an emotional day - mentally and physically

made it to my T appt today and i was on time. thankfully the sidewalks were cleared enough so i could walk, albeit painfully, towards the bus stop that takes me to the clinic. the clinic is part of the hospital so i dont have to go out of my way to see my T and Pdoc.

it was a very emotional session. i told my T about my near-suicidal notion and as we got to talking, he asked me what triggered it and i told him that this past Saturday would have been my dad's 80th birthday and how much i missed him. we talked about what kind of man he was, how he was always there for me even though we were separated by distance, and how it hurt me to my core when i learned that he was dying. by that time the tears started and, holding myself i cried like a baby, deep, racking, body-shaking tears.

this doctor is so patient and kind and that only made me cry even harder. thru my tears i told him next month will make a year that my dad passed and i told him how awful i felt that i didnt get to South Carolina in time to hold his hand and kiss him good-bye. my doctor let me cry as long as i had to and as the tears fell, my heart was breaking into a million pieces as i told him how totally devastated i was when i got the call that he passed away, and how i had to put myself on auto-pilot as it were to hurry and get to South Carolina for the graveside funeral. he asked what state of mind i was in and i told him though i was grieving, i found strength within to make my journey there and back. so that was the mentally emotional part of my day. after my session i hobbled over to the ER.

once i got there, the nurse immediately took me to a room and had me put on a gown and helped me to the bed. she took my vitals and once i got settled in, she told me the doc would be in shortly. since i was already mentally wiped out, i lay back and dozed off for a minute. by that time the ER doc came in and i showed her my list of symptoms. she then told me that she was gonna order blood work have the nurse give me a shot for pain, and get an X-ray for my leg and knee.

not long after the doc left, one of the transporters came to get me and took me to Radiology for the X-ray. that went fairly well, and then he brought me back to my room. then the nurse came in and put an IV line in and drew my blood. it amazes me that only a couple of years ago i was doing blood draws on patients and i tried my best to be as gentle as possible. but it's a whole different ball game when it's being done to you.

so she got her three tubes of my blood (she drew from my hand, good God it hurt like hell) and then came back and gave me a pain shot in my shoulder. geez, my pain tolerance must be dwindling because that damn shot HURT like a muthafucka! but after a while, the pain (of the shot) went away and even my old knee relaxed for a bit. so i hung out in my room until i started getting antsy because i wanted to go and have a smoke. i put on my pants and coat and as i was walking to the door i saw the doc and told her i was goin on a smoke break and would be back. she smiled and waved me ahead and out the door i went. while outside, i saw where my daughter had called and i called her back. we talked for a bit and then i went back inside.

after waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the doc and nurse came in with my discharge papers. the doc told me that from the X-rays she saw some deteriroration in my knee joint that she said comes from advancing age (shit, like i needed somebody to tell me i'm OLD for shit's sake!), and my blood work was fine so i should go ahead and follow up with my primary doc on Monday. then she wrote out a script for the same pain med i'd gotten the shot with, and then the nurse took out, or should i say yanked out the IV line and slapped some gauze and tape on it and left.

apparently she didnt apply enough pressure to the vein because when i looked down at my hand blood was spurting like i'd been stabbed. since the curtain was closed and i had access to gauze and tape, i swiped some 4x4's and with all my strength, clamped down on that oozing vein, until the flow stopped. by then there were little dots of blood on the floor, the sink and the chair. i swiped a bottle of peroxide to absorb the blood on the floor and whatnot, then re-gauzed and taped my hand. i hurried up and finished dressing and walked out the door and headed for the bus stop to wait for the bus to take me home. i was drained totally by then. i did make one last stop at the Walgreens on 51st and Cottage Grove to buy me and my daughter some cigs, and THEN i finally rode on home. i was too tired to fill the script, but i have a ginormous bottle of 800 mg ibuprofen tabs i can take for pain.

so that's been my day. i've made a meat loaf and now i'm gonna make some Stove Top stuffing and that will be it for me. it's been quite a day and i will be glad to finally lay these old bag of bones down in my bed, take my bedtime meds and wait for sleep to kick in. i appreciate all of y'all who were concerned about me; no need to worry. i'm gonna be okay *smile*