i applied for a job yesterday -- but am i really ready to get back out there?

yeah you read right. i had to go to the post office yesterday, and didnt realize it was quite warm out, and i was wearing sweats and a leather jacket. i see why these fuckers are called sweats - i had a river pouring down my back, shit!

anyway. after i left the post office i caught the bus to 83rd street and got off. i walked to the Family Dollar store and went in to look around. of course when i had no money, i saw things i wanted: a cute long summer skirt and a pair of those "J-Lo" shades that were not only cute but only $5. there was no way i could use my "5-finger discount", so aimlessly i walked over to the computer that was in the store where one could fill out an application electronically. so i sat my little short fat ass in the plastic chair and began the application process for part-time work as a store clerk.

i dont know what made me do it - no that is a lie. i know what made me do it. i'm fucking tired of being fucking broke all the damn time. since Social Security stopped benefits for my daughter, i've been having a hell of a time keeping my head above water. once i take out $550 for my rent, shit aint much left. that's what made me sit down and patiently answer all the questions on the application. i dont care if it's minimum wage, as long as i dont go over the allotted amount i get every month, i can still work and still keep getting my disability.

the question is: am i REALLY ready to go back into the working world? do i have the patience to deal with people who may have attitudes? will i be able to keep my patience and not snap off on em or throw shit around? it was an impulsive move, and i didnt stop and think about it. so something must be nagging at me to finally get up offa my ass and do something.

i had been working since the age of 16, and there were some lean moments when i had to apply for Medicaid and whatnot, but then my momma was still living and i didnt have to worry about my daughter (the oldest one).

it's like deep down inside of me i want a job again, to feel productive and to give myself a sense of self-worth, and to be able to pay all my bills on time, and have at least a little something left for me. now, would i go back to the nursing field as a nurse assistant? HELL NO. that's what started the downward spiral. however, i still remember how to draw blood (phlebotomy), and truth be told, i miss that part of it -- the other parts, wiping asses and pulling heavy patients up in bed, again a resounding HELL NO. so who knows? there's a lot of these little storefront clinics in the neighborhood that have a blood drawing lab in 'em, so i might go and check around to see if they need help. at least my skills wont get rusty.

it's funny - you can take the nurse out of the hospital but you cant take the hospital out of the nurse LOL. it's all i've ever known for the last soon to be 12 years next month. i just dont want to deal with the shitty end of it or what i call "bedpan alley".

i dont wanna hafta to smell shit and piss and puke much less have to clean it. i dont wanna hafta pull circus-sized obese patients up in bed no more BY MYSELF and messing up my own body. i dont wanna hafta work crazy assed shifts and deal with bitch assed nurses who think it's the nurse assistant's job to do EVERYTHING and they not help, or constantly bug the fuck out of me about doing my job. i dont want that part of it no more. EVER.

if i could luck up on a neighborhood clinic or doctor's office, that would work for me. i aint gotta hear patients or their families bitch me out because their loved one has sat in a puddle of piss and shit since 2pm when i'm just starting my shift at 3pm. i just wanna be able to find a good vein on somebody, draw what labs the doc wants and send that patient on their merry way. is that too much to ask for? probably.

however, most of these clinics insist that the phlebotomists be certified, and i'm not. i'm hospital-trained, with 5 years experience under my belt. i'm gonna see what Social Security or Public Aid offers in terms of training programs, especially in phlebotomy. healthcare is still in my blood, and sometimes when i go thru my closet to look for something to wear to my doctor's appointments and i happen to see all my old scrubs sitting on hangers, now too small for my big ass, i have to be honest and say, i miss being a part of it -- mind you, NOT the craziness associated with working on a hectic unit like oncology, cardiology/telemetry or med-surg, but the phlebotomy side of it. i was good at reassuring even the most difficult patients that i wouldnt hurt them. to hear them say "wow, i didnt even feel it" used to give me a great deal of satisfaction, because i took what i did seriously and was pretty good at it.

*gasp* am i getting better? i must be, if i can sit here at this computer and be honest with myself and admit that i miss being a part of the healthcare team. but it's the honest-to-God truth. i truly do miss it.

and some kind of way, i'm gonna find my way back....but am i really ready to take that plunge? only time will tell, i suppose.