yeah you read right. i had to go to the post office yesterday, and didnt realize it was quite warm out, and i was wearing sweats and a leather jacket. i see why these fuckers are called sweats - i had a river pouring down my back, shit!
anyway. after i left the post office i caught the bus to 83rd street and got off. i walked to the Family Dollar store and went in to look around. of course when i had no money, i saw things i wanted: a cute long summer skirt and a pair of those "J-Lo" shades that were not only cute but only $5. there was no way i could use my "5-finger discount", so aimlessly i walked over to the computer that was in the store where one could fill out an application electronically. so i sat my little short fat ass in the plastic chair and began the application process for part-time work as a store clerk.
i dont know what made me do it - no that is a lie. i know what made me do it. i'm fucking tired of being fucking broke all the damn time. since Social Security stopped benefits for my daughter, i've been having a hell of a time keeping my head above water. once i take out $550 for my rent, shit aint much left. that's what made me sit down and patiently answer all the questions on the application. i dont care if it's minimum wage, as long as i dont go over the allotted amount i get every month, i can still work and still keep getting my disability.
the question is: am i REALLY ready to go back into the working world? do i have the patience to deal with people who may have attitudes? will i be able to keep my patience and not snap off on em or throw shit around? it was an impulsive move, and i didnt stop and think about it. so something must be nagging at me to finally get up offa my ass and do something.
i had been working since the age of 16, and there were some lean moments when i had to apply for Medicaid and whatnot, but then my momma was still living and i didnt have to worry about my daughter (the oldest one).
it's like deep down inside of me i want a job again, to feel productive and to give myself a sense of self-worth, and to be able to pay all my bills on time, and have at least a little something left for me. now, would i go back to the nursing field as a nurse assistant? HELL NO. that's what started the downward spiral. however, i still remember how to draw blood (phlebotomy), and truth be told, i miss that part of it -- the other parts, wiping asses and pulling heavy patients up in bed, again a resounding HELL NO. so who knows? there's a lot of these little storefront clinics in the neighborhood that have a blood drawing lab in 'em, so i might go and check around to see if they need help. at least my skills wont get rusty.
it's funny - you can take the nurse out of the hospital but you cant take the hospital out of the nurse LOL. it's all i've ever known for the last soon to be 12 years next month. i just dont want to deal with the shitty end of it or what i call "bedpan alley".
i dont wanna hafta to smell shit and piss and puke much less have to clean it. i dont wanna hafta pull circus-sized obese patients up in bed no more BY MYSELF and messing up my own body. i dont wanna hafta work crazy assed shifts and deal with bitch assed nurses who think it's the nurse assistant's job to do EVERYTHING and they not help, or constantly bug the fuck out of me about doing my job. i dont want that part of it no more. EVER.
if i could luck up on a neighborhood clinic or doctor's office, that would work for me. i aint gotta hear patients or their families bitch me out because their loved one has sat in a puddle of piss and shit since 2pm when i'm just starting my shift at 3pm. i just wanna be able to find a good vein on somebody, draw what labs the doc wants and send that patient on their merry way. is that too much to ask for? probably.
however, most of these clinics insist that the phlebotomists be certified, and i'm not. i'm hospital-trained, with 5 years experience under my belt. i'm gonna see what Social Security or Public Aid offers in terms of training programs, especially in phlebotomy. healthcare is still in my blood, and sometimes when i go thru my closet to look for something to wear to my doctor's appointments and i happen to see all my old scrubs sitting on hangers, now too small for my big ass, i have to be honest and say, i miss being a part of it -- mind you, NOT the craziness associated with working on a hectic unit like oncology, cardiology/telemetry or med-surg, but the phlebotomy side of it. i was good at reassuring even the most difficult patients that i wouldnt hurt them. to hear them say "wow, i didnt even feel it" used to give me a great deal of satisfaction, because i took what i did seriously and was pretty good at it.
*gasp* am i getting better? i must be, if i can sit here at this computer and be honest with myself and admit that i miss being a part of the healthcare team. but it's the honest-to-God truth. i truly do miss it.
and some kind of way, i'm gonna find my way back....but am i really ready to take that plunge? only time will tell, i suppose.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
holding back the tears
i'm sitting here at this computer thinking back to when i was a child. i suppose it has a lot to do with Mother's Day coming next month, and my mother being gone for close to 19 years.
i was an only child to my mother, yet the baby sister of my three siblings. i think of the things i went thru growing up - most of it extremely painful. i try not to linger in the painful part; yet, every now and again, my mind wanders into it.
my mother was a very fiesty, very short-tempered woman. one moment she could be laughing and joking, and the next moment, if she was angry, her words would cut like a two-edged sword, and she spoke Cuss fluently. when she got angry at me, oh my God. she'd find my weaknesses and hammer on them like a crazed construction worker. when she beat me, she had NO MERCY. none. whatever was handy at the moment, be it a book, a shoe, extension cord, wire hanger, or her hands and fists, my body was fair game. i remember her anger at me for taking too long getting ready for Sunday service. she threw a hardcover book at me which caught me in my right eye and turned black and blue. i had to go that Sunday with my eye all bruised and swollen and i dared not tell anybody how i got it, or else.
