sigh....the beginning of my end. well, it all started on february 17, 2003. i was working the 3 to11 shift at a hospital on chicago's west side. i was already tired and irritable and had a load of 20 (count 'em) patients and was working with a real lazy bitch ass nurse. all during shift i was feeling strange....i kept hearing these voices in my head that sounded like a convention....they started out soft and then intensified to loud and demanding. i was winding up my shift and was working my way down to my last patient, and this particular nurse had been riding my ass damn near all evening. the voices kept intensifying with incredible strength, and i would find myself shaking my head to clear the voices away, but they kept on coming.
i could feel myself starting to lose it, and i got shaky and scared all at the same time. after a while this one voice that sounded like Darth Vader boomed in my head "KILL THAT BITCH! KILL HER! KILL HER!" and i swear to God if that nurse had merely tapped me on my shoulder i would have been all over her ass like a bad rash and they would have called security to pull me off her. by the time i got to my last patient, i lost it. i started screaming at the top of my lungs "I WANNA GO HOME! I CANT TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE! I WANNA GO HOME AND I WANNA GO HOME NOW!!!!" all my co workers came running to see what the hell was going on and by then i had burst into tears and saying over and over "I WANNA GO HOME!!!! DONT TOUCH ME! I WANNA GO HOME!"
well, the charge nurse, a mousy looking white woman, said calm as can be "ok...leave her alone. she's burned out. let her go home." still bawling and slinging snot, i blindly ran to the nurse's lounge and called my therapist crying, leaving her a tearful, hysterical message that i needed to talk to her and please call me back on my cell phone. i managed to put on my boots, heavy winter coat, hat and gloves and grabbed my purse and walked out of the hospital into the snowy night to the "El" station. by then i was in a zombie like state when i reached the train station and when i reached the platform, i felt numb --- sorta outta body-like. when the train came, i boarded and sat down in a window seat and watched the train whiz along the tracks. the voices had died down, and i was still in a zombie like state by the time the train reached my stop (which was the end of the line at 63rd and Cottage Grove). i got off, and took the elevator down to the bus stop to wait for the number 4 Cottage Grove bus to take me home. again, i sat staring out of the window as the bus lumbered down Cottage Grove avenue thru the snowy night.
i saw my stop approaching and pulled the stopcord and got off and watched the bus roar off down the street. staring blankly ahead, i crossed the street and walked towards my house.
when i got home, my daughter asked me "mama, what's the matter" and i mumbled a reply and after removing my outerwear, i sat down on my couch and stared off into space.
my therapist called me back and i told her the whole horrible chain of events and she told me to come and see her the next morning, which i did.
so....thus begins my spiral into the hell of depression.....stay tuned for more.
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