took me around to the ER and i had an EKG done and the nurse started an IV on me, and after that, i was admitted to the unit where i used to work, Telemetry.

they've moved to a different floor, which is larger, but the good thing is all the rooms are private. once i got to my room, i knew the drill from having to do it many times for new admissions - the nurse assistant took my vitals, brought me an "admission kit" water pitcher, cups, straws, Kleenex, a toothbrush, toothpaste, lotion, soap (what makes these hospitals think that patients can get thoroughly clean with such a little bitty assed bar of soap?), bath oil and a comb, two face cloths, two towels (like those little ass towels are gonna cover my big ass LOL) and a gown, and those little sock "slippers". then i had to fill out the admit form (i was half-asleep when the nurse came in), and then the docs on call came in and asked questions, but thanks to my nursing training and knowledge of medical terminology, i wrote out a detailed narrative of what had been going on with me. the doc was highly impressed with my knowledge and told me my notes were better than his *blushing*

also when i was brought into my room, they had a dinner tray waiting and as hungry as i was, i dove right into it. surprisingly, it was good. when i was finished eating, i sat up a while and read a magazine, then laid back on my bed and watched TV until i started getting extremely sleepy. i got up and turned off the lamp, closed my blinds and climbed into bed. no sooner than my head hit the pillow, the doc on night duty came in and was blathering on about the procedures i was to have in the morning, and so on. i nodded sleepily, and turned over and went back to sleep. the sleep interruptions didnt bother me because i knew the night shift had to draw labs and take vitals for change of shift. so when the NA came into my room i stuck my hand out for them to draw the blood and went back to sleep. and they were kind enough to give me some of my bedtime meds, so i was really zonked out.

this morning, the attending doc came in to remind me i had to take a stress test, and that the transporter would be in shortly to take me downstairs to Nuclear Medicine. the transporter came, and groggily i sat in the wheelchair with my bed blanket wrapped around me while he took me down. i was glad to have the blanket, because it was like a meat locker in the NucMed room - brrrrrr!

anyhoo, the tech had me lie down and place my hands up over my head and secured me to the table, and then the table started moving up to where this huge machine was. the machine was taking pictures of my heart, after being injected with some kind of radiological stuff thru my IV port, and for the most part i dozed. that was the first part of the stress test. the second part i was taken to the echo-stress room, and again, had to lie down while the nurse slapped a number of leads on me and hooked me up to them. then she hung this thallium solution that would place added stress on my heart and that was to see if i had any kind of cardiac damage.

that shit was awful. i started feeling like i couldnt breathe, my chest was getting tight, and my arms and legs started hurting something fierce. i couldnt take it, and nearly begged the nurse to please stop the procedure. she did immediately and hung a solution to reverse the effects of the thallium solution, and i immediately felt better. then it was back to the meat locker and again i got another injection of the radiological stuff thru my IV and again the big machine was taking internal X-rays of my heart chambers.

when it was finally done, the tech called for the transporter to take me back upstairs to my room, to await the results of the test. when he brought me to my room, i thanked the transporter, and went over to my chair and sat down in it. i hadnt had a cigarette within the last 12 hours, and i was edgy and restless, so i slipped my shoes on and walked up and down the corridor.

while walking the hall, i saw my regular doctor who told me that they were awaiting the stress test results and if everything was OK i would be discharged home. i thanked her and continued my constitutional up and down the hallway. then i remembered i had bummed a cigarette from a lady in the waiting room down in the NucMed room, and yes i know it was wrong, and i should have known better, but i needed to get that monkey off my back, so i took some room spray and a towel into the bathroom, closed the door and put the towel against the bottom of the door and lit up. man, i felt myself coming back to life! i smoked half of it and then sprayed the bathroom real good and felt a whole hell of a lot better.

by then it was lunchtime, and lunch was actually good. i had meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and three 4 oz cups of apple juice, and two soft chocolate chip cookies - yum.

after i'd eaten, again, i snuck in the bathroom and finished off the last of the cigarette, making sure i sprayed the bathroom well and by that time, it was shift change - the 3-11 crew was coming on and it took me back to when i worked that shift, and how i would go sign in, get my assignment and then begin my work. there was a lot of new faces on the unit, especially the nurse assistants. while i was walking the hall, i spoke to them as they were coming on duty. they all were very, very nice, as was the nurse who was taking care of me.

well, once the results came in, the nurse told me she was getting my discharge papers ready, and was gonna take out the heplock in my hand, but i'd beaten her to it LOL

i was so ready to go. i called my guy friend Al and asked him if he could come get me and take me home, and he said he would, just to let him know when i was ready. once i got the word i was outta there, i called him and told him i'd be downstairs out in the front. i asked him if he could get me a pack of cigs, and he laughed and said no problem. i hung up, washed up quick, fast and in a hurry, and i took my stuff with me and all but raced to the elevators - woo hoo! i was FREE!!!!!!!

i sat outside and waited, restlessly pacing, until i saw him and i gratefully got in the back of his van, and we were off. he stopped at a gas station and got my cigs, and i was literally tearing the pack open with my teeth and popped one in my mouth, lit up and was in 7th heaven. i offered him one and he took it, while i was blissfully puffing away.

when he got to my house, i told him that i was gonna go upstairs and get this CD by this quartet from the 70s called "New York City" so he could make a copy for himself. i went upstairs and dumped my stuff, grabbed the CD and hurried back downstairs and gave it to him. he told me he was gonna burn himself a copy and give me mine back soon. i thanked him again, and then wearily i trudged back up the stairs, grateful to be home.

(side note: i brought my blanket and sheet home with me. i finally got rid of that godawful, raggedy comforter. now my bed looks the way a bed should look *wink*)

and on that note, i have taken my bedtime meds, and now i'm gonna take a shower in my own bathroom, and not with no little -ass bar of soap, but my favorite bar of unscented Oil of Olay Sensitive Skin soap. and then i hope to be in my bed...asleep.

that's it. i'm out. peace.

i applied for a job yesterday -- but am i really ready to get back out there?

2006-04-23T13:56:00.000-07:00

yeah you read right. i had to go to the post office yesterday, and didnt realize it was quite warm out, and i was wearing sweats and a leather jacket. i see why these fuckers are called sweats - i had a river pouring down my back, shit!

anyway. after i left the post office i caught the bus to 83rd street and got off. i walked to the Family Dollar store and went in to look around. of course when i had no money, i saw things i wanted: a cute long summer skirt and a pair of those "J-Lo" shades that were not only cute but only $5. there was no way i could use my "5-finger discount", so aimlessly i walked over to the computer that was in the store where one could fill out an application electronically. so i sat my little short fat ass in the plastic chair and began the application process for part-time work as a store clerk.

i dont know what made me do it - no that is a lie. i know what made me do it. i'm fucking tired of being fucking broke all the damn time. since Social Security stopped benefits for my daughter, i've been having a hell of a time keeping my head above water. once i take out $550 for my rent, shit aint much left. that's what made me sit down and patiently answer all the questions on the application. i dont care if it's minimum wage, as long as i dont go over the allotted amount i get every month, i can still work and still keep getting my disability.

the question is: am i REALLY ready to go back into the working world? do i have the patience to deal with people who may have attitudes? will i be able to keep my patience and not snap off on em or throw shit around? it was an impulsive move, and i didnt stop and think about it. so something must be nagging at me to finally get up offa my ass and do something.

i had been working since the age of 16, and there were some lean moments when i had to apply for Medicaid and whatnot, but then my momma was still living and i didnt have to worry about my daughter (the oldest one).

it's like deep down inside of me i want a job again, to feel productive and to give myself a sense of self-worth, and to be able to pay all my bills on time, and have at least a little something left for me. now, would i go back to the nursing field as a nurse assistant? HELL NO. that's what started the downward spiral. however, i still remember how to draw blood (phlebotomy), and truth be told, i miss that part of it -- the other parts, wiping asses and pulling heavy patients up in bed, again a resounding HELL NO. so who knows? there's a lot of these little storefront clinics in the neighborhood that have a blood drawing lab in 'em, so i might go and check around to see if they need help. at least my skills wont get rusty.

it's funny - you can take the nurse out of the hospital but you cant take the hospital out of the nurse LOL. it's all i've ever known for the last soon to be 12 years next month. i just dont want to deal with the shitty end of it or what i call "bedpan alley".

i dont wanna hafta to smell shit and piss and puke much less have to clean it. i dont wanna hafta pull circus-sized obese patients up in bed no more BY MYSELF and messing up my own body. i dont wanna hafta work crazy assed shifts and deal with bitch assed nurses who think it's the nurse assistant's job to do EVERYTHING and they not help, or constantly bug the fuck out of me about doing my job. i dont want that part of it no more. EVER.

if i could luck up on a neighborhood clinic or doctor's office, that would work for me. i aint gotta hear patients or their families bitch me out because their loved one has sat in a puddle of piss and shit since 2pm when i'm just starting my shift at 3pm. i just wanna be able to find a good vein on somebody, draw what labs the doc wants and send that patient on their merry way. is that too much to ask for? probably.

however, most of these clinics insist that the phlebotomists be certified, and i'm not. i'm hospital-trained, with 5 years experience under my belt. i'm gonna see what Social Security or Public Aid offers in terms of training programs, especially in phlebotomy. healthcare is still in my blood, and sometimes when i go thru my closet to look for something to wear to my doctor's appointments and i happen to see all my old scrubs sitting on hangers, now too small for my big ass, i have to be honest and say, i miss being a part of it -- mind you, NOT the craziness associated with working on a hectic unit like oncology, cardiology/telemetry or med-surg, but the phlebotomy side of it. i was good at reassuring even the most difficult patients that i wouldnt hurt them. to hear them say "wow, i didnt even feel it" used to give me a great deal of satisfaction, because i took what i did seriously and was pretty good at it.

*gasp* am i getting better? i must be, if i can sit here at this computer and be honest with myself and admit that i miss being a part of the healthcare team. but it's the honest-to-God truth. i truly do miss it.

and some kind of way, i'm gonna find my way back....but am i really ready to take that plunge? only time will tell, i suppose.

holding back the tears

2006-04-18T14:16:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting here at this computer thinking back to when i was a child. i suppose it has a lot to do with Mother's Day coming next month, and my mother being gone for close to 19 years.

i was an only child to my mother, yet the baby sister of my three siblings. i think of the things i went thru growing up - most of it extremely painful. i try not to linger in the painful part; yet, every now and again, my mind wanders into it.

my mother was a very fiesty, very short-tempered woman. one moment she could be laughing and joking, and the next moment, if she was angry, her words would cut like a two-edged sword, and she spoke Cuss fluently. when she got angry at me, oh my God. she'd find my weaknesses and hammer on them like a crazed construction worker. when she beat me, she had NO MERCY. none. whatever was handy at the moment, be it a book, a shoe, extension cord, wire hanger, or her hands and fists, my body was fair game. i remember her anger at me for taking too long getting ready for Sunday service. she threw a hardcover book at me which caught me in my right eye and turned black and blue. i had to go that Sunday with my eye all bruised and swollen and i dared not tell anybody how i got it, or else.

dont get me wrong, my mother had her good points...she was an excellent cook, she was extremely clean and kept our place spic-and-span, she knew how to sew, bake bread, and can fruits, vegetables and soups. she even taught home economics to the high school female students, and taught penmanship to the elementary and high school students at my school. it seemed like there was nothing she couldnt do -- except make me feel like she really loved me. i'm sure she did in her own way, but i used to wish that i could talk to her about anything and not get yelled at or cussed at. when i hit puberty, and got my first period at age 12, she basically told me about the menstrual cycle and that was it. talk about sex? OH HELL NO. why would i ask about that? it wasnt gonna happen as far as my mama was concerned. she didnt tell me what to expect if i liked a boy or a boy liked me, and most of the boys were too afraid of her to even think about liking me. in fact, i would get teased about it -- "ooh, i'm tellin' your mama on you" bla bla bla and once it got back to her, my ass was grass.

i used to get teased unmercifully about being shy, and about how my hair would be braided, and my head being slightly off. omigod, a lot of times i cried, which only fueled my tormentors even more. i've often wondered if i have slight brain damage because of my lopsided head.

anyways, i was about 5 years old when my mother was going thru "the change." i didnt know anything about it, only it seemed that she was meaner than ever. i remember her being really angry at me for something and she made me pack my clothes into two brown shopping bags and told me she didnt want me no more, and to get the hell out of her house. i started to cry, wondering howcome Mama dont want me no more, and when she heard me crying, she came into my room and screamed at me to shut up and get out. i cried even harder, because i felt like Mama hated me. she stood there and watched me put my things into the bags, and still crying, i dared to ask, where am i gonna go Mama? to which she snapped, i dont give a damn, go live with your auntie, just get out! i cried til i felt like my soul would burst, i was so hurt. i'm 5 years old -- where was i gonna go? how would i get there? why does Mama hate me so much? i thought as i sat outside the door on the carpeted steps outside our apartment still crying my eyes out.

i had no idea that "the change" was making her so mean. i was a little girl, so what did i know? anyways, after what seemed to be hours, Mama opened the door and with tears in her eyes, told me to come back in and said how sorry she was for how she treated me. i cried even harder. remembering all of this has started the tears flowing as i type these words.....excuse me for a sec.....

*taking a deep breath* childhood wasnt an easy time for me. whatever some hateful old sister in the Mosque told my mother about me allegedly "acting up" she believed it without question and i got the beating of my life about it when i got home. she took off her shoe, and started beating me upside my head, my face, my body. i cried helplessly saying 'i wont do it no more mama! i'm sorry!' but my cries fell on deaf ears. i was crying so loud she put a pillow over my face and almost smothered me to death.

i once thought i could fight my Mama to stop her from whuppin my ass. big mistake. it only enraged her more and she threw me upside the wall and slapped the shit outta me. still angry i yelled at her "i hate you! drop dead!" what did i say that for? the only thing i remember is waking up in my bed and feeling sore all over. plus my head hurt.

then one day me and this other little girl were playing at the clothing factory where our mothers worked. this girl kept on teasing me about candy, and i kept telling her i was not allowed to eat candy. anyways, the girl gave me some of it and said, i wont tell your mama. of course she lied. she told my mother, and my mother was livid with rage. once we got to our apartment, she kept shoving me up the steps, snapping and cussing about how she was gonna half-kill me that night. and she did.

i was trying to vacuum the carpet, and out of nowhere my mother grabbed me up in my collar, slappin me hard and yelling at the top of her lungs. then she picked up this old butcher's knife and backed me into a corner with it, looking at me with eyes of pure rage, and told me "i oughta cut your goddamn head off" as i felt the blade digging into my throat. i was crying and screaming, "mama, please please dont kill me, please!!!!" i swear, i never saw such rabid, feral rage in anyone's eyes like that and still crying and pleading for my life, i pissed myself. finally she threw the knife into the sink and told me to get the fuck out of her face, and slapped me so hard my head hurt.

i ran into my room bawling my eyes out. i had never been so afraid in all my life. i couldnt even sleep that night, i was so terrified that she'd come in my room and hack me to death. so talk about having the piss scared out of you, that was me. i was about 9 years old, i think.

the first time i talked about the abuse i suffered as a child, i cried like someone had ripped my heart out. i sat in the chair and held myself as i cried. having suppressed all of those memories, i couldnt hold back the tears no longer. it still haunts me to this day.

i have to go now....i feel the tears starting up again...

there's no place like home

2006-04-18T06:40:00.000-07:00

*yawn* i am tired today. after that little excursion from yesterday, i'm still tired, and to make it worse, i woke up TOO DAMN EARLY!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i called the station and told them i wouldnt be able to make it today. after i took my meds last night, i got dizzy and i knew if i kept standing up, i was liable to hit the floor. so as soon as my head landed on my pillow, i was O-U-T.

i guess when some of us who are battling our respective illnesses and who have isolated ourselves from the outside, when we DO find the energy to actually venture out, we tend to get tired more easily, at least i do. even when i have to go out, for doctor appointments, or grocery shopping, and going to pay my rent, by the time i get home, i am truly wiped out. for real. I. AM. EXHAUSTED.

reconnecting with the outside world aint easy when you've decided that unless absolutely necessary, you wont leave your house because just the thought of having to shower/bathe, brush teeth, put on clothes makes you want to crawl back into bed and sleep all day.

now i know y'all are saying, "hey, quit making excuses and get up offa your big ass and get out there!" well, i'm taking baby steps ok? to do too much all in one day gets me overwhelmed , and makes me stay in my shell. and i know some of y'all know what i'm talking about. sometimes just the thought itself will make you TIRED.

when i reflect back on how i once was, it kinda depresses me. there was a time when the weekend came, i would be gettin' myself all cute so i could hang out with my godson, dance my ass off and just clown all night long. i was practically NEVER at home come the weekends.

there was one Friday night one of my co-workers had a birthday and she wanted to go out after work. i told her about the spot where my godson DJ'd, and after we punched out, we split up in different cars and headed to the spot. she had a blast, and so did the rest of us. i didnt have any $$$ to give her, so i decided that she should celebrate her birthday at the club. she was overjoyed at the fact, and so there it was. she and her boyfriend went in one car, and me and my other homegirls followed behind.

once we got there, the other two ladies were kinda quiet, and just took it all in, but me and the birthday girl was dancin' and shakin' our groove thangs and havin a ball. i even had my godson to announce her birthday and that the nurses from Mercy Hospital were in the house that night, which had the rest of the crowd whoopin' and hollerin LOL ah, good times.

well i guess i wont be going down to the station tomorrow, cuz the lady called me a few minutes ago and said she didnt need me for the 3pm-4pm slot tomorrow. *whew* i'm glad actually. i still need time to recuperate from yesterday. plus, my right knee is aching something fierce, so i'm gonna chill.

after all, there's no place like home.

gradually coming out of hiding

2006-04-17T16:12:00.000-07:00

that's right...i'm gradually coming out of hiding. i got up this morning, saw it was a nice (yet windy) day and took a ride up to the strip mall near where i live. didnt buy anything (ha, no $$$), but i did "window shop". i went to Ashley Stewart to see what kind of spring/summer clothes they had; pfft, i didnt see anything that caught my eye. left there and walked around the corner to Lane Bryant. again, pffft! didnt see nothing there either. walked further down to the beauty supply store, and just looked around. they've improved and expanded where they have a lot more stuff, and there is a hair salon in the back of the place. luckily i cut my own hair, so that saves me a lot of money.

i must say it was kinda nice to just take in the weather and casually stroll (albeit slowly) thru the mall and then get back on the bus to go home.

i think i'm going to keep doing that more often.

state of shock

2006-04-13T19:09:00.000-07:00

i just recently found out over on Stephanie's blog, Mystickal Incense that i was the prize winner of her "Gay Dinosaur Poetry Contest" omg....i am still in a state of shock because i've never won anything in my life! she's sending me a box of goodies from her Mystickal Incense and More store.

i give the credit to MrsHellOnHeels for introducing me to Stephanie's blog, and also for MrsHOH's generosity in having Stephanie re-design my blog, which i absolutely LOVE. thank you all for the kind compliments on the design.

i am truly humbled, and i cant stop saying "thank you" enough to MrsHOH and Stephanie. you ladies rock! *smile*

mike check...testing testing one two....

2006-04-11T15:27:00.000-07:00

today i had an "audition" for this radio station that is for people who are blind or visually impaired. it's a volunteer on-air reading of newspaper articles, magazine articles and books. the name of the station is called CRIS Radio and they are affiliated with the Chicago Lighthouse for the Blind and Visually Impaired.

i used to be a pretty frequent reader, and i enjoyed reading aloud. however, once i was diagnosed with my illnesses, i gave it up, because i had no interest in anything i enjoyed anymore. now i find myself gradually regaining my enjoyment of the things i kicked to the curb, and since the weather is becoming more favorable, i think i will be getting out a lot more. i also got Paratransit certified from our transit company, the Chicago Transit Authority. the Paratransit Program is for disabled individuals who are otherwise unable to take the buses or the "El." you call and schedule a ride and a van with a wheelchair lift or ramp or car/taxi will pick you up and take you wherever you want to go for a $1.75, which can be paid in cash, or with the CTA's Full Fare Transit Cards, which come in a pack of 20 for $15.00. i got my certification letter in the mail with my ID number and should be getting my picture ID within 7-10 days. the picture ID has the ADA Paratransit Service logo as well as my ID number, and on my good days, i can still use it along with the transit cards or 30-day Reduced Fare Pass on fixed bus/"El" trains.

but i digress. the "audition" only took like, 15 minutes, where i had to read a list of "difficult" or words that are commonly mispronounced, and then a short paragraph of a newspaper clipping, to test enunciation, diction and clarity. afterwards, i got to schedule days to read. i chose Tuesday, April 18 from 2pm to 3pm, and Wednesday April 19 from 3pm to 4pm. i'm gonna try to commit to my schedule as i can, and the good thing about this station is that it's serving a good purpose for visually disabled people, or disabled folks who are shut-in and are not able to purchase newspapers or magazines. so i feel pretty good about this. it's a no-stress atmosphere, and one doesnt have to be experienced in radio to do it.

the station is also simulcast on our local public cable channels, and also on the Chicago Lighthouse's web page i've listed below:

www.thechicagolighthouse.org

this organization gives blind or visually impaired individuals a chance to live independently and provide them with visual assistance devices, such as special radios that pick up the CRIS signal, and other things. feel free to visit the website for even more information if you like.

anyways, that's the 4-1-1 for now. i am pooped and am going to lie down for awhile. peace.

nothing

2006-04-08T19:04:00.000-07:00

sorry. i got nothing today.

still crazy after all these years

2006-04-07T11:17:00.000-07:00

yesterday i was surfing the 'Net and was kinda bored, and a fella i went to school with was on my mind. i did a Google search and his name popped up.

i remember back in the day when i was a solemn teenage girl of 16, i used to be crazy about him. he was so fine, lawdhammurcy. he was brown skinned, wavy haired, and had the softest lips.

time passed and the last time i spoke to him was in 1980, a year after my oldest was born. he had moved to Mississippi where his mother lived, and he would always tease me about never smiling when i was in high school. plus he's a big ole flirt anyhow, and when i called him yesterday, man, we talked for like 3 hours, catching up on the times that have passed since we last spoke. he's married with 7 (yep you read it right - 7) children and the youngest is a year old. but then multiple kids run in his family. he's a councilman for the city of Columbus, Miss'sippi and also active in politics and ministry.

when i called, i was kinda skeptical about how our conversation was gonna flow, with him bein' a minister and all, and i thought, aw shit, i hope this cat dont be judging me and givin me hellfire and damnation, cuz i will just hang up and pretend i never called. but, i was pleasantly surprised when we got to talking and noticed that he still was a notorious flirt, and some of our conversation got a lil, um shall we say, naughty LOL

but it was fun cuz i was flirtin' right back at him and even read him some of my more erotic poetry. i think he got quite hot from me reading 'em and i kinda got a little heated m'self LOL

he said he was coming to Chicago around June of this year because his brother is having some kind of cardiac procedure at of all places Mercy Hospital (where i used to work). sometimes i think he's just being mannish cuz he has a kind of wicked laugh that kinda eases its way thru my body, like it did yesterday.

