i saw my T this past Friday and i told him about how i've been doing some self-sabotaging behaviors with myself lately. i've been writing "floating" checks because i needed food, buying stuff from catalogs on "deferred" payment plans, knowing full well i dont have that kind of money, but i guess i was doing these things to fill the void of loneliness and wanting to "do something to make myself feel better" and instead i've put myself in an uggggggggggggggly financial hole. my checking account is HORRIBLY overdrawn *cough $202* *hangs head in shame*, and since i dont get a check for my youngest daughter along with my check for disability no more, it's been rough. i feel like stir-fried shit now.
it's like once i begin to feel better, my mind gets restless (and getting a slew of catalogs with stuff in them i like dont help it none), and when i look in the catalogs, of course i'mma see something i like and it's like i'm a junkie with a bad jones...i gotta have that particular item -- especially if it has animal print. i've already "defer billed" a pair of leopard print boots, a pair of leopard print wedgie sandals--god, i am so damn stupid stupid stupid! i was in this same predicament three years ago - though i wasnt buying clothes or shoes, i was working, but i was on a unpaid medical leave that left me with bills up my ass and being almost kicked out of my apartment. it's like--i'm afraid of getting well, because i dont know how to handle it and since i've been miserable for the most part of my life, i set out and do things that i know will fuck me up -- especially in my wallet. if that aint self-sabotage i dont know what is. it's like i feel that i dont deserve to be happy, so i do shit that makes me miserable so that i have a reason to feel miserable. shit, i dont even know if this makes any sense at all...all i can hear in my head is my mama berating me for being a "spendthrift" and she's right.
before the change in finances, i was getting good at keeping track of what i spent and hardly writing any checks at all, because i paid my utility bills (light, gas, phone) online, and also my credit card bill, and cable bill. rent was paid on time in full, and whatever i had left over, i sometimes "treated" myself by buying something insignificant like a cheap pair of silver earrings that costed a dollar, or a favorite lipstick. i used to be so proud of the fact that my checkbook register balanced with my online statement most of the time. now....because my finances have changed, i have found myself becoming more and more careless with my spending. and to make matters worse, i took out a payday loan -- which was included in my bankruptcy filing three years ago, because i was taking payday loans out damn near all over my neighborhood.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? why am i so afraid of trying to stay stable and well? why do i do these things to myself? answer: i dont like myself. i hate me. i dont feel like im worthy of being "well" and "normal" so i go back to the place where i am comfortable, and that is up to my ass in debt and once again being near the point of eviction because i owe the remainder of my rent, altho thank God my daughter came thru with that for me, but i dont like having to ask her for help because she has her own life and she isnt responsible for me-- i am.
responsible? yeah right. i'm a worthless, irresponsible, stupid cow. i'm today's recipient of the "Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief" award, and i rightly deserve it.
i hate me.
5 comments:
Miz Thang!
I can relate to what you are saying sooo well.
I had to file bankruptcy 2 years ago because I charged up so much crap that I didn't really need but desperately wanted!
It's embarassing, but hey, ya can't help anybody unless you are honest, right?!
I think people like us do this because we feel empty.
We need to fill that emptyness with something - and heck, a new outfit usually does the trick (for a short period of time, anyway!)
When you are sad, you NEED something in your life that gives you some happiness.
Unfortunately, this can be a problem in the end.
I wish I had the answers to this problem (since I have it too sometimes!) but I don't.
*BIG HUG* Don't be too hard on yourself girl. You are not TRYING to be bad with your finances, you are just trying to give yourself a little cheer and joy... which is something all human beings need.
I'll just pray for you that somehow you will be able to find that happiness in something other than an animal print thingamabob! haha.
If you ever need support or cheer, I'm here girl. You have my address and my email.
I think people can get addicted to buying stuff just like any other addiction, and it's normal to want to spend when you don't have the money...The library is free, but sometimes I can buy a good book for a dime there (or at a used book store)That way I can buy something for cheap, (and get my spending fix.) that lasts a long time if I read it slow. And it keeps me occupied and away from the catalogs. And when I am angry, I can hold it up and punch it without hurting my knuckles too much. (if it's a softback.)
Anyway, I hope your situation improves and you feel better about stuff. Leopard boots? Well, I can't talk, when I lost a job a few years back, I went out and bought a pair of cowboy boots I did not need or could not afford...Made me feel better though.
Puleese. You are not an irresponsible stupid cow. Stable is not an easy place to be. Sometimes you can call the red cross or some other crisis intervention and see if they would be able to help get this taken care of. You are not a Katrina survivor You are a Genelle survivor. You are going to have storms and you are going to be victorious. Please cheer up. and thanks for being there when I called you the other day. You helped me more than you know.
As far as animal print goes... it's like a drug to me too. it calls to me.... I have a whole jungle room and my bedroom is nothingbut leopard sheers and stuff...
I can relate to the spending...
Colleen: thank you for the hugs babe and the kind words of encouragement. and u are right, getting something new does seem to fill that "empty" place within, so thank you again and again - you are a sweetheart ((((((((Colleen)))))
Vince: as always i love when you post to my blog. thanks for the encouragement ((((((((Vince)))))))))
Sandi: LMAO! thank you girl, i truly appreciate your kind words and our friendship.
i dont know what it is about animal print, but it just seems to "sang" to me and i'm like a hype wit a bad jones...i gotta have it lol. glad i'm not alone on this one!
Maggs: thank you. i'm glad i'm not alone.
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