dont get me wrong, my mother had her good points...she was an excellent cook, she was extremely clean and kept our place spic-and-span, she knew how to sew, bake bread, and can fruits, vegetables and soups. she even taught home economics to the high school female students, and taught penmanship to the elementary and high school students at my school. it seemed like there was nothing she couldnt do -- except make me feel like she really loved me. i'm sure she did in her own way, but i used to wish that i could talk to her about anything and not get yelled at or cussed at. when i hit puberty, and got my first period at age 12, she basically told me about the menstrual cycle and that was it. talk about sex? OH HELL NO. why would i ask about that? it wasnt gonna happen as far as my mama was concerned. she didnt tell me what to expect if i liked a boy or a boy liked me, and most of the boys were too afraid of her to even think about liking me. in fact, i would get teased about it -- "ooh, i'm tellin' your mama on you" bla bla bla and once it got back to her, my ass was grass.
i used to get teased unmercifully about being shy, and about how my hair would be braided, and my head being slightly off. omigod, a lot of times i cried, which only fueled my tormentors even more. i've often wondered if i have slight brain damage because of my lopsided head.
anyways, i was about 5 years old when my mother was going thru "the change." i didnt know anything about it, only it seemed that she was meaner than ever. i remember her being really angry at me for something and she made me pack my clothes into two brown shopping bags and told me she didnt want me no more, and to get the hell out of her house. i started to cry, wondering howcome Mama dont want me no more, and when she heard me crying, she came into my room and screamed at me to shut up and get out. i cried even harder, because i felt like Mama hated me. she stood there and watched me put my things into the bags, and still crying, i dared to ask, where am i gonna go Mama? to which she snapped, i dont give a damn, go live with your auntie, just get out! i cried til i felt like my soul would burst, i was so hurt. i'm 5 years old -- where was i gonna go? how would i get there? why does Mama hate me so much? i thought as i sat outside the door on the carpeted steps outside our apartment still crying my eyes out.
i had no idea that "the change" was making her so mean. i was a little girl, so what did i know? anyways, after what seemed to be hours, Mama opened the door and with tears in her eyes, told me to come back in and said how sorry she was for how she treated me. i cried even harder. remembering all of this has started the tears flowing as i type these words.....excuse me for a sec.....
*taking a deep breath* childhood wasnt an easy time for me. whatever some hateful old sister in the Mosque told my mother about me allegedly "acting up" she believed it without question and i got the beating of my life about it when i got home. she took off her shoe, and started beating me upside my head, my face, my body. i cried helplessly saying 'i wont do it no more mama! i'm sorry!' but my cries fell on deaf ears. i was crying so loud she put a pillow over my face and almost smothered me to death.
i once thought i could fight my Mama to stop her from whuppin my ass. big mistake. it only enraged her more and she threw me upside the wall and slapped the shit outta me. still angry i yelled at her "i hate you! drop dead!" what did i say that for? the only thing i remember is waking up in my bed and feeling sore all over. plus my head hurt.
then one day me and this other little girl were playing at the clothing factory where our mothers worked. this girl kept on teasing me about candy, and i kept telling her i was not allowed to eat candy. anyways, the girl gave me some of it and said, i wont tell your mama. of course she lied. she told my mother, and my mother was livid with rage. once we got to our apartment, she kept shoving me up the steps, snapping and cussing about how she was gonna half-kill me that night. and she did.
i was trying to vacuum the carpet, and out of nowhere my mother grabbed me up in my collar, slappin me hard and yelling at the top of her lungs. then she picked up this old butcher's knife and backed me into a corner with it, looking at me with eyes of pure rage, and told me "i oughta cut your goddamn head off" as i felt the blade digging into my throat. i was crying and screaming, "mama, please please dont kill me, please!!!!" i swear, i never saw such rabid, feral rage in anyone's eyes like that and still crying and pleading for my life, i pissed myself. finally she threw the knife into the sink and told me to get the fuck out of her face, and slapped me so hard my head hurt.
i ran into my room bawling my eyes out. i had never been so afraid in all my life. i couldnt even sleep that night, i was so terrified that she'd come in my room and hack me to death. so talk about having the piss scared out of you, that was me. i was about 9 years old, i think.
the first time i talked about the abuse i suffered as a child, i cried like someone had ripped my heart out. i sat in the chair and held myself as i cried. having suppressed all of those memories, i couldnt hold back the tears no longer. it still haunts me to this day.
i have to go now....i feel the tears starting up again...
i was an only child to my mother, yet the baby sister of my three siblings. i think of the things i went thru growing up - most of it extremely painful. i try not to linger in the painful part; yet, every now and again, my mind wanders into it.