*shaking head and smiling* still crazy after all these years.

nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide

2006-04-04T23:01:00.000-07:00

strange. i've only been back online for two days and i feel like hiding again. i have a desktop notepad journal with the same title as this blog, and had been writing in it while i was disconnected from the internet. it seemed like my writing came with a natural flow, where i could be as raw and as deep as i wanted.

maybe it's because nobody was reading it but me. not that i dont enjoy writing my thoughts and feelings out here, but in a way it's like, well, work.

sometimes i feel like what i write here makes no sense, or just a bunch of jumbled, scattered thoughts injected with wry humor at times. sometimes i feel like a blithering, blathering, whining old bag about my aches and pains, perimenopausal symptoms, and other scrambled, random shit. *sigh*

here it is 12:30 in the morning and i'm sitting here on my big fat ass typing shit i that i havent the slightest idea what it's about. maybe it's the meds; maybe it's just me, i dunno. i visit other blogs and they seem so much more interesting than mine. tho i love the new design of the blog, deep down inside i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and running away.

maybe i'm still stressed out from being on the go all last week. last Tuesday i was in the ER with my daughter who was having abdominal pain, and we were there a good six and a half hours. then i was on the go again the next day, going to the store to get some food and some $$$ from people i knew, then again the next day, same thing, then this past Saturday having to go grocery shopping only to find the store with wall-to-wall shoppers because we all get our food stamps on the first of the month, and everybody's trying to stock up with food to last until the 1st of next month.

and this is weird: i bought $192 worth of groceries, and it seems all i wanna eat is junk food - i bought some blue corn tortilla chips which were quite good, some of those "fun size" candies like Milky Ways, Snickers and Reese's cups. mind you i did buy actual food, but it's the sugar and salt cravings that have been fueling my gluttony.

i have loads of chicken, some steaks, greens, canned goods and other stuff. i even bought some EVOO (extra-virgin olive oil - i am a huge fan of Rachael Ray's "30 Minute Meals" show on the Food Channel) and some balsamic vinegar too. from watching shows like hers i mentally pick up cooking tips, and i decided to keep some E.V.O.O and balsamic vinegar on hand to make vinagrettes, or cook shrimp in the olive oil. but here's the thing -- i dont wanna cook! maybe cuz i cooked three days in a row and i just aint got the energy to be slingin pots and pans. i bought some prewashed mustard greens and i know if i dont cook 'em soon, they're gonna wilt and go bad. i have a lot of dinner ideas in my head, but when it comes to executing those ideas, the desire fizzles out.

and, here of late i have been glued to the Food Channel for some reason. as mentioned before, i love Rachael Ray, but i also love Paula Deen's "suhthun" cooking show, Iron Chef America, and quite a few others. maybe it's just watching them cook holds my attention and fascination or something, shit i dont know.

i dont know what's going on with me. i still feel like running away but it's kinda hard when there's nowhere to run to and nowhere to hide.

oh well. lemme find my bag of cheese tortilla chips...

living in confusion

2006-04-04T10:35:00.000-07:00

that's about right. i am living in confusion. sometimes i dont know up from down, right from left, this or that. it's real fucked up when one is in that state (you might say a "blue" state...okay, that was a lame attempt at humor and it bombed, sue me)

even though here of late, i've been getting out more, and doing things i need to do and energy to do them (i guess thanks to the iron pills), i still feel like i'm going nowhere fast. i've made some changes; i opened a new bank account with a different bank, i FINALLY stopped talking to the homophobe bitch, and trying to do what i can as far as keeping my family's head above water. that should make me feel good, right?

*sigh* it's like i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop yanno? to some of y'all, those accomplishments sound great; however, to me it's like i'm on autopilot or something. i dunno...maybe that's a good thing, then again, maybe it's not.

so what is the problem? hell if i know. i just feel confused, discombobulated, like i'm not in my body or some shit like that.

maybe one day i'll figure it out...

junkfood junkie

2006-04-04T10:13:00.000-07:00

i went grocery shopping this past Saturday because my cupboard was totally bare, and i got tired of seeing the one mouse that occasionally scurries thru my kitchen holding a picket sign with his union number saying "cruel and unusual torture! where the fuck is the food!"

i bought the usual things, but for some reason i wanted to just pig out on junkfood,i.e., potato chips, cheesy poufs (ala "South Park" LOL), nachos and candy. i know i'm not due for my period anytime soon, and i have enough stuff to make a decent dinner, but right now junkfood is my friend. i mean, i have chicken wings, boneless/skinless chicken breasts, and other stuff; yet my cravings for this non-nutritive stuff is gettin outta control (damn you Seroquel GRRRRRRR)

makes me think of the song "Pusher Man" from the movie "Super Fly" only i've changed the words around and called it "Junk Food Man." dig it....

i'm yo mama
i'm yo daddy
i'm that sto'
'cross the alley
i got what you need
chips or candy
nachos
wit da cheese
you kno' me
i'm yo friend
i'm yo buddy
to da end
i'm yo
junkfood man..."

this is a damn shame. i'm already big as a fuckin' house, yet all i wanna do is just gobble down chips, sammiches (peanut butter, salami and cheese) and nothing else. this is sick i know, to have weird cravings for nothin' but junk food (and FYI: NO I AM NOT PREGNANT!) *ahem*

now then. i was wondering if anyone else have had these cravings for only junk food....or am i just a lazy, fat douchebag who should go on a fucking diet? inquirin' minds wanna know.

meanwhile i'm going to eat one of my Reese's cups...

"Bloggus Interruptus"

2006-04-03T00:27:00.000-07:00

hey everybody! i am SOOOO glad to be back online with my favorite people...the Blog Posse *grins* i have missed y'all soooooo much!!!!

unfortunately i was suffering from "bloggus interruptus" because -- well let's just say i had a bit of a snafu with my cable/internet bill. but it's been taken care of as of a few minutes ago, and hey, i'm back online!

again, many many many thanks to Bug (MrsHOH) for her wonderful gift to me. i am truly touched and humbled. i love you Bug! also to Stephanie (Mystickal Incense) for her talents in redesigning my blog. i thank you so much hon! Hugs!! (((((((((((((((Bug & Stephanie))))))))))

to the rest of the Posse....i'm glad we're friends and i'm glad to be back *smile*

new and improved blog design

2006-03-23T21:58:00.000-08:00

i am simply overwhelmed with gratitude to Bug (MrsHOH) for her gift to me in getting a new look for my blog, and to Stephanie (Mystickal Incense) for the fantastic design! i love you both and words cannot express how happy this makes me. i am humbled by both of you for being so kind and gracious with your generosity and your time.

these wonderful things are making me see that there are still good, kind and true people in the world, and i thank you both for replacing the cynicism i have had towards humanity with hope and trust.

much much much love to you both. Bug, i hope you are feeling better hon! Stephanie, i wish i could hug you in person! you are extremely talented, and i cant stop thanking you enough!

peace blessings and love to the both of you!

standing in the shadows of nothing

2006-03-22T08:12:00.000-08:00

once again i have nothing to say. so i will retreat into the shadows of nothing until further notice.

i'm so glad we had this time together.....

2006-03-14T11:10:00.000-08:00

i'm going on a hiatus from blogging - FOR REAL this time. it has become very difficult to think of things to write about, and i guess you can call it "writer's block." plus there are some things going on right now that need my attention.

i cant say when i will be back or if i'm even gonna come back. i dont know. to all my friends in the Blog Posse, know that i love y'all and thank you all for your wonderful and kind comments you've left since i began blogging. like Carol Burnett used to sing "i'm so glad we had this time together" rather than say goodbye, i'll just say "see you later".

i couldnt have asked for a better group of people than you all. i bid you peace, blessings and a lot of love.

*tugs on right earlobe* see you later.

now what you hear is not a test.....

2006-03-11T21:23:00.000-08:00

well i finally got up the nerve and decided to let y'all hear my voice *gasp!* yep, what you hear is not a test...it's me...however, if you find it boring, feel free to click on "Next Blog" at the top of the masthead...oh and BTW, i also did an audio post on my La Femme Erotique' blog. *grins*

and on that note, i am off to bed. sweet dreams and peace out *smooches*.

coming out of hiding just for today

2006-03-03T16:19:00.000-08:00

yep. just for today i'm coming out of hiding. basically to thank those of you (you know who you are) for leaving such heartfelt and kind comments on my post about my dad. i could feel the love and compassion from you all, and again i thank you.

i think that maybe around May of this year i will probably shut down my blog. it's not set in stone, but i have been thinking about it a lot these days. though i enjoy writing, here of late i really don't have much to say. when it gets like that for me, it's usually a sign that it's time to go. i started this thing in May of last year, and at first i didnt think anybody would care to read it, but i see i was wrong. i have met some pretty wondeful people thru this blog, but as with all good things, they have to come to an end sometimes. then again, i might still keep the blog, but post sporadically - i dunno. right now i have mixed feelings about this, and perhaps i'm still hurting over the fact that today was a year ago i was on a Greyhound bus to South Carolina and this weekend i was at my father's grave saying goodbye.

i have a myriad of emotions going on in my heart and in my head, and i suppose the thoughts about shutting down this blog is somehow mixed in with these emotions. maybe once this weekend is over, i might think differently - who knows.

only time will tell where this will lead. oh well. back into the shell i go.

emotionally drained from previous post

2006-03-01T19:10:00.000-08:00

i am very emotionally and mentally drained from the previous post. in between writing, i had crying spells to the point i didnt think i could go on; however, i did. going back into my memory bank and reliving certain moments that i'd almost forgotten about spent my little bit of energy for today.

i'm going back into hiding yet again. after today's painful walk down memory lane, i need time to heal - mentally and emotionally.

i thank you all for your kindness, friendship and concern. you know who you are.

remembering my dad - my hero

2006-03-01T15:08:00.000-08:00

today, March 1, 2006 makes exactly one year my beloved father passed away.

remembering my dad, i go back to childhood. i remember as a little girl how i loved being with my daddy. i always wanted to go everywhere with him, and he would take me. he worked as an artist/cartoonist and a lot of times he'd take me with him. he'd let me play on the typewriters, and sometimes give me a piece of paper and a pencil and let me "draw."

my dad was born Eugene Franklin Rivers, Jr. on February 4, 1926 in Spartanburg, South Carolina, to Jeanette James-Rivers and Eugene F. Rivers, Sr. he received his education at South Carolina State University and the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston, Massachusetts. he was also a Navy veteran, worked for the muslim newspaper of the 60s thru the early 80s as first a cartoonist for the paper, then on to the graphic artist/layout and design editor and for a brief spell, editor of the paper. my dad was an extremely talented and intelligent man, and i give him mad respect. He and Mama married on July 25, 1957, and a year later in December 1958 i was born. i remember seeing pictures of Daddy holding me and playing with me. i think Mama was a tad jealous of the fact i wanted to be with my Daddy all the time instead of her. yes, i was a "daddy's little girl" for a long time.

my father was a good provider, a good and faithful husband and he never, ever raised a hand to my Mama. if anything, she'd be the one to start an argument, but no matter how mad he got, he did not raise his hand to my mother. NEVER. EVER. if i did something wrong, and Dad had to punish me, oh believe me, it was swift and sure, and by the next day he would say that he was sorry, but Mama was insisting that he do something. most of the time he would come in my room and ask me how i was and as i got older asked me how i was doing in school. unlike my Mama, who literally whupped my ass if i brought home a bad report card, Dad was a little bit more rational about it and would try to help me instead of slapping the shit outta me and calling me 'stupid'.

i remember one time i had math homework to do, and it was very hard and my mother had me up in the wee hours of the morning slapping me upside my head and snapping at me to do the work. my father came in the dining room where i was seated, crying, and told me to go to bed, it was late. Mama snapped, saying oh no, she's not going to bed until she finishes this work. Daddy yelled at her, let the child go to bed. why do you treat her like that, and so on. as soon as my head hit the pillow, i was out, yet i could vaguely hear Mama and Daddy still going at it. i didnt care. i was just glad to go to sleep.

in the mid 70s he and Mama separated, when i was about 17, i think. he moved down to his birthplace to be with his mother, my grandma Jeanette, who, at the time wasnt doing well. in 1980, Grandma Jeanette passed, and my dad decided to remain in South Carolina, much to the dismay of my Mama. while living in South Carolina, he worked for the Greenville News as the director of graphic arts. he worked there until his failing health would not allow him to continue on at the paper.

before my dad became ill, he would always call Mama and me to see how we were doing, and even sent money to us if we needed it. when Mama became ill with cancer the first time, he would always call me to ask how she was doing, and i would give him updates on her condition and praise me for taking good care of her.

my Mama went into remission for about 5 years, and yet he still called her on occasion when she was strong enough to talk to him. Mama was truly heartbroken that my dad had left, but being the strong woman that she was, she carried on until in early 1986 cancer once again struck her down, this time with a fatal blow.

my father would call Mama every day to see how she was, and when she had her good days, they would talk for hours, and for those brief moments she came alive. though she and my dad had divorced, he never stopped sending her money or flowers, and i knew there was a special bond between them that would never ever end.

June 17, 1987. mama quietly slipped away to Glory.

that night took every ounce of strength from me, and being pregnant didnt help at all. at that time my oldest daughter was a little girl and i took her to her grandma's room, with tears in my eyes, i told her her Grandma was gone to Heaven. she cried and cried and i held her in my arms and we cried together. she loved her Grandma so much and it took me a while to calm her down enough where she finally went to sleep.

the next day my Dad called and asked if i had made the funeral arrangements. i told him that i did. i could hear his voice breaking, as he told me he was sending a dozen red roses to be placed on the casket during the burial. i'm fighting tears now as i write these words.

on the day of the funeral, Dad called again, this time i heard the tears in his voice saying that he couldnt make it to the funeral, but he wanted to make sure the roses would be placed on the casket once we got to the cemetery. thru my own tears i told him that i told the funeral director his wishes and that it was taken care of.

the red roses were on top of the casket as my Dad had instructed me to have done. i started crying uncontrollably as the casket was lowered into the ground. i was ready to jump into that grave with her, 7-month pregnant belly and all. in August 1987, i gave birth to another precious daughter, just as my Mama predicted, and my baby was born with six fingers on each hand -- just like her Granny's. my Mama had "marked" my baby, as the old saying goes.

years passed, and by then i was working as a CNA (certifed nurse assistant) myself, and living on my own with my daughters. my Dad would always call to see how we were doing, and would talk to his grandchildren, and would send me money when i least expected it. Daddy never forgot my birthday, and when i would open the mailbox, there would be a gorgeous card and a check or money order for a nice amount. i would call him to thank him for his generosity, and would fill him in on the everyday goings-on with me and the girls. Daddy would always tell me how proud he was of me that i was keeping me and my girls close to me, and that he felt my Mama would be proud of me too. Daddy's words meant so much to me, and he would always give me positive encouragement when we talked. that's just they way he was.

again, as the years moved on, Daddy was sounding a lot weaker than normal. i would ask him if he was okay, was he eating, how his health was and so on. i could tell he was trying to hide the health problems that he was having, and reassured me that he was alright and not to worry about me. the first clue i had was when he told me he had macular degeneration in his eyes, and that he couldnt drive at night, and because he had been a graphic artist for years, it was getting to the point he said, that he couldn't see the words in print. that broke my heart, and i worried about him even more.

each time he'd call, his voice sounded a little more weaker, and then he told me that he was having Alzheimer's-like symptoms, where his memory was fading. again it broke my heart, and by this time i wanted to go down to South Carolina to see him, but during that time, i had had a nervous breakdown while i was at work, which threw me into a horrible depression, and my mental health went downhill from there. plus worrying about my Dad exacerbated it more.

in early 2004, when Daddy would call, i could hear the effects of the Alzheimer's in his voice; he would speak so low i barely heard him, and sometimes he was lucid; other times i couldnt make out what he was saying.

i called my sister Janet in Philadelphia and asked her had she been to see Dad, and she told me some very heartbreaking news. she said that Daddy had Parkinson's in addition to the Alzheimer's and that he was in pretty bad shape. i asked her if she would give me his lady friend Claudia's number and she did. i called Miss Claudia and asked her about my father. that's when she confirmed that he was not doing too well too. i asked if i could talk to him, and she handed him the phone. his voice was very very weak-sounding, and i started to cry, because it was hurting me that thisquiet, talented, noble man who always gave me encouragement and love, was deteriorating, and i desperately wanted to see him.

he recognized my voice for a brief moment, and then his voice started fading. at that time, i was in the partial hospital program for my own illnesses, and in late 2004, i was trying to find a way to go see him. also during this time, my oldest daughter was paying my rent for me, and i felt even more guilty because she already had her own problems, and i felt like a huge burden on her.

September /October 2004. i would periodically call Miss Claudia for updates on my Dad's condition. she would tell me it hadnt changed much, but that she was contemplating putting him in a nursing home because she couldn't take care of him anymore. she said he had become very frail, he was wearing Depends, and the Parkinson's was worsening and he was becoming more and more confused. in late December 2004, i called her again and she said he was in a nursing home. i was still in PHP, and i really wanted to go to S. Carolina to see my father. there was a lady who was also in the program, and when we were outside on a cigarette break, this kind lady told me whenever i was ready to go see my father, that she would give-not lend- give me the money to go to S. Carolina.

i was touched by her gesture, and she gave me her phone number and told me to call her when i was going to go, and what mode of transportation i was taking - which i told her was by Greyhound bus, and she said to call her with the amount of the round trip ticket and she would have the money for me.

i know some of y'all are not religious or even maybe spiritual, but i believe that lady was a blessing sent to me from the Creator. shortly after that, in January, 2005, i was still in the program, and the kind lady had left PHP. i was an emotional wreck, worrying about my dad. each time i called Miss Claudia for updates, she told me in late January '05, that my Dad was taking a turn for the worst. she told me that he'd stopped eating, was very very frail and weak, and his cognition was nearly gone. i cried that night, and then after a while i called the kind lady from PHP and told her i would need the money the next day because my Dad was not doing well at all. she asked me how much did i need, i told her the round-trip fare for the bus, and she told me she'd have it for me that next day because she had a doctor's appointment at the hospital's clinic. that next day as she promised, and after i had finished PHP for that day, i met her down in the main lobby of the hospital and she wrote out the check for my bus fare. with tears in my eyes, i thanked her and said i would pay her back and she waved me down, saying, no, that she was glad to do it and gave me a big hug and told me to have a safe trip. little did i know i would get the news that burst my heart into a million pieces.

February 4, 2005. my dad's 79th birthday. i called Miss Claudia at the nursing home where the staff was having a party for my father. i had sent a birthday card a week before his birthday, and i told her that i would be coming to see him very soon. on that day, she said he was doing a little bit better, that he was eating and even opened his eyes a little. i asked her if i could talk to him, and she said sure you can and put Daddy on the phone. i talked to him and sang "Happy Birthday" to him and told him i was coming to see him soon. he recognized my voice for a second or two, and then sadly his conversation started fading away. but i was thankful to at least to have spoken to him, for which i didnt know, was for the last time.

late February 2005. i was planning my trip for South Carolina and was checking out the bus schedules when the phone rang. it was Miss Claudia. she told me in a quavering voice, "your daddy's dying, baby. the doctors dont give him long. i'm so sorry." by then i had started crying and was saying "no! no daddy, please hang on! i'll be there as fast as i can get there!" and by then, i was weeping uncontrollaby. i cried til it felt like my heart would burst; i cried and got on my knees and begged God to please let him hold on til i got there; ironically, Luther Vandross' song "Can Heaven Wait" was playing on my computer and it was like the lyrics were speaking to me, and i cried even harder--soul shaking, body wracking, gut-wrenching tears. i cried down to the floor curled up like a baby, saying over and over, "daddy please dont leave me! please daddy, dont leave me!"

i'm in tears now as i reflect on that awful night. i nearly cried myself sick. this kind, noble, talented man who used to bounce me on his knee, who would buy me an ice cream cone and tell me not to tell Mama, who didnt flip out when i got pregnant at 19, who bought me a bicycle with training wheels, and showed me how to ride it with out them, who would get things for me when my Mama said no, who was there for me thru my worst times and my good times, was being taken away from me. with a wounded heart i cried.

March 1, 2005. i got the call that i had been dreading. Miss Claudia called and told me my Daddy had died. the tears started all over again, and i wept like my heart was being ripped from my chest. my daughters were there with me, and thru my tears, i told them that their Grampa had died. they gathered around me and hugged and held me, my youngest crying right along with me; my oldest shedding quiet tears. i was a total wreck, and i had to go to group the next day.

i went to group with a heavy heart, and told them my father had passed. the tears started up again, and i told the nurse and my social worker that i had to go out of town right away for my father's funeral. they were gracious and kind enough to give me my time away, and on the 3rd of March, i made my journey to Spartanburg, South Carolina to say good bye to my Dad. thru the trip i held up even though i wished i'd had enough money to have brought my children, but my oldest couldnt take time off because she had just started her new job, and she told me that she would look after her sister and keep the household going. before i left, she made me a CD with some music and gave me her CD player so i wouldnt feel so lonely on my trip. thankfully i had paid the rent and the bills, and bought food, so they wouldnt be hungry.

looking back on my dad's life, i looked up to him when i was little, feared him when he punished me, respected him for being the man he was, and loved him unconditionally. though my heart may be a little heavy today, i feel my Dad's spirit within my spirit, and i know he's still watching over me.

most of all, i know that my Daddy loved me.

