crippling depression

this was me about a week ago. i was having terrible crying spells, felt useless, worthless, and stupid. yes. that IS exactly how i felt. i was journaling in my Windows NotePad and as i was writing, the overwhelming urge to just lay down and die kept gnawing at me.

i didnt want to live anymore. i felt that i was a burden and a failure to my daughters, and that i wasnt a "whole" person anymore. i made stupid mistakes, and all while i was feeling this way, i could hear my mother's voice berating me, saying i was pathetic and that my kids would be better off without me. i even wrote out my "goodbye note" telling my children i loved them, and God forgive me for what i was gonna do. i think maybe because my hormones were raging (it was that time of the month) and all discombobulated, the feeling of ending my life became overpowering. instead, coward that i am, i curled up in a ball and cried until i couldnt cry no more. not just sniffling tears, but great, heart-wrenching, soul-crushing tears that came deep from within my viscera. it was like my heart was crying and i simply wanted to die. i figured nobody would give a rat's ass anyways, because i was such a screw-up and never seemed to "fit in". huh. i still dont "fit in", but i have a different attitude about it now. quite frankly, i dont give a shit about "fitting in". i'm different, and i dont think there's anything wrong about being different...if anything it makes one unique.

however, when one is in the deathlike grip of crushing depression, and you feel that there's no light at the end of the tunnel, well, one tends to feel like "damaged goods"; rejects that nobody wants, like gum on the heel of somebody's shoe. that's how crippling this illness is. even when i saw my pdoc this past Friday, i started weeping in his office because that deep, visceral pain had crept upon me and i couldnt help it.

i also think what triggered this awful depression is the fact that Saturday would be my dad's 80th birthday, and next month on the 1st of March will be a year ago he passed away. so my heart is heavy. also, during this month, the 14th makes two years ago my babygirl was almost raped, and on the 17th is the 3-year anniversary of when i had my first nervous breakdown.

so i'm gonna have a lot of shit on my mind to deal with. if i dont post anything on the 4th, the 14th or the 17th of this month, or the 1st of next month, please dont worry. i wont do anything to hurt myself; instead, i'll be probably sitting around crying my eyes out, as i play "Dance With My Father" somewhere on this computer. below is the entry i had written last week:

January 27,2006

damn i'm tired. didnt write anything yesterday because i was badly depressed. i cried off and on all this week, and last night i started crying in my sleep. i guess all the pain and hurt that i've been feeling was finally taking its toll on me, not to mention next month is gonna be a muthafucka for me. why? because Feb. 4 would have been my daddy's 80th birthday and he's gone. the 13th is flashbacks to when my babygirl was almost raped, and the 17th - which is when i see Dr. Munoz again - makes 3 years ago i had my first breakdown. i will see Dr. Galligan on the 9th which is good. Dr. Munoz says i really should see Dr. G at least every week, because he knows that i have had a lot happen within a year and he feels that by seeing my T every week will help me to not go back into the dark hole where i start dissociating, which is what i've been doing lately, not to mention not sleeping well and having crying spells.

i know that i'm depressed, and i try to shake it but sometimes it just gets very overwhelming and i wind up crying out of the blue. i also know it could be my hormones too, being that i'm perimenopausal and still have periods which give me hell from time to time and just saps all my energy. i also told Dr. Munoz that i didnt feel the Klonopin wasnt working anymore in helping me sleep at night, and he said he would have to gradually wean me off it and put me on another anti-anxiety med called Trazadone, but not now. i also had him fill out this paper from DHS regarding my continuing Seroquel, because Medicaid wont pay for it unless they get this statement from my pdoc. Dr. Munoz filled out the paper, and told me to take it to Walgreens where i get my meds filled and have them fill out their part of the paper. now i gotta get up the $$$ to have it faxed to DHS, so i can continue the Seroquel until it's all gone. after that, i dont know what he's gonna put me on. he asked me about Geodon and Risperdal, and i told him about the awful side effects of those meds: Geodon made me suicidal and broke me out in a rash, and Risperdal increased my heart rate and i developed horrible tremors and a zombie-like affect.

so i dont know what i'm gonna be taking once i'm done with Seroquel. as long as it aint Geodon or Risperdal, i'm pretty much flexible as to trying something else. i definitely feel the Klonopin's effectiveness has played out, because ordinarily right after i take it along with Seroquel, i would be bouncing off the walls and knocked out sleep. so i dont know if he's gonna increase it or start easing me off it, all i know is that it aint working for me no more, and i just cant abruptly stop taking it without going into severe withdrawal. sigh. all of this just to keep sane. i also dont think Zoloft is working no more either, because i find myself getting more depressed and having suicidal thoughts. so i guess its time to find another "cocktail" so i dont go off the deep end. it aint easy being crazy...but i gotta play the hand that i've been dealt.

my diagnosis? psychosis, severe recurrent depression, PTSD, Dissociative Disorder. in other words, i'm all outta order. it's like that and that's the way it is. life really just sucks for me these days, and a lot of it is all my own doing. but, i cant undo what's already been done. it's my mess and cant nobody clean it up but me. i've become paranoid, sometimes i hear negative voices berating me for being so stupid and it's my mama's voice every time. that just sends me deeper into depression, and i find myself crying uncontrollably sometimes. i feel like a failure to everyone - mainly myself. i feel like a failure to my children, to my life, and i feel like my children shouldnt have to deal with a defective, useless piece of shit like me.

sometimes i wish they would just go on and have me committed because i serve no purpose no more. i feel like an idiot, a person who will never amount to shit, because i am shit. mama, you were right. i was never gonna amount to shit, i do stupid things, and why should my poor children put up with my sorry ass. maybe you're right mama.

maybe i'd be better off dead. nobody would give a shit anyways. nobody would care, much less come to my funeral. wouldnt matter. i'm just a worthless, useless, fat-assed stupid piece of shit that dont nobody gives a shit about. you're right mama. nobody would miss me, hell, what have i contributed to the world? nothing. i cant even raise my children right. i'm a fucking stupid-assed spendthrift who aint about shit. you're right mama. why dont i just do the world a favor and kill myself so that nobody would have to be bothered with my idiot-brained ass.

maybe i should just take a handful of pills, lie down and wait to die. maybe then my wretched soul will finally be at peace. i dont deserve to live and my kids dont deserve a failure like me. nobody would miss me; in fact, they'd probably be glad i'm gone, because i wasnt worth being around. God have mercy on my miserable soul. my beloved children - i know they hate me. i can feel it. so why should i continue living?

the pills are calling me, as i sit here and type and the tears are streaming down my face....no one knows what pain i feel right now, no one could possibly understand how much i hurt deep down inside, down to my very core, and the tears i shed i cant seem to stop...yet the pills are calling me, telling me that all i have to do is just take them and i wont be in anymore pain...just take them, lie down and it will all be over...though i'm fighting the urge with every ounce of strength to not succumb to the calling of the pills...they're calling me...but i wont give in, even though my very soul wants to give in, give up, and just die.

maybe i should call 911 and tell them i'm feeling suicidal...or maybe not. just as soon as the tears let up for a minute, they start right back, and the pain in my soul is like someone has stabbed me in my heart and keeps twisting the knife over and over and over....i so desperately want to die, but yet there's a part of me that is still refusing to give in to the pills that are calling out to me.....calling me...calling...me.......