my mother was a very fiesty, very short-tempered woman. one moment she could be laughing and joking, and the next moment, if she was angry, her words would cut like a two-edged sword, and she spoke Cuss fluently. when she got angry at me, oh my God. she'd find my weaknesses and hammer on them like a crazed construction worker. when she beat me, she had NO MERCY. none. whatever was handy at the moment, be it a book, a shoe, extension cord, wire hanger, or her hands and fists, my body was fair game. i remember her anger at me for taking too long getting ready for Sunday service. she threw a hardcover book at me which caught me in my right eye and turned black and blue. i had to go that Sunday with my eye all bruised and swollen and i dared not tell anybody how i got it, or else.
dont get me wrong, my mother had her good points...she was an excellent cook, she was extremely clean and kept our place spic-and-span, she knew how to sew, bake bread, and can fruits, vegetables and soups. she even taught home economics to the high school female students, and taught penmanship to the elementary and high school students at my school. it seemed like there was nothing she couldnt do -- except make me feel like she really loved me. i'm sure she did in her own way, but i used to wish that i could talk to her about anything and not get yelled at or cussed at. when i hit puberty, and got my first period at age 12, she basically told me about the menstrual cycle and that was it. talk about sex? OH HELL NO. why would i ask about that? it wasnt gonna happen as far as my mama was concerned. she didnt tell me what to expect if i liked a boy or a boy liked me, and most of the boys were too afraid of her to even think about liking me. in fact, i would get teased about it -- "ooh, i'm tellin' your mama on you" bla bla bla and once it got back to her, my ass was grass.
i used to get teased unmercifully about being shy, and about how my hair would be braided, and my head being slightly off. omigod, a lot of times i cried, which only fueled my tormentors even more. i've often wondered if i have slight brain damage because of my lopsided head.
anyways, i was about 5 years old when my mother was going thru "the change." i didnt know anything about it, only it seemed that she was meaner than ever. i remember her being really angry at me for something and she made me pack my clothes into two brown shopping bags and told me she didnt want me no more, and to get the hell out of her house. i started to cry, wondering howcome Mama dont want me no more, and when she heard me crying, she came into my room and screamed at me to shut up and get out. i cried even harder, because i felt like Mama hated me. she stood there and watched me put my things into the bags, and still crying, i dared to ask, where am i gonna go Mama? to which she snapped, i dont give a damn, go live with your auntie, just get out! i cried til i felt like my soul would burst, i was so hurt. i'm 5 years old -- where was i gonna go? how would i get there? why does Mama hate me so much? i thought as i sat outside the door on the carpeted steps outside our apartment still crying my eyes out.
i had no idea that "the change" was making her so mean. i was a little girl, so what did i know? anyways, after what seemed to be hours, Mama opened the door and with tears in her eyes, told me to come back in and said how sorry she was for how she treated me. i cried even harder. remembering all of this has started the tears flowing as i type these words.....excuse me for a sec.....
*taking a deep breath* childhood wasnt an easy time for me. whatever some hateful old sister in the Mosque told my mother about me allegedly "acting up" she believed it without question and i got the beating of my life about it when i got home. she took off her shoe, and started beating me upside my head, my face, my body. i cried helplessly saying 'i wont do it no more mama! i'm sorry!' but my cries fell on deaf ears. i was crying so loud she put a pillow over my face and almost smothered me to death.
i once thought i could fight my Mama to stop her from whuppin my ass. big mistake. it only enraged her more and she threw me upside the wall and slapped the shit outta me. still angry i yelled at her "i hate you! drop dead!" what did i say that for? the only thing i remember is waking up in my bed and feeling sore all over. plus my head hurt.
then one day me and this other little girl were playing at the clothing factory where our mothers worked. this girl kept on teasing me about candy, and i kept telling her i was not allowed to eat candy. anyways, the girl gave me some of it and said, i wont tell your mama. of course she lied. she told my mother, and my mother was livid with rage. once we got to our apartment, she kept shoving me up the steps, snapping and cussing about how she was gonna half-kill me that night. and she did.
i was trying to vacuum the carpet, and out of nowhere my mother grabbed me up in my collar, slappin me hard and yelling at the top of her lungs. then she picked up this old butcher's knife and backed me into a corner with it, looking at me with eyes of pure rage, and told me "i oughta cut your goddamn head off" as i felt the blade digging into my throat. i was crying and screaming, "mama, please please dont kill me, please!!!!" i swear, i never saw such rabid, feral rage in anyone's eyes like that and still crying and pleading for my life, i pissed myself. finally she threw the knife into the sink and told me to get the fuck out of her face, and slapped me so hard my head hurt.
i ran into my room bawling my eyes out. i had never been so afraid in all my life. i couldnt even sleep that night, i was so terrified that she'd come in my room and hack me to death. so talk about having the piss scared out of you, that was me. i was about 9 years old, i think.
