it's the last day of the month....

yep. the last day of September and tomorrow is October 1st. i am sooooooooooooo glad summer is finally over. i love the fall of the year; to me it is a comforting season. i like being able to put on my favorite sweater and some jeans and take a walk in the brisk fall air. plus Daylight Savings Time goes back too, and it will get dark a lot earlier. i'm a creature of the darkness; i somehow feel comforted in the dark...why i dont know -- maybe it's because i used to work the night shift a lot and usually the hospital unit i was working on was for the most part, very quiet, and we night shifters could sometimes even sneak a nap especially around 3am.

i want to thank those of you who posted on my last entry that i dedicated to my dad. though i only know you all from reading your blogs or comments to mine, i feel so much love and caring from you, and i want you all to know how much i appreciate each and every one of you (and you know who you are *grins*).

i wish i could give each and every one of you a heartfelt hug, because so many of us are battling our respective illnesses, and it is a hellified cross to bear to have to fight for sanity day in and day out.

i'm not super-religious, but i do believe that there is a God, and that He has His arms all around us and that He loves us alll, unconditionally. so my prayer is that one day we all will be free from this vise-like grip of mental illness and be delivered back into sanity.

have a good weekend everyone, and take care of yourselves, because there is only one YOU.

Daddy, i miss you

Dear Daddy:

I miss you more and more every day. I miss the times when we talked on the phone and how you would encourage me and lift my spirits when i felt like i couldnt go on. You were always there even though you were miles away. It hurt me to know that you were sick and it hurt me even more that i didnt make it there in time to be by your side when God called you home. but i know that you are in a better place now, and that you and Mama are together again in Heaven. I thank you and Mama for bringing me into this world, and I thank you for the gifts of your artistic talents that each one of your children inherited. But most of all, i thank you for being my father. I dedicate this song "Dance With My Father" by the late Luther Vandross to you.

I love you Daddy.


Dance With My Father

back when i was a child
before life removed
all the innocence
my father would lift me high
and dance with my mother
and me and then
spin me around
til i fell asleep
then up the stairs
he would carry me
and i knew for sure
i was loved....

if i could get
another chance
another walk
another dance
with him
i'd play a song
that would never
ever end
how i'd love, love
to
dance with
my father again....

when i and my
mother would disagree
to get my way
i would run from her
to him
he'd make me laugh
just to comfort me
then finally make me
do what my mama said
later that night
when i was asleep
he'd leave a dollar
under my sheet
never dreamed that he
would be gone from me....

if i could steal
one final glance
one final step
one final dance
with him
i'd play a song
that would never
ever end
cause i'd love love
to dance with my father again.....

sometimes i'd listen
outside her door
and i'd hear how
my mama would
cry for him
i'd pray for her
even more than me.....

i know i'm prayin
for much too much
but could you
send the only man
she loved
i know you dont do it
usually, but Dear Lord
she's dyin'
to dance with
my father again....

every night i'd fall asleep
and this is all i'd ever dreamed..


Daddy and Mama
I love and miss you both...
Rest in Peace.

pdoc visit yesterday

had pdoc appointment yesterday. though i was late getting there, he was even later than i was. i have no idea why he schedules most of his patients at the same time and then runs around like a scalded cat trying to see everybody all at once. but then i forgot he works at another hospital's psych unit.

anyway. i told him that since he increased the meds the psychotic features have subsided a bit. i'm not dissociating hardly at all, nor am i hearing voices or seeing things whiz by the corner of my eye. in fact, i'm for the most part, i guess i'm devoid of feeling, altho i still have my sense of humor, albeit cracked and warped as it is. so i see Dr G (my T) again this coming tuesday, and this time i told him i wanted a late afternoon appointment, and he gave me 3pm which is fine for me. i see Dr M (the pdoc) again on the 21st of next month. Dr M asked me if i needed meds and i told him i did, so he gave me enough samples of Zoloft 50mg tabs and Seroquel 200mg tabs to hold me over for a while.

for those of y'all who cant afford your meds like Zoloft, Seroquel, Cymbalta, and others, if you have a pdoc you should ask if him/her have samples to give you so that you dont get to that "omigod-i-have-ONE-pill-left!" moment. believe me it aint no fun, cus i've been there. also if you have a computer (and i'm sure most of you do, cuz i've read some of your blogs *wink*) you can go directly to the med's websites:

