after my discharge (again) i went into a brief remission...going into august 2003 this time. i had recovered enough to go back to the partial hospital program every day, but alas, after one very emotional session during PHP, i broke down in tears again and was voicing suicidal ideation.
and once again, i was admitted to the cuckoo's nest. i was severely depressed because for one i had no money coming in to pay all the bills that were piling up and that alone had me feeling suicidal because i couldnt cope with the situation mentally and i would find myself crying and asking God what had i done to deserve His punishment and to please forgive me. the nights before my admission i would sometimes be up all night crying and praying or reading Bible passages because i wanted the pain that was tormenting me inside to stop.
i had received a 5-day notice from my landlord that was working its way to eviction and i freaked out. while i was in the hospital, i would call the real estate company and tell them that i was in the hospital and could they please bear with me at this time because i wasnt working and i was on an unpaid medical leave. they gave the usual speech about my needing to come up with the rent and bla bla bla, and i hung up feeling more depressed and desperate. that was when i started journaling by hand. many times i could barely hold the pen to write and my handwriting would be scrawled across the page but nevertheless i wrote. i wrote out everything i had been feeling from the last two hospitalizations, and remembering it would sometimes make me cry.
still, i kept writing up until i got discharged -- my stays usually went for a week and then i was put on this strange medication called Rispedal, which made me feel like a zombie. i remember i had took a pill before i got on the bus to come home, and the next thing i knew, i was feeling like i couldnt breathe, and i remember laying my head on my arms while the bus was in motion.
when i got to my stop, i felt like i was gonna pass out at any minute, and instead of walking home, i walked to this lounge on 83rd street and asked to use their pay phone. my hands were shaking like i had Parkinsons, and i felt disoriented and paranoid, and i called my daughter to walk home with me because i didnt think i could make it on my own. she said she would come and walk with me and after i made that call, still shaking, i sat down and laid my head on my arms and waited for her. my daughter came and asked me was i alright and i recall mumbling an answer like "uh huh. yeah.i'm ok." i felt like Rain Man with the monosyllabic responses and when we got home, my daughter asked why didnt i call her to meet me at the hospital and i told her i thought i could make it all the way home but i started feeling strange, and i felt like i couldnt walk straight, so that's why i went into that bar to use the phone.
i went to sleep and started having strange dreams and woke up scratching too. that shit had begun to start an allergic reaction because i could feel my tongue starting to swell and i was itching all over. in a panic i called the emergency room and told them how i was feeling and they told me to come right away. not trusting myself on the bus, i called a cab and had the cab take me to the ER.
when i got there, i headed straight for the ER and told them what had happened, and thankfully i had brought the meds with me that was causing the problem, and when an ER doc finally saw me, i told him what happened, and that i was feeling strange, like i couldnt breathe, and that i had awful tremors, and i showed him the tiny bumps that had started breaking out on my arms. he had the nurse to give me some Benadryl to stop the itching and to keep my tongue from further swelling. after about 15 minutes or so, i felt much better and the doc wrote out my discharge slip and told me perhaps i should stop taking the Risperdal, because it seemed like it was causing me to have an allergic reaction. i thanked him gratefully and went to catch the bus back home.
once i got home, i immediately flushed that Risperdal shit down the toilet, and kept taking this other med called Geodon, which i had no idea it was in the same category of Risperdal. Geodon was another anti-psychotic like Seroquel, and it was horrible. i found out that shit also made me break out all over and made my hands shake and made me feel suicidal. i think i was taking that and Lexapro and Klonopin as well at that time, and i felt horrible. by then i had an appointment to see my own psychiatrist, Dr. Munoz, and i told him how horrible the Geodon made me feel. he switched me off Geodon and put me on Seroquel instead.
i started out taking 100mg of Seroquel, and at first, i was ok. then a friend of mine wanted me to come over to her house, so i put on some clothes and walked to her building. so far, so good.
i was sitting at the kitchen table at her house and we were talking and all of a sudden i started getting drowsy and dizzy. i told her i needed to use the bathroom and when i got up the room started spinning, and the next thing i knew, i passed out on the floor with a loud "BAM!"
everybody in the house came running to see what had happened and by her being a former RN and also having bipolar disorder and was taking Seroquel, thru my blur i could hear her tell her husband and son to help me up off the floor and let me sleep it off. shit! nobody had told me that shit makes you dizzy! the last i remember i was being put to bed and i fell into a deep hard sleep.
the next morning when i woke up, i found my teenage daughter sitting at the foot of the little sofabed where i'd passed out like a saturday night drunk from the powerful punch from the Seroquel. she asked me if i was ok, and i said, yeah, and she helped me up and helped me get dressed so we could walk home. i was still a bit unsteady on my feet, but after a while, i gradually got my bearings and we walked home together. i got home and took my morning meds and just sat around the house in a somewhat zoned out state. thus began the demise of my relationship and also my grip on reality. i had started sitting in a corner of the sofa, and would sit and smoke and stare at the television but not really watching it.
medication complications? you bet your ass! stay tuned......
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