the first time i talked about the abuse i suffered as a child, i cried like someone had ripped my heart out. i sat in the chair and held myself as i cried. having suppressed all of those memories, i couldnt hold back the tears no longer. it still haunts me to this day.
i have to go now....i feel the tears starting up again...
there's no place like home
*yawn* i am tired today. after that little excursion from yesterday, i'm still tired, and to make it worse, i woke up TOO DAMN EARLY!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i called the station and told them i wouldnt be able to make it today. after i took my meds last night, i got dizzy and i knew if i kept standing up, i was liable to hit the floor. so as soon as my head landed on my pillow, i was O-U-T.
i guess when some of us who are battling our respective illnesses and who have isolated ourselves from the outside, when we DO find the energy to actually venture out, we tend to get tired more easily, at least i do. even when i have to go out, for doctor appointments, or grocery shopping, and going to pay my rent, by the time i get home, i am truly wiped out. for real. I. AM. EXHAUSTED.
reconnecting with the outside world aint easy when you've decided that unless absolutely necessary, you wont leave your house because just the thought of having to shower/bathe, brush teeth, put on clothes makes you want to crawl back into bed and sleep all day.
now i know y'all are saying, "hey, quit making excuses and get up offa your big ass and get out there!" well, i'm taking baby steps ok? to do too much all in one day gets me overwhelmed , and makes me stay in my shell. and i know some of y'all know what i'm talking about. sometimes just the thought itself will make you TIRED.
when i reflect back on how i once was, it kinda depresses me. there was a time when the weekend came, i would be gettin' myself all cute so i could hang out with my godson, dance my ass off and just clown all night long. i was practically NEVER at home come the weekends.
there was one Friday night one of my co-workers had a birthday and she wanted to go out after work. i told her about the spot where my godson DJ'd, and after we punched out, we split up in different cars and headed to the spot. she had a blast, and so did the rest of us. i didnt have any $$$ to give her, so i decided that she should celebrate her birthday at the club. she was overjoyed at the fact, and so there it was. she and her boyfriend went in one car, and me and my other homegirls followed behind.
once we got there, the other two ladies were kinda quiet, and just took it all in, but me and the birthday girl was dancin' and shakin' our groove thangs and havin a ball. i even had my godson to announce her birthday and that the nurses from Mercy Hospital were in the house that night, which had the rest of the crowd whoopin' and hollerin LOL ah, good times.
well i guess i wont be going down to the station tomorrow, cuz the lady called me a few minutes ago and said she didnt need me for the 3pm-4pm slot tomorrow. *whew* i'm glad actually. i still need time to recuperate from yesterday. plus, my right knee is aching something fierce, so i'm gonna chill.
after all, there's no place like home.
i guess when some of us who are battling our respective illnesses and who have isolated ourselves from the outside, when we DO find the energy to actually venture out, we tend to get tired more easily, at least i do. even when i have to go out, for doctor appointments, or grocery shopping, and going to pay my rent, by the time i get home, i am truly wiped out. for real. I. AM. EXHAUSTED.
reconnecting with the outside world aint easy when you've decided that unless absolutely necessary, you wont leave your house because just the thought of having to shower/bathe, brush teeth, put on clothes makes you want to crawl back into bed and sleep all day.
now i know y'all are saying, "hey, quit making excuses and get up offa your big ass and get out there!" well, i'm taking baby steps ok? to do too much all in one day gets me overwhelmed , and makes me stay in my shell. and i know some of y'all know what i'm talking about. sometimes just the thought itself will make you TIRED.
when i reflect back on how i once was, it kinda depresses me. there was a time when the weekend came, i would be gettin' myself all cute so i could hang out with my godson, dance my ass off and just clown all night long. i was practically NEVER at home come the weekends.
there was one Friday night one of my co-workers had a birthday and she wanted to go out after work. i told her about the spot where my godson DJ'd, and after we punched out, we split up in different cars and headed to the spot. she had a blast, and so did the rest of us. i didnt have any $$$ to give her, so i decided that she should celebrate her birthday at the club. she was overjoyed at the fact, and so there it was. she and her boyfriend went in one car, and me and my other homegirls followed behind.
once we got there, the other two ladies were kinda quiet, and just took it all in, but me and the birthday girl was dancin' and shakin' our groove thangs and havin a ball. i even had my godson to announce her birthday and that the nurses from Mercy Hospital were in the house that night, which had the rest of the crowd whoopin' and hollerin LOL ah, good times.
well i guess i wont be going down to the station tomorrow, cuz the lady called me a few minutes ago and said she didnt need me for the 3pm-4pm slot tomorrow. *whew* i'm glad actually. i still need time to recuperate from yesterday. plus, my right knee is aching something fierce, so i'm gonna chill.
after all, there's no place like home.