Seroquel: www.seroquel.com Zoloft: www.zoloft.com Cymbalta: www.cymbalta.com
Risperdal: www.risperdal.com Paxil: www.paxil.com
Effexor: www.effexor.com, Wellbutrin/WellbutrinXL: www.wellbutrin.com.

these sites have programs with the makers of the drugs to assist patients who cant afford or have no insurance to get their medications. hope these sites are helpful. unfortunately, Klonopin doesnt have its own website, but i take a generic version of Klonopin which is the meds' actual name Clonazepam and i dont have to make a co-pay for it, unlike the $3 co-pay Medicaid asks for Seroquel and Zoloft. also you can go to www.pparx.org for more information about which med companies offer assistance.

hope everyone's weekend is pleasant and peaceful.

"assume the position" *lustfully drooling"

*drooling* i just had to put this picture of my "husband" Denzel Washington *grinning from ear to ear* on my blog.
this is a still photo from the movie "Training Day."

he said that he didnt like the role he played, which was a shady cop, and would never play another role like that again,but, mmmmmm umph! he could frisk me *gets hot flash from the thought*

"you have the right to not remain silent...anything you feel can and will be used against you in a fit of passion...
legs apart and assume the position...."

*extends arms for handcuffs* anything you say, baby......go'on 'head and put me on lockdown and make it "mo betta" for me......................

it's just something about a brotha dressed in black with a black leather jacket...and bein' fine as Denzel *Eartha Kitt's "Catwoman" grrrroooowwwwwwwwwwlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll* ...it's sexy as hell.

Denzel....i'll be your "Devil in a Blue Dress" if you promise to ease my "Mo' Betta Blues" cus i got a "Heart Condition" and i need a "Man On Fire" who wont run "Out of Time" when it's time to throw down. baby u aint gotta take me to "St Elsewhere" or "Philadelphia"...just go to where
"X" marks the spot and do me 'by any means necessary'!

ooooooooh he is just SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fine!

so much for feeling better *sigh*

so much for feeling better. i woke up this morning itching something fierce, and my left shoulder hurt where it itched...i thought maybe a spider had bit me because the muscle in my (L) shoulder was hurting. then once i got up i felt weird...i dunno how to describe it. i felt flat again.

not taking any chances on getting an allergic reaction, i took a Benadryl to counter the effects of the itching sensation, and then threw on some clothes and took the bus to Mercy Hospital's ER. i sat and waited, and by that time i felt a little bit better, but my shoulder was aching down to my fingertips on the left side. and, i felt myself dissociating again.

after the long wait to be seen by a doctor, one finally came in and looked me over. he didnt see any bite marks or nothing, but he did seem concerned about the numbness and tingling in my hands, and he asked me if i worked on a computer. i told him i had one at home but it didnt have the wrist rest on it. so the diagnosis (which i already knew *sigh*) was "carpel tunnel syndrome." WOW. i came in there scared that a damn spider had bit me and they tell me i have carpel tunnel and should wear wrist braces. *sigh*

well, i have one wrist brace for my (R) hand, now i guess i'mma hafta get another one for the left hand. i probably need braces for both my knees which have been giving me a lot of pain lately, and i've had to walk with my cane a lot more. i'm ok when in the house, but i need that bad boy when i'm out and have to step up on the buses, especially on these new buses that "kneel" that the dipshit drivers hardly ever use and when you ask them to "please lower the step" they look at you like you done grown a second head, or they do it with an attitude. hell i'm not the only person that has to use a damn cane; there are senior citizens who use 'em and you would think these dipshit drivers would automatically lower the step so the old folks or people with walking disabilities *cough* (me) can board the goddam bus without having to literally stick our asses in the peoples faces behind us.

now i have found out from one of my youngest's "boyfriend of the month" that he just got jacked and amongst the stuff taken from him, included my daughter's cell phone. shit. i had told her time and time again to leave the fuckin phone on the charger and stop letting these knucklehead assed boys of hers use her fuckin phone. oh well. she aint gettin another one, and i damn sure aint letting her use mine. now i gotta call Cingular and tell them to shut the phone off because it has been stolen. fuck fuck fucccccccccccccccccckkkkk.