Because You Loved Me
By Celine Dion
CodesAndLyrics.com

Voices, i hope you dont mind me using the same song as yours. dont worry i didnt steal it from you, i went to the site where you got it *grins*

just popping in with update from yesterday's doc visit

2006-02-28T10:00:00.000-08:00

the return dr visit yesterday went okay. i found out that i have fibroids, which explain the heavy periods and clots, i'm a bit anemic, from losing all that blood each month, my cholesterol is elevated, and i'm going to be taking meds for that...and i'm going be put on another BP med. oh, and i have bronchitis on top of all of that. *sigh*

i find that when i write all my symptoms down it helps me remember the reason for my visits. i think the resident doc (a male) and my primary doc (a very nice Russian lady) seemed impressed that i knew and understood medical terminology, because the resident doc said to me, "this is very good," and took off with my list to show my primary doc.

but i digress. they gave me scripts for an antibiotic, to take care of the bronchitis, one for iron pills, to help with the anemia, and one for the cholesterol and blood pressure. unfortunately i didnt have the $3 co-pay for the cholesterol and BP meds (Lipitor and Norvasc), but i will get them when i get my direct deposit. then the lady doc told me she will have me seen by a Gyn doc regarding the fibroids. i told her that i didnt want HRT (hormone replacement therapy) because i smoke, and i'm trying to quit (actually cut down to the point where i stop altogether), so she told me that perhaps a hysterectomy might be needed, and i did not have a problem with that. i was blessed with two beautiful daughters, and i am DONE with making babies - i got my tubes tied shortly after my second daughter was born, so i really dont have anymore use for my uterus. if it stops the monthly misery, hey, i'm all for it. oh yeah, and after i finish my antibiotics, i have to come back for a chest X-ray too to see if there's any further damage to my lungs.

anyways, i just thought i would give y'all the 411 on the doc visit. i'm going back into hiding now. blessings and love to you all.

going back into hiding

2006-02-25T19:18:00.000-08:00

sorry all. i am going back into hiding. i'm battling a nasty cold AND my monthly misery and i just dont have anything remotely interesting to say.

please dont worry about me. take care of yourselves, okay?

peace.

this is my daughter - Happy Birthday Sweetheart!

2006-02-23T07:23:00.000-08:00

on this day, 27 years ago, during the Blizzard of 1979, i gave birth to a beautiful and precious baby daughter, whom i love dearly.

i named her Aqueelah, which, in Arabic means "intelligent" and Na'eemah, which means "beautiful."

she has been thru her share of hurt, pain, disappointment and heartbreak, yet, in spite of it all, she still shines like the brightest star in the Universe. she is indeed very intelligent, very beautiful, smart, has a warped sense of humor just like her mama, and has been there for me countless times. she graduated with High Honors from high school, got her AA degree from junior college and her Bachelor's from DePaul University, again with High Honors. she is my firstborn, and today is her birthday.

Happy Birthday sweetheart. Mommy loves you so very much *smile*

what becomes of the brokenhearted

2006-02-21T20:27:00.000-08:00

i just dropped in for a minute to thank all of you who have left such kind comments. i'm not deserving of such kindness...and right now the tears have come from nowhere and i cant stop them.

i think i know why i'm slowly slipping into the dark pit. on the 1st of next month will make one year that my father slipped away from me and went Home to be with God and my mother.

i promise i wont keep whining about it. right now all i can hear in my mind is the song "Can Heaven Wait" by the late Luther Vandross, and each lyric of the song rips my heart to shreds...

and then the tears start falling again.............

going into hiding

2006-02-16T17:48:00.000-08:00

this is gonna be my last post for awhile. sometimes i get tired of thinking of things to write about, without sounding redundant, or like i'm steadily repeating myself...duh, that's what redundant means *slaps forehead - sigh* or posting meaningless drivel about a whole lot of nothing.

right now, i am in a very down mood, and i also have some dire personal issues that need my attention. it's hard to focus on writing when that is weighing heavy on my mind. i appreciate everyone who i have had the pleasure of making friends with here in Blogland. please dont worry about me -- take care of yourselves. i'll be okay.

i just need some time to sort out my thoughts and reasons why i always seem to self-sabotage myself -- especially financially. i thank all of you who have left comments -- y'all are a wonderful group of people and it's comforting to know i'm not alone in my thinking sometimes.

tomorrow i see my T and P-doc. maybe while i'm talking to my T i can release some of the anxieties i have and other shit that's been on my mind. i feel very blessed to have come to know you all and it is my sincerest hope and prayer that one day we who suffer will finally be freed from the shackles of mental illness.

until then, i bid all of you peace, blessings, love and Light.

nobody cares about you when you're down and out

2006-02-16T08:50:00.000-08:00

i'm sitting here in my dark kitchen typing these words, yet i feel nothing. i might as well be brutally honest here -- i am in a financial bind yet again. when i went online to check my checking account balance, well, let's just say it aint pretty.

i have been trying to get thru to some of my family, namely my brother and sister, and of course, with my luck, nobody's available, or the number has been disconnected. and the fees are adding up every day. luckily all my bills are paid so that at least gives me some comfort; however, i want to get rid of that ugly overdraft before the 3rd of next month; otherwise i will be truly screwed.

i'm tired of pretending like everything is just peachy when i know it aint. one can only keep up the charade for so long, until reality comes to bite you in the ass. and right now, it's taken a huge chunk outta my ass.

it's like i said...nobody cares when you're down and out. that's been the story for me my entire life, and i'm playing the hand that i've been dealt. oh well.

Doc visit went well

2006-02-13T16:57:00.000-08:00

well i made it thru my doctor's appointment. only thing is the lady doc i was supposed to see is going to be leaving from what i learned of the male doc who saw me today. no matter. i gave him my list of symptoms, pains and whatnot and i think he was impressed that i had some medical knowledge because i used to work there.

he upped my BP meds because my pressure was ugly high - 160/200, and of course he told me i gotta lose weight because he said that was a factor of my knees being shot to shit (he didnt say it like that LOL). he measured my height and weight - i'm 5 feet 1 inches short LOL; but when he told me my weight i nearly fainted - i weigh 276 pounds - damn, i knew i had put on weight but good God, i didnt know exactly how much! so i'm short and fat. aint nuttin' new. i aint never been a size 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, or 12; mostly 14 from teenager until i had my first child, then it went downhill from there; after the second child, it REALLY went downhill with the quickness.

but, he was nice about it and i go back to the clinic on the 23rd for more bloodwork, including thyroid function, an ultrasound to see if i have fibroids which make me bleed buckets every freakin' month; and another X-ray of my right knee, and probably an MRI too. so they are gonna give me a THOROUGH workup. including *sigh* helping me to quit smoking. with the gum - YUCK. i remember when i was first hospitalized the nurse slapped a patch on me, which later broke me out in a hideous rash, and then she gave me the gum *yucccccccccccccck* i nearly puked chewing that shit. the doc wrote a script for the gum, and added "give patient gum that tastes good" ROFL -- this is gonna be interesting to say the least.

i had made sure i'd listed all my psych meds and he was nice enough to offer to refill em if i needed, but since i just refilled them, i politely told him i was good with those. i go online and refill them at Walgreen's website. they e-mail me when my meds are ready for pickup and all i have to do is get on the bus and ride up there and if i have no copay, just pick 'em up and go.

he also wrote me a script for a generic version of Zantac, because i've been having reflux-like episodes that seem to happen in the middle of the night, and sometimes make me hurl. the BP meds are the same but at a higher dosage. i'm gonna get my mammo and Pap too. so i'm covering all the bases. it's been a long time since i had a thorough physical -- my old doc would just breeze in, check my vitals, and ask if a need refills of my BP meds. plus i had to make a $2 copay. so that's why i chose the hospital clinic. if i need tests done, i'm already there and dont have to have a referral and NO CO-PAY. Medicaid covers pretty much everything. so i have my medical doctor and T and P-doc all in one place.

and speaking of P-doc and T, i see them back-to-back this coming Friday. my medical doc is aware of my mental illnesses too.

anyway, that's the 4-1-1 on the doctor visit today. i am truly pooped and i think i'm gonna lie down for a while. it's been a long day. i've already taken two of my 800mg ibuprofen tabs to dull this throbbing pain in my right knee, cuz i've been on it all day and i've had to put all my weight on the left leg, and it's starting to cry in pain too. did i mention the doc wants to do a neuro check to see why i'm having this pins-and-needles numbness in my hands? no? well, consider it mentioned LOL

damn. it's literally taken me 47 years to finally see about my physical health. but i suppose better late than never. i've been so busy trying to maintain my sanity that i've completely neglected my body's health. oh well. i made a start today, so i suppose that counts for something, huh?

new medical doc visit today

2006-02-13T08:47:00.000-08:00

well today i visit my new med doc. i've already taken my bath and gotten dressed, which seemed like it took forever, but i did it. i'm just sitting here typing out this stuff and letting my pores completely close before i head out. it's pretty cold out and i didnt wanna just jump right out of the tub and hurriedly throw my clothes on and go out the door. besides, my right knee is killing me and i took my time putting on socks and shoes.

before i head to the clinic, i'm gonna take back some of the items i bought yesterday to be re-credited to my card. i realize some of it was impulsive behavior and i really got to stop that. once i'm done with that, then i'll settle down on the bus for the long ride to the clinic. luckily i take one bus going and one coming back so it's a straight shot to and from.

i'm gonna ask the doc if she could do an MRI of my knee, as well as get a neuro consult, for the "pins and needles" sensations in my fingers, legs and feet. i already had the bloodwork done, and it was good; however, i need to get my mammogram and Pap done too.

damn. i just remembered....getting the Pap would mean having to heist my legs in those stirrup thingys and i can hardly bend my right knee as it is...fuck fuck fuckkkkkk. as for the "mashed pa-ta-tas" oh yeah, that should be fun - having to put my ta-ta's on a cold steel ledge and then having it mashed down by an even colder doohickey...oh yeah...fun fun fun...NOT!

no disrespect to those ladies who are, um, less endowed, but i'm just curious...how do you all get mammo's? i have always been quite curious about that. the remainder of us in the BTC (big titty committee) have to endure having our "girls" mashed down like somebody just stepped on 'em - *grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr hiss hiss*

ah the joys of being female...*phbbbbt!*

if my foot was long enuf, i'd kick my own ass!

2006-02-12T14:11:00.000-08:00

*whew* i am pooped! went out earlier to pick up some stuff i didn't get at the beginning of the month -- basically personal items like toothpaste, TP, dish soap, detergent, bath soap and anitbacterial hand soap for the bathroom. i went first to the Family Dollar store and got some of the items, then i went up to Walgreens.

if i could, and my foot was long enuf i would kick my own ass. mind you, i went to Walgreens just to get a couple loaves of bread and some smokes (i had coupons for them) and go. did that happen? oh nooooooooooooooo. i wound up getting two loaves of bread, a $1 bottle of antibacterial hand soap for the bathroom, 4 bars of Dove soap - 2 for sensitive skin and 2 unscented - a bag of Riceland rice, 4 rolls of TP and 2 packs of Kotex (gawd i will be SOOOOOOO glad when i wont have to buy those fuckers no more, except for my 18 year old), and then my cig coupons were like $2 off any 3 packs of my brand, and $1 off any 2 packs of my brand. when everything was all rung up it came to $65 and some change! good lord. i had just paid my credit card bill, now i'm back down to zip *sigh*.

but i needed those items and yeah for all of y'all who arent smokers i know what y'all gonna say--did you really need 5 packs of cigs? no, but when i have coupons, heck, i may as well use em. i still got 2 coupons for $5 off a carton of my brand (Virginia Slims Menthol Lights 100s) and i'm holding on to em nyah! *sticks out tongue*

at the Family Dollar, i got the toothpaste, two big bottles of dish soap (Palmolive with Bleach), a 2 liter of ginger ale, a cheese grater for $1, a spatula (also $1), a small bottle of detergent - $1.45, some undies for my daughter - one set for $2 and the other for $3, not bad huh? all of that came to about $22 and some change. that wasnt too bad. when i got on the bus with all my stuff, i thought i had pulled the stopcord for my stop, but apparently the driver didnt hear it and the next thing i know i'm a block up from my stop. that pissed me off. luckily i had my cell phone with me, and i called home and told my daughter and her boyfriend to meet me and help me with all the stuff i had. they came and god was i grateful. i let them go on ahead while i hobbled behind.

once we got to the house i plopped down in this chair, totally pooped. my right knee is screaming in pain and i'm gonna take 2 of my 800mg ibuprofen tablets to take it down to a dull roar. i was gonna cook, and i still might, but right now, i need to rest. i swear, didnt intend to get all that shit, but it's like it never fails -- you go in the store for one thing -ONE and come out with twenty. and i was trying so hard to keep some $$$ on my credit card, but that notion quickly went south. i swear, if i didnt really need those items, i wouldn't have gotten 'em. so y'all please dont bitch me out...a mama's gotta do what a mama's gotta do. and i dont wanna become dependent on my daughters all the time. call it pride, but that's just the way i am. i appreciate my daughters and my youngest's boyfriend for helping out around the house and doing the cooking, but i'm supposed to be cooking, cleaning and whatnot. and i do what i can when i have the energy. but sometimes, it gets to be overwhelming and i completely shut down.

and on that note, lemme get up offa my big ass and commence to cooking, cuz i'm hungry.

peace love and blessings to all of you. dont worry. i'mma be a'ight *smile*

an emotional day - mentally and physically

2006-02-09T17:39:00.000-08:00

made it to my T appt today and i was on time. thankfully the sidewalks were cleared enough so i could walk, albeit painfully, towards the bus stop that takes me to the clinic. the clinic is part of the hospital so i dont have to go out of my way to see my T and Pdoc.

it was a very emotional session. i told my T about my near-suicidal notion and as we got to talking, he asked me what triggered it and i told him that this past Saturday would have been my dad's 80th birthday and how much i missed him. we talked about what kind of man he was, how he was always there for me even though we were separated by distance, and how it hurt me to my core when i learned that he was dying. by that time the tears started and, holding myself i cried like a baby, deep, racking, body-shaking tears.

this doctor is so patient and kind and that only made me cry even harder. thru my tears i told him next month will make a year that my dad passed and i told him how awful i felt that i didnt get to South Carolina in time to hold his hand and kiss him good-bye. my doctor let me cry as long as i had to and as the tears fell, my heart was breaking into a million pieces as i told him how totally devastated i was when i got the call that he passed away, and how i had to put myself on auto-pilot as it were to hurry and get to South Carolina for the graveside funeral. he asked what state of mind i was in and i told him though i was grieving, i found strength within to make my journey there and back. so that was the mentally emotional part of my day. after my session i hobbled over to the ER.

once i got there, the nurse immediately took me to a room and had me put on a gown and helped me to the bed. she took my vitals and once i got settled in, she told me the doc would be in shortly. since i was already mentally wiped out, i lay back and dozed off for a minute. by that time the ER doc came in and i showed her my list of symptoms. she then told me that she was gonna order blood work have the nurse give me a shot for pain, and get an X-ray for my leg and knee.

not long after the doc left, one of the transporters came to get me and took me to Radiology for the X-ray. that went fairly well, and then he brought me back to my room. then the nurse came in and put an IV line in and drew my blood. it amazes me that only a couple of years ago i was doing blood draws on patients and i tried my best to be as gentle as possible. but it's a whole different ball game when it's being done to you.

so she got her three tubes of my blood (she drew from my hand, good God it hurt like hell) and then came back and gave me a pain shot in my shoulder. geez, my pain tolerance must be dwindling because that damn shot HURT like a muthafucka! but after a while, the pain (of the shot) went away and even my old knee relaxed for a bit. so i hung out in my room until i started getting antsy because i wanted to go and have a smoke. i put on my pants and coat and as i was walking to the door i saw the doc and told her i was goin on a smoke break and would be back. she smiled and waved me ahead and out the door i went. while outside, i saw where my daughter had called and i called her back. we talked for a bit and then i went back inside.

after waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the doc and nurse came in with my discharge papers. the doc told me that from the X-rays she saw some deteriroration in my knee joint that she said comes from advancing age (shit, like i needed somebody to tell me i'm OLD for shit's sake!), and my blood work was fine so i should go ahead and follow up with my primary doc on Monday. then she wrote out a script for the same pain med i'd gotten the shot with, and then the nurse took out, or should i say yanked out the IV line and slapped some gauze and tape on it and left.

apparently she didnt apply enough pressure to the vein because when i looked down at my hand blood was spurting like i'd been stabbed. since the curtain was closed and i had access to gauze and tape, i swiped some 4x4's and with all my strength, clamped down on that oozing vein, until the flow stopped. by then there were little dots of blood on the floor, the sink and the chair. i swiped a bottle of peroxide to absorb the blood on the floor and whatnot, then re-gauzed and taped my hand. i hurried up and finished dressing and walked out the door and headed for the bus stop to wait for the bus to take me home. i was drained totally by then. i did make one last stop at the Walgreens on 51st and Cottage Grove to buy me and my daughter some cigs, and THEN i finally rode on home. i was too tired to fill the script, but i have a ginormous bottle of 800 mg ibuprofen tabs i can take for pain.

so that's been my day. i've made a meat loaf and now i'm gonna make some Stove Top stuffing and that will be it for me. it's been quite a day and i will be glad to finally lay these old bag of bones down in my bed, take my bedtime meds and wait for sleep to kick in. i appreciate all of y'all who were concerned about me; no need to worry. i'm gonna be okay *smile*

T appointment tomorrow

2006-02-08T19:05:00.000-08:00

tomorrow i have my appointment with my therapist. *sigh* it snowed earlier today so that means i'm gonna have a hellafied time walking to the bus stop in the morning, less alone putting my boots on because my feet and ankles are so swollen. after i see the T, i will hobble down to the ER and let them take a look at me, and let them know how much pain i've been in for the last 2 weeks.

also earlier today i kept Scootie Bug. he's crawling now and he reminds me of that little doll "Baby Thataway" LOL also he's a feisty lil guy, and he's got three toofeses in his lower jaw and a tooth peeking thru the upper gums. and he'll be 1 year old the 27th of this month *smile*

he wore me out good today LOL -- i could hardly keep up with him and now that he's getting older, he's fighting his naps. but all in all he's a sweet baby and any chance i can have to keep him or watch him i take it.

anyways, that's all for now. the new episode of "Law and Order" is coming on and i need to lie down anyway, cuz i been up on this bum leg too much already.

peace love and hairgrease y'all.

pain pain go away

2006-02-07T12:37:00.000-08:00

well, i made a medical doctor appointment for the 13th at 1:15pm. i have been having a lot of pain, numbness and tingling in my right knee and leg lately and it has now become extremely difficult to walk, even with my cane. going up and down these stairs is virtually impossible now, and i guess a scooter chair will probably be the next thing i wind up getting -- the only problem is my building is not disabled-friendly and i live on a fucking 3rd floor. *sigh*

i have a question to y'all...have any of you ever experienced "brain shivers" -- a feeling in your head like you've been zapped with a Taser? i have and it made my hair hurt -- dont laugh, it's true. it's like my hair follicles went numb all of a sudden. not to mention the numbness and "pins and needles" sensation in the first four fingers of each of my hands. yeah i know it sound like carpal tunnel, and i have a brace i wear on my right hand, but even with the brace my fingers still numb up. sometimes i can't type or even write because my first four fingers (thumb, index, middle and ring) feel like an electric current has run thru them and at night it's still bad.

i cannot stand for long periods of time anymore without the feeling that my legs are gonna "give way" or buckle. i ache in EVERY joint and muscle, and i'm tired all the time. i think i even grind my teeth in my sleep because i've woken up with one side of my jaw hurting. and i feel like i've gone 20 rounds with Mike Tyson.

i looked up some of the symptoms i've been having and a lot of them are like the beginnings of MS (multiple sclerosis), especially the tingling and numbness in my lower extremeties. when i see the doc i will ask her for a neuro exam, as well as have blood work done too.

great. first i lose my damn mind, now my body is short-circuiting. oh well. it's the hand i've been dealt so i may as well play it. i know now for sure going back to doing what i did before is totally out of the question. i know my body...being on my feet for 8 hours every day is gone for good. hell, i can barely walk down the damn street to the bus stop, and getting on and off buses that dont have either a hydraulic lift or step is a painful feat. i've called our public transportation company and asked them to send me an application for their door-to-door service for disabled patients. it's called a Paratransit Program, where they have special needs vehicles that will pick you up and take you to wherever you have to go for a small fee. so i guess my bus riding days are coming to a screeching halt too. whatever. if i am approved for the Paratransit Program, i will be able to go to my T and P-doc appointments without having to do a lot of walking.

thursday i see my T. i already know i'm in for a painful hike to the bus stop and back. oh well. shit happens.

a big "Thank You" to all my Blogger friends

2006-02-06T08:17:00.000-08:00

i want to thank all of my Blogger friends that i have had the pleasure to have come to know for your caring, kind comments while i was away temporarily and also on the post for my beloved father's birthday.

you all mean so much to me, and i certainly feel the love from all of you, and in kind, i'm sending out love to all of you as well - especially to those who are going thru a tough time...extra hugs and extra love.

it never ceases to amaze me how much love and support one can get from people in cyberspace than you can with real life people. i consider myself very blessed and very fortunate to have come to know you all - y'all know who you are *smile* y'all are listed on my "Bloggin' Posse" sidebar.

so once again, from the bottom of my heart, i THANK YOU, i love you and may you all be blessed. you all are truly wonderful.

oh, BTW, guess who called me out of the blue? yep, you guessed right. Ms. Homophobe. dont y'all worry...i have my guard up. i will admit it was nice to talk to her again, but i think we both know that boundaries have to be set so that neither one of us will get overwhelmed; however, i'm still watching my back.

i have also made a medical doctor's appointment for next Monday because here of late i've been having extreme pain, numbness and tingling in my right knee, legs, feet and hands, and also my balance has been off somewhat. when i looked up the symptoms yesterday, they all seemed to point to MS. that's why i'm going to see the doctor so that she can perhaps have me see a neurologist, and also i want her to do some bloodwork to see if i'm still anemic and if i've developed diabetes from taking Seroquel. i'm also gonna ask for a mammogram and a Pap exam too. for those of y'all who are praying people, please say some prayers for me while i'm having these tests done. as i said in one of my other posts, whatever the results turn out to be, i will just have to play the hand i've been dealt.

it's becoming more and more difficult to walk and stand, and now i walk with a noticeable limp, because my right knee hurts when i move it, and the numbness and tingling sensation is traveling down my leg and further down to my foot. not only that, but the first four fingers on each of my hands get numb and prickly feeling, and my fingers look like little sausages. i hurt all over like i've been sucker-punched in every joint and muscle in my body. my feet stay cold even when it's warm in the house and occasionally i have "brain shivers" where it feels like i've been zapped in the head with a Taser. these things are scaring me, so i know i better go and get a thorough checkup.

anyways, i wont bore you all anymore with this. i'm just glad to know you all care and that is a very comforting thing, because i care about all of you.

Happy Birthday Daddy - Feb 4, 1926-March 1, 2005

2006-02-04T09:43:00.000-08:00

this song reminds me of when i was a little girl and i would always wanna be with my daddy. the lyrics express everything i feel inside. though my Daddy may be gone from me, his sweet memories will always remain in my heart.

So Dad, this one is for you. I love you and miss you so very much.