Monday, April 17, 2006
gradually coming out of hiding
that's right...i'm gradually coming out of hiding. i got up this morning, saw it was a nice (yet windy) day and took a ride up to the strip mall near where i live. didnt buy anything (ha, no $$$), but i did "window shop". i went to Ashley Stewart to see what kind of spring/summer clothes they had; pfft, i didnt see anything that caught my eye. left there and walked around the corner to Lane Bryant. again, pffft! didnt see nothing there either. walked further down to the beauty supply store, and just looked around. they've improved and expanded where they have a lot more stuff, and there is a hair salon in the back of the place. luckily i cut my own hair, so that saves me a lot of money.
i must say it was kinda nice to just take in the weather and casually stroll (albeit slowly) thru the mall and then get back on the bus to go home.
i think i'm going to keep doing that more often.
i must say it was kinda nice to just take in the weather and casually stroll (albeit slowly) thru the mall and then get back on the bus to go home.
i think i'm going to keep doing that more often.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
state of shock
i just recently found out over on Stephanie's blog, Mystickal Incense that i was the prize winner of her "Gay Dinosaur Poetry Contest" omg....i am still in a state of shock because i've never won anything in my life! she's sending me a box of goodies from her Mystickal Incense and More store.
i give the credit to MrsHellOnHeels for introducing me to Stephanie's blog, and also for MrsHOH's generosity in having Stephanie re-design my blog, which i absolutely LOVE. thank you all for the kind compliments on the design.
i am truly humbled, and i cant stop saying "thank you" enough to MrsHOH and Stephanie. you ladies rock! *smile*
i give the credit to MrsHellOnHeels for introducing me to Stephanie's blog, and also for MrsHOH's generosity in having Stephanie re-design my blog, which i absolutely LOVE. thank you all for the kind compliments on the design.
i am truly humbled, and i cant stop saying "thank you" enough to MrsHOH and Stephanie. you ladies rock! *smile*
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
mike check...testing testing one two....
today i had an "audition" for this radio station that is for people who are blind or visually impaired. it's a volunteer on-air reading of newspaper articles, magazine articles and books. the name of the station is called CRIS Radio and they are affiliated with the Chicago Lighthouse for the Blind and Visually Impaired.
i used to be a pretty frequent reader, and i enjoyed reading aloud. however, once i was diagnosed with my illnesses, i gave it up, because i had no interest in anything i enjoyed anymore. now i find myself gradually regaining my enjoyment of the things i kicked to the curb, and since the weather is becoming more favorable, i think i will be getting out a lot more. i also got Paratransit certified from our transit company, the Chicago Transit Authority. the Paratransit Program is for disabled individuals who are otherwise unable to take the buses or the "El." you call and schedule a ride and a van with a wheelchair lift or ramp or car/taxi will pick you up and take you wherever you want to go for a $1.75, which can be paid in cash, or with the CTA's Full Fare Transit Cards, which come in a pack of 20 for $15.00. i got my certification letter in the mail with my ID number and should be getting my picture ID within 7-10 days. the picture ID has the ADA Paratransit Service logo as well as my ID number, and on my good days, i can still use it along with the transit cards or 30-day Reduced Fare Pass on fixed bus/"El" trains.
but i digress. the "audition" only took like, 15 minutes, where i had to read a list of "difficult" or words that are commonly mispronounced, and then a short paragraph of a newspaper clipping, to test enunciation, diction and clarity. afterwards, i got to schedule days to read. i chose Tuesday, April 18 from 2pm to 3pm, and Wednesday April 19 from 3pm to 4pm. i'm gonna try to commit to my schedule as i can, and the good thing about this station is that it's serving a good purpose for visually disabled people, or disabled folks who are shut-in and are not able to purchase newspapers or magazines. so i feel pretty good about this. it's a no-stress atmosphere, and one doesnt have to be experienced in radio to do it.
the station is also simulcast on our local public cable channels, and also on the Chicago Lighthouse's web page i've listed below:
i used to be a pretty frequent reader, and i enjoyed reading aloud. however, once i was diagnosed with my illnesses, i gave it up, because i had no interest in anything i enjoyed anymore. now i find myself gradually regaining my enjoyment of the things i kicked to the curb, and since the weather is becoming more favorable, i think i will be getting out a lot more. i also got Paratransit certified from our transit company, the Chicago Transit Authority. the Paratransit Program is for disabled individuals who are otherwise unable to take the buses or the "El." you call and schedule a ride and a van with a wheelchair lift or ramp or car/taxi will pick you up and take you wherever you want to go for a $1.75, which can be paid in cash, or with the CTA's Full Fare Transit Cards, which come in a pack of 20 for $15.00. i got my certification letter in the mail with my ID number and should be getting my picture ID within 7-10 days. the picture ID has the ADA Paratransit Service logo as well as my ID number, and on my good days, i can still use it along with the transit cards or 30-day Reduced Fare Pass on fixed bus/"El" trains.