i'll just be glad when this day is finally over. i wish i could drink some booze, cus i would get to' up from the flo' up drunk.

increased meds....*sigh*

*sigh*. well, i'm on an increased dosage of Sugarque......errrrr, Seroquel at night. i'm on 400mgs, 50mg in the evening, and 50mg in the morning i take along with 150mg Zoloft and .5 mgs Klonopin. oh yeah, i take 15mg Klonopin along with the 400mgs Seroquel at night. since i had told the pdoc about the hallucinations, voices, dissociation and shit, plus add in i wasnt sleeping like i should, i knew a med increase was coming. i will say tho, since i've been taking the titered (increased) dosages, the voices have disappeared and i'm not spacing out as bad as i was. the only thing i hate is that them half-doses of Seroquel make me extremely sleepy in the middle of the day, and sometimes i wind up napping. but when i take the heavy duty doses of Seroquel and Klonopin, i'm walking around like a drunken mummy *lol* and i know ok, before i fall my ass down on the floor, lemme get to my bed right away. last night i was trying hard to stay up and write an entry on this blog, but the room started looking blurry and i was talking like a drunk, so i staggered to my bed (or should i say i fell in my bed) and it wasnt too long before i was out like a pole-axed mule. so for now the psychotic symptoms of my depression have quieted down a bit....i just hate having CRS tho---yesterday i had NO idea what day it was. i had to go loook at my calendar to see what day and date it was.

oh well. as i said, i'm feeling a lot better. that's what counts, right? sure, i'll be eating a bag of sugar, and wolfing down cookies and shit like that, but hey! no more voices, no more hallucinations or paranoia!

pfft. lemme keep it real. this shit is keeping my black ass from being voluntarily committed to the state cuckoo's nest, cause that's exactly where i was headed. my pdoc did the threat of committment to scare my ass (boy did he ever!) into making an effort to keep sane and get out of the house more. at first i thought he was being overly mean, but now i see it (thanks to my friend V, who figured out why my pdoc was talking about putting me in the hospital) as a means for me to get back on the road to wellness, because i tend to be kinda stubborn and deliberately shut myself down because i dont wanna deal with shit that has upset me, and i zone out to "escape" in my mind to keep from dealing with it. ha. he's a crafty guy, but a damn good doctor and i wouldnt trade him for a million dollas--him and my therapist.

well i know this has to be as boring as longwinded "motivational" speaker's lecture, so i'm out for now. peace.

itching like crazy..is it meds, food, nerves--what?

i dont know if i have eaten something or touched something that i'm allergic to, but this itching that i' m doing is driving me nuttier than squirrel shit. it feels like a sensation of tiny bugs crawling inside my skin, and i cant seem to stop scratching. maybe i'm allergic to one of my meds, i dunno. but ever since yesterday when i killed this ginormous cockroach i've been having this tingling sensation thru out my whole body...it's like a million tiny fleas or ants have gotten under my skin and is making me itch like a junkie needing a fix. i have been using my prescription cortisone ointment on the parts of me that have broken out in a raging rash, i.e, the side of my belly, the tops of my left breast (and it seems like its working its way to the right one) and yesterday i had a tiny bump which looked like a small bite and it itched profusely. this itching sensation is working its way to my back and i pray to God i dont break out all over like i did a few years back -- and on this date - September 11. i had broke out in a horrible rash and i had no clue as to where it came from. i wound up taking steroid meds and using the ointment to stop the rash. because my mattress is on the floor, i certainly hope that big ass bug didnt bite me.....and no i do not have roaches in my place, i just happened to look out of the corner of my eye and saw it crawling along the kitchen floor. i immediately got the broom and killed that fucker and flushed it down the toilet. now i'm paranoid that there may be another one lurking in my house somewhere, and it's got me freaking the hell out.

also, i've been sitting here at this computer for most of the day, reading blogs and rocking back and forth. i did manage to un-zone and make a meat loaf and some baked potatoes in the microwave, and then after that, right back in front of the computer looking at blogs and rocking back and forth and occasionally spacing out and scratching like as i said a junkie needing a heroin shot.