Dance With My Father (www.videocodezone.com)

i know this tends to be annoying after a while, so if you would like to see the video of Dance With My Father click on the web page and type "Luther Vandross" in the search box. i was getting kinda tired of having to mute it each time i opened the page.

aches and pains on buses and trains - bleh

2006-02-03T11:42:00.000-08:00

this about sums up how i feel today. i got stuff to do -- buy a new bus pass, go pay my rent and roll over my payday loan. the spirit is willing but the body is saying HELL NO, NOT TODAY YOU CRAZY, FAT OLD COW!!!! at first it was just my right knee that was aching....now the LEFT one is starting up on me. *sigh*

i really need to do the aforementioned errands, but my body just wont let me. i know what some of y'all are thinking...can you ask your daughter to run your errands? unfortunately no, because she doesnt have access to my bank accounts nor does she have a State ID card. so that cancels that notion. i'm already in a shitty mood and the rainy weather aint helping it one iota. i may just hobble up to the currency exchange, buy the bus pass and hobble my old ass back home. i dont know what the fuck to do. i really dont wanna come outta my house tomorrow, so i may as well suck it up today and get on with it. shit shit shit shit.

all i know is that i'mma be a pissed-off bitch today and nobody better not EVEN think of adding to my state of pissivity -- otherwise they may get the Ike-Turner-Slap-A-Bitch-And-Put-Some-Stank-On-It beatdown with my cane.

other than that, how's YOUR day going?

crippling depression

2006-02-02T21:19:00.000-08:00

this was me about a week ago. i was having terrible crying spells, felt useless, worthless, and stupid. yes. that IS exactly how i felt. i was journaling in my Windows NotePad and as i was writing, the overwhelming urge to just lay down and die kept gnawing at me.

i didnt want to live anymore. i felt that i was a burden and a failure to my daughters, and that i wasnt a "whole" person anymore. i made stupid mistakes, and all while i was feeling this way, i could hear my mother's voice berating me, saying i was pathetic and that my kids would be better off without me. i even wrote out my "goodbye note" telling my children i loved them, and God forgive me for what i was gonna do. i think maybe because my hormones were raging (it was that time of the month) and all discombobulated, the feeling of ending my life became overpowering. instead, coward that i am, i curled up in a ball and cried until i couldnt cry no more. not just sniffling tears, but great, heart-wrenching, soul-crushing tears that came deep from within my viscera. it was like my heart was crying and i simply wanted to die. i figured nobody would give a rat's ass anyways, because i was such a screw-up and never seemed to "fit in". huh. i still dont "fit in", but i have a different attitude about it now. quite frankly, i dont give a shit about "fitting in". i'm different, and i dont think there's anything wrong about being different...if anything it makes one unique.

however, when one is in the deathlike grip of crushing depression, and you feel that there's no light at the end of the tunnel, well, one tends to feel like "damaged goods"; rejects that nobody wants, like gum on the heel of somebody's shoe. that's how crippling this illness is. even when i saw my pdoc this past Friday, i started weeping in his office because that deep, visceral pain had crept upon me and i couldnt help it.

i also think what triggered this awful depression is the fact that Saturday would be my dad's 80th birthday, and next month on the 1st of March will be a year ago he passed away. so my heart is heavy. also, during this month, the 14th makes two years ago my babygirl was almost raped, and on the 17th is the 3-year anniversary of when i had my first nervous breakdown.

so i'm gonna have a lot of shit on my mind to deal with. if i dont post anything on the 4th, the 14th or the 17th of this month, or the 1st of next month, please dont worry. i wont do anything to hurt myself; instead, i'll be probably sitting around crying my eyes out, as i play "Dance With My Father" somewhere on this computer. below is the entry i had written last week:

January 27,2006

damn i'm tired. didnt write anything yesterday because i was badly depressed. i cried off and on all this week, and last night i started crying in my sleep. i guess all the pain and hurt that i've been feeling was finally taking its toll on me, not to mention next month is gonna be a muthafucka for me. why? because Feb. 4 would have been my daddy's 80th birthday and he's gone. the 13th is flashbacks to when my babygirl was almost raped, and the 17th - which is when i see Dr. Munoz again - makes 3 years ago i had my first breakdown. i will see Dr. Galligan on the 9th which is good. Dr. Munoz says i really should see Dr. G at least every week, because he knows that i have had a lot happen within a year and he feels that by seeing my T every week will help me to not go back into the dark hole where i start dissociating, which is what i've been doing lately, not to mention not sleeping well and having crying spells.

i know that i'm depressed, and i try to shake it but sometimes it just gets very overwhelming and i wind up crying out of the blue. i also know it could be my hormones too, being that i'm perimenopausal and still have periods which give me hell from time to time and just saps all my energy. i also told Dr. Munoz that i didnt feel the Klonopin wasnt working anymore in helping me sleep at night, and he said he would have to gradually wean me off it and put me on another anti-anxiety med called Trazadone, but not now. i also had him fill out this paper from DHS regarding my continuing Seroquel, because Medicaid wont pay for it unless they get this statement from my pdoc. Dr. Munoz filled out the paper, and told me to take it to Walgreens where i get my meds filled and have them fill out their part of the paper. now i gotta get up the $$$ to have it faxed to DHS, so i can continue the Seroquel until it's all gone. after that, i dont know what he's gonna put me on. he asked me about Geodon and Risperdal, and i told him about the awful side effects of those meds: Geodon made me suicidal and broke me out in a rash, and Risperdal increased my heart rate and i developed horrible tremors and a zombie-like affect.

so i dont know what i'm gonna be taking once i'm done with Seroquel. as long as it aint Geodon or Risperdal, i'm pretty much flexible as to trying something else. i definitely feel the Klonopin's effectiveness has played out, because ordinarily right after i take it along with Seroquel, i would be bouncing off the walls and knocked out sleep. so i dont know if he's gonna increase it or start easing me off it, all i know is that it aint working for me no more, and i just cant abruptly stop taking it without going into severe withdrawal. sigh. all of this just to keep sane. i also dont think Zoloft is working no more either, because i find myself getting more depressed and having suicidal thoughts. so i guess its time to find another "cocktail" so i dont go off the deep end. it aint easy being crazy...but i gotta play the hand that i've been dealt.

my diagnosis? psychosis, severe recurrent depression, PTSD, Dissociative Disorder. in other words, i'm all outta order. it's like that and that's the way it is. life really just sucks for me these days, and a lot of it is all my own doing. but, i cant undo what's already been done. it's my mess and cant nobody clean it up but me. i've become paranoid, sometimes i hear negative voices berating me for being so stupid and it's my mama's voice every time. that just sends me deeper into depression, and i find myself crying uncontrollably sometimes. i feel like a failure to everyone - mainly myself. i feel like a failure to my children, to my life, and i feel like my children shouldnt have to deal with a defective, useless piece of shit like me.

sometimes i wish they would just go on and have me committed because i serve no purpose no more. i feel like an idiot, a person who will never amount to shit, because i am shit. mama, you were right. i was never gonna amount to shit, i do stupid things, and why should my poor children put up with my sorry ass. maybe you're right mama.

maybe i'd be better off dead. nobody would give a shit anyways. nobody would care, much less come to my funeral. wouldnt matter. i'm just a worthless, useless, fat-assed stupid piece of shit that dont nobody gives a shit about. you're right mama. nobody would miss me, hell, what have i contributed to the world? nothing. i cant even raise my children right. i'm a fucking stupid-assed spendthrift who aint about shit. you're right mama. why dont i just do the world a favor and kill myself so that nobody would have to be bothered with my idiot-brained ass.

maybe i should just take a handful of pills, lie down and wait to die. maybe then my wretched soul will finally be at peace. i dont deserve to live and my kids dont deserve a failure like me. nobody would miss me; in fact, they'd probably be glad i'm gone, because i wasnt worth being around. God have mercy on my miserable soul. my beloved children - i know they hate me. i can feel it. so why should i continue living?

the pills are calling me, as i sit here and type and the tears are streaming down my face....no one knows what pain i feel right now, no one could possibly understand how much i hurt deep down inside, down to my very core, and the tears i shed i cant seem to stop...yet the pills are calling me, telling me that all i have to do is just take them and i wont be in anymore pain...just take them, lie down and it will all be over...though i'm fighting the urge with every ounce of strength to not succumb to the calling of the pills...they're calling me...but i wont give in, even though my very soul wants to give in, give up, and just die.

maybe i should call 911 and tell them i'm feeling suicidal...or maybe not. just as soon as the tears let up for a minute, they start right back, and the pain in my soul is like someone has stabbed me in my heart and keeps twisting the knife over and over and over....i so desperately want to die, but yet there's a part of me that is still refusing to give in to the pills that are calling out to me.....calling me...calling...me.......

I'M BAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-02-02T11:59:00.000-08:00

hello hello hello everybody!!!!!! the old bag of bones is back! i want to thank all of you who left comments to my last post --- due to circumstances beyond my control um, oh hell, lemme just keep it real here - i had a past due cable/internet bill annnnnnnnd, when said bill is past due, well, one has "servicus interruptus". so i was without Internet service -ggrrrrr. now that i have paid said past due bill, i's back fulla piss and vinegar LOL

i've really missed y'all and from the number of comments left on my last post, i see y'all missed me too...awwwwwwwwwwwwwww you all are so kind and so sweet and I LOVE EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HUGS TO ALL OF YOU (((((((((((((((((((((((((BLOGGIES))))))))))))))))))))))))))

on the real side, i'm humbled that y'all thought about me. i almost wound up in the hospital because i was so depressed i had thought about s*icide. but, thank the Creator those thoughts have passed and emotionally, i'm feeling better...however, this damn right knee is REALLY givin me hell. now i have to walk around the house WITH MY DAMN CANE -grrrrrrrrrrrr.

but nnnnnnnnnnnnnnn-eways, i'm glad to be back in Blogland and again a huge THANK YOU to all my Blogger friends for thinking of me. y'all gon' make me cry now.......

BTW -- that damn groundhog saw his shadow so i guess that means 6 more weeks of winter *sigh* well, at least here *knock wood* the weather has been relatively mild, but i aint holdin' my breath LOL

also, i finally got around to straightening up my house and i must say it looks WAY better than it did - yay me! i guess it's true what they say - your environment reflects how you feel and as i said, i had been feeling pretty shitty, but my oldest daughter had came over this past weekend and gave me a heart-to-heart motivational talk which i needed. she said she was beginning to worry about me just sitting in the dark and in one spot and said that she knew that wasnt the the "real" me. and it wasnt. so the next day, i was a cleaning fool, yes indeed. i went from the
living room to the bathroom, and the next day, tackled the kitchen. so now i feel like i actually live here LOL

went grocery shopping yesterday and got the cupboards nice and full, even with this bum knee. my youngest went with me, and was a huge help and when we got home, her b/f came and took
the groceries upstairs while i hobbled albeit painfully up them hard-ass concrete stairs. i summoned up some energy to cook some chicken wings and finally flopped down on my bed and in the midst of watching "Law & Order SVU" rerun, and after taking my meds, i was down for the count. prior to that, i watched MTV's "Movies That Rock" and "The Temptations" movie was on. i love that movie, because it gives account of how the Temps got started and their rise to fame when they became Motown stars.

well this is enough blabbing for today. i will holla atcha tomorrow. this right knee is killing me and i gotta lie down for a bit.

much much MUCH LOVE to all of you.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX TO ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

growing old gracefully....YEAH RIGHT!

2006-01-19T11:05:00.000-08:00

growing old gracefully? sheeeeiiiiiittttttt! aint nuttin' graceful about this shit, ok? prime of my life? YEAH RIGHT. mind you, there ARE women who enter their 40s looking good, not nary an ache or pain in their body, and also, they have young studs (like say, hmmm, 19-25) to keep 'em happy. whoop de doo. i've done the "older woman, younger man" thang, and i will NEVER do it again.

i'm 47 years OLD and i feel every bit of it. last night, my right knee started aching something fierce, and when i woke up this mornin-OH LAWD old man "Arthur" done put a death grip on this knee and just to get up from my chair i had to use my cane. (btw, "Arthur" is a nickname for "arthritis")

i guess maybe some cold got in that knee when i went out yesterday - even tho i wear a long, heavy down coat, the winds were pretty high and kinda sharp. i've always had problems with my knees, and yeah being overweight dont help, yeah yeah yeah bla bla bla...however, i have run into a number of women WHO WERE NOT OVERWEIGHT complaining about knee pain. so back up off me, goddam it LOL. i've seen a lot of slender to medium build women hobbling around on canes, in scooter chairs and so on - so it aint just us fat broads ok?

NNNNNNN-eway...back to my knee. when i was working as a CNA (certified nurse assistant), i was always on my feet from the time my shift started at 3pm, sometimes non-stop until 11pm. by the time shift was over, EVERY bone, tendon, joint, ligament, muscle would be screaming in pain--especially my shoulders and knees. a lot of times i barely got a chance to take a piss, let alone sit down and eat lunch - shit, most of the time i had a sandwich in one pocket of my tunic or jacket and my needles, tubes, alcohol swipes, gloves stuffed in a plastic bag in the other pocket. sometimes i'd have a bag of sunflower seeds or chips in my pocket and would munch on them as i scurried about.

i have also fallen on BOTH knees several times...made a misstep while i was walking home and tripped and landed on the hard concrete on both knees; i slipped on some ice one time and landed on BOTH knees; and when i was working at University of Chicago Hospital, i lost my balance and landed on one knee on a hard tile floor that was damp. and yes, there was a sign up that said "caution wet floor" but apparently i didnt see it and since the bottom of my shoes were rubber soled, it didnt take much for me to slip, trip and fall on my left knee. so yeah, these knees have taken a beating over the years, and now that i'm middle-age, the pain is coming back to bite me in the, uh, knees.

well, lemme go and find my bottle of 800mg ibuprofen. at least it will take the pain down to a dull roar. i have NO plans on going anywhere with this pain, except maybe back to my bed. i went out yesterday and cold got in the knee, and then i had to climb 4 flights of concrete stairs in my building, which added insult to injury (literally speaking) and good God, that was painful.

in my future, i see myself with one of those "scooter chairs" cuz these old bones just cant hack it no more. and the next apartment i get, goddam it, it's either gonna be a ground level first floor, or have an elevator. and yeah, y'all can say all day long, "well, you need to lose some of that weight" yeah well, i did once, and still had knee problems, fuckyouverymuch, so it dont fuckin' matter if you are slender, medium build or overweight, KNEE PROBLEMS ARE KNEE PROBLEMS, OKAY??? IT DONT DISCRIMINATE, A'IGHT??? so dont gimme that shit about lose weight. yeah i'mma short, fat old broad who's set in her ways, so get over it and leave me the fuck alone. thankfully i carry my weight well and like "Voices In My Head"said (she has a great blog BTW) which i LOVE this: "i'm like a Rolls Royce -- built for comfort, not speed." Nuff said.

oh and by the way i finally "defunktified" myself too. yes i did. i took a "ho bath" (washing up in the sink, ok? dang, y'all aint never heard that term before?) so now i feel somewhat human. so y'all can put up the HazMat gear,
ok LOL

gotta go...this pain is driving me nuts.....

old man winter is back

2006-01-17T15:00:00.000-08:00

well, those balmy temperatures of 55 and 60 degrees are gone today. it's just the way i like it outside...cold, dreary and gloomy. i actually feel better knowing it's like that outside; kinda gives me a comforting feeling. it was snowing earlier, and as much as i hate snow, this time i was excited about it. it didnt stick, but by this being Chicago, i know it will be back. we never escape January's bitter temperatures and/or snow. so those folks who were wearing their leather or denim jackets are gonna have to put em up--old man winter is back in full force.

luckily i have nowhere to go until the 27th (i thought it was the 24th *duh!*) to my pdoc appointment. this is good sleeping weather, and if it werent for the fact that i would be up all night, i would go and take a nap right now. oh, i almost forgot to mention i had Scootie Bug for a few minutes while his mommy had to make a run. he's toddling along in his walker now and he's crawling *smile*. he will be 1 year old next month on the 27th. he is such a lil cutie. when he smiles, my heart melts. i guess, i'm getting the "i wanna be a grandma" bug, and oddly enough, my oldest daughter is getting the "i wanna be a mommy" bug lol. and she knows if she had a baby he/she would be spoiled rotten. oh well, all good things in time.

*sigh* anyway, from what i saw on my desktop weather, it's gonna be in the low 30s to middle 40s, and drop down in the 20s later on in the evening.

yep. old man winter is gonna hang around for a while. i just hate when summer comes...yuck. i'd rather be wrapped up in my heavy coat in the cold than being outside melting in 90 plus degree weather.

oh well.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. - Jan. 15, 1929-April 4, 1968

2006-01-16T16:04:00.000-08:00

James, i hope you dont mind me borrowing this photo of the late Dr. Martin Luther King *smile*

Dr. King, along with the late Rosa Parks were the powerhouses behind the Civil Rights Movement. Dr. King's mission was that of peace and brotherhood between all races and religions. At the age of 39, his life was tragically snatched away while he resided at the Lorraine Motel in Memphis, Tennessee.

Stevie Wonder recorded a song dedicated to the celebration of Dr. King's birthday and his legacy, called "Happy Birthday To Ya". It was the determination of Stevie and a few other members of the Civil Rights Movement, including Dr. King's wife, Coretta Scott King, and his children and many other supporters that were instumental in making Dr. King's birthday a national holiday..

Though faced with strong opposition for this monumental move, and the strong conviction of Stevie and other supporters, Dr. King's birthday is celebrated and hailed as a national holiday. There are still opponents of this historic event, but nevertheless it has prevailed to keep Dr. King's dream of peace and brotherhood alive.

Happy Birthday, Dr. King. May your dream become a reality one day.

"sunshine, blue skies, please go away..."

2006-01-15T12:04:00.000-08:00

i'm not liking this spring-like weather we're currently having here in Chi-Town. i'm used to dark, gloomy, snowy and colder'n penguin shit outside. this sunny shit is wiggin' me out. altho for those of y'all who suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), for y'all the sun is a godsend. for mizeeyore, it's torture.

when it's dark and rainy and no sun is shining, somehow that feels comforting to me. being a nocturnal person, i usually get excited when it starts getting dark outside. the darkness feels like a security blanket and the majority of the time, i keep my lights off in the house, because i love the dark. sometimes if i have to go to Walgreens or something, i will wait until it's dark and then make my nocturnal journey. that was one of the reasons i used to work the night shift a lot. for the most part, it was quiet, most of the patients were sleeping and if i was working with a cool nurse i could trust, i could go and sneak a catnap for a couple of hours, or me and a co-worker would go out on frequent smoke breaks and put up our feet and talk.

there have been times i've stayed up way past my night med "window", which is about 11:30-11:45, and stayed up all night playing computer games. shortly after i take my night meds, i start feeling sleepy, but if i'm in deep concentration on a particular web game, i will sit here til the wee hours of the morning still playing the game, or if a movie on TV holds my interest, i will lay in my bed and watch it all the way thru, and just as i see the skies start fading from black to dawn, then i will go to bed. i swear i must have been Blacula's daughter in another life LOL

god, i wish this damn sun would hurry up and go down....bleh.

"in the land of funk"

2006-01-15T11:40:00.000-08:00

what is it about depression that makes you not give a shit about your hygiene? that somehow being funky somehow feels more comfortable? unless i absolutely have to be someplace, like my therapist/p-doc appointments, only then will i summon up the energy to take a bath-usually the night before, because my appointments are kinda early - groom my hair, spritz on some of my favorite body spray, apply makeup (very little at that - mostly lipstick and pressed powder) and find a presentable outfit to wear. if i have a script that needs filling, or i'm low on cigs, after i'm done with my appointment(s), i'll ride the bus to Walgreens, sit and wait for the scripts to be filled, pick up the cigs, and whatever else is needed for the house, like bathroom tissue, soap, toothpaste, etc, and then take the bus on home. once i've done all of that, then it's back to Funkytown.

before i got sick, i was a woman who took pride in how i looked. being full-figured, i would go to stores like Lane Bryant, The Avenue, and Ashley Stewart to shop for cute clothes and jazzy accessories. that was my passion. finding ethnic-inspired jewelry, i.e., big silver hoop earrings, bracelets, pendants/necklaces - that was my thing. shoes?...aw man, i'd find some really cute shoes from Payless - some in genuine leather - and rack up. makeup? well i prefer the "natural" look, so it was pressed powder, eyebrow pencil and lipstick. occasionally, i might put a little eyeshadow in a goldtone or coppery tone on my eyelids and line my eyes with a charcoal pencil, but for the most part, it was the basic brow pencil/pressed powder/lipstick routine. i would also arch my own brows with a brow razor i got for $1 at the beauty store, and fill in the sparse areas with a black/brown pencil, and NO i did not have the Joan Crawford "Mommie Dearest" look either LOL

then comes the hair. being that i wear my hair close cut, i would take the clippers and cut my hair, line my forehead and neck and then wash and gel my hair where the sides and back are smooth and the top curly. when my roots started showing, i'd get my favorite shade of red and kick my color up a notch, wash and condition it, and then do the gel routine. all of the makeup, and hair would be done in less than 30 minutes.

now? ha. i figure since i dont go nowhere, and have become a self-imposed hermit, why bother? who am i gonna dress up for? NOBODY! even if i have to make a quick run to the store around the corner, i usually just throw on my coat and a pair of old shoes and get what i needed to get and go home. when it gets to the point that i cant stand my own funk, then yes, i will get in the tub and literally scrub myself raw, wash this sheep's ass on my head called hair, and in amazement, watch the dead skin and dirt and goop from hair go down the drain.

now some of y'all may say, that's just trifling and disgusting...how can you be in your house and be funky and not care? well, when one is depressed, it takes a tremendous amount of energy just to even get up to go take a piss, so when one is in an "emotional funk" well, personal hygiene and shit like that seems like a huge effort when one realizes teeth must be brushed, body must be cleansed and so on. bottom line: when the brain aint in an upswing, aint shit gon' be done, a'ight? and as strange as this sounds--i havent had a cold *knock wood* all this winter, because i've stayed my ass right here in the house, so i aint around people who are coughing, sneezin' and snottin' and have the misfortune to inhale their germs because germs like those are airborne and all it takes is for somebody to sneeze in my direction, and i'm done for.

so that is why i have limited my ventures to the outside world. i'm gonna stay in the "land of funk" until i get good and goddam ready to finally "devoid" myself of it. right now, I JUST DONT GIVE A SHIT, OK? it aint like i aint got soap, toothpaste or deodorant...i do. but why bother? i dont entertain company, and i dont care to be around a lotta people. and this has been an unseasonably warm January, but that dont mean the snow and deep freeze wont find its way here. trust me, IT WILL BE BACK.

i figure as long as i have this computer, my friends in Blogland, my TV, and some food to eat, i'm happy. my pdoc appointment is on the 24th, and that is when i will de-funktify myself. once the appoinment is over, and unless i have to do something else, like get a med script filled, or go by my bank, back to Funkytown i will go and i will stay until the next scheduled appointment, or until i cant stand myself any longer.

in the words of the hip-hop group Run-D-MC "it's like that and that's the way it is."

