nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide

strange. i've only been back online for two days and i feel like hiding again. i have a desktop notepad journal with the same title as this blog, and had been writing in it while i was disconnected from the internet. it seemed like my writing came with a natural flow, where i could be as raw and as deep as i wanted.

maybe it's because nobody was reading it but me. not that i dont enjoy writing my thoughts and feelings out here, but in a way it's like, well, work.

sometimes i feel like what i write here makes no sense, or just a bunch of jumbled, scattered thoughts injected with wry humor at times. sometimes i feel like a blithering, blathering, whining old bag about my aches and pains, perimenopausal symptoms, and other scrambled, random shit. *sigh*

here it is 12:30 in the morning and i'm sitting here on my big fat ass typing shit i that i havent the slightest idea what it's about. maybe it's the meds; maybe it's just me, i dunno. i visit other blogs and they seem so much more interesting than mine. tho i love the new design of the blog, deep down inside i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and running away.

maybe i'm still stressed out from being on the go all last week. last Tuesday i was in the ER with my daughter who was having abdominal pain, and we were there a good six and a half hours. then i was on the go again the next day, going to the store to get some food and some $$$ from people i knew, then again the next day, same thing, then this past Saturday having to go grocery shopping only to find the store with wall-to-wall shoppers because we all get our food stamps on the first of the month, and everybody's trying to stock up with food to last until the 1st of next month.

and this is weird: i bought $192 worth of groceries, and it seems all i wanna eat is junk food - i bought some blue corn tortilla chips which were quite good, some of those "fun size" candies like Milky Ways, Snickers and Reese's cups. mind you i did buy actual food, but it's the sugar and salt cravings that have been fueling my gluttony.

i have loads of chicken, some steaks, greens, canned goods and other stuff. i even bought some EVOO (extra-virgin olive oil - i am a huge fan of Rachael Ray's "30 Minute Meals" show on the Food Channel) and some balsamic vinegar too. from watching shows like hers i mentally pick up cooking tips, and i decided to keep some E.V.O.O and balsamic vinegar on hand to make vinagrettes, or cook shrimp in the olive oil. but here's the thing -- i dont wanna cook! maybe cuz i cooked three days in a row and i just aint got the energy to be slingin pots and pans. i bought some prewashed mustard greens and i know if i dont cook 'em soon, they're gonna wilt and go bad. i have a lot of dinner ideas in my head, but when it comes to executing those ideas, the desire fizzles out.

and, here of late i have been glued to the Food Channel for some reason. as mentioned before, i love Rachael Ray, but i also love Paula Deen's "suhthun" cooking show, Iron Chef America, and quite a few others. maybe it's just watching them cook holds my attention and fascination or something, shit i dont know.

i dont know what's going on with me. i still feel like running away but it's kinda hard when there's nowhere to run to and nowhere to hide.

oh well. lemme find my bag of cheese tortilla chips...