remission.....for now.............

well. it's been a little over three months since i was discharged from the partial hospital program. i had been doing volunteer work off and on at Mercy Hospital and also at the DuSable Museum. but now, i dont know...i feel numb. maybe it's because my pdoc increased my Zoloft dosage from 100 mg to 150.....i dunno. usually my days start with getting up and smoking a cigarette, and then sitting at this computer for hours either playing computer games or just surfing the 'Net.

truthfully i dont know what to really do with my days....sometimes i have energy to burn, some times i dont. and i feel like i'm going back into seclusion to the point where i dont want to come out of the house unless absolutely necessary. i volunteered at the museum a total of three times, and the volunteer manager lady called me today and asked if i was available for some events taking place over the weekend -- tonight and tomorrow night. i told her no for tonight -- that i wasnt feeling well and that i would have to give tomorrow a lot of thought. i already know i'm not gonna go because my period came and has been giving me hell and truthfully i'm not in the mood to be around a lot of people. i just prefer the safety of my dirty little apartment, cocoooned away from the rest of the world. last sunday the temperature hit 102 degrees and i did not come out of the house until nightfall to go buy a pack of smokes and even then it was warm and muggy out. now i hear next week is gonna go back up to the 90s ----fuck!

i took my nighttime meds three hours ago and for the life of me i dont want to lie down but my body keeps telling me to do it. when i start twitching around in this chair then that's my cue.

oh well. i'm in remission now.....for how long? i have no clue.

it's so hard to say goodbye -- my father's passing - part 2

sorry i havent written in a while. this past father's day was quite painful for me. as i mentioned in my previous post my dad died back in march, and i was truly devastated about losing him. when i got the news from his lady friend that he was dying, i cried and cried all that night...cried right down to the floor in a crumpled heap of tears. it felt like my heart had been ripped right outta my chest it hurt so much. i was listening to "Can Heaven Wait" by the now late Luther Vandross and it made me cry that much harder because in a way i was begging heaven to please wait until i got a chance to see him before God called him home. but unfortunately i didnt make it in time. he died March 1, 2005. again --- more tears. and i had to get down to South Carolina for the graveside service. thankfully that way had been made and i did make it. since then, i've had my moments where i cry off and on from time to time because i miss him so much. and as i said, this past Father's Day was a bit rough --- for one, my mother died in the same month on June 17, 1987, and then i just lost my father that prior March, so it was a double whammy emotionally for me. however, i did send Father's Day cards to Mama Claudia (his lady friend) to put on his grave, and of course i cried off and on that day while listening to Luther's "Dance With My Father." the lyrics were so poignant, and reminded me of when i was a little girl always running to my daddy much to my mama's chagrin.

now that Father's Day has come and gone, the pain of losing him isnt as bad as it was originally. i still have moments of sadness, but know he is not suffering anymore and him and my mama are back together again in Heaven. my mama truly loved my daddy and was heartbroken when he left her without warning. aside from the cancer that eventually took my mother's life, i truly believe she died from a broken heart because she loved my daddy so.

well. i dont have much to say in this post. stay tuned for periodic postings. peace. also please feel free to post your comments....they would be greatly appreciated.