i'm tired.

i'm tired. my soul is tired, my mind is tired, and i feel mentally and emotionally drained. where to start? well, before i begin, for those of you who suffer from borderline personality disorder, i feel for you -- truly i do.

awhile back i mentioned that i had become friends with this lady V, who was in the PHP program with me the early part of this year. V has borderline personality and bipolar disorder. mind you, she is a very nice and caring person, and she's done a lot to help me thru difficult times, and i have tried my best to reciprocate. it's just when she's on an emotional rollercoaster, somehow i wind up going along for the ride. she says she is a Christian, but here of late she's been extremely depressed, manic, and the BPD is becoming impossible for me to deal with. i am usually a very patient person, and i consider myself a good listener. i have listened to her rant about a guy who she felt "used" her, i have listened to her rant about an ex-friend of hers who she felt "took advantage of her". i have listened and tried to give feedback yet she says now she feels i'm not as "supportive" of her because she does most of the talking. we have cried together, laughed together, and have tried to help each other out in different ways. the one thing that bothers me is that she is adamantly homophobic. yet a few days ago (i guess when she was in her manic phase) she disclosed some information to me that surprised me. to make a long story short, we had an "encounter". now she feels she must pay penance for what happened and has gone back being uber-homophobic.

now she asked me tonight what kind of friendship are we going to have, and though i say i believe in God, she asks me "well what God do you believe in?" at this point i felt myself getting agitated, and said, well i believe in a God who loves ALL people, regardless of race, creed, color, or, yes even sexual preference (and to all y'all Bible thumpers who are damning me to burn in hell, i think YOU will burn more than i will because of you trying to "save" us all from eternal damnation). i told her i didnt believe in organized religion, because of so much hypocrisy and that i believed in Him in my own way.

no disrespect to those of you who suffer from BPD, but as a person who has tried to be friends with someone who has it, i am mentally drained, emotionally drained and just plain tired of having everything i say analyzed and picked apart, having to walk on eggshells as far as what i say or how i say it, and before you all send me ugly messages, let me tell you that i am battling with my own mental problems, ok? the "encounter" that went on between me and her i wish to god never happened. in a way, i felt like i was set up, only for it to come back to bite me in the ass. and i'm already paranoid enough, now i feel like this.

please understand....i do not hold prejudice against anyone's religious preferences. whatever name you choose to call God, be it Jesus, Allah, Yahweh, Jehovah, Buddha, athiest, agnostic or what ever, i feel that is your personal choice and should not be fodder for you all to impose your beliefs on those who dont believe or think as you do. there is only one judge and that is the Creator. and I simply choose to call Him GOD. Period.

i left V a voice message saying that in light of the circumstances, i didnt feel that i was the kind of friend that she was looking for, being that i am of an "alternative lifestyle" which she has issue with, and that i was tired of always having what i say analyzed to death, and that it had started becoming a rollercoaster for me. i also said that i felt that we needed to put some distance between us so that she can fully focus on her spirituality, and that me being her friend and what i am isnt helping, also since she's going back to PHP, i have changed my mind and will not go back because i dont want any conflict of interest in her quest for recovery from her illnesses.

i hope what i have posted here has not offended anyone with borderline personality disorder (BPD). i think i have a right to a peace of mind, and i pray that those of you who suffer from this debilitating illness will find peace of mind, spirit and soul - regardless of your religious beliefs. there is too much prejudice and hate in the world, from fucked up leadership in the Nation's Capital and the government. i pray that the stigmas of mental illness, same-sex marriage, being lesbian, bisexual or gay, not looking the way "society" wants us to, domestic violence, child abuse, and other issues will someday be finally eradicated and that we all live on this Earth as ONE -- ONE mind, ONE spirit, ONE soul, ONE peaceful community.

well---guess i better get my asbestos suit ready for my express train to hell.....