"yes, i'm the Great Pretender..." NOT!

2006-01-14T12:20:00.000-08:00

after midnight last night my food stamps were finally on my Link card just like my caseworker told me they would. now my youngest and her boyfriend are up getting ready to go to the store. i'm gonna make a list of stuff for her to get, and then i'm laying my fat ass back in my bed. as y'all can see, i didnt go to the volunteer tea...i just wasnt feeling up to being around people pretending that i feel "wonderful" and everything is "sunshine and butterflies" and other "happy happy joy joy" bullshit. i can only pretend for so long and then i must retreat back into my cave, where i feel safe.

yesterday it was cold, raining/sleeting and for some reason, i like it better when it's gloomy out. when the sun is shining, i feel like Dracula and want to hide away in the darkest part of my place. weird aint it?

i know the Museum will be having activities for Black History Month next month. maybe i will volunteer for some of the events; maybe i wont. depends on my mood and my state of mind. i have a P-doc appointment on the 24th, and i am definitely keeping that. i doubt if he will have any more samples of Seroquel, so more than likely he's gonna try me out on a new anti-psychotic. i'm sure gonna miss Seroquel...it's been my life preserver for almost 3 years now. oh well. i guess all good things have to come to an end sometimes.

when it's time to make the switch, i will let him know PLEASE, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, put me on Geodon or Risperdal. i am allergic to Geodon, and on top of that, it makes me suicidal. Risperdal -- when it was given to me when i was in the hospital - i became totally zombie-like and i felt super-retarded and it seemed to also slow my heart rate, which made me feel like i was suffocating, and i got bad tremors from both of them. so NO Geodon and NO Risperdal.

whatever Dr M decides to put me on, i know i had better be near my bed when it kicks in. i certainly dont want to have a repeat performance of my hitting the floor like when i first started Seroquel. i know it's gonna take time for my body to adjust to the new med, so i expect to be woozy and extremely sleepy, and since i am practically a hermit, and my bed is only a few steps away, i wanna be already in it when it hits.

i will also tell Dr M about the "rage" moment i had a few days ago. thank god i'm not feeling like that now. i guess i'm back to my "nonchalant" or "flat" feeling now. *shrugs* oh well. works for me.

comedy has gone to the dogs ROFL

2006-01-13T10:37:00.000-08:00

my oldest daughter called me this morning with a story that had me laughing my ass off til tears were running down my face. she was telling me about the adventures of her dogs Battle and Scrappy. both of them are pit bulls (my mistake i thought they both were Rottweilers) and both of them are goofy as hell.

she told me that Scrappy ATE HER DEODORANT, ate her boyfriend's WORK SHOE, ate a box of Q-TIPS, some FABRIC SOFTENER SHEETS, and the piece de la resistance? ATE THE DOWNY FABRIC SOFTENER BALL- WITH A SMALL AMOUNT OF DOWNY IN THE BALL!!!!! oh and i almost forgot about this too - Scrappy ate HER SARAN-WRAPPED SANDWICH, INCLUDING THE SARAN-WRAP!!!! she said Saran Wrap was all over the place LMAO

i nearly died laughing. OMFG. when she told me about the deodorant, that did it -- and it was Secret Powder Fresh scent. well, at least when the dog farts, it'll be powder fresh, and the fur on his ass will be soft, fluffy and static-free ROFL! usually when the dogs fart, both my daughter and her boyfriend HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE because the noxious odors of the dog's farts are enough to knock out a WWF wrestler -phew!

and it's not like they dont feed the dogs -- they do. they get the best of dog food - Iams. Battle has destroyed any number of TV remotes, HIS FOOD AND WATER BOWLS, a pair of my daughter's K-Swiss GYM SHOES - STRINGS AND ALL, her boyfriend's wallet, and also 3 PAIRS of his gym shoes too. Scrappy is the new addition to their family, and unlike Battle, who usually doesnt like to eat his food (guess remotes and wallets have a better taste LOL), Scrappy is a greedy lil bugger and will eat his food, Battle's food, and just about anything...as y'all can see LOL. she had me in stitches describing how the dog has nearly eaten everything in their house -- INCLUDING TOILET PAPER ROFLMAO! oh did i mention that Battle drinks the LAUNDRY WATER FROM THE WASHING MACHINE!

so i suppose if my daughter were still in grammar or high school, the excuse "my dog ate my homework" would be the God-honest truth LMAO

altho knowing Battle's and Scrappy's history of devouring damn near everything in their house, not only would the homework get eaten, but the bookbag, pencils and other stuff would get eaten too LOL

that's why i am a cat person lol

in the words of Ice Cube - "it was a good day"

2006-01-12T14:20:00.000-08:00

what's happenin' y'all. as previously mentioned, i am in a MUCH more calmer state than i was yesterday. the annoying constant drip of my bathtub's hot water faucet was finally silenced -- if i had to hear that constant ongoing drip i would have shaved my head bald - but now it is blissfully silent in the bathroom now. i think, no i KNOW that was part of my outta control anger - it was beginning to feel like Chinese water torture and i was losing my goddam mind! thankfully the little Hispanic maintenance guy came here early - even tho i was drunk with sleep - and took care of that problem. shit, it took 'em long enough. one more day and i probably would have seriously considered gouging MY OWN eyeballs out with a hot poker.

in other news, the weather outside was extremely pleasant - the temp was saying something like 65 degrees, but i didnt take any chances. i still wore my heavy down coat and put my hat and gloves in my purse just in case the temperature took a sudden nosedive. i made it to the aid office, and i didnt have to get ugly with anyone. i sat and calmly waited to see my caseworker. after a while one of the managers came down to ask who was there to see their worker, and i believe it was about 6 of us. she took us all upstairs to a waiting area and then one by one she asked us who our respective worker's name was. i still remained reticent and calm, and started saying both the "Serenity Prayer" and the Buddhist chant "nam myoho renge kyo"(sp?)over and over to keep me calm. and i sat there quietly and peacefully.

after a few moments, i saw my worker coming back from lunch. i smiled at her and told her i was there to see her, and she said she would come back for me and this other young lady and her little boy, and she did. we followed her to her cube, and she took care of the young mama and was very pleasant and nice. after the young mama and her little one left, it was my turn. she patiently processed all the information i had supplied on the renewal form, and we chit-chatted while she took care of business. i'm going to send her a card for being so nice and courteous, because some of the workers can be downright shitty. anyway, she got me back in the system and told me that probably this coming Saturday i should be getting my foodstamps on my Link card WOO HOO! she was kind enough to walk me to the elevator and we exchanged pleasantries and since it was such a nice day out, i took my time and walked home, feeling a hell of a lot better than yesterday. that was another thing that had me agitated and ready to monkey-stomp somebody.

sooooo.... in the words of Ice Cube - "i have to say it was a good day."

so much for being a "landlady"

2006-01-12T08:31:00.000-08:00

before i go on, i wanna apologize for the bitchfest of 2006 yesterday and i also want to thank everyone who posted comments when i was in a very high state of pissivity at the world. that's usually not like me, but i had so much shit on my mind well, i had to do something. so thank you all (you know who you are *smile*) for your comments and support.

so much for being a blog landlady. i havent acquired enough credits for anyone to bid on. so down goes the "Rent My Blog" sign...for now.

anyways, i'm a lot calmer now -- not to the point of "happy happy joy joy" but at least rational and subdued.

thank you all for your support. i'm going back to bed now...no, wait i have to go to the aid office. not to worry dear readers, i am in a peaceful place and i promise i wont go ballistic *smile*.

BitchFest 2006 - yeah you read it right

2006-01-11T13:47:00.000-08:00

when i first decided to blog, i really didnt know what to say...so i talked about my journey thru mental illness and stuff like that. perhaps i should have stayed the course and just kept talking about it and not talk about other things, because i guess to some readers i sound too "normal," like there really isnt anything wrong with me, and perhaps i just blog to keep people entertained. WRONG.

i blog about my illness, the way i feel from day to day, and also about the good things that happen, even if for only a moment. i write from my heart and my soul. but perhaps i should just go back to writing about my illnesses and so on, then maybe this missive would be more interesting. i had even thought about just deleting the damn thing completely because perhaps i wasnt coming across as "crazy" enough or have enough "drama" to make this thing readable and before i go on let me preface this with another disclaimer: TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DO CARE TO READ MY BLOG, I THANK YOU AND THIS POST IS NOT DIRECTED AT YOU.

perhaps i shouldnt have posted about Kwanzaa, even though i made a disclaimer that it wasnt a religious holiday, nor was i trying to "shove it down anyone's throat". perhaps i'm a hypocrite because i passed judgement on a person who judged me, and maybe that person is right. now i'm back to wanting to shut this muthafucka down because i guess i'm not "sticking to the subject". perhaps i'm just a lame-ass who should keep my blog "dark" and "gloomy" so that it will be palatable to those who happen by this blog. i can do dark and gloomy.

perhaps i'm just in a really shitty, pissy and fucked-up mood right now and i need to vent, bitch, piss and moan and have some cheese with my whine, to show y'all a side of me that aint pretty, loving, witty, fun, sweet and all that other lame nonsense. perhaps i'm just a bitter, mean, fat-assed, premenopausal, worn-out old cow-bitch who is having a pissy moment and want to share it with the rest of y'all. i hope you are enjoyin' the show. next mood swing in...RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

perhaps i wanna go down to the fuckin aid office and go totally ballistic because they have been fucking me around with my goddam food stamps which is making me spend money i really dont fucking have right now because of their screw-up. perhaps if i go in there yelling at the top of my lungs, the rent-a-cop will summon Chicago's-Not-So-Finest to whisk me away to the nearest nut ward because i completely lost it on a bitch who looked at me the fuckin wrong way and i hauled off and started monkey stompin' her ugly ass and then commenced to whuppin her ass like a runaway slave with my cane. perhaps then maybe things would get fucking done.

perhaps i wanna hurl shit around my house upside the fuckin' wall and scream at the top of my lungs because this shit that is weighin' heavy on me is fuckin with my understanding and if i were to go amongst people today it would be VERY DANGEROUS TERRITORY - when provoked i might kill you, or attempt to do so. psychotic? maybe. evil? HELL YEAH. mean? DEFINITELY. moody? um, DUH! mad enuf to wanna poke somebody's eyes out with a hot poker? DONT FUCKIN' TEMPT ME GODDAM IT! see, i guess this is the shit that draws readers...this psychotic, "dark" shit. i mean hell nobody wants to always read about happy happy joy joy all the goddam time right? oh nooooooooo. no no no no no. so i think i may just change the name of this muthafucka to "BitchFest 2006". catchy title? no? oh well fuck it then.

perhaps i wanna just wanna give somebody the "Ike-Turner-Slap-A-Bitch-And-Put-Some-Stank-On-It" treatment on somebody's face for no particular reason or maybe because people generally annoy me and some form of violent behavior is called for. and VIOLENT is how i feel right now. blame it on being fucking pre-menopausal, on hormones, or whatdafuckever, i give less than a happy damn. i know y'all thinking, "damn has she taken her meds today?" YES I HAVE TAKEN MY FUCKING MEDS, a'ight? am i hearing voices right now? yeah. they are telling me to write out all this shit because i cant go out and just randomly shoot somebody -- altho i could play my "i-forgot-to-take-my-meds" card and get off on an insanity plea. so perhaps it's a good thing there are no firearms in my house, otherwise, there would be casualties in the streets today. should i call my pdoc and tell him that i'm thinking about going on a rampage and strangling people at will? no, because then he will say "you need to go to the ER right away." so i aint sayin shit til i see him for my appointment. perhaps by then the RAGE will have subsided and i'm back in that so-called "happy place." YEAH RIGHT.

and now i end this missive with a big ole "FUCK YOU" to the world because that's how i feel right now and i dont give a flying fuck who knows it.

and wouldntcha know, Michael Jackson's "DANGEROUS" was just playing on my Windows Media Player.......

a word of warning: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE LOONY...MAY BITE IF PROVOKED.....

under re-construction

2006-01-09T13:31:00.000-08:00

as y'all can see, i've been tweaking the look of this blog so that it doesnt seem so "dark." thanks Marie for the compliments on the colors! i wanted to get my sidebar the same color as the body of the blog, but i guess the white looks okay...i'm new at this so bear with me if it comes out looking lame LOL

i'm also tweaking my other blog "La Femme Erotique' " as well. i would like to use a script font for the header like Jane has on her blog. the rest looks pretty good if i must say myself. i kept the black background because since it is a blog of erotica, i figured it would be kinda, well, sexy.

what do y'all think?

payback is a muthafucka

2006-01-09T11:12:00.000-08:00

my godson called me this morning telling me that my Capricorn brutha is all brokenhearted (pfft! yeah right) because the woman that he used to call his girlfriend dont want him no more, and he called her and made a lame attempt to propose to her. her response? "click..... dial tone." oh well......

this is the same man who i was in love with close to 10 years, and i tried with all my might to tell him, show him that i loved him. i cried a many a night over this man, because i felt we were soul mates. but he chose this other chick over me. yet this same dude would go out and cheat on her, even got cold-busted when she came home and caught him bonin' another broad in their bed.
and on toppa that, SHE was taking care of him, no less - buying him clothes, payin his bills and he would still cheat on her. i guess that song by R. Kelly musta got to her: "When A Woman's Fed Up" because she aint feelin' him no more.

now he's all depressed and shit because she found somebody else. oh well. this is the same man who thought he was all that and a bag of chips, because he was a popular radio jock, and would even go so far as to bonin' chicks right there in the station (i shit you not) and was a freaky sexaholic who would have a bunch of tired looking fat 'hood rats (ghetto skeezas) chasin after him. now that he's getting older (which he aint happy about at all), and his "glory days" are gone, even the uggggliest hoochies dont wanna be bothered...so his latest thing? transgendered men who look like women -- i dont think i need to 'splain in detail...y'all figure it out...

this old song by Gladys Knight and the Pips says it all:

Didnt You Know You Have To Cry Sometimes

i remember when you left
yeah you had your own rules
about playing games
and any day
you could walk away
feelin' okay...
now look at yourself
yeah you're all hung up on
somebody else
and in your eyes
i see all the signs
of the misery
that you laid on me...

(chorus)
baby baby didnt ya know
you have to cry sometimes
aw, didnt ya know
ya had to hurt sometimes
didnt ya know
you had to
lose your pride
didnt anybody tell ya
that love
had another side.....

aw, you used to be
so proud
now your head
is a little lower
and you
walk a little slower
and you
dont talk
so loud...
now you've gotten wise
yeah you know
how love
can build you up
one moment
and the next
cut you down
to size
and then you discover
all she told ya
was a bunch
of lies....

(repeat chorus)

now you
come to me
yeah you
hurt so bad
you wanna
feel the security
of a love
you could
have had
but i cant open doors
and my arms
cant ever
take the place
of hers
cuz no other arms
could ever take
the place
of yours...
so what can
i tell ya baby....

(repeat chorus and fade)

(c) 1971 Motown Records.

like i said, payback is a muthafucka.

to tea or not to tea...that is the question

2006-01-08T13:19:00.000-08:00

i'm still tired from all the activities from last week. i could sleep all day, but then i would be up all night, so that's not an option. for the most part of the day, i've been blog surfing, posting comments, and tweaking this blog and my other one of erotic stories/poems. i'm not particularly depressed, nor am i jumping up and down and turning cartwheels -- shit, my big ass can barely climb stairs, so cartwheels are completely out of the question.

i dont know what i feel...it's hard to put into words. bored? maybe. tired? definitely. i have used all of my reserved energy last week, so maybe i'm feeling tired because i was on the go nonstop....? i'm not overwhelmed, not suicidal (thank god!), not pissed off at anything/anyone, not "zoning out", so what the hell AM i feeling? i wish i knew. numb maybe? flat? devoid of emotion? worried? no....agitated? no... i have absolutely no clue at all.

i got this invitation to "tea" in the mail from the DuSable Museum set for Saturday, January 14 at 2pm and it's for the museum volunteers. i havent volunteered at the museum since July of last year, mainly because i didnt want to be around a lot of people. yet, back in the second week of July 2005, i was a volunteer at the museum's Arts & Crafts fair, and i had a great time - even bought some silver jewelry, and then in late July, they had this awards show where i was a greeter and i did fine. so why am i waffling about this?

i think i know why; when i used to talk to Ms. Homophobe, she put a huge damper on the enthusiasm i had about the museum, because she didnt like the volunteer manager and was bitching that the museum didnt offer free lunch to their volunteers like the way Mercy Hospital did, and she was pissed at the fact that the volunteers had to have a membership at the museum. i think that literally caused me to not want to go back anymore. i stopped volunteering at Mercy because it was a "trigger" place for me and i knew too many people from when i was a full employee.

now that she and i are no longer friends, my gut is saying to go to the tea and maybe get back into volunteering at the museum again. being that i love Afrocentric culture and art, it was a good fit for me, until i listened to that unstable bitch with her rollercoaster emotions and constant nit-picking that killed my desire to continue volunteering there.

well i am going to RSVP to this invitation and go. thank god i dont have to be bothered no more with her homophobic, unstable ass. i'm going to make myself get back into an area that felt good to my creative spirit. i'm gonna try to "deprogram" that negative shit that bitch installed in my mind and go back to where my spirit and my soul felt at home.

as far as that bitch...her homophobic, hypocritical, judgemental ass can burn for eternity in hell.

Walgreens pharmacy SUCKS!!!

2006-01-07T15:36:00.000-08:00

usually i dont have problems when i go to Walgreen's to get my meds, because for the most part i go online to their site and refill them from there. but today was one of the worst days ever to go and pick up/drop off my med scripts.

first of all the line for both the drop off and pick up counters was literally six to seven deep with pissed off customers. since this change in Medicare, a lot of the customers were finding out in the worst way possible that some of their meds were no longer covered, or they had to pay a hefty co-pay for those that were. my heart went out to those folks, especially some of the senior citizens. a lot of them were confused about the changes and some of the pharmacists were giving major attitude to those poor old folks.

when it became my turn to drop off my script for Klonopin, the pharmacist yanked it out of my hand and snapped, "name and address?" feeling my hackles rising, i snapped back with my name and address and said i would wait for my prescription. this muthafucka told me, "no. you will either pick it up later tonight or tomorrow." i was mad as hell by then and i said i wanted to speak to his supervisor. the supervisor came and talked to me like somebody with some sense and apologized for the rude behavior of one of the pharmacists, and about the long wait. that made me feel a little better. then i walked around the corner to the pickup window and stood there for like, 5 or 6 minutes. i know that bitch saw me standing there, and i was taking deep calming breaths to keep a lid on my temper. finally she says "have you been helped?" to which i replied testily, "um, nooooooooooo, that's why i'm standing HERE." she flippantly said, "ok and what's the name?" i gave her my name and address, and she found the meds. she rang me up and i THOUGHT i was gonna get my meds and go, but nooooooooooooooooo....she walked AWAY with my meds to go help somebody else! WITH MY MEDS IN HER HAND!

i had to wait 15 minutes before she FINALLY came back with my meds - both of them and rang me out. i was too thru. and the lines kept getting longer and longer, and the pharmacists were working at a snail's pace. if i had to have gone back to pick up my Klonopin, i'm willin to bet dollars to donuts those same people would STILL be there.

this is one of the many reasons that i dont like to be among people. i may forget who i am one day and bitch slap somebody with my cane.

Walgreen's pharmacy sucks!!!!

i'm "officially "pooped!!!