oh great...now the other boob is starting to itch and it feels like hell. i do have some Benadryl so i will take one after i take my meds...give a few hours in between. i had been taking 275 mg Seroquel just so i could get my sleep pattern back, but i think maybe it's the culprit. so i will go back to my 250 and see what happens. maybe it's my nerves - shit i dont know. unless, maybe it was the guacamole that was with the huge burrito my oldest brought home from Pepe's.... i swear i cant pin point what the hell is making me itch like crazy.

plus it's been "indian summer" here lately, the temperatures are going to be in the 90s until thursday. great. just what i need. i wish to god i knew what was causing me to have this itching! i think i'll take that Benadryl now. my ankles and feet have swollen because i sit up for long periods of time at this computer, but it's because i dont want to take a nap in the daytime.


i dont know what the fuck to do. the only thing i ate today was a couple slices of the meatloaf and two baked potatoes. *sigh* if it aint one thing, it's another.

i'm tired.

i'm tired. my soul is tired, my mind is tired, and i feel mentally and emotionally drained. where to start? well, before i begin, for those of you who suffer from borderline personality disorder, i feel for you -- truly i do.

awhile back i mentioned that i had become friends with this lady V, who was in the PHP program with me the early part of this year. V has borderline personality and bipolar disorder. mind you, she is a very nice and caring person, and she's done a lot to help me thru difficult times, and i have tried my best to reciprocate. it's just when she's on an emotional rollercoaster, somehow i wind up going along for the ride. she says she is a Christian, but here of late she's been extremely depressed, manic, and the BPD is becoming impossible for me to deal with. i am usually a very patient person, and i consider myself a good listener. i have listened to her rant about a guy who she felt "used" her, i have listened to her rant about an ex-friend of hers who she felt "took advantage of her". i have listened and tried to give feedback yet she says now she feels i'm not as "supportive" of her because she does most of the talking. we have cried together, laughed together, and have tried to help each other out in different ways. the one thing that bothers me is that she is adamantly homophobic. yet a few days ago (i guess when she was in her manic phase) she disclosed some information to me that surprised me. to make a long story short, we had an "encounter". now she feels she must pay penance for what happened and has gone back being uber-homophobic.

now she asked me tonight what kind of friendship are we going to have, and though i say i believe in God, she asks me "well what God do you believe in?" at this point i felt myself getting agitated, and said, well i believe in a God who loves ALL people, regardless of race, creed, color, or, yes even sexual preference (and to all y'all Bible thumpers who are damning me to burn in hell, i think YOU will burn more than i will because of you trying to "save" us all from eternal damnation). i told her i didnt believe in organized religion, because of so much hypocrisy and that i believed in Him in my own way.

no disrespect to those of you who suffer from BPD, but as a person who has tried to be friends with someone who has it, i am mentally drained, emotionally drained and just plain tired of having everything i say analyzed and picked apart, having to walk on eggshells as far as what i say or how i say it, and before you all send me ugly messages, let me tell you that i am battling with my own mental problems, ok? the "encounter" that went on between me and her i wish to god never happened. in a way, i felt like i was set up, only for it to come back to bite me in the ass. and i'm already paranoid enough, now i feel like this.

please understand....i do not hold prejudice against anyone's religious preferences. whatever name you choose to call God, be it Jesus, Allah, Yahweh, Jehovah, Buddha, athiest, agnostic or what ever, i feel that is your personal choice and should not be fodder for you all to impose your beliefs on those who dont believe or think as you do. there is only one judge and that is the Creator. and I simply choose to call Him GOD. Period.

i left V a voice message saying that in light of the circumstances, i didnt feel that i was the kind of friend that she was looking for, being that i am of an "alternative lifestyle" which she has issue with, and that i was tired of always having what i say analyzed to death, and that it had started becoming a rollercoaster for me. i also said that i felt that we needed to put some distance between us so that she can fully focus on her spirituality, and that me being her friend and what i am isnt helping, also since she's going back to PHP, i have changed my mind and will not go back because i dont want any conflict of interest in her quest for recovery from her illnesses.

i hope what i have posted here has not offended anyone with borderline personality disorder (BPD). i think i have a right to a peace of mind, and i pray that those of you who suffer from this debilitating illness will find peace of mind, spirit and soul - regardless of your religious beliefs. there is too much prejudice and hate in the world, from fucked up leadership in the Nation's Capital and the government. i pray that the stigmas of mental illness, same-sex marriage, being lesbian, bisexual or gay, not looking the way "society" wants us to, domestic violence, child abuse, and other issues will someday be finally eradicated and that we all live on this Earth as ONE -- ONE mind, ONE spirit, ONE soul, ONE peaceful community.

well---guess i better get my asbestos suit ready for my express train to hell.....

