after about two weeks, the adjuticator called me and told me they received my entire chart and that i didnt have to go to their doctor, that they had more than enough information. i nearly wept with joy, and then i asked him if things looked favorable. he said it did, and i would receive a letter in the mail from Social Security telling me what i would be receiving. i shouted with joy to the heavens above because my long draught of not having money was almost over. plus my oldest daughter had already told me she couldnt keep paying my rent for me because it was beginning to stress her and i told her she didnt have to worry about it, that i had been approved for disability benefits and that i would be receiving a back pay check in a substantial amount that would cover the rent for September. she paid the rent for August, and i told her that i would be able to take it from there for the next month. on September 17, 2004, i recieved my back pay check, and i fell to my knees in tears thanking God over and over that i was finally able to take care of myself. as i said before, the check was in a substantial amount, and my youngest daughter had brought it up from the mail and i told her what it was, and she hugged me and then i told her ok, let's go pay some bills. i paid off my phone bill which had crept up to over $500 dollars, i paid my light and gas bills, and took out the rent. still having money left over, she and i walked over to Bank One and i opened a direct deposit checking account with the left over money and then after that, we walked to my friend Marta's house and i gave her $100 because she had been so kind to me during my dark moments. so that month of September was a blessing from God for me, and beginning in October 2004, my direct deposits began. i receive a check for me and for my daughter, and set up online banking with Bank One and also set up online bill pay for the light, gas, and telephone companies. so each month on the 3rd i get my direct deposit in my checking account.
well, 2004 finally ended, and now we go into 2005. i was keeping my appointments with my therapist and my psychiatrists regularly, but in mid-January i began to feel all the signs of relapse. my relationship with my s/o had deteriorated and i knew i was not able to give of myself in it, so i ended it. it had been going downhill for sometime, and i had finally gotten tired of trying to make my illness understood and not really receiving the loving support i needed. when i ended it, it was like a huge weight had been lifted from me, and for a while i was fine.
then i got news from my father's lady friend in South Carolina that my dad wasnt doing well.
i had been trying to find a way to go and see him, but being on a fixed income, it wasnt looking too well. i became deeply depressed when i received the news, and i found myself crying off and on. i told my therapist about how i'd been feeling and he asked me did i feel like i needed to go back to the partial hospital program. i said yes, because that was a huge blow, and i wasnt sure if i could handle it on my own. so back to PHP i went on January 17, 2005. prior to that i had finally gotten my eyeglasses after a nearly three month wait for Medicaid to pay for them. once i was readmitted to the program, i became friendly with a lady who was also in the program, and while we were outside on a smoke break i was talking about going to see my father because i had gotten news that he wasnt doing well. well, this lady (and i wont mention her name here) heard me talking about going to see my father, and she came up to me and said she would help me financially to go see my dad, just tell her when i needed it. i was truly touched by her kind gesture and she gave me her phone number and told me to let her know when i wanted to go, and how i was going to go and she would give me the money. i thanked her for her generosity and we went back inside out of the cold.
February 2005. a bad month for me. i was having flashbacks of my breakdown from two years before and also still feeling anger towards that bastard who tried to rape my daughter. my emotions were in an uproar and then, i got another call from my dad's lady friend telling me she had to put him in a nursing home because caring for him had worn her out, and that he was not doing well at all. my father had Alzheimer's, which is a horrible disease, and most of the time he didnt know where or who he was, and he also suffered from Parkinsons, which caused horrible tremors, and macular degeneration, where his vision was fading. it was hurting me to hear about my dad's declining health, and by that time, i knew i had to go and see him. i called the lady who offered to help me and told her that i was gonna try to go see my dad for his birthday, which was February 4 and i was going to go by Greyhound bus. she asked me how much was the round trip fare, and i told her and she said she would have a check for me the next day. i thanked her for her gracious generosity in helping me to get to South Carolina, and she told me i didnt have to do that, she was glad to do it. she had dropped out of the program by then and then i got the worst news i could have ever gotten...my dad's lady friend told me he was dying and that it wouldnt be too much longer before he passed away. prior to that i had just sent him a birthday card to the nursing home where he was, and i asked Miss Claudia (my dad's lady friend) if she got it and she said she did, and how beautiful she thought the card was. i did manage to call him on his birthday but sadly, he really didnt know who i was, and it broke my heart. but at least i had heard his voice one last time. he sounded so weak and from what i had been told by Miss Claudia he had become very frail and weak. it hurt me to hear that and by then i was desperately trying to get down there to see him one last time -- but unfortunately i didnt make it. Miss Claudia called me near the end of February and told me Daddy was dying and that they didnt give him very long, that he'd stopped eating and had become incontinent and i started crying when she told me that, and after i hung up, i cried and cried until i was sick --- i fell down to the floor and cried and cried and cried, all the while two songs i'd downloaded by Luther Vandross played on my computer -- "Can Heaven Wait" and "Dance With My Father". i cried and begged God to please let my daddy hold on until i got there, and while "Can Heaven Wait" played, i cried and and cried even harder, because the lyrics were fitting to the grief i was feeling. my eyes were swollen and sore from all the crying i'd done, and then i heard a knock at my front door and it was my oldest daughter's father. still crying, i told him the news i'd gotten and he took me in his arms and held me while i cried. before he came, i called my oldest and and told her her grandpa was dying and it was only a matter of time.
