*sigh.* yep it's just one of them days. "Aunt Flo" decided to pull a "trick" on me and came down on October 31 - Halloween. trick or muthafucking treat. i was beginning to think that maybe i was gonna skip this month, and had got kinda happy at the thought, that 'well old Minniepaws is finally kickin "Aunt Flo" to the curb, and i was gonna be spared 7 days of misery' BUZZZZ!!! wrong answer. wasnt happening. Old "Flo" got me - out of all days to play a cruel trick on a bitch - fuckin HALLOWEEN!!!! and "Flo" has been kickin my ass ever since. on toppa that i had a hot flash from hell yesterday, and ALL THE WINDOWS WERE OPEN, and i was sitting here at this computer fanning, "damn, it's HOT in here! whoo lawd!" my 18 year old daughter looked at me and said, "but Mama, the window is open!" still fanning, i said "shit, child, i know! i'm still fucking HOT!"
and to make matters worse, i saw a commercial on TV for "Always" pads, saying "have a HAPPY period." ARE THESE PEOPLE FUCKIN' NUTS????? what, does said napkin have some kind of "happy" ingredient in it that when you put the muthafucka on, all of a sudden, it's "happy happy joy joy"??? what woman out there has a muthafuckin "HAPPY" period? last time i checked, the monthly visitor did NOT make too many women happy, especially those of us "bleeders" like me who serve a 7-day sentence of cramps, bloat, sugar cravings and mood swings that are off the charts, and btw, i feel for those of y'all ladies who are bipolar-you poor girls are already battling emotional fluctuations...my heart goes out to y'all - Hugs (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((to all bipolar ladies))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))... so what the fuck are they talking about? "happy" period my ass!!!!
in the fuckin 46 years i've been on this planet, not nary period i've ever had made me fuckin HAPPY. the only-and i mean ONLY- time i was "happy" to see this muthafucka was when i was a teenager who was gettin hers on the regular and me and my boyfriend slipped and forgot to use protection, and i had to sweat out a whole week until i went to pee and saw red. that was the ONLY time i was overjoyed to see "Aunt Flo" (this was the '70s, ok? the only fear a girl had back in them days was getting pregnant, and alas, at age 19 when "Aunt Flo" didnt show, and i started barfing all over the place, well i knew then "Aunt Flo" would be on a 9-month hiatus).
then after i had my first child, i was told, "you wont get cramps no more." Ah. another so-called "happy" moment? BULLSHIT! ok i will admit for a while i was skipping periods like a kid playing hopscotch, and it was a nice reprieve from having to hold a hot water bottle to my belly and literally making a necklace out of Bayer Aspirin (or Midol) and licking it at intervals. so yeah i guess that was a "happy" moment. but when it went on too long, instead of leaving things as they are, oh noooooooooooooooooooo, i had to go see my Gyne and tell him "uh, i aint had a period for two months. is that normal?" to which said doc would prescribe Provera tabs to help "bring my period down", thus thrusting me back into monthly misery. i curse myself to this day for bringing that bitch back and enduring her fuckery on my hormones and reproductive system. and just for the fuckin record, havin babies AND gettin my tubes tied DID NOT stop the fucking cramps!
since then, i have not had a "happy" period, PERIOD. and now that "Aunt Flo" has her cousin "Minnie Paws" double-teaming me, with hot flashes and shit, i am not a "happy" camper.
*sigh* you men are sooo damn lucky. however, when your woman starts howling at the moon and making a meal of anything made of chocolate , M&Ms, Hershey bars, Snickers, donuts, cake, be forewarned that is dangerous territory, and she should not be agitated in any way......just pass her the chocolate and nobody will get hurt.....if you fail to heed this warning, i would suggest you check into a hotel for the duration because we, um, kinda tend to be a tad EMOTIONAL and unless you like being clocked upside your head with flying objects - some that even have EXTREMELY SHARP EDGES - you will quietly leave and go to said hotel or any other "safe" haven until it is deemed safe for you to return home......
however, if by chance the hotel clerk is a female who is on the rag, it would be wise to lock your doors and windows and remain quiet. even so much as a sneeze might have you winding up with stitches, a removal of your most precious commodity (um, can you say "Lorena Bobbitt?"), or worse, a call to your next of kin.
so...anybody got chocolate? DAMMIT I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE AND YOU CANT HIDE FROM ME.......... SO GIMME!!!!!!!!
*ahem* and now, you'll 'scuse me while i finish making my necklace of 800mg ibuprofen....
5 comments:
800 is the way to go, add some ambien in that too. be feeling real good
Umm, I ate a whole block of choccie all to myself this afternoon. I stocked up a little on the chocolate though, so you can have the spare block in the fridge. :)
I've seen that commercial! I almost died laughing.
And I can laugh because I'm male. Lucky for me my problems are simply confined to abject stupidity and moronic conversation. ;)
I've seen that commercial! I almost died laughing.
And I can laugh because I'm male. Lucky for me my problems are simply confined to abject stupidity and moronic conversation. ;)
Maggs: hmm. Ambien, eh?
Kym: thanks hon!
Princess: Ew. Damn.
Squid: my heart goes out to you and any other man who is subject to the ravings of a hormonal woman.
Dan: it's all good. just make sure you aint laughin when your girlfriend/wife/female friend is uber hormonal and in dire pain. the consequences could get quite ugly....
Post a Comment