but i digress. the "audition" only took like, 15 minutes, where i had to read a list of "difficult" or words that are commonly mispronounced, and then a short paragraph of a newspaper clipping, to test enunciation, diction and clarity. afterwards, i got to schedule days to read. i chose Tuesday, April 18 from 2pm to 3pm, and Wednesday April 19 from 3pm to 4pm. i'm gonna try to commit to my schedule as i can, and the good thing about this station is that it's serving a good purpose for visually disabled people, or disabled folks who are shut-in and are not able to purchase newspapers or magazines. so i feel pretty good about this. it's a no-stress atmosphere, and one doesnt have to be experienced in radio to do it.
the station is also simulcast on our local public cable channels, and also on the Chicago Lighthouse's web page i've listed below:
this organization gives blind or visually impaired individuals a chance to live independently and provide them with visual assistance devices, such as special radios that pick up the CRIS signal, and other things. feel free to visit the website for even more information if you like.
anyways, that's the 4-1-1 for now. i am pooped and am going to lie down for awhile. peace.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Friday, April 07, 2006
still crazy after all these years
yesterday i was surfing the 'Net and was kinda bored, and a fella i went to school with was on my mind. i did a Google search and his name popped up.
i remember back in the day when i was a solemn teenage girl of 16, i used to be crazy about him. he was so fine, lawdhammurcy. he was brown skinned, wavy haired, and had the softest lips.
time passed and the last time i spoke to him was in 1980, a year after my oldest was born. he had moved to Mississippi where his mother lived, and he would always tease me about never smiling when i was in high school. plus he's a big ole flirt anyhow, and when i called him yesterday, man, we talked for like 3 hours, catching up on the times that have passed since we last spoke. he's married with 7 (yep you read it right - 7) children and the youngest is a year old. but then multiple kids run in his family. he's a councilman for the city of Columbus, Miss'sippi and also active in politics and ministry.
when i called, i was kinda skeptical about how our conversation was gonna flow, with him bein' a minister and all, and i thought, aw shit, i hope this cat dont be judging me and givin me hellfire and damnation, cuz i will just hang up and pretend i never called. but, i was pleasantly surprised when we got to talking and noticed that he still was a notorious flirt, and some of our conversation got a lil, um shall we say, naughty LOL
but it was fun cuz i was flirtin' right back at him and even read him some of my more erotic poetry. i think he got quite hot from me reading 'em and i kinda got a little heated m'self LOL
he said he was coming to Chicago around June of this year because his brother is having some kind of cardiac procedure at of all places Mercy Hospital (where i used to work). sometimes i think he's just being mannish cuz he has a kind of wicked laugh that kinda eases its way thru my body, like it did yesterday.
*shaking head and smiling* still crazy after all these years.
i remember back in the day when i was a solemn teenage girl of 16, i used to be crazy about him. he was so fine, lawdhammurcy. he was brown skinned, wavy haired, and had the softest lips.
time passed and the last time i spoke to him was in 1980, a year after my oldest was born. he had moved to Mississippi where his mother lived, and he would always tease me about never smiling when i was in high school. plus he's a big ole flirt anyhow, and when i called him yesterday, man, we talked for like 3 hours, catching up on the times that have passed since we last spoke. he's married with 7 (yep you read it right - 7) children and the youngest is a year old. but then multiple kids run in his family. he's a councilman for the city of Columbus, Miss'sippi and also active in politics and ministry.
when i called, i was kinda skeptical about how our conversation was gonna flow, with him bein' a minister and all, and i thought, aw shit, i hope this cat dont be judging me and givin me hellfire and damnation, cuz i will just hang up and pretend i never called. but, i was pleasantly surprised when we got to talking and noticed that he still was a notorious flirt, and some of our conversation got a lil, um shall we say, naughty LOL
but it was fun cuz i was flirtin' right back at him and even read him some of my more erotic poetry. i think he got quite hot from me reading 'em and i kinda got a little heated m'self LOL
he said he was coming to Chicago around June of this year because his brother is having some kind of cardiac procedure at of all places Mercy Hospital (where i used to work). sometimes i think he's just being mannish cuz he has a kind of wicked laugh that kinda eases its way thru my body, like it did yesterday.
*shaking head and smiling* still crazy after all these years.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide
strange. i've only been back online for two days and i feel like hiding again. i have a desktop notepad journal with the same title as this blog, and had been writing in it while i was disconnected from the internet. it seemed like my writing came with a natural flow, where i could be as raw and as deep as i wanted.
maybe it's because nobody was reading it but me. not that i dont enjoy writing my thoughts and feelings out here, but in a way it's like, well, work.
sometimes i feel like what i write here makes no sense, or just a bunch of jumbled, scattered thoughts injected with wry humor at times. sometimes i feel like a blithering, blathering, whining old bag about my aches and pains, perimenopausal symptoms, and other scrambled, random shit. *sigh*
here it is 12:30 in the morning and i'm sitting here on my big fat ass typing shit i that i havent the slightest idea what it's about. maybe it's the meds; maybe it's just me, i dunno. i visit other blogs and they seem so much more interesting than mine. tho i love the new design of the blog, deep down inside i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and running away.