anyways, the next day i went to group and told them the news, and started crying all over again. everyone in the group was very kind and supportive and it made me cry even harder. but i still kept going every day, even though it was very difficult to get up each morning. near the end of February i called the nice lady who offered to pay for me to go to South Carolina and told her the news. she said that she would be at the hospital once i got out of group and she would write out the check for me. i thanked her and told her God bless her for what she did and she said she didnt mind at all.
Tuesday, March 1, 2005. i got the call that i had been dreading...that my father had died. my children were with me and i began to cry all over again, with both of them holding me and hugging me. i was a complete wreck that night. i barely slept, even tho i had taken my bedtime meds, and again it was difficult for me to even get up and get ready for group, but i went. i told the group that my father has passed and that i would probably have to go out of town for the funeral. i was an emotional wreck, my heart was heavy from grief and i was barely functional. i still had crying spells off and on, and was deeply deeply depressed.
on that wednesday, i saw the nice lady at the hospital after i had gotten out of group and she saw me and motioned me over to sit with her while she wrote out the check for my busfare. i hugged her and thanked her over and over for her generosity and put the check in my purse. prior to that my brother called me on my cell phone and asked me if i knew of some cheap flights to South Carolina because that saturday they were having a graveside service for our father. i told him i would get back to him. i had previously went online to check the airfares which was way out of my price range, and i had told the nice lady that i was going to go by bus down to S. Carolina. the fare was $233.00 round trip and she had wrote the check out for $238.00. i called my brother back and told him i was coming by Greyhound and was gonna leave the following day, Thursday, the 3rd of March. he said that was good and i began to start packing my things for that long bus ride. i felt bad that i didnt have enough to bring my children with me, but they understood. on that Thursday, i called PHP and told them that i was leaving that day to go down to S. Carolina because the funeral was on saturday. i had gotten my direct deposit that morning and paid all the household bills online and then went out and paid the rent and cashed the check the lady had given me, and then rushed off to the 95th & Dan Ryan Greyhound station to buy my ticket, and dog tired, i went home to prepare to leave. by that time my oldest daughter had come over to keep an eye on her little sister, and i was frantically rushing to leave out to get to the bus station. she downloaded some songs on a blank CD and i had gathered up some extra CDs to listen to because she had also let me carry her CD player so i wouldnt lose what was left of my mind on that long bus ride.
around 6 pm, lugging my heavy bag and purse, i told my kids i was leaving and they all hugged and kissed me and told me to be safe on my journey. i told them i would and that i loved them and i would see them on monday. wearing my heavy winter coat, i traipsed to the bus stop and took the #4 bus to 95th street and then took another bus to the 95th Street train/bus station.
i got there at about 7:15 and wearily made my way to the Greyhound station. i carried my cell phone and called the kids and told them that i made it to the station, and then my oldest told me that her dad was there and that he wanted to talk to me before i left. we talked for a while, and then i hung up and stood outside to wait for the bus. i was getting more and more agitated and irritated and asked the tired looking ticket agent where was the bus and she said it was late but it would be there. i was getting madder by the minute, and there were other people waiting both inside and outside the terminal. i went across the street to buy a big bottle of water so i could take my meds whenever the damn bus showed up. it finally came, and had to go downtown so we who were taking it could meet our connecting bus to go to our varied destinations. the lady at the 95th terminal had allegedly called the downtown terminal to tell them to hold the connecting bus because the bus we were on was running behind schedule, but as it turned out, by the time we got downtown, the connecting bus had left. tired, hungry and pissed beyond pissed, i went to talk to an agent and told him my tale of woe, that i had missed my connecting bus and so on. he asked to look at my ticket, which i was holding on to for dear life, and he swore under his breath and told me to wait there. prior to that, i was hungry and i had bought some chicken and rice with a roll and took my 9 pm meds. i wolfed down the food while the agent did his thing and then i sat there and waited.
stay tuned for more .....
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