back into the "Twilight Zone"

today while i was online chatting with some friends, i found myself starting to zone out, and also i felt like i could hear the conversation that was being typed in my head. and here of late, i've been seeing shadow-like blurs whiz past the corner of my eye...kind of like a person running real fast. once again, i havent washed or combed my hair, much less took a bath, because i just dont want to. i guess i'm slipping back into the dissociative mode again, where my affect is flat, and i'm somewhat paranoid about being around a lot of people. crazy? um, yeah, most definitely. if you are not familiar with dissociation, it's like being out of your body, where you sometimes stare off into space for hours and you kinda zone out. i've caught myself doing this quite a bit now. not only that, i feel like my memory is fading in and out like static on a radio. i have my moments of lucidity and clarity, but sometimes i find myself forgetting what day or time it is, less alone what i did a few minutes ago. weird.


im not depressed, i just feel, well, for lack of a better word, flat. i dont know how else to put it. nothing interests me, i dont feel motivated to do nothing, but sit here (or anywhere) and rock back and forth and stare off into space. sometimes i have no appetite, sometimes i do. and here of late i have had sugar cravings like a junkie with a bad jones. and i know it's from the Seroquel, because it said it tends to make you want sugar, or a lot of carbs, and i have gained quite a bit of weight from the stuff....that's why i call it "Sugarquel". i am definitely funk mama supreme, but i dont care. once again, my hair looks like a sheep's ass, and, i dont care. if somebody told me i had just won a million dollars, i dont think i would give a shit. in fact i probably would think there's a scheme behind it because of the paranoia, and close the door on the money people.

i tried calling my pdoc but was told by D the secretary, that he wont be back until friday. so i will call back friday to tell him to please call my meds in to Walgreens because i'm almost out of the Seroquel 200mg tabs and the 0.5mg Klonopin tabs. i have enough right now to hold me, but i like feeling secure knowing that i have some extra refills.

i once took one of those online "personality" quizzes made by a doctor, and i find i have an avoidant, paranoid and schizoid personality. hmm. interesting. i can relate to the avoidant and the paranoid parts -- i tend to not like being around people and also tend to think i'm being watched or that people are secretly talking about me. the schizoid one kinda freaked me out.

i dont like being around a whole group of people, because i feel like somebody is out to get me, i prefer being alone, and i like it that way, but now the hallucinations that i see out of the corner of my eye are becoming more frequent--they are more like shadows that whiz by, and like i said, i sometimes feel like i can "hear" the conversations that i type while chatting online. my sleep pattern is all out of whack, and i have taken 25mg more of Seroquel along with the 250 i take at night just so i can go to sleep, and when i sleep i have weird dreams, and i tend to make weird noises while i'm sleeping like "um, uh uh, mm hm, um, um." i think i even yelled out loud while asleep. but then the Seroquel will give you weird dreams anyways.

right now as i'm typing, i had to catch myself cuz i was starting to space out. i dont know what i feel, and here i go again spacing out......i'm typing but at the same time i'm staring at the icons on the bottom of my computer screen. *sigh*. i'm surprised this even came out right.

somehow i get the feeling i'm going to wind up in the cuckoos nest again......