"what is my major malfunction?"

had an appointment with my T today. it went ok. basically i told him about the psychotic symptoms i've been having of late, i.e., spacing out, hallucinating, hearing people talk thru my computer *cough*, errrr....hearing voices, flat affect, ad nauseam. even while i was trying to 'splain to him about what was going on, the train of thought i was on suddenly derailed and i sat there like Rain Man going, "errr, uh, uh, errr, shit..." because i fuckin forgot was in the middle of saying and my words got somehow discomboub....errr, discombal....errr, oh hell.... my words got scrambled. yeah. nice easy word...scrambled.

i told him that i've also have not felt the need to be a part of the outside world because the Paranoia Police keep invading my brain and thus rendering me useless outside of my four dirty walls (yes they are dirty, and i dont give a shit *sticks out tongue*). i told him about how i sometimes sit in the dark with nothing on (get your minds out of the gutter, i do have on clothes *grrr*) but the light from the computer, and how much more comfortable i feel in the darkness than being in the light -- um, can y'all say "Dracula's Daughter?"

today the Paranoia Police had their S.W.A.T. team in full effect while i was riding back home on the bus. said bus was crowded (good God, where do all these ginormously grossly obese people come from? do they hibernate all winter and come out in the summer to take up precious space on these newfangled hardly-no-room-in-the-first-damn-place-buses? geez!) and i managed to squeeze my way to a seat for disabled persons. well, by the time the bus lumbered to 63rd and Cottage Grove, the Paranoia Police SWAT team was saying in my head, "move! move! move!" and i all but bolted off the bus. there was a beauty supply uber-store at the corner, and i wandered in. i bought a few things, mostly for a dollar and a few things a tad over a dollar, and finally left the store $17 and some change lighter. *sigh*

i went outside and lit up a cigarette and kinda paced around waiting for a bus that did not have half of humanity on it, and alas, to my regret, yet another one came, but slightly less inhabited by passengers. i asked the driver to please lower the step so i could spare my knees the excruciating pain of having to step up on the bus. he kindly lowered it and i boarded. said bus lumbered off down Cottage Grove and after standing for a short while, i spotted a seat near the front and sat down next to a lady who then regaled me with tales of her arthritis. i threw in my two cents worth of my bodily aches and pains, and as soon as said bus rolled up to 81st and Cottage, i got off at the gas station, went inside and bought two bags of Lays Dill Pickle flavored potato chips and a new cigarette lighter. after the day i had, i already knew them chips were gonna be my dinner for the night. clutching my cane (a/k/a "thug beata" - i was gonna call it the "N" word, but i'mma be PC here) after i made my purchase, i walked -- albeit painfully, because by then my back and legs and knees were starting to scream bloody murda-- home. i didnt realize it was hot out and i felt a bead of sweat trickle down my back.

when i got to my building, i took a deep breath and proceeded to painfully climb three flights of concrete stairs with my trusty cane aiding me along the way. i hobbled to my apartment, and immediately stripped out of the hot clothes i wore to the T appt, and threw on a old sleeveless gray T-shirt. i sat down at this computer and immediately dove into my two bags of chips.

so what is my major malfunction? God only knows. i'm to see both the T and pdoc next Tuesday, to try and see which fuses have blown inside my gray matter.

i can give it a name -- CRS....Cant Remember Shit!

uh oh...mental computer is about to crash.....must shut down now.........

Houston we have a problem........

i think i have finally figured out why i've been sitting around looking like a crash-test dummy before impact. somewhere in this jumbled mass of gray matter my comprehension skills are quietly dwindling away! i just discovered....i'm Forrest Gump's lost black cousin!