2006-01-06T11:07:00.000-08:00

well, as part of the Kwanzaa principle of "Kujichagulia" or "self-determination" to get things done, even though every cell in my body is screaming "whatdafuck are you doing? we aint used to this shit! go sit yo' old ass down!" instead, i woke up this morning and went over to the UPS pickup station which is a very short walking distance, stood patiently in line and picked up my package. i had went online to the UPS site and typed in my package's tracking number and that i would come to the pickup station rather than them doing another delivery attempt. now i am "officially" pooped LOL. plus the weather has been favorable, so that has helped a lot. if it had been a lot of snow and ice on the ground, i probably would have just said "fuck it" and not done anything.

i surprised myself at the energy levels that i have had all this week. ordinarily, i would just let things go and remain hermit-like, because i didnt want to be around a bunch of people, but when there are things that need to be done, well, i made myself do them. and having that planner that Sid gave me, is helping to keep me focused on what i need/have to do. i still have to get my State ID renewed, but in order to get the disabled ID card, i have to have a doctor's statement. so when i see my pdoc on the 24th, i will ask him to write out a statement confirming that i am disabled, and then i will go downtown to the Thompson Center and hope and pray that they will accept it and i can get a disabled State ID - which is free.

i still havent gotten my food stamps, and i've been calling my caseworker practically every day and i keep getting her voice mail. i've been buying groceries in small quantities so at least we can eat, and Dan you know when you're depressed, you either eat a lot or you have no appetite -- so eating has been my "comfort" right now. i have gained weight, but you know what...and i know i'm gonna get "flamed" for saying this, but guess what - i'd rather be plump and stable, than unstable and slim. that's my opinion and i'm stickin to it LOL.

i think i will wait until tomorrow to get my Klonopin script filled; however, once i get it filled in Walgreens' online system, when i need another refill, i can go online and do it. while i'm thinking about that, i better go and refill my blood pressure meds too. i have come to find that doing things online has been a godsend, because to me, it saves time and being that i have terrible arthritis in my hip and knees, i dont have to stand in line and i can pay all my bills without having to worry that somebody might come in the currency exchange to rob us blind. i know there are crooks on the Internet, but most of the sites that i do business with are secure.

anyways, i've babbled enough here. "Law & Order" is on TNT now, and i'm gonna go lie down to watch it. hope everyone has a good weekend.

peace blessings and love to all of you.

on the move again

2006-01-05T13:07:00.000-08:00

well, once again, i was on the move. i got up, got dressed (i took my bath last night), and headed out to pick up my new glasses, which i like way better than my old ones. i wanted my lenses tinted, so i wrote a check (stick with me Lord lol) for the $22 it cost to tint them and i waited while one of the opticians took care of that. after that, i left the eye clinic and went across the street to catch the bus. the temperature has been dropping and i saw some tiny grains of snow falling too.

i stopped at the Walgreens on 51st and Cottage Grove to get my new prescriptions filled. they filled one, the Zoloft, and told me the Klonopin was too soon to be refilled. didnt matter. long as i got the Zoloft i was happy. then i picked up 2 boxes of Zatatarain's Jambalaya Mix, a pack of hot beef polishes, which i'm gonna put in the jambalaya, a bottle of vegetable cooking oil, some garlic pepper seasoning, and 2 packs of Misty Menthol Lights 100s cigarettes. then i got on the bus and rode on home. and now i'm pooped. in a little while i'm going to make the jambalaya and call it a day. i have a package that i need to pick up from the UPS station just up the street, but i will wait until tomorrow to do that- i have no more energy to walk another step, less alone climb them stairs again. but i did accomplish the "action items" that was in my planner.

i still feel a bit down in the spirit, but i pushed myself to do these things today. i hate i have to go back to Walgreens to get my script for Klonopin filled but, c'est la vie. at least i have an ample supply of my other meds, so i'm good for a while.

from "up" to "down" - it never fails

2006-01-04T19:45:00.000-08:00

it never fails. just when i think i'm actually gonna see sunshine, the dark cloud of depression hovers over me like a buzzard flying over a dead animal's carcass.

next month my dad would have turned 80. a month later he was gone. now i know why i feel so down all of a sudden. March 1 will be a year that my father died. i'm trying not to cry as i write this...really trying hard...

i cant promise you all that i will post every day like i've been doing, but i will try. right now, my emotions are turbulent, and i'm just not feeling this blog right now.

everybody please take care. i love you all. James, i hope you dont mind me borrowing Vincent from you, but this picture definitely coincides with how i feel right now.

mentally and physically drained

2006-01-03T13:39:00.000-08:00

well, i made it out of the house today. i went and paid my rent, bought a new 30-day Reduced Fare bus pass, rolled over my loan, and made it to the aid office. i cornered my caseworker -- a very nice lady btw -- and told her that i hadnt received my MediPlan card or my food stamps for this month. she found my paperwork, and printed out a temporary MediPlan card and told me she was gonna put the info in about my food stamps.

then when i get home, lo and behold, my "official" MediPlan card was in the mail -- with my youngest's name still on it! yay! i just hope by Friday my foodstamps will be on my Link card, because i've been pinching off my check to keep some food in my house. but thank God, i didnt have to wait in the long line at the aid office. i recognized my caseworker by her voice and walked right up to her, as did some of her other clients. she had us go upstairs (the damn elevator was out of order - grrrr) and once we got up there, she had us sit in different areas in the office and patiently took care of us. so far *knock wood* i've had some really nice caseworkers, and usually i find my way to them and get done what needs to get done. i know the other folks downstairs were pissed at us, but oh well. i was determined to do this today and by God, i did it, and didnt have to get nasty with anyone.

after i left the office, i walked, albeit painfully, to this little grocery store and bought a assorted meat pack for $19.99 and some vegetables. that total came to $30 and some change, and completely exhausted, i hobbled out of the store for home. i called my youngest on my cell phone and had her meet me halfway, because them three bags were heavy, and my energy level had already bottomed out. she came, and carried the bags and when we reached our street her b/f was heading towards us and she gave him the bags. i was so grateful to see both of them i didnt know what to do, because i was whupped. i had been up since 9:30 this morning running around, and here it is now 3:20 pm and i'm drained. but dammit, i handled my business!

so i'm hoping that by Friday my foodstamps will be on my Link card (for those of you who arent from Illinois, it's a card that holds your food stamp and/or check allowance on one convenient card, sorta like a debit card) because my youngest is chomping at the bit to go grocery shopping.

since she has taken over that chore, i'm extremely grateful and proud of her. she shops the way i do, and even carries the calculator with her to keep a running tab on what she spends. her b/f comes over quite frequently and is also a huge help around here. both of them will wash dishes, cook, and he takes the trash out for me, and told me if i need the floor mopped, he would do it.
so yes, i have another "adopted" son LOL. but it's all good.

it almost brought tears to my eyes when he told me nearly teary-eyed himself how i felt more like his mother than his actual mama. actually he is a sweet young man, and i'm happy that my daughter is influencing him in positive ways. he's enrolled at Olive-Harvey college along with my daughter to get his G.E.D., and he's very, very protective of us (he's a Scorpio - those of that sign are extremely protective of those they love, but God help you if you cross them -- think of the scorpion and that lethal sting...you WILL get dealt with). i love him like he's my own and my daughter told me how he cried one night because he felt like he was part of a real family. he calls me "mama" and always kisses me on my cheek. this young man saved my life when i had a terrible depressive spell, where i was crying uncontrollably and thru my tears i had my entire bottle of ibuprofen in my hands to end it all. he talked me thru it and held me while i cried.
so yes, he saved my life and i am truly grateful he was here. i shudder to think about what would have happened had he not been here.

anyways, as i said, i am drained - mentally and physically. i'm gonna make myself a bite to eat and lie down awhile. at least i got things done.

stop the world i wanna get off

2006-01-02T17:35:00.000-08:00

it's 5:15 pm here in Chi-Town. right now, i feel like stir-fried shit, and i didnt even drink nary a drop on NYE. instead, i ate Chinese food, watched the ball drop on TV in Times Square, and then went to bed.

i did accomplish something today. i bought a mop for $2 and some change and came home and finally mopped my kitchen floor. i have to say the floor looks a gazillion times better than it has been.

now, i sit here at this computer, not really knowing what the hell to write, just a jumble of nonsense from my uber-medicated brain. i guess i just find it amazing how fast the holidays went by. to me it was like a blur; one minute it's Christmas the next New Year's Day. and then back to the regularly scheduled programming.

i feel like nothing's gonna change, that it's gonna be the same old shit just a different year. i want the world to stop so i can get off, because i feel like a hamster in a cage, just mindlessly going round and round and round.

i talk all this "positive" talk to other people, and try to build them up when deep down inside i feel like i'm falling into the dark hole again. i think what is making me feel this way is because March 1 will be a year ago my father died, and it makes me sad. i havent cried yet; the tears just wont come now, but i do expect them to come. i cant believe it'll be a year already come March 1, that i went down to South Carolina to my beloved father's funeral.

somebody please stop the world....i wanna get off....

"here comes that rainy day feelin' again..."

2006-01-02T11:25:00.000-08:00

*sigh*. well, the holiday season is over, we are in a new year, and the way i'm feeling is same shit different year.

right now it's raining outside, which only makes me want to stay in bed all day. but alas, i'm up. i'm going to have to go to the aid office (that is if they are open today) and find out why i havent gotten my Medicaid card and my food stamps, because i usually get them on the 1st. but since the first was a holiday, i gotta find out what the hell is going on. i have been calling my caseworker practically all morning only to get her voicemail. so i guess i gotta put on some clothes and hobble up to the office. i really dont like being out in the rain, but right now it sure as hell beats trudging thru snow and ice.

ah well. here comes that rainy day feelin' again....bleh.

Kwanzaa Principle #7- Imani (Faith) and Happy New Year!

2006-01-01T14:02:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! i hope all of my Blogger friends had a safe, pleasant, and wonderful New Year's Eve.

today is the last Principle of Kwanzaa - Imani (Faith). this principle has no religious affiliation; however, it embraces all beliefs. it also means having faith in ourselves, especially those of us who suffer from psychiatric illnesses, that we will keep on the road to recovery no matter how bumpy the journey may be.

Imani - Faith.

let's all hope for a better New Year and that 2006 will start off with peace, prosperity, good health and happiness.

Happy New Year!

birthday update

2005-12-31T14:28:00.000-08:00

well, once again, thanks to Sid and Princess, i went out last night and had a good time. thankfully the place wasnt crowded, and three nice ladies bought me some O'Doul's non-alcoholic beers ( i still got a little buzzed tho LOL). i dressed in black with my killer leopard boots, purse and belt, and if i must say myself, i think i looked damn good *smile*

my Capricorn guy friend came down and hung out with me, and i shared my beers and smokes with him. he was depressed because his g/f had found another man, and he had went over to her house to get the swerve on, and got his feelings hurt. oh well. shit happens. with all the carousing and shit he did on her i just say payback is a muthafucka.

i dont know if i have an invisible label on me that says, "all losers can dance with me" but this one guy, who reminded me of one of the "Sopranos" *shudders* insisted i dance with him. i did, and i had to keep stepping back because he was trying to push all up on me and i hate when men do that. then he came over to where i was sitting in the corner and still tried to kick game to me. i nodded like i was truly interested *insert yawn here* and finally eased away. it's for that kind of shit that makes me not want to go out -- it never fails -- it's always some horny old fart that wants to step to me.

anyways, the joint is having a New Year's Eve party -- but i aint going, because i know the old fart drunks will be on the prowl and i aint havin it. my oldest daughter is going to come over later and we are going to order Chinese takeout and watch some movies, since it's gotten so damn cold out. yep, the dinner downtown got scrapped because we both were just not up to being downtown where the cold winds blow across the lake. plus, a "Law & Order SVU/CI" marathon is on USA channel, and if i had been smart, i could have been taping them *duh*.
but it's all good. it continues on into the new year, so i'm cool with that.

so that's that. i wish everyone a peaceful, prosperous, healthy and happy New Year.

Kwanzaa Principle #6 - Kuumba (Creativity)

2005-12-31T14:11:00.000-08:00

since we are heading towards the end of the year, today's Kwanzaa Principle is Kuumba - Creativity.

being creative doesnt always neccesarily mean having artistic talent -- creativity comes in many other forms -- creativity in one's homelife, in one's thinking and also in just day-to-day living. and those of us who suffer mental illnesses have to find positive ways of expressing our creativity -- because we DO possess it -- in ways that will not be detrimental to us. the most popular ways of creativity is thru some form of the arts, be it artwork, sculpture, crafts, writing, singing, and so forth. in fact there are historical people who suffered from mental illness that were brilliant -- the tragic example of Vincent Van Gogh, the famed Edgar Allan Poe, the zany Jim Carrey, the no-nonsense Mike Wallace, and of course, John Nash.

in the New year, let's all combine our respective creative energies together in a positive way.

Kuumba - Creativity.

plans changed due to shitty weather - grrrrrrrr

2005-12-30T16:20:00.000-08:00

well due to the shitty weather we are currently having now, my daughter and i decided this would not be a good day to be downtown. it's sleeting like mad out and later on it's supposed to snow - between one and three inches - grrrrrrrrrrrr. but it's all good. we are going to go tomorrow (weather permitting - grrr). besides, my baby is being visited by "Aunt Flo" and i certainly understand that feeling when old "Flo" is dishing out her monthly misery.

however, she told me that she got me the boxed set of the first season of "Law and Order Criminal Intent" WOO HOO!!!! she knows i'm a die-hard "L&O" fan and she said she was gonna try to find the "L&O SVU" boxed set too. yay!!!!

so all is not lost. i'm still gonna go out with my godson tonight and if these old bones will allow me, shake my groove thang LOL.

thanks to all my Blogger friends for the birthday wishes. i appreciate each and every one of you!

this is scary...i love black nail polish!

2005-12-30T02:02:00.000-08:00

Your Nail Polish Color is Black

How you're unique: There's nothing about you that isn't unique!

Why your style rocks: You are a total indie chick... and you can pull it off!

What this color says about you: "I'm a trendsetter and don't care what anyone else is doing!"

http://www.blogthings.com

who u callin a pig???????

2005-12-30T01:27:00.000-08:00

ok i know it's my birthday and i'm gonna go out to eat but to insult me like this is just plain foul LOL

these "word verifications" get weirder every day......this must've been what one drunk said to the other and the guys from Blogger recorded it LOL

Happy Birthday to me -- and Kwanzaa Principle #5 - Nia (Purpose)

2005-12-30T00:17:00.000-08:00

well it's offical y'all. yep. i'm an old bag LOL. at 6:15 pm i will be "offically" 47 years old. my oldest daughter is going to take me out to this fancy Cantonese restaurant that she and her boyfriend frequent downtown off Michigan Avenue. i'm going to taste Peking Duck for the first time....i just hope i dont come away quacking LOL. she also has another surprise for me, so i guess i just have to wait and see *waaaaaaaaaa* ok whine moment over LOL --- damn, in 3 years i'll be 50. oh well. i thank the Creator that i made it this far--bad knees and all LOL

this is also the fifth day of Kwanzaa Nia - meaning "purpose"
for those of us who are recovering from mental illness, our purpose, in order to stay on the path of recovery, is to be med-compliant, make sure we maintain open communication with our therapists and p-docs, and if it gets to a point where we feel ourselves starting to relapse, we must seek IMMEDIATE emergency help....because the life you save may be YOUR OWN.

Nia - Purpose

i hope that i'm not boring anyone...

2005-12-29T16:52:00.000-08:00

with daily postings of the Seven Principles of Kwanzaa, i certainly hope that it is not boring, nor am i trying to "convert" anyone with Kwanzaa. it is simply a holiday that holds great meaning for me and i share it with everyone who is curious about it, regardless to your ethnic background, and i also encourage you to feel free to click on the link of "The Official Kwanzaa Website" for more detailed information, at your leisure. i do appreciate all who have left comments - thank you sooooo much!

it is my sincere wish that the New Year will hold prosperity, peace, peace of mind, positivity and happiness to those of us here in Blogland who are afflicted with psychiatric illnesses. it is my wish that one day we will be free from the shackles of these illnesses and be able to function as we did before we were diagnosed.

peace blessings and love to you all.

Kwanzaa Principle #4 - Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics)

2005-12-29T16:29:00.000-08:00

Today's Kwanzaa principle is Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics). This principle simply means that African-American people should strive to work together economically and show our support to those African-American businesses and corporations. This does NOT mean that we cannot support other businesses, but in the African-American communities we tend to shy away from Black-owned businesses and venues and unlike other people of color, who work together for the common good, unfortunately African-Americans are quick to criticize and not lend support to our brothers and sisters. Cooperative economics is like pooling our resources together and showing support for one another in a positive and progressive manner, and constantly uplift each other so that we as a people can be as successful as everyone else.

Ujamaa - Cooperative Economics.

Kwanzaa Principle #3 - Ujima (Collective Work & Responsibility)

2005-12-28T13:19:00.000-08:00

Today's principle Ujima (Collective Work and Responsibility) is Kwanzaa Principle #3.

This means that in order to work together in unity in our communities, we must take responsibility for our actions - be it with family, friends, or within our communities. Taking responsibility to ensure that our children get their education, that we protect them from harm, and also look after our senior citizens and our elders.

Ujima - Collective Work & Responsibility

Kwanzaa Principle #2 - Kugichagulia (Self-Determination)

2005-12-27T11:03:00.000-08:00

Habari Gani (what's the news)? well, on this second day of Kwanzaa the news is

Kugichagulia (pronounced "koo-gee-cha-goo-lea) which in Swahili, means "self-determination".

Self-determination means that in order to be a productive member of one's community, one should be motivated to succeed, regardless of whatever circumstances there are that could hinder progress. as in the case of those of us who suffer from various psychiatric illnesses, we must be determined to not let those illnesses rule our livelihoods.

Kugichagulia (self-determination).

why am i not surprised LOL

2005-12-26T15:03:00.000-08:00

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

You are

http://www.blogthings.com

Kwanzaa - December 26 - January 1

2005-12-26T10:30:00.000-08:00

Kwanzaa is an African-American holiday founded by Maulena Karenga in 1966. Kwanzaa is a celebration of family, community and culture. It is also a time of reaffirming African-American people as a whole.

Kwanzaa is NOT a religious holiday nor is it a substitute for Christmas.

Kwanzaa has Seven Symbols and Seven Principles as listed below:
THE SEVEN SYMBOLS:

1) Makao (crops)

2) Mkeka (mat)

3) Kinara (candle holder)

4) Vibunzi (ears of corn)

5) Zawadi (gifts)

6) Kikombe cha Umoja (the Unity cup)

7) Mishumaa Saba (the 7 candles)

The terminology used in the celebration of Kwanzaa are as follows:

*Kwanza - means "first fruits"

* Kwanzaa (with 2 a's) an African-American celebration

* Habari Gani (what's the news?)

*Harambee - let's pull together (during the celebration 7 "Harambees" are uttered)

*Karamu - the feast or culmination of activities

There are also Seven Principles that are associated with Kwanzaa, and with each day's Principle it is prefaced by the phrase "Habari Gani (what's the news?) and the response is that day's Principle. So since today is the first day of Kwanzaa, the first Principle is :

UMOJA - Unity. Unity of all people of color, unity within our communities, unity with all the people of the world. Where there is UNITY, there is STRENGTH.

For more detailed information, click on www.officialkwanzaawebsite.com or the link posted in the sidebar of my blog.

Happy Holidays to all my Blogger friends

2005-12-25T19:00:00.000-08:00

it is my sincere wish that all of my friends i have had the pleasure of getting to know thru Blogland are having a wonderful holiday today. may all of you be blessed with inner peace and courage and determination to overcome these illnesses that we constantly struggle with daily.

Hugs to all of you!

a hard , errrum, "phone" to swallow....????

2005-12-24T17:00:00.000-08:00

Woman Swallows Cell Phone After Argument
By Associated Press
Fri. Dece 23, 5:04 PM

BLUE SPRINGS, Mo. - It was a conversation stopper. A lovers' dispute over a cell phone took a serious turn early Friday morning when the woman ended the spat by swallowing the phone whole.

Police said they received a call at 4:52 a.m. from a man who said his girlfriend was having trouble breathing. When they arrived at the house they found the 24-year-old woman had a cell phone lodged in her throat.

"He wanted the phone and she wouldn't give it to him, so she attempted to swallow it," Detective Sgt. Steve Decker of the Blue Springs Police Department. "She just put the entire phone in her mouth so he couldn't get it."

Police said an ambulance transported the woman to St. Mary's Medical Center in Blue Springs.

A hospital spokeswoman said she couldn't give details about the woman's health since police have not released her identity.

Decker said police had closed investigations on the swallowing, the first such incident of its kind here.

"This is the first I've heard of this happening," said Decker. "I don't know what kind of phone it was. I don't know if it was on ring or vibrate, either."

yanno, i've heard of "swallowing one's pride" and life being a "hard pill to swallow" but, err, dontcha think this lady took things a tad too far? i guess we should be glad it wasnt one of those old-school "brick" phones.....my question is, will she be billed for uh, "roaming" charges? is um, a "swallowing" clause included in the phone's warranty?

the cop said it was the "first" of such incident of its kind there....damn, are there other places that we dont know of where people have swallowed their cell phones? and if the phone went all the way down, did it ring or vibrate alerting the swallower it was time to take a shit?

i'm sure it would be most embarassing if the swallowed phone had a "voice" tone that came out of the swallower's ass with a Tourette's style command like "ANSWER THE PHONE ASSHOLE!"

this gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "talkin' outta your ass" dontcha think?

i made it thru last night..thanks to Sid smile

2005-12-24T12:43:00.000-08:00

as previously mentioned, last night was my best buddy's birthday party. in the beginning i was quite reluctant to go, because i have been used to being a hermit and not wanting to interact with the outside world.

thanks to Sid, who talked me thru it last night, i did go and had a great time. it was good to be out and in a festive place and just kick it and have some fun. i did some dancing, a lot of laughing and i gotta say i kinda felt like my old self again. the birthday boy seemed like he too was having fun, and there was plenty of food as well as his birthday cake. so Sid, thank you for giving me that extra push to go out and have some fun.

well, next Friday is my birthday. my oldest daughter says she has a surprise for me (darn, i couldnt get her to tell me what it was LOL).

am i gonna go out and have fun on my birthday? damn sure is...and the next night for the New Year's Eve party too!

to everyone i have come to know thru Blogland, i wish a very Merry Christmas (to the traditionalists *smile*), Happy Holidays (to the non-traditionalists *smile*), for my friends of the Hebrew faith, Happy Hannukah (or Chanukkah), and to my African-American sisters and brothers, Happy Kwanzaa (btw i will be posting the "The Seven Principles of Kwanzaa" for each day starting December 26 on thru to January 1); however, if you would like to learn more about Kwanzaa, at your leisure, i have posted "The Official Kwanzaa Website" link, and you can click on it and find out more information.

most of all it is my deepest wish that we all have a peaceful, positive, prosperous and blessed New Year.

happy birthday to my Capricorn brotha

2005-12-23T11:18:00.000-08:00

today is my Capricorn homey Al's b-day. he's 45 today. he has issues about getting older. lemme 'splain.....