maybe i'm still stressed out from being on the go all last week. last Tuesday i was in the ER with my daughter who was having abdominal pain, and we were there a good six and a half hours. then i was on the go again the next day, going to the store to get some food and some $$$ from people i knew, then again the next day, same thing, then this past Saturday having to go grocery shopping only to find the store with wall-to-wall shoppers because we all get our food stamps on the first of the month, and everybody's trying to stock up with food to last until the 1st of next month.
and this is weird: i bought $192 worth of groceries, and it seems all i wanna eat is junk food - i bought some blue corn tortilla chips which were quite good, some of those "fun size" candies like Milky Ways, Snickers and Reese's cups. mind you i did buy actual food, but it's the sugar and salt cravings that have been fueling my gluttony.
i have loads of chicken, some steaks, greens, canned goods and other stuff. i even bought some EVOO (extra-virgin olive oil - i am a huge fan of Rachael Ray's "30 Minute Meals" show on the Food Channel) and some balsamic vinegar too. from watching shows like hers i mentally pick up cooking tips, and i decided to keep some E.V.O.O and balsamic vinegar on hand to make vinagrettes, or cook shrimp in the olive oil. but here's the thing -- i dont wanna cook! maybe cuz i cooked three days in a row and i just aint got the energy to be slingin pots and pans. i bought some prewashed mustard greens and i know if i dont cook 'em soon, they're gonna wilt and go bad. i have a lot of dinner ideas in my head, but when it comes to executing those ideas, the desire fizzles out.
and, here of late i have been glued to the Food Channel for some reason. as mentioned before, i love Rachael Ray, but i also love Paula Deen's "suhthun" cooking show, Iron Chef America, and quite a few others. maybe it's just watching them cook holds my attention and fascination or something, shit i dont know.
i dont know what's going on with me. i still feel like running away but it's kinda hard when there's nowhere to run to and nowhere to hide.
oh well. lemme find my bag of cheese tortilla chips...
maybe it's because nobody was reading it but me. not that i dont enjoy writing my thoughts and feelings out here, but in a way it's like, well, work.
sometimes i feel like what i write here makes no sense, or just a bunch of jumbled, scattered thoughts injected with wry humor at times. sometimes i feel like a blithering, blathering, whining old bag about my aches and pains, perimenopausal symptoms, and other scrambled, random shit. *sigh*
here it is 12:30 in the morning and i'm sitting here on my big fat ass typing shit i that i havent the slightest idea what it's about. maybe it's the meds; maybe it's just me, i dunno. i visit other blogs and they seem so much more interesting than mine. tho i love the new design of the blog, deep down inside i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and running away.
maybe i'm still stressed out from being on the go all last week. last Tuesday i was in the ER with my daughter who was having abdominal pain, and we were there a good six and a half hours. then i was on the go again the next day, going to the store to get some food and some $$$ from people i knew, then again the next day, same thing, then this past Saturday having to go grocery shopping only to find the store with wall-to-wall shoppers because we all get our food stamps on the first of the month, and everybody's trying to stock up with food to last until the 1st of next month.
and this is weird: i bought $192 worth of groceries, and it seems all i wanna eat is junk food - i bought some blue corn tortilla chips which were quite good, some of those "fun size" candies like Milky Ways, Snickers and Reese's cups. mind you i did buy actual food, but it's the sugar and salt cravings that have been fueling my gluttony.
i have loads of chicken, some steaks, greens, canned goods and other stuff. i even bought some EVOO (extra-virgin olive oil - i am a huge fan of Rachael Ray's "30 Minute Meals" show on the Food Channel) and some balsamic vinegar too. from watching shows like hers i mentally pick up cooking tips, and i decided to keep some E.V.O.O and balsamic vinegar on hand to make vinagrettes, or cook shrimp in the olive oil. but here's the thing -- i dont wanna cook! maybe cuz i cooked three days in a row and i just aint got the energy to be slingin pots and pans. i bought some prewashed mustard greens and i know if i dont cook 'em soon, they're gonna wilt and go bad. i have a lot of dinner ideas in my head, but when it comes to executing those ideas, the desire fizzles out.
and, here of late i have been glued to the Food Channel for some reason. as mentioned before, i love Rachael Ray, but i also love Paula Deen's "suhthun" cooking show, Iron Chef America, and quite a few others. maybe it's just watching them cook holds my attention and fascination or something, shit i dont know.
i dont know what's going on with me. i still feel like running away but it's kinda hard when there's nowhere to run to and nowhere to hide.
oh well. lemme find my bag of cheese tortilla chips...
living in confusion
that's about right. i am living in confusion. sometimes i dont know up from down, right from left, this or that. it's real fucked up when one is in that state (you might say a "blue" state...okay, that was a lame attempt at humor and it bombed, sue me)
even though here of late, i've been getting out more, and doing things i need to do and energy to do them (i guess thanks to the iron pills), i still feel like i'm going nowhere fast. i've made some changes; i opened a new bank account with a different bank, i FINALLY stopped talking to the homophobe bitch, and trying to do what i can as far as keeping my family's head above water. that should make me feel good, right?