OMFG. there used to be a time i had a razor-sharp memory. i could rattle off phone numbers without the use of a telephone book (personal or White Pages), knew how to spell antidisestablishmentari...shit i forgot the rest. i would know exactly where i put something i laid down minutes before and could summarize whatever book i'd read.

now, i'm lucky if i remember where i went the other day, less alone --- oh shit i just lost my thought....somebody please help me find it! duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........

oh *whew* thought lost has found its way back to the one functional brain cell. i'm lucky if i remember what day or date it is, and what i ate (or didnt eat) the night/day before. omg am i getting early Alzheimer's --- that's what eventually took my dad's life. and he was far from being stupid. he was one of the most intelligent and brilliant men on the planet to me.

i think these meds must have an effect on cognitive comprehension. in fact, i'm sure of it. ever since i have been on Sugarquel, errrr, Seroquel, i have been having trouble remembering stuff. it's like my mind is on auto-delete or some shit, cuz if i dont write down what is on my mind here, it's like my mind crashes like a virus-infected computer and all data is lost. i shit you not. good God, i'm even having trouble trying to piece this post together where it makes sense. i know i'm getting up there age-wise, hell, i'm only 46 (i think, yeah i'm 46), but this slow loss of memory is wiggin me out big time. i hope i still remember how to tie my shoes and not have to resort to wearing shoes with Velcro strips...or worse wearing clothes with Velcro strips!!!

as i have said i do have my moments of lucidity and clarity, but they are coming far and few in between. these lapses in memory are making me a candidate for the short yellow bus. at times i cant even concentrate or focus on what i'm typing because i'll space out and sit there like i've smoked a rolled up newspaper full of chronic.....this is ungood....

i sometimes forget to eat....or do i? i remember one time i was walking home and i felt like i was lost, that i had took the wrong way because i had spaced out while walking.


Houston, we have a problem................

back into the "Twilight Zone"

today while i was online chatting with some friends, i found myself starting to zone out, and also i felt like i could hear the conversation that was being typed in my head. and here of late, i've been seeing shadow-like blurs whiz past the corner of my eye...kind of like a person running real fast. once again, i havent washed or combed my hair, much less took a bath, because i just dont want to. i guess i'm slipping back into the dissociative mode again, where my affect is flat, and i'm somewhat paranoid about being around a lot of people. crazy? um, yeah, most definitely. if you are not familiar with dissociation, it's like being out of your body, where you sometimes stare off into space for hours and you kinda zone out. i've caught myself doing this quite a bit now. not only that, i feel like my memory is fading in and out like static on a radio. i have my moments of lucidity and clarity, but sometimes i find myself forgetting what day or time it is, less alone what i did a few minutes ago. weird.


im not depressed, i just feel, well, for lack of a better word, flat. i dont know how else to put it. nothing interests me, i dont feel motivated to do nothing, but sit here (or anywhere) and rock back and forth and stare off into space. sometimes i have no appetite, sometimes i do. and here of late i have had sugar cravings like a junkie with a bad jones. and i know it's from the Seroquel, because it said it tends to make you want sugar, or a lot of carbs, and i have gained quite a bit of weight from the stuff....that's why i call it "Sugarquel". i am definitely funk mama supreme, but i dont care. once again, my hair looks like a sheep's ass, and, i dont care. if somebody told me i had just won a million dollars, i dont think i would give a shit. in fact i probably would think there's a scheme behind it because of the paranoia, and close the door on the money people.

i tried calling my pdoc but was told by D the secretary, that he wont be back until friday. so i will call back friday to tell him to please call my meds in to Walgreens because i'm almost out of the Seroquel 200mg tabs and the 0.5mg Klonopin tabs. i have enough right now to hold me, but i like feeling secure knowing that i have some extra refills.

i once took one of those online "personality" quizzes made by a doctor, and i find i have an avoidant, paranoid and schizoid personality. hmm. interesting. i can relate to the avoidant and the paranoid parts -- i tend to not like being around people and also tend to think i'm being watched or that people are secretly talking about me. the schizoid one kinda freaked me out.

i dont like being around a whole group of people, because i feel like somebody is out to get me, i prefer being alone, and i like it that way, but now the hallucinations that i see out of the corner of my eye are becoming more frequent--they are more like shadows that whiz by, and like i said, i sometimes feel like i can "hear" the conversations that i type while chatting online. my sleep pattern is all out of whack, and i have taken 25mg more of Seroquel along with the 250 i take at night just so i can go to sleep, and when i sleep i have weird dreams, and i tend to make weird noises while i'm sleeping like "um, uh uh, mm hm, um, um." i think i even yelled out loud while asleep. but then the Seroquel will give you weird dreams anyways.

right now as i'm typing, i had to catch myself cuz i was starting to space out. i dont know what i feel, and here i go again spacing out......i'm typing but at the same time i'm staring at the icons on the bottom of my computer screen. *sigh*. i'm surprised this even came out right.

somehow i get the feeling i'm going to wind up in the cuckoos nest again......

