memories of "Bedpan Alley" - thank God it's over for me

monday. such a fucked-up day to start a week on. there's been songs about mondays: "Manic Monday", "Monday, Monday". *sigh*. i used to dread going back to work after having my weekend off, because i knew i was gonna catch hell with admissions, transfers and discharges of patients on my unit (Telemetry and Cardiac Care).

i worked the 3-11 shift and most of the time when it was time to swipe my ID and sign in, i was already in attitude mode. all i wanted to do was get my patient assignment, get my supplies that i needed (butterfly needles, alcohol swabs, blood tubes, band-aids), grab the pulse oximetry machine, get report from the day nurses or clinical partners (FYI: CNA with crosstraining in phlebotomy (blood drawing) and performing EKGs) and get started taking vital signs, getting fresh water for my patients, and putting extra fitted sheets, drawsheets, full sheets, pillowcases, blankets, Chux (them blue underpads), hospital issue Depends (for those whose bodily functions were shot to hell), incontinence cleaning foam, extra gowns, and cloth underpads (to double with the Chux when tending to incontinent patients).

this is how i would organize my day. did it ever go like that? HELL NO. the majority of the time when i'd come on duty with my co-workers, i would find breakfast AND lunch trays still in the rooms, garbage pails overflowing, and a many a patient literally swimming in piss and shit because the triflin' day CP didnt bother to change the patient before she ended her shift. this would piss me off to high pissivity, and while i'm throwing myself behind cleaning up their mess, i'm fuming and cussin' under my breath about "lazy bitches leave all this shit for me to do and they KNOW better.

it would be even worse when the patients' families would be in their rooms and immediately start bitching me out because their loved one "hadnt had his/her bed changed all day, and him/her is lying in a puddle of piss and/or shit," and i would be right in the line of fire to jumpstart my already fucked up day. many many many times i had to "grin and bear it" with gritted teeth and a obviously phony smile saying, "oh i'm so sorry about this. i'll take care of it , dont worry, okay?" to which said family members would eventually feel sorry for me and say, "oh are you just coming on?" and i would reply, "yeah. i'm your clinical partner for the 3-11 shift" while i'm sweatin like a pig changing THE ENTIRE BED with said patient in it, givin that patient a bedbath because the bitches on the 7-3 shift didnt come back and bathe them, take the soggy, shitty Depends off of them, clean them up from head to foot, put a fresh gown on 'em, and make them look all nice and clean so the family members would stop bitching me out for the mess the day shift bitches neglected to do. it was even worse when the room had TWO patients that hadnt been tended to.....by that time, i would be LIVID with anger.

then once i got the patient so fresh and so clean clean, then i would begin MY routine of taking vital signs, doing Accu-Cheks on the diabetics, and sometimes drawing labs that AGAIN the day shift CPs did not do. by the time i finished with the patients who were all fucked up, i was madder than a wet hen and thus equipment would start flying upside the walls, clean utility room doors would get a savage yank to the point they'd hit the wall, and if i was TRULY pissed off to even higher pissivity, i'd snatch off my stethoscope, throw it down and stomp off the unit to go outside (even in freezing cold temperatures) to smoke myself into oblivion. um, can you say NURSE BURNOUT?????? not only was i burned out, but fucking burned up and fed up.

i would tell my boss (who was a sweetheart) in no uncertain terms about the crap i had to come behind on MY SHIFT. she would tell me to calm down and make a list of all the patient rooms that were out of order and she would deal with the offender. i did that for a while, and for a minute, the bullshit stopped, and i would come on duty with a rare smile. but of course it didnt last long. usually the next week, it'd be right back to bullshit. and i'd be pissed.

no disrespect to any RN who happens by my blog, but i used to think it was a conspiracy to pair me with the most trifling nurses on the whole goddam unit. i wont mention any of their names, but this one RN in particular looked like a fuckin witch...long overdyed black hair, and it never seemed to amaze me when i needed help with any of her patients, for a simple request to perhaps help me pull the patient up in bed - because most of my co-workers were either busy with their own people or "conveniently" disappeared - she too, would "conveniently" disappear and i was left to pull the patient(s) up in the bed ALONE. the RN who finally sent me over the edge was a Type-A control-freak bitch from hell, and she would always bitch me out about this or that and make me feel like i was a total idiot and didnt know my job. well, this one particular day she kept at me for the duration and i snapped. i told her that i'm very well capable of doing my job and that she need not keep running behind me to see if things were done, after all, i've been a nurse assistant for 10 fuckin years and dammit i didnt need a fuckin overseer to make sure i'm doing my goddam job. yes, i said those words, and then yanked off my stethoscope and tossed it, and stomped off the floor to go outside and smoke.

luckily, i learned a technique for doing that from another hospital and each time it workd like a charm. i would tilt the bed into reverse Trendelenburg (for those of y'all who are CNAs or RN/LPNs, you know what i'm talking about) to where the head of the bed tilted downward, and then i'd get in front of the bed and grab the drawsheet and if the patient was able to help out, i would have them scoot upwards; if the patient was not able to help, then i would grab the drawsheet and with every ounce of female power, pull that person upwards. it was a real challenge when the patient weighed 400 OR MORE POUNDS, then i'd really have to use every muscle, tendon, ligament in my upper body to pull that heavy-duty body upwards so that they wouldnt sink in the middle of the damn bed.

i look at my clock on the side of this computer and it says 2:28PM. this would be about the time i'd have already gotten to the hospital and started rounding up my shit so i can start my day. to anyone out there who works in healthcare, and you are in the nursing field, God bless you. i served an 11-year sentence to wind up taking medications to keep me sane.

would i do it again? HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NO. i've had my share of short-staffing, overwork, underpayment and uncooperative co-workers to last me a lifetime.

Bedpan Alley can kiss my entire ass.