<-----this is the birthday boy. now y'all see why i was sprung on his ass for nearly ten years? look at them big brown bedroom eyes...

you see, he was a well-known radio jock on one of the popular hip-hop/r&b stations and he did this overnite show called "Whispers In The Dark." he has the perfect baritone voice for it, very deep and very sexy. women would call in all the time just to hear his voice (hell that's what hooked me, but that's for another story), while he played all the "slow jams". he also is a big ole freak, and would have chicks coming (literally) down to the station and he'd bone 'em right there in the studio. yet looking at him, you wouldnt think he was a wild man...but yep. he would get buckdafuck wild. TRUST ME. I KNOW. i remember we had a birthday party together at this spot 'round my way. we decided to do a "theme" and what we decided on was "Bonnie & Clyde"-- he dressed in a sharp black and white pin-striped suit with the brim and all, and i wore a rather tight black and white pinstriped double breasted dress, black lace bra and garterbelt and "fuck me" heels. well, for this party the folks who helped organize it got strippers for both of us...a girl for him and a guy for me (i was kinda salty they didnt get BOTH for me, but it's all good). nnnnnnnnn-eways, we both got a bit grunk (ok fine, drunk, a'ight?) and you know when you start drinking, inhibitions are tossed to the wind.

ok. when the female stripper came out (damn she was sexy as hell, errr, oh sorry), well ole boy was already fired up, and she started dancing on his lap at first, then she whipped out her boobs
and he started suckin' on 'em. yes. you read that right. HE.SUCKED.HER TITS. then she got down on the floor and started wigglin' her ass and such (whew, is it hot in here?), and then the next thing i knew, my boy had dropped to the floor and was eatin' her pussy. IN. FRONT. OF. EVERYBODY. i shit you not. i mean, that mofo was tearin' up that girls cooch! i got jealous cuz i wanted a shot at it too, but alas, it was not meant to be, dammit. oh well.

alrighty then. my stripper came out, and LAWD! that man was PHY-YI-YINNNNE and hung like a horse. he started bumpin' and grindin' on my lap, which got my juices flowin' and since i was about ready to hump whatever, when he came up on me, i whipped my 44DDs outta my bra and started rubbin 'em over his smooth bald head. yeah. i did it. the men in the crowd went wild and was sayin shit like, "hey, can i be next?" i was close to tellin my stripper to whip his dick out and i woulda titty-fucked him right there, but i didnt. so yeah. both of us got buck-fuckin-wild that night. he still teases me about whippin out mah "girls" on that sexy baldheaded man's head LOL.

ok. back to the story....well, The Powers That Be at the station fired him, because he wouldnt take another time slot, when actually, me thinks he got cold-busted in mid-stroke with one of the hoochies by another jock, who just happened to be female. nnnnnnnnnnnn-eway, homey got quite upset about it, and bitched about it on his last show. in a sense, he's kinda like a Black Howard Stern...whatever comes out, hey it is what it is.

well, ole boy had an interview down in the A-T-L for a spot on their hip-hop/r&b station, and was all psyched about it. okay then. ole boy went to Atlanta for the interview, and was told, "we'll call you." that right there was a sure sign he wasnt gonna get the gig. and, he didnt. homey dropped into a deep depression and had to take Zoloft to keep himself from totally going off the deep end. he took it for a while, but when he realized that Zoloft tends to zap the sex drive, he quit taking it. after all, he was quite the ladies' man *cough* and sex to him, was more important than breathing.

alrighty then. a couple of years passed, and he wound up doing a dusties (our Chi-town term for "oldies") show on a city college radio station. he wasnt getting paid for that, but i spose the faculty head thought he could give him a shot at being a teacher, in Radio Communications, of course.

now. i have known this cat since 1993. i even slipped, tripped and fell in love with him. we had mind-blowing sex, and yes, he is both blessed down below, and gifted with his tongue. i carried a torch for this cat from '93 to 2003, when i finally decided to accept that he wasnt feelin me the way i was feelin him. he has/had a girlfriend, but those two are like oil and water....they just dont mix well nor do they play well with each other.

now that he's entered middle age, he is not taking it well at all. like a spoiled brat, he wants his "glory days" back where he was a freak-of-the-week-sex-machine. ole boy has to take Viagra, which REALLY fucked up his understanding, hypertension meds and uh....nah, i wont go there. WAY too much information.

he works at Radio Shack now, and oh good gawd, you'd think somebody hauled off and bitch-slapped him -- god knows i was tempted -- he is HIGHLY pissed off to high pissivity about having to work there. when i saw him last, of course he was bitching about it, and i merely told him to just shut up, be glad you got a job at least and quitchabitchin'. *sigh*

then i mentioned that i liked the way he had his hair cut, and that the salt & pepper sprinkled thru his hair made him look "distinguished" oh gawd. what did i say that for? like a two-year old throwing a tantrum, he bellowed "DISTINGUISHED? I DONT WANNA LOOK DISTINGUISHED! I LOOK LIKE AN OLD MAN!" and wah wah wah wah. i said to him, uh, you want some cheese with that WHINE? dude....get over it. age happens. hushdefuck up. you dont hear me bitching about gettin older, and i got two years on you - muthafucka, i'll be 47 my next birthday, a'ight? so shut up and thank god you still can get up and move every day.

well, he still fussed and whined, and i just threw my hands up and said, "whatever"

so homey, it's your 45th year on this planet, and since y'all teased me about bein "an old, beat-up, warped, faded label 45" on my 45th b-day, well playa, it's your turn LOL

Happy birthday, dawg... i'll see you at your party tonite.

dark days

2005-12-22T18:54:00.000-08:00

i was sitting here (as is my usual habit) at this computer and thinking back to the dark days when i was psychotic to the point my pdoc was gonna put me in the hospital. i also remember dark days when i had no money coming in and no food, save for 2 cans of cat food. i remember my youngest and i were so hungry that we wound up eating the cat food. my daughter didnt know it was cat food and i just couldnt bring myself to tell her, but we ate it (it was chicken chunks in gravy, and i dressed it up as best as i could with my own seasonings) and then the next day, of all people, Ms Homophobe helped me out with food from her own cupboard, which, despite our differences, was a blessing to me, and i cannot ever forget that. then she told me about food pantries in my neighborhood, and swallowing my shattered pride, i went to one of the churches in the neighborhood and they gave me a big bag of groceries -- with meat too, and i nearly cried with joy because at least we were gonna eat good that night. this was when my food stamps had been cut down to $10.00, and i was desperate.

i am thankful that some of those dark days are behind me. i'm not completely out of the woods, but i'm taking one step at a time and trying not to get overstressed in the process. i am learning that life will throw some curve balls at you, but you gotta be determined to not get knocked down and stay down, otherwise you'll get used to it and never escape from it.

i thank all of you who have posted comments or just stopped by this blog. your presence is very comforting during times like these, and i appreciate each and every one of you. if i missed someone, please forgive me, it was not intentional. just wanted to tell all of you -- THANK YOU.

i got this from Princess who got it from GIgglez..so i guess i'm "it" LOL

2005-12-22T13:46:00.000-08:00

1. Given a homeless man/woman more than $5? yeah once. then the bitch i gave it to pulled her same act on someone else.

2. Spent more than $500 on a bf/gf's gift or a night out? no! whodafuck am i, Donald Trump?

3. Had sex with more than one person in a day? *wicked grin* i'm not telling!

4. Hooked up with a good friends bf/gf behind their back? no

5. Dated two people at once? i'm bi what do you think LOL

6. Actually met someone from Blogger that you didn't know before? no.

7. Have you ever been raped?...No

8. Failed more than one class? ...No.

9. Took someone's virginity when you weren't a virgin? errr, no cant say that i have....

10. Hooked up with someone from a different race? nope.

11. Ran around naked outside in the daytime/night time? ha ha you got jokes. HELL NO!

12. Scuba dived? HELL NO.

13. Snorkled? double HELL NO.

14. Dated someone you didn't want your friends to meet? nope

15. Got your stomach pumped from alcohol poisoning? nope thank god

16. Threw up from alcohol? yep. NEVER AGAIN.

17. Been suspended from school? dont recall if i did....

18. Kissed someone of the same sex? yes. Often. *wink*

19. Wore a short skirt with out panties?no but i've worn long skirts w/o draws *wink*

20. Let a guy paint your toenails? HELL NO.

21. Met someone famous? yeah once. i met Ray Parker Jr. in person at this beauty shop/live radio broadcast. he autographed one of my 45s *grins*

22. Saved someone's life? i tried....

23. Seen someone die? yes. i was a CNA for 11 years, and i saw way too many patients die -- that's why i'm on medication now.

24. Killed someone? no but i was damn close to it!

25. Been in a physical fight? yeah with my last ex-husband.

26. Hooked up with someone 10yrs older or younger than you? yeah. younger. BIG MISTAKE.

27. Been arrested? no

28. Spent the night in jail? no

29. Been in more than three car accidents in a year? no. once was enough, and it was a bus accident.

30. Had sex outside? no but it sounds like fun!

31. Given or gotten road head? yep

32. Had sex in your house when your parents were home? nope

33. Had phone sex? yes. with both men and women *wink*

34. Been turned off by someone's personal hygiene "down there"? oh gawd YES! from BOTH sexes! eeewwwww!

35. Watched the donkey show? WTF?

36. Had sex without a condom? no. i'm more into girls *wink*

37. Had a one night stand? yes....with both sexes (greedy lil broad aint i *wink*)

38. Triple Kissed? yes

39. Had sex on the beach? nope

40. Watched porn with someone else? yep

41. Been fired from a job? laid off but not fired.

42. Danced on top of a bar? errr, lemme get back to ya on that one LOL

43. Had sex somewhere in your high school? no, but did a lot of kissing *wink*

44. Bought a vibrator? LOL i have a couple and a....oh never mind......

45. Been in a porn shop? yep. LOVED it!

46. Been in a dance competition?no, but i used to shake my groove thang a lot back in the day!

47. Had a threesome? yep. many times until the guys began acting shitty towards me...um, it aint my fault you HAVE NO CLUE as to what a woman likes!

48. Spent more than one night in a hospital? yep

49. ODed on a drug? no but came close....

50. Set a burning bag of poo on someone's front door step? no, but that's an idea.....

miracles do happen

2005-12-21T12:10:00.000-08:00

i got a wonderful surprise when i went to check my mailbox. i got a Christmas card from my sister in Pennsylvania and when i opened the card she had added a check for $25! now i know to some of y'all may say $25 aint much, but to me, it's like $2500 dollars for somebody as broke as i am right now. i'm gonna deposit this check into my $-14.00 overdrawn new checking account and hope that it will clear away that overdraft, and bring me into a positive balance of about $11.00.

i would have never expected that from my sister, and i am going to call her and thank her for her generosity.

i know some of y'all arent believers in God, but i know y'all know that miracles can happen when we least expect them, and to me, this was a wonderful miracle.

"on the last day of Christmas my true love gave to me....a lame ass Chia Pet and a Clapper for the TV...."

2005-12-21T10:47:00.000-08:00

i have noticed a pattern here...when it's last-minute gift shopping all of a sudden the "Chia Pets" and "Clappers" start taking over the airwaves on television.

when the very first "Chia Pet" was introduced, it was cool. now? man! they got these lame ass Chia thingys with Chia Tweety (um, birds have FEATHERS, dummy!), Chia Guy (oh yeah there's a winner right there...to me he looks like an old funk musician with a green Jeri-Curl), Chia Sylvester (?), Chia Bugs Bunny (why..why...make 'em stop mommy, please make 'em stop waaaaaaaaa), i think, a Chia "Elmer Fudd" (be vewwy vewwy qwiet) and now we have Chia "Garfield" ad nauseam. just for shits 'n' giggles, how about making a "Chia Fruitcake"....i'm sure if one were to spread the Chia seeds on those indestructable bricks of crap (my apologies to those who actually LIKE fruitcake) , i honestly believe something would actually grow from it *shudders at the thought*

what i think would make this lame thing more interesting is if they added "chronic" seeds (stop playin' y'all know what i mean when i say "chronic") and spreaded that on one of those awful looking things...and i'm sure somebody out there is thinking the exact thing i just said *evil laugh bwahahahahahaha*

now we move on to the "Clapper" *sigh* it seems like it would be a handy gizmo when you dont feel like finding your remote to turn off the TV, or using it to come into a dark house. but what if you get a Clapper that doesnt, um "clap on" once you unlock your darkened home....or if you do happen to get one that ACTUALLY works, you decide to turn the TV off by "clapping off" and when you do, the TV blows out, and all your "clappable" appliances blow out too?

and why do they keep using the same old lady (i swear it's Barbara Bush *shhhhh*) in these commercials?

what if a person who has no hands, but instead they have "bionic"hands, and they receive one of these as a gift...will all the circuitry blow their prostheses off -- or worse, their "bionic" hands start "clapping" out of control?

i have a warped sense of humor, but i'm actually curious about these things.....what about y'all?

pdoc visit went well today

2005-12-20T14:07:00.000-08:00

i had an appointment with my pdoc this morning, so i bundled up real good and made it to the clinic in ample enough time. man, it is COLD outside! but then Chicago winters aint nuttin' nice anyways, especially while we are in the midst of the "deep freeze". last night it was 6 degrees.

my pdoc gave me samples of Seroquel, but when i see him next year, he's gonna change my antipsychotic, due to the fact fuckin' Medicaid wont be paying for it anymore because it aint "medically necessary." the nice lady who's one of the secretaries also gave me a new pillbox which i badly needed, so now i can sort my meds properly and all in one box. he also gave me a new script for Klonopin and Zoloft 100mg, so i'm good to go med wise.

when i think about those of us who cant get good psych care, i feel truly blessed to be able to go to a hospital outpatient psych clinic and that i have two very good doctors who are compassionate and caring. my pdoc, Dr. Munoz, is very good. he has been a blessing to me when i dont have the $3 co-pay for Zoloft and Seroquel, and he gives me adequate samples to hold me over until i see him again.

for those of y'all who see your pdocs on the regular, and are in a tight spot when it comes to your meds, if at all possible, ask your docs to give you samples. most of the pdocs in my clinic give their patients samples, because they know how hard it can be when you dont have money for a co-pay on a med that you take frequently. however, if your pdoc wont give you samples, i'm gonna post again the websites you can visit that manufacture most of the frequent meds we take and offer programs for patients who otherwise cannot afford their meds, or who have no type of insurance to pay for them:

http://www.zoloft.com

http://www.seroquel.com

http://www.cymbalta.com

http://www.zyprexa.com

http://www.risperdal.com

http://www.lamictal.com

http://www.geodon.com

http://www.wellbutrin.com

http://www.paxil.com

http://www.astrazeneca.com

http://glaxosmithkline.com

http://www.lifeiswaiting.com

http://www.prozac.com

during these uncertain times where health care, especially good mental health care is becoming more and more difficult to maintain, and literally going back to the old days, where a lot more patients are being hospitalized involuntarily or discharged without continuity of care, it's good to know that the drug manufacturers offer programs like these for us. i hope by my posting these sites will help someone out there who is having difficulty getting their much-needed meds.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR RUDENESS!

2005-12-19T13:07:00.000-08:00

recently i made some calls to my credit card company because i had some questions about my account. the representative on the phone had a very thick Middle Eastern accent, and before i go on, let me make this disclaimer: I AM NOT PREJUDICED AGAINST ANYONE WHO IS NOT FROM THIS COUNTRY.

now then. as i said, this representative's phone manners were just plain RUDE. when i tried to ask a question, this person cut me off and spoke to me like i just got off the short yellow bus; very condescending, and seemed to get hightly insulted that i asked them to kindly repeat what they said because i couldnt understand them.

i just wrote a blistering e-mail to the card company telling them about this offensive behavior and i am seriously considering CANCELLING my account with them just on that purpose.

i dont give a damn if your ethnicity is Caucasian, African-American, Hispanic, Middle Eastern, space alien or whatever. RUDE is RUDE regardless of ethnicity. if one has a job that deals with the public, via telephone or in person, that person should be THOROUGHLY trained in professional telephone/public decorum; if they have a thick accent, then they should be taught to speak CLEAR and CONCISE English so that they can be CLEARLY UNDERSTOOD, because that is how these businesses lose customers just on that notion.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR RUDENESS. PERIOD.

this is very true

2005-12-18T13:11:00.000-08:00

You Have A Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.
You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.
You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.

Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.
You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.
Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.

At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.
You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.
You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperament Are You?

http://www.blogthings.com

"it seems to hang on"

2005-12-17T12:29:00.000-08:00

if y'all look at the sidebar on the right side at the bottom of my blog where my Bi Pride flag is, there is an avatar i created on my Yahoo page. it's about as close to what i look like. i'm short and plump and i do i wear glasses, but the frames aren't dark-rimmed; however, the face, skintone and hair and eyes are pretty much on point. i guess that particular avatar is supposed to be "full figured" LOL.

on a more serious tone, friday after next i will turn 47 years old. it's been said that "life begins at 40" and the 40s are supposedly the "prime" of a woman's life. well, whoever said that should be me for a day and they'd find out that it aint what it's cracked up (pardon the pun) to be.

when i first turned the big 4-0, i was a pretty outgoing woman. i had energy, i had stamina, and there wasnt a Saturday night that would find me at home. instead, i'd be out, looking as good as i could possibly look, and shakin' my groove thang up in da club. i was able to have my favorite drink, Malibu rum and pineapple juice, and once i got the buzz, it was on like a pot of neck bones. i would literally be a dancin' fool and could hang all night until the place started puttin' folks out. i would also go and perform spoken word poetry at my favorite poetry cafe' on the regular, and pretty much stayed on the move.

so what the hell happened? for those of y'all who are old enough to remember the show "Lost in Space" with The Robot and Dr. Smith, well, whenever the Robot pissed off Dr. Smith, he'd yank off the Robot's power pack. well, that's how i feel. like somebody yanked off my power pack and tossed it into Lake Michigan. i look at myself in the mirror, and what looks back at me is a puffy-faced, nicotine-stained lipped, redheaded sheep's ass haired, dark circle eyed shell of who i once was. and i hate it.

most people would say "well, you need to get out of the house". yeah. right. news flash: i dont have the MOTIVATION less alone the desire to get out of the house unless it's absolutely necessary -- meaning when my monthly check hits the bank, i have to go out and get a money order for my rent (luckily i changed banks and i can get money orders for free at this bank), buy a 30-day reduced fare bus pass, and if i need some personal items, or have to pick up my med refills, then it's a ride up to Walgreens, where if i have some money left, i 'll buy a pack of generic cigarettes (Misty Menthol Lights are as good as Virgina Slims Menthol Lights, but a dollar or so cheaper), or if i have a T and/or pdoc appointment. that's IT. sometimes i dont even have the motivation to go downstairs and check the mailbox. i'll sit here in front of this computer, smoke, and surf blogs or the Internet itself, until it's time for my bedtime meds. i will take them, shut down my computer and flop onto my mattress on the floor and watch TV until my eyes start glazing over. get up the next day and do it all over again.

prime of my life? HELL.NO. if anything i feel like a prime washout. these lyrics from this Ashfore & Simpson song fits the mood i'm in....

"It Seems To Hang On"

is it daylight
i cant tell no more
never had this condition
before....
everywhere i turn
it seems to hang on
everyting i do
it seems to hang on
was i mistaken
about you

lemme give
you some ideas
it aint just the tears
the fact of it is

(chorus)
i cant go nowhere
i cant be the same
i dont know my name
i cant understand
just why....
it seems to hang on

wasnt i clever
as only i could be
then tell me
what's happening?
what's bothering me?
aside from dreams
i have
nothing else exists

(repeat chorus)

like a snowball
rollin down a hill
i look behind me
it's there still
oh like a shadow
it follows...me

(repeat chorus)

loose me!
loose me!
loose me, please!

(repeat chorus)

i cant shake it
i cant shake it
like a snowball
rollin down a hill
i look behind me
it's there still...

(bridge)
loose me!
loose me!
loose me! please!
please! please!

i cant go nowhere
i cant be the same
i dont know my name
i cant understand why...
it seems to hang on....

was it love
wont let go
what's happening?
it takes me round
and round and round

it seems to hang on...
wont leave me alone.....(repeat chorus and fade)

from album "Is It Still Good To Ya" (c) Capitol Records, 1979.

the letter to Ms. Homophobe

2005-12-16T12:37:00.000-08:00

this is the letter i wrote to Ms. Homophobe. a part of me feels i should send it, and yet another part of me feels i shouldnt. anyways, here goes:

12/12/05
11:06 pm

Dear________

i received your lovely card today. thank you very much, it is much appreciated.

i have some things that i need to get off my chest, because it has been bothering me ever since that final conversation we had.

before i go into what i have to say, let me just say that i appreciate everything you did for me. i consider you a blessing from the Creator and i hope and pray that you be successful in whatever you choose to do in your life.

now. the things i want to get off my chest, i say not in anger, but then again, there may be some anger mixed in with hurt, and i am being brutally honest as i can be here.

first off i respect your decision to not having nothing to do with me because of my sexual preferences, because you feel that it is wrong and it conflicts with your spirituality, and you don't want to be "influenced" by it. okay. question--how would it influence you? after the incident that transpired between us, i have let it go and mentally filed it under "mistakes that should NEVER have happened in the first place." i'm DONE with it, ok? DONE. as far as i'm concerned it never happened. so what, you felt like remaining friends with me, that i would step to you like that again? NO MA'AM. i respect your position and would NEVER overstep my bounds like that towards you EVER AGAIN.

yet, you still have issue with that. why? were you perhaps afraid that you might would have started liking it, which threw you back into even more paranoia and homophobia? sorry, but i'm callin' it like i see it.

another thing: does it not say in the bible "judge not, lest ye be judged"? you say you felt "stigmatized" when ______ learned that you were bipolar and he went totally apeshit about it. well, how do you think I feel? it's enough to be judged about my sexual preferences, not to mention being judged of having a mental illness too, so i bear a DOUBLE stigma, ok?

understand this: you CANT "catch" homosexuality/bisexuality like you catch a cold or the flu. it's about CHOICE. the same CHOICE that str8 people make when seeking a mate or significant other. because i CHOOSE to be with someone of the same gender, is just that -- CHOICE, and that to me should not be the deciding factor in friendship. if that's the case, then once you told me you had borderline personality, i could have just cut it off just like that. but i didnt. i accepted you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, even went so far as to go online and learn more about it, rather than make a blanket decision that "i can't be friends with her." no. i educated myself so that i wouldnt be another _____who had no clue about it.

another thing, when ____went off on you about your bipolar illness, you CHOSE not to put him in check, and as a result, he had ammunition to attack your character and your self-worth as a woman. you fell for him for the wrong reasons, but the truth of the matter is that you were lonely, and wanted and needed to be loved. sistagirl, you can blame it on "the devil", "mania" or "borderline" but when it gets down to the real nitty gritty, let's call a spade a spade--you made those choices, ok? and, like most of us sistas, who want love and acceptance, sometimes we make poor CHOICES when trying to make a connection with a man.

truth be told, if a nice-looking brother were to step to you, i dont think you 'd turn him down, and if there is chemistry between y'all, y'all would get the "swerve" on. you are HUMAN, V, okay? yet you still trippin about what we did, and somehow i feel like i'm under attack for that. please sistagirl, LET IT GO, ok? IT WAS A MISTAKE THAT NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED. PERIOD.

you were hurt that ____couldnt accept you with your illness and even more hurt when he went ballistic on your female pride. well, how do you think i feel? you ended our friendship because you dont want to be "influenced" by MY sexual choice? how the hell could i "influence" you? did i ever ask you to go with me to a gay club/event? NO!!!! hell, I DONT EVEN GO TO THOSE PLACES because again, i CHOOSE not to, ok? so please tell me how my bisexuality would allegedly "influence" you, or, is that just a smokescreen that you've put up because maybe there's a teeny tiny part of you that is still curious about it, but you want to go and hide behind your church to keep those feelings from resurfacing?

one other thing--how would your pastor know if there were any gay/bi/lesbian members in
y'alls church?what, does he go around asking any of the members if they are gay, bi, or lesbian? and do you honestly think they would tell him? hell no, because more than likely they'd probably be kicked out just because of that. unless those members were wearing something, like, say jewelry with the Rainbow colors to show who they were, your pastor dont know who is what up in there. so how can HE tell you who to befriend and who not to befriend? this makes me think of a passage in the bible that speaks of a woman who was a prostitute, and she was being pelted with stones, ostracized and condemned until Jesus said to them "let ye who is without sin cast the first stone," and they couldnt do it.

in my conclusion, let me say this: the God that i love shines His Light on EVERYBODY--the rich, the poor, the saint and the sinner, the just as well as the unjust. the God i love has UNCONDITIONAL love for ALL His Children and as far as i know, He doesnt discriminate. yes His punishment is swift and sure, but at the same time He is Oft-Forgiving and most Merciful. i aint gotta be a member of nobody's church or Mosque to show Him that i love Him, for He looks at our intentions and our hearts. He aint interested in what Sister So-and-So wore to church/mosque that Sunday, or who is putting the most $$$$ in the collection plate or who looks better than this person or that person; unfortunately it is MANKIND who is guilty of trying to be God. since you read your bible, you should read Exodus 20, v.4&5 that says something to the effect that "no man should be put before Me, for i am a jealous God."

if MANKIND would only stop trying to play God and having people looking at him instead of to the Creator, maybe this world will finally become a much more peaceful place. MANKIND needs to sit his ass down somewhere and get out of His Way and let Him handle things.

anyway, i've said what i've had to say. if what i have said here sounded like an attack towards you, please be assured IT IS NOT, nor was it ever intended to be, and again, i apologize if the tone of this letter came across as angry, well to a degree i was. so if you choose to block my number from your phone, so be it, because i am going to do the same likewise.

may God bless you on your "spiritual journey" to enlightenment and understanding. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

peace be unto you
genelle

so there it is. should i go on and send it, or should i let it go? all feedback would be appreciated.

