"what is my major malfunction?"

had an appointment with my T today. it went ok. basically i told him about the psychotic symptoms i've been having of late, i.e., spacing out, hallucinating, hearing people talk thru my computer *cough*, errrr....hearing voices, flat affect, ad nauseam. even while i was trying to 'splain to him about what was going on, the train of thought i was on suddenly derailed and i sat there like Rain Man going, "errr, uh, uh, errr, shit..." because i fuckin forgot was in the middle of saying and my words got somehow discomboub....errr, discombal....errr, oh hell.... my words got scrambled. yeah. nice easy word...scrambled.

i told him that i've also have not felt the need to be a part of the outside world because the Paranoia Police keep invading my brain and thus rendering me useless outside of my four dirty walls (yes they are dirty, and i dont give a shit *sticks out tongue*). i told him about how i sometimes sit in the dark with nothing on (get your minds out of the gutter, i do have on clothes *grrr*) but the light from the computer, and how much more comfortable i feel in the darkness than being in the light -- um, can y'all say "Dracula's Daughter?"

today the Paranoia Police had their S.W.A.T. team in full effect while i was riding back home on the bus. said bus was crowded (good God, where do all these ginormously grossly obese people come from? do they hibernate all winter and come out in the summer to take up precious space on these newfangled hardly-no-room-in-the-first-damn-place-buses? geez!) and i managed to squeeze my way to a seat for disabled persons. well, by the time the bus lumbered to 63rd and Cottage Grove, the Paranoia Police SWAT team was saying in my head, "move! move! move!" and i all but bolted off the bus. there was a beauty supply uber-store at the corner, and i wandered in. i bought a few things, mostly for a dollar and a few things a tad over a dollar, and finally left the store $17 and some change lighter. *sigh*

i went outside and lit up a cigarette and kinda paced around waiting for a bus that did not have half of humanity on it, and alas, to my regret, yet another one came, but slightly less inhabited by passengers. i asked the driver to please lower the step so i could spare my knees the excruciating pain of having to step up on the bus. he kindly lowered it and i boarded. said bus lumbered off down Cottage Grove and after standing for a short while, i spotted a seat near the front and sat down next to a lady who then regaled me with tales of her arthritis. i threw in my two cents worth of my bodily aches and pains, and as soon as said bus rolled up to 81st and Cottage, i got off at the gas station, went inside and bought two bags of Lays Dill Pickle flavored potato chips and a new cigarette lighter. after the day i had, i already knew them chips were gonna be my dinner for the night. clutching my cane (a/k/a "thug beata" - i was gonna call it the "N" word, but i'mma be PC here) after i made my purchase, i walked -- albeit painfully, because by then my back and legs and knees were starting to scream bloody murda-- home. i didnt realize it was hot out and i felt a bead of sweat trickle down my back.

when i got to my building, i took a deep breath and proceeded to painfully climb three flights of concrete stairs with my trusty cane aiding me along the way. i hobbled to my apartment, and immediately stripped out of the hot clothes i wore to the T appt, and threw on a old sleeveless gray T-shirt. i sat down at this computer and immediately dove into my two bags of chips.

so what is my major malfunction? God only knows. i'm to see both the T and pdoc next Tuesday, to try and see which fuses have blown inside my gray matter.

i can give it a name -- CRS....Cant Remember Shit!

uh oh...mental computer is about to crash.....must shut down now.........