The Clouds of Depression

the clouds of depression (sung to the music of "Sounds of Silence" by Simon & Garfunkel)


hello Zoloft and Klonopin
the 2 meds that
are now my friend
i take them for
my sanity's sake
including Seroquel
that makes me gain weight
to keep away
the voices
that i sometimes
hear within
that sometimes
keeps my head a-spin
from the clouds
of depression.....

you may say you
dont look insane
well have you ever
really felt deep pain
it hovers 'round like
a dark shadow
and you dont know
which way to go
and your tears
start to fall
like the sounds
of a driving rain
from the clouds
of depression..

yes i can see the look
upon your face
and it sends me back
to that dark place
to the place
where no one cares
where your whole life
are constant stares
at the face who has cried
a milion tears
that no one hears
or cares
about u at all
and you fall
back into....
the clouds.....

of...depression.......

SBC can go to hell!

well, today i got my disability check. i managed to take my rent money out and made a down payment to those fuckers at SBC for their "deferred bill plan" - $140 goddam dollars. fuck.
now i was told by them that since i'm on a deferred plan i wont have DSL internet access or cellular service. *sigh*. i sent them fuckers a rather nasty e-mail telling them that their phone service sucks (and yes i did say they SUCK). i had tried to explain to the lady i was talking to that i was on a fuckin fixed income and i only get one once-a-month check and that i could pay what i could on my bill -- yet, they say there is a "credit" pending to my account for an amount that was in dispute, and those fuckers STILL insisted that my account was "past due" WTF?

i'm convinced they dont update information when customers call because i keep getting a whole different answer from different reps, and one even talked to me like i just got off the short yellow bus! and the killing part of this -- i JUST GOT MY DAMN DSL AND CELLULAR SERVICE TURNED BACK ON BECAUSE OF THEIR MISTAKE! WTF????????????

so, i have signed up with Comcast internet while they still have their promotional price of $19.95 for 6 months and from what i've heard it's a hell of a lot faster than SBC DSL. plus since it's broadband, it aint connected to no phone lines, but connected with my cable. and the nice lady i talked to at Comcast said that at the end of the 6 month period i could call them back to see if they could extend it a little bit longer being that i am on a fixed income. that made me feel a little bit better. next, i'm gonna find another phone service and switch my number from SBC and stiff them muthafuckas because their prices are ridiculous. i was checking out Vonage phone service and also Sage Telecom and Sage offers everything that SBC charges (except for voicemail, it's a $4.95 charge) but Vonage offers for free, i.e., voice mail, caller ID, call waiting, automatic callback (*69), call forwarding, with a low monthly payment and one month for free. if anyone has used Vonage or Sage, please let me know how it works for you. i cant take another month of SBC's bullshit. i wish to god i had never signed back up with them. they were full of shit when they were known as Ameritech, and they are full of shit still. all the so-called "adjustments" to my bill wont be seen until next month's bill, and i know i aint gonna have enough money to make the full payment. so fuck 'em.

SBC can go straight to hell on an express train filled with gasoline and butane. i have had enough.

thoughts and prayers to the victims of Hurricane Katrina

i saw on the news last night the devastation and destruction from Hurricane Katrina down in Nawlins (ok for y'all "grammatically correct muthafuckas New Orleans), my heart and my prayers go out to those who have lost their homes and their lives from this terrible storm. those of you who are spiritual people - and it doesnt matter whether you believe in God or not - will keep the people of the Crescent City in your thoughts, prayers, devotionals, or mantras that they will find the help from outside sources and the strength from within to rebuild their homes and rebuild their lives after such mass destruction. i ask everyone who reads this post to take a moment of silence for those who lost their lives from the horrific aftermath of Katrina and perhaps light a candle in remembrance as well.

may God be with the people and city of New Orleans, that they may find comfort and strength to rebuild their homes and their lives.