*sigh* it's like i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop yanno? to some of y'all, those accomplishments sound great; however, to me it's like i'm on autopilot or something. i dunno...maybe that's a good thing, then again, maybe it's not.
so what is the problem? hell if i know. i just feel confused, discombobulated, like i'm not in my body or some shit like that.
maybe one day i'll figure it out...
even though here of late, i've been getting out more, and doing things i need to do and energy to do them (i guess thanks to the iron pills), i still feel like i'm going nowhere fast. i've made some changes; i opened a new bank account with a different bank, i FINALLY stopped talking to the homophobe bitch, and trying to do what i can as far as keeping my family's head above water. that should make me feel good, right?
*sigh* it's like i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop yanno? to some of y'all, those accomplishments sound great; however, to me it's like i'm on autopilot or something. i dunno...maybe that's a good thing, then again, maybe it's not.
so what is the problem? hell if i know. i just feel confused, discombobulated, like i'm not in my body or some shit like that.
maybe one day i'll figure it out...
junkfood junkie
i went grocery shopping this past Saturday because my cupboard was totally bare, and i got tired of seeing the one mouse that occasionally scurries thru my kitchen holding a picket sign with his union number saying "cruel and unusual torture! where the fuck is the food!"
i bought the usual things, but for some reason i wanted to just pig out on junkfood,i.e., potato chips, cheesy poufs (ala "South Park" LOL), nachos and candy. i know i'm not due for my period anytime soon, and i have enough stuff to make a decent dinner, but right now junkfood is my friend. i mean, i have chicken wings, boneless/skinless chicken breasts, and other stuff; yet my cravings for this non-nutritive stuff is gettin outta control (damn you Seroquel GRRRRRRR)
makes me think of the song "Pusher Man" from the movie "Super Fly" only i've changed the words around and called it "Junk Food Man." dig it....
i'm yo mama
i'm yo daddy
i'm that sto'
'cross the alley
i got what you need
chips or candy
nachos
wit da cheese
you kno' me
i'm yo friend
i'm yo buddy
to da end
i'm yo
junkfood man..."
this is a damn shame. i'm already big as a fuckin' house, yet all i wanna do is just gobble down chips, sammiches (peanut butter, salami and cheese) and nothing else. this is sick i know, to have weird cravings for nothin' but junk food (and FYI: NO I AM NOT PREGNANT!) *ahem*
now then. i was wondering if anyone else have had these cravings for only junk food....or am i just a lazy, fat douchebag who should go on a fucking diet? inquirin' minds wanna know.
meanwhile i'm going to eat one of my Reese's cups...
i bought the usual things, but for some reason i wanted to just pig out on junkfood,i.e., potato chips, cheesy poufs (ala "South Park" LOL), nachos and candy. i know i'm not due for my period anytime soon, and i have enough stuff to make a decent dinner, but right now junkfood is my friend. i mean, i have chicken wings, boneless/skinless chicken breasts, and other stuff; yet my cravings for this non-nutritive stuff is gettin outta control (damn you Seroquel GRRRRRRR)
makes me think of the song "Pusher Man" from the movie "Super Fly" only i've changed the words around and called it "Junk Food Man." dig it....
i'm yo mama
i'm yo daddy
i'm that sto'
'cross the alley
i got what you need
chips or candy
nachos
wit da cheese
you kno' me
i'm yo friend
i'm yo buddy
to da end
i'm yo
junkfood man..."
this is a damn shame. i'm already big as a fuckin' house, yet all i wanna do is just gobble down chips, sammiches (peanut butter, salami and cheese) and nothing else. this is sick i know, to have weird cravings for nothin' but junk food (and FYI: NO I AM NOT PREGNANT!) *ahem*
now then. i was wondering if anyone else have had these cravings for only junk food....or am i just a lazy, fat douchebag who should go on a fucking diet? inquirin' minds wanna know.
meanwhile i'm going to eat one of my Reese's cups...
Monday, April 03, 2006
"Bloggus Interruptus"
hey everybody! i am SOOOO glad to be back online with my favorite people...the Blog Posse *grins* i have missed y'all soooooo much!!!!
unfortunately i was suffering from "bloggus interruptus" because -- well let's just say i had a bit of a snafu with my cable/internet bill. but it's been taken care of as of a few minutes ago, and hey, i'm back online!
again, many many many thanks to Bug (MrsHOH) for her wonderful gift to me. i am truly touched and humbled. i love you Bug! also to Stephanie (Mystickal Incense) for her talents in redesigning my blog. i thank you so much hon! Hugs!! (((((((((((((((Bug & Stephanie))))))))))
to the rest of the Posse....i'm glad we're friends and i'm glad to be back *smile*
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