Vegas Marie, i hope you dont mind me borrowing this...i wanna add my two cents to this!

2005-12-15T20:56:00.000-08:00

George Dubya/Republicans: the new recipients of "THE INCREDIBLY STUPID AND DUMB BEYOND BELIEF AWARD". Nuff said.

Closed-minded people: maybe, just maybe if you unlock your minds the circulation will improve and you'll think better. Really really.

Bill Collectors: if i dont have the money when you called once, what the fuck makes you think i'm gonna have it if you call back tonight, tomorrow or the days following? sorry, i dont have connections to Oprah or Donald Trump, so fuck off.

Employers who lay off employees
during the holidays: errum, have you people figured out WHY a lot of people do overtime during the holiday season? and also why said employees come back to the workplace armed with AK-47s and Uzis?

People who talk on their cell phones
while driving: yo, you with the cell phone. yeah, you. PUT THE MUTHAFUCKA DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD, ASSHOLE. i'm not gonna have my family crying over my dead body because YOU wanna look important while yappin on your phone. and in some states, it's against the law, meaning, you will not pass GO, but GO STRAIGHT TO JAIL!

Arrogance: having delusions of grandeur are we? NEWS FLASH: there are other far more IMPORTANT PEOPLE in the world besides YOU. so in the words of the late, great Richard Pryor "have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up, muthafucka."

Bible-thumpers: hmm. what would Jesus do? probably tell you to shut the fuck up because you've got his life-story twisted, so who died and left you God?

People who cannot think for themselves: um, has anyone seen the "short yellow bus" because i think it forgot these people - the "intellectually challenged."

Organized religion: yo, if you wanna start a church, cult or whatever the fuck, i have no problem with you. it's when you wanna start SHOVING IT DOWN MY FUCKING THROAT that may make me want to stick forks in your eyes.

Nosy muthatfuckas: yanno, instead of making me feel like i'm being stalked, how about this: GET A LIFE MUTHAFUCKA.

Phoniness: hey. girlfriend... yeah, you with the long blond weave and blue contact lenses. unless you are going thru chemo and have had eye surgery, you need to lose the phony ponies (and i use that term literally--ask Mr. Ed) and them blue /green/hazel/whatever the fuck color/ lenses. be happy with what God gave ya...besides i dont think your man wants to run his fingers thru THE FUCKING TRACKS in your head much less feel like he's with one of the "Children of the Corn" *shudders*

the "status quo": yanno, i've come to find that daring to be different makes me a much more interesting person. oh, i'm sorry....that's too much for your brain to handle? okay. we need the short yellow bus over here too.

Homophobes: a very dangerous species, this homophobus ignoramus. if you are in the vicinity of one of these creatures, i suggest you immediately leave the surroundings because this species can be very dangerous to those of us who are of the Rainbow Tribe. these people are known to be volatile and sometimes violent and should not be approached. they tend to use derogatory phrases like dyke and faggot, and have been known to kill those poor uninformed members of the Rainbow Tribe. if you spot one of these in your area, DO NOT approach them, for they are unpredictable and can attack without warning. if you are cornered by the homophobus ignoramus, and carry mace or a Taser, retailate in kind and get the hell out of there IMMEDIATELY before this creature gets its bearings.

this has been a public service announcement. thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

the freedom to CHOOSE

2005-12-15T12:39:00.000-08:00

well, now that i'm officially "out" (at least here in Blogland) somehow i feel much more free. free to finally be myself and be who i want to be. unfortunately in the natural, in the real world, i'm still closeted, and (there's that word again) "stigmatized." it's like i dont fit in with those who are gay/lesbian, and those who are str8, well, y'all know how much shit i endured from Ms Homophobe. altho i'm sure that y'all who know me probably could care less about who i choose to fall in love with. the bottome line here is....LOVE, and FREEDOM OF CHOICE. PERIOD.

i wrote the homophobe an 18-page letter finally saying the things i'd held back from saying for the duration of the "friendship" in essence, i told Ms Homophobe that who is she or anybody from her church to say who she can be friends with? and how the fuck is me being bisexual "influencing" her? i never asked this woman to go to any gay-oriented events or clubs, hell I DONT GO TO EM because i CHOOSE not to! i pointed out to her that she needs to take another look in her bible and find the passage, "judge not, lest ye be judged" and also find the story of the prostitute who was being stoned and persecuted until Christ said to them "let ye who is without sin cast the first stone" which, to me means, before you decide that another person is a sinner, you oughta take a look in the mirror at your own damn self.

there are far too many people in this world who are fanatics concerning religion. and i'm willing to betcha close to 99.9% of em have some dirty little secrets that they dont want known; in fact i'm also willing to bet that quite a few of these same "fanatics" are on the down-low in their own churches, but come before their congregations spewing hellfire and damnation to everybody else. um can you say HYPOCRISY?

i told her that the God that i love loves all of His Children UNCONDITIONALLY; that He shines His Light on the poor as well as the rich, the saint and the sinner, and yes, there may be some people that are beyond help but nevertheless He is there 24/7/365. now mind you, i'm NOT a Bible-thumper by any means. i believe in freedom of speech and free will, and if a person wants to call a blade of grass God, hey, i aint got no problem with them.

just dont judge me and shove your beliefs down my throat. i might just spit in your face.

BTW: i didnt send the 18 page letter, but it felt damn good to write out what i felt.

queer eye for Bi Pride

2005-12-14T21:47:00.000-08:00

i have been tweaking up the look of my blog most of the evening. i also came up on a site that has LGBT Pride clip art and graphics, and i found these two cool clip art pieces -- the Bi Pride flag and the Bi Pride banner. i figured this was as good a place as any to "come out" LOL

i wanted to get the banner onto my sidebar along with the flag, but every time i tried it my links, archives and previous posts got pulled down to the bottom of my blog - grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. so, i figured putting up the flag was as good as it was gonna get. for those of you who are "curious" (pardon the pun LOL) about the colors of BiPride, the colors are a mix of hot pink (or fuschia), purple and royal blue, altho from visiting some personal web pages created by bi people they also include the Rainbow flag as well. so now everybody in the Blogosphere knows i play for both teams *grins*

the symbolism for the BiPride colors are this: the pink color represents attraction to the same sex (male/male, female/female), the blue represents attraction to the opposite sexes, and lastly the purple overlaps into attraction to both sexes:

female/female/male

male/male/female

Prince's "symbol" has been adopted by a lot of bi individuals as well. hmmm....so that's why he liked "purple" so much LOL!

Happy Birthday Mama (Dec.12,1922-June 18,1987)

2005-12-12T11:23:00.000-08:00

today would have been my mother's 83rd birthday. though i caught hell most of my growing up, my mama was still there for me, thru thick and thin, and i cant forget her. ever. Mama may have had her problems, but if it wasnt for her, i wouldnt be the woman i am today.

to all who share my mom's birthday: Colleen, happy birthday to you hon. you are a great friend that i have had the pleasure of making acquaintance with here in Blogland.

and now, a song for my mother, performed by The Spinners called "Sadie"

(spoken intro by the late Phillipe Wynne, lead singer of The Spinners)

in a world like today
it's a rare occasion
to be able
to see young mothers like
the ones who were around
when i grew up
but they live on
in memory to
quite a few of us
and this song
is dedicated
to those who
cherish that memory...

(music intro)

early one Sunday morning
breakfast was on the table
there was no time to eat
she said to me
girl hurry to Sunday school...

filled with the Lord of Glory
i learned the Holy Story
she'll always have her dreams
despite the things
this troubled world
can bring

(chorus)
oh Sadie
dontcha know we love ya
Sweet Sadie
place no one above ya
Sweet Sadie
livin' in the past

sometimes it seems
so funny
but no money
can turn your life
around....

sweeter than cotton candy
stronger than grandpa's old brandy
always that needed smile
but once in a while
she would break down and cry...

sometimes she'd be
so happy
bein ' with me and daddy
standing the worst
of times
breaking the binds
with just a simple song....

oh Sadie Mae
still lovin us all
in your special way
Sweet Sadie
livin in the past
oh she's never sinnin'
in love she's always winnin' yeah

(chorus) Sadie
dontcha know we love ya
sweet Sadie
place no one
above ya
sweet Sadie
livin' in the past

my my my
i love you Mama
i just cant forget
how you gave me love
oh Lord
if there's a Heaven
up above
i know
she's teaching Angels
how to love

(repeat chorus)

it's a mean world
without'cha, oh
all the love you showed
oh how can
anyone ever doubt
your love
aint it funny that
in the end
it's not money
it's just the love
you gave us all

(repeat chorus)

why why
such a goodly soul

(repeat chorus)

i dont know
and tho the people
say they love my song
oh Lord i'm all alone
i miss her so....yeah

(repeat chorus)

i love you Mama!
lemme just try
just try one more time
and say
altho we were very poor
she tried to love
us that much more oh

(repeat chorus)

have you ever
ever met Sadie
oh, the premiere
of ladies, oh
sometimes i feel so alone
but i know that
i gotta go on
that's what
she wanted for me
i know its gonna be
hard sometimes
oh Sadie....

(repeat chorus)
(repeat chorus)

Lord altho my mama's
no longer here
her memory still
lingers dear aw, just won't
lemme go, lemme go
why dontcha
why u wanna make me
feel so down...
oh oh

(repeat chorus)

this feelin wont let me be
i'm gonna keep movin'
and gonna try
to keep groovin'
because
she showed me love (repeat chorus and fade).....

from album "New and Improved"; produced by Thom Bell
(c) 1974, Atlantic Records

Rest in peace, Mama. I love you and I miss you and Daddy very, very much.

y'all will excuse me now...the tears are falling faster than i can type......*sniffling*

fading to black -- going into the "Twililght Zone"

2005-12-11T18:13:00.000-08:00

it's happening again. the dissociation, the "spacing out" -- next stop "The Twilight Zone." i dont know why this happens to me from time to time. it's like i can be doing something, and then it's like all of a sudden i stop, zone out for a few minutes, rock back and forth if i'm sitting, and then i come back to reality. it's weird.

lately i havent really had the desire to go out of the house unless i absolutely have to, like to pick up my meds from Walgreens, or go to a T/pdoc appointment. other than that, i just dont have a burning desire to be around people. sometimes when i am out, i dont feel like i'm "all there"-- it's like i'm looking at myself from the inside out....i see myself doing things that i have to do while i'm out, but it's like my body is there but my mind isnt. i dont feel particularly depressed, if anything, i feel flat, for lack of a better word. i mean, if something is funny, i'll laugh, but then just as quickly as i laugh, i turn flat again. i am not angry about anything in particular, that mood passed real quick when Miss Homophobe decided to end our friendship. then again, maybe i am still slightly angry, but i'm controlling it by deliberately blocking it out of my mind, which maybe is causing me to dissociate. shit i dont know.

my routine every day is thusly: i wake up, go to the bathroom, take my AM meds, have my morning cigarette, and sit my fat ass right here in front of this computer smoking, reading and posting comments to my favorite blogs i've bookmarked, or playing web games like Cubis, Bejeweled, Square Off, Spongebob Squarepants Collapse, or web word games. sometimes i forget to eat, and when i do decide to eat, it's like my body really doesnt want the food. strange.

it's like my whole life existence is this computer, and i could really care less about the outside world. the winter season doesnt bother me, so it's not SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder); in fact staying indoors now that the snow is on the ground gives me a strangely comforting feeling.

like now, i'm sitting here typing these words, but i feel like i'm on auto-pilot. my mind is functioning, but i think at a lesser level than before. it's like i'm rotely typing these words, and hoping that it's making sense. while i'm typing, i'm sitting in the chair rocking back and forth as i type. in a minute i'm liable to just stop typing, and stare off into space for a few minutes because my brain will run out of diatribe to type...like now...................................................and i'm back.

i mean i should be happy that i'm trying to straighten out my financial situation by switching banks for my direct deposit, and getting brand new checks, and also catching up on some bills that were out of hand. yet this gives me no sense of satisfaction of happiness. again, it's like i'm doing things rotely, mechanically, robotlike....i cant explain it.

fading to black................*cue "Twilight Zone music*.

(heart)breaking news....

2005-12-09T19:31:00.000-08:00

well, i guess i wont be keeping Scootie Bug no more *sad face*. his mommy got fired from her job today, and the bitch of it all is she got canned before Christmas. the poor child had been crying and was terribly upset. my heart goes out to her. i actually feel guilty for her paying me but i know she would insist that i take it. she has a b/f that lives with her and Scootie Bug, so i hope that he steps up to the plate and handle the business.

i'll still offer to keep Scootie Bug sometimes anyway, because i've come to love his lil adorable self. his mommy says she's still gonna try and find another job and apply for unemployment in the interim. i'm sure she'll luck up tho...this is the season a lot of places hire seasonal workers. hell if my arthritis didnt give me such grief, i'd try and find something too.

y'all please understand that i'm not trying to be selfish...i honestly feel awful my "granddaughter" as i have adopted her as such lost her job three weeks b4 Xmas. i can imagine her hurt and disappointment. so i'll let you all help me out here....

she paid me $25.00 -- should i give it back to her?

follow up to "this just in"

2005-12-08T21:34:00.000-08:00

i'm done. for real this time. i mean it....I.AM.DONE. Ms Homophobe talked to her minister who advised her that "if she (meaning me) is trying to change her (my) life from the lifestyle i am and wants to get closer to God, then it's ok. but since she (me) is not trying to build a relationship with God, then you (her) should not let her (me) have any influence on you (her)."

y'kno, i dont know whether to be angry or hurt. fuck that. I.AM.PISSED. yeah, i know i should have just let it go and not bothered to still be her fuckin' friend. just because we had a intimate encounter THAT WASNT ABOUT SHIT ANYWAY, she's still trippin' about it. so, because that happened, does she think that THAT was "influencing" her? WTF? i have long forgotten about it and have filed it under "stupid shit that should never have happened." so why is she still trippin about that? as i sit here writing this shit out, the more pissed i'm getting, and i'm tempted to call that heffa back and leave her a very NASTY message, but, i'm not. like a damn fool i left her a "nice" message and still extended the branch of friendship. I AM SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!

for months on end i listened patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) to her whine, piss, bitch and moan about "men aint about shit these days" and then the snot-slinging about "why would he do me like that?" ad nauseam. i listened. then she would say sometimes that "she didnt feel i was supportive enough of her because i didnt say much and she did all the talking." yet, i still listened. listened until my fucking eardrums were ready to bust. i listened.

no disrespect to those of you who suffer from borderline personality, but this woman literally drained me dry. i'm sorry, but i have to be brutally honest here and if i have offended anyone who suffers from BPD, i duly apologize. but this blog is my outlet to let it out, and i had to get this out of my system.

the constant "overanalyzing" of trivial shit, the constant suspicion, the drama, oh LAWD the DRAMA! i'm sorry, and i mean no harm when i say this, but i can see why a lot of folks who suffer from BPD cant maintain friendships or relationships. and my heart goes out to you -- it must be exhausting to have to "overthink" things and always keeping your guards up because you have trust issues. i feel for you all, i truly do. i can only imagine the constant inner anguish you all feel all the time, the emotional rollercoasters, the self-destructive things you constantly battle with internally. i have issues too, God knows i do...but it was beginning to make me feel like i was constantly walking on eggshells. a lot of the time i was afraid to say the wrong thing because i didnt want what i said misconstrued and picked apart. yet it happened anyway.

*sigh*....like i said...i'm done. FOR REAL.

"let it snow, let it snow, let it snow..."

2005-12-08T15:39:00.000-08:00

This is my oldest daughter, Aqueelah, age 26 sitting at the computer in our kitchen. she was a "Blizzard '79' baby *grins* (sorry fellas, she's taken already *smile*)

so i spose those of y'all from Chicago wishing for a "white" Christmas, well you got your wish. GRRRRRRRRRR. and i have a T and pdoc appointment tomorrow. great. wonderful. lucky me, i get to walk thru all that shit to the bus stop going and coming. aint gonna happen. i'm stayin' right here in my nice warm house.

there used to be a time when i loved snow--as a child. i remember the first blizzard we had in 1967. the WHOLE CITY was shut down. most schools were closed and for those commuting to and from work, it was a hugantic, ginormous (yeah i stole these words from Bruce Almighty) mess. cars were buried beneath the snow, and i remember asking my mama if i could go out and play in the snow. she said yes, and bundled me up good and out the door i went. i made a pitiful snowman, and made snow angels by lying on my back and waving my arms and legs. thankfully it wasnt biting cold out and i stayed out there until mama called me in to eat dinner.

then we got smacked down with another blizzard in 1979. during that time i was pregnant with my oldest daughter, Aqueelah, (see pic above--isnt she pretty!) who blessed the world with her presence on February 23, 1979, weighing in at 8 pounds, 6 ounces. she along with my youngest (sorry i dont have pics of her yet, but will get some soon) are the joys of my life, and i dont know what i would do without them. /so it's snowing big time now. it's pretty to look at, but hell to get around in-especially when you are an old bag of bones like me LOL. after the T and pdoc appt, unless it's ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY for me to go out, i will be keeping my little shawt fat azz right here in the warmth of my apartment.

somehow i get the feeling we just MIGHT have another blizzard....

this just in.....

2005-12-08T10:21:00.000-08:00

in my last post i had said that i didnt think i was gonna be keeping Scootie Bug today, but that changed. his mommy had to go into work today, so i get a chance to keep my "grandbaby" again today.

as i said before, he's kinda fussy because he's teething, and i saw a little "plug" trying to come in his lower gums. but it's ok. i remember when my girls were his age and they tended to be a tad fussy too. luckily his mommy put his teething ring in his diaper bag so he can gnaw on that.

i just got him to sleep a few minutes ago after he had his morning bottle. and yes, he has his real "Binky" too LOL.

and now in other news...*sigh* y'all read my post about "life goes on" because a woman i'd become friends with thru the partial hospital program decided that she couldnt accept our friendship because of my sexual preferences, right? mm-kay. well, she called me last night and was saying that she didnt really want to shut me out of her life, being that i've been a support system for her since she doesnt get on well with her family, and that she appreciates my listening to her and being there for her when she was nearly suicidal from getting royally dissed by a man she'd just met. she said she was going to talk to her pastor about our friendship and see what he has to say about having a friend who lives an alternative lifestyle.

only to me do these things happen. i sent her a birthday card (tho her b-day is in January on the 20th) and some other cards. when i picked up my phone the other day, and i was checking my voice mail messages, she'd left a tearful message saying how much she liked the cards because they touched her heart and so on and so on.

i called her back to mainly say i'm glad she liked them and glad she got them, and then the tears started again, and she was saying that she was having a change of heart about our friendship and that she was gonna talk to her minister at her church about it. ah well.

y'all know i'm gonna go there right? Right. friendship, in my honest opinion, should be real, honest and true, and without prejudice. if you are my friend, I ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE and if i have a problem with you, ESPECIALLY if it is detrimental to your well-being, i will call you on it but in a diplomatic way and not pull out both barrels and come out shooting. the friends i've made here in Blogland are truly wonderful and i feel blessed to have met such wonderful, interesting people, and it is greatly appreciated.

now, i'm sure y'all are wondering who this dude was who dissed her and what did her say? well, for starters, she told him she was bipolar and oh Lawd, why did she tell him that? he took that info and ran with it, calling her "crazy" and saying that "he cant deal with her, because he thinks she might haul off one day and kill him" and blah blah blah yadda yadda. O-kay.

now then. as dude is going thru his tirade, instead of her putting his silly ass in check, she takes his verbal tirade, and then winds up in the psych unit in the hospital because she was feeling suicidal. do y'all see where this is going? am i making sense here? she gets upset because he calls her "crazy" and "unstable" thus getting her feelings hurt, yet tried to get back WITH THIS SAME GUY a few weeks after she was released from the hospital. WTF?

yet, she has a strong case of homophobia towards me. funny, when i've read the Bible (and NO i'm not a Bible-thumper in any way, so chill out a'ight?) i dont recall ever reading any passages that says outright that homosexuality is a sin and if there is such a passage, please let me know which one it is, bcuz inquirin' minds wanna know.

alrighty then. the day that she got my cards, she also got a Christmas card from this same cat who went ballistic on her. she called me that same night to tell me that she got a Christmas card from him and she was trying to "decipher" what his motive was in sending it. OOOOOOO-kay.

now. last night she called me saying that she was thinking about our friendship and how she realized that next to her T and pdoc, i've been her only source of support when she was going thru some rough patches, and she felt that she shouldnt just dismiss me from her life and that's when she was saying that she was gonna talk to her minister about maintaining a friendship with me. and then in the interim, she gets all pissy because she felt like dude who sent her the Xmas card "was playing games with her head" and for about an hour she ranted and bitched about him (and interrupted my watching of the season premeire of "Law and Order", but i digress,) and then told me she got his number from directory assistance, called the man and bitched him out about "she aint the one to be playing mind games with" and slammed down the phone on him. OK then. errum, how is he playing "mind games" with a simple Christmas card? *shakes head in confusion*

now, as i said, if an individual and i become friends, i'm the type of gal that will be there for you, to listen and if i have money and you need it, i will come thru for you. i dont care if you are black, white,green, purple, str8, gay, les, bi, trans, bipolar, schizophrenic, narcissistic, borderline, schizoaffective, depressed, tall, short, fat, skinny, bald, weaved, crosseyed, bucktoofed or whatever. I ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE. YOU ARE MY FRIEND, PERIOD.

what this man said to her was fouler than foul, and her feelings were hurt, and she was saying that he was "stigmatizing" her because of her bipolar. hmmm. lessee, stigmatizing....a very deep word isnt it? ya think maybe karma came back on her because she "stigmatized" ME for being bisexual? i mean damn, it aint contagious like the flu.

i dunno. any comments or thoughts on this subject would be greatly appreciated because i have finally shorted out the one functional brain cell i have left with this shit.