the downward spiral....*sigh* yep, that's the only way i can describe it. as i said previously, i went to the PHP sessions before i went to work each day and was assigned a psychiatrist (finally!) to get me started on meds. i think what caused the spiral was that i had really no medication to stabilize my mood, and i was also going thru withdrawals from being off one of the meds the other shrink had put me on, Klonopin. i would feel anxious, scared, and felt like i was losing my fucking mind. the PHP psych doc's name is Dr. Oscar Munoz, a wiry, long-haired Hispanic fellow who always seemed like he was in constant motion, but nonetheless a very good doctor. he rewrote a script for Lexapro, the anti-depresant the other shrink had started me on and when i had no money (which was most of the time *sigh*) he would usually give me either samples or a coupon i could take to Walgreens pharmacy to have filled at no cost. he also re-wrote another brand new script for Klonopin, which, at the time when i was working, had a $10 co-pay. at the salary i was on as a CP (clinical partner -- a glorified term for a CNA with additional skills -- in this instance i was doing phlebotomy (blood draws) and EKGs because i worked on a cardiac (heart) floor) wasnt shit, many times i had to borrow the $10 so i could get my medication refilled, mainly because i had health insurance (fucking HMO) thru the job and with certain meds there were co-pays.
so thus began my run on the medication. for a while they seemed to help, and i was somewhat functional for a while, but always tired and extremely drowsy (the Klon was the culprit for that) but i was at least able to go to work -- for about a week or so, then i dropped back down into the spiral and in one session of PHP, i started crying again, and saying that i didnt want to live anymore, that i felt like a failure at everything i did -- even as a mother, and i just wanted to die. Charlotte asked me if i was feeling suicidal, and tearfully i said yes, and she just nodded, and took me over to the inpatient psych side where i was immediately admitted.
i was still in my uniform and crying and as i was being taken to my room, the unit nurse asked me to take off my clothes, my rings, my necklace, earrings, shoes (because they had laces), and they also went thru my purse and took out items that were thought to be potentially dangerous, like my compact, my nail file, keys, and bagged the jewelry and had me sign for it to be placed with the security office - oh i forgot to mention my cigarette lighter and cigarettes too.
my purse was put in holding closet and i was issued a gown and an admission kit consisting of a bar of soap, a bottle of lotion, a toothbrush, toothpaste, and styrofoam drinking cups, also a washcloth and a towel and footie slippers. i put on the gown and asked for another so my ass wouldnt be hanging all out for the world to see, and then i was weighed and after that i was left alone in my room. i managed to stop crying for a while, and came out of my room and walked up and down the corridor, looking at my new surroundings. i was kinda scared, but i felt safe at the same time, because i knew if i had worked my shift, and went home, i probably would have tried to commit suicide.
since i was admitted some time before they served the patients dinner, i had to wait until then to eat. when the dinner trays were brought around, it looked like crap, but as hungry as i was, i ate it. ironically, i thought, this would be the same time i would be passing dinner trays to my patients on my floor, and it felt strange at first to be given a dinner tray as an inpatient -- i mean there were many times on my floor co-workers and i would swipe a leftover dinner tray that was meant for a patient who'd been discharged, and that would be our dinner for the night.
now i was a patient, on a psych unit no less, and sighing heavily, i finished my food.
oh yeah, i forgot to mention i was given a generic version of Nicorette gum to curb my nicotine cravings -- believe me, that shit was nasty. i 'd rather chew on a cigarette butt than that stuff.
because at that time we werent allowed to smoke, we were either given the gum or a patch.
after a couple of days with the gum, i asked for a patch. sigh. the patch made me break out in a rash, but it was either that or go cold turkey. oh well.
around 9 that evening, we were given a snack before bedtime, which usually consisted of either a ham or turkey sandwich, some cookies and either juice or milk, or a dry ass peanut butter and jelly sandwich. bleh. the cookies were good tho. then it was nighttime meds, and i was given Thorazine to help me sleep. believe me, that shit is powerful. about three minutes after the nurse gave it to me, i was yawning something fierce and had no choice but to go to bed. i was tired anyways, from all the bawling i'd done earlier and that pill just magnified the fatigue so it was lights out for me.
stay tuned for more of my experience in the cuckoo's nest........
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