another lonely day. sometimes i wonder 'why bother' to get out of bed. but yet, i do. i dont think my bedtime meds are working for me no more, because here of late i've been staying up past 10pm (which was my usual bedtime) to sometimes 12, 1 and 2 am. next month i will discuss this with my pdoc. i also have to catch myself from 'zoning out' (otherwise known as 'dissociation') when i'm typing on this computer. i will say one thing -- typing all of this out and knowing that there are others out there who suffer similar symptoms is a comfort to me. a part of me wants to go back to bed and stay there the rest of the day, but somehow i just cant make myself do it. the sun is shining brightly, but the way i feel right now, i could give less than a rat's ass about it. *sigh*.
i did get out yesterday because i had to meet up with my friend V at the hospital where i used to work because she had some stuff for me as i for her. we did our pleasantries and she had a doctor's appointment to go to and i just went on and left.
today, i kinda feel myself starting to relapse...and i can tell when i start having dissociative spells, not wanting to do anything, go anywhere, or even take a bath. i left a message on my oldest daughters cell phone telling her i found my $3.00 coupon for Virginia Slims cigs, because she said that she would come by here tomorrow and get it so she could buy me a carton. and she said she was gonna probably take her sister out for her birthday, being that she's turning 18 next thursday. right now i feel hollow, blah, empty. the only friends i have are V, who i talk to almost every day, and the nice folks here who post their comments, and my Yahoo IM chat friends. in a way i feel cut off from the world, like i dont exist. i suppose i'm depressed about getting my check next month without the extra money i got for my daughter, because i know i wont have nearly anything left once i pay rent and my online bills. yet i will have an increase in my food stamps. *twirls finger in the air* -- i guess i should count my blessings because last month i was getting only $10 in food stamps, and come next month my medicaid card will be back to normal and i can go see my T and my pdoc. i dunno...i think i may wind up going back to the partial hospital program. i was doing fine once i got out, now, i feel like i'm starting to relapse again. it's like i have no interest in anything except keeping up this blog and reading my email. some life huh?
i know some people would say, 'well you gotta force yourself to do things.' OK. but how can i force myself to 'do things' when i have NO motivation, NO interest and NO desire? no disrespect to those of y'all who are bipolar, but i wish i had the mania -- maybe then things would get done around here that i have just upped and neglected. i'd have a clean house, things would be in order, and i probably would go somewhere to just get out of the fuckin house.
but-- unfortunately i'm more depressive, so i tend to shut down totally. when i was in PHP that at least gave me the motivation to get up in the morning, even tho my rides would come at like 6:45, 7 am and i'm not fully awake yet. but i have my bus pass and disabled rider pass, so i could come on my own....shit. scratch that notion. i just gotta figure out a way to get thru this.
the bitch of it is......................................HOW?
2 comments:
What's been recommended to me, in terms of forcing myself to do things even when I don't want to (& I usually don't want to do anything), is to make a schedule for each day. Could contain one simple action like taking a shower or getting dressed. But at least you did something, even if it's small. Start with little things and then add to the list. The next day you get dressed and make the bed. When we have idle time, we're going to waste it. If we have an action plan, we're more likely to take action.
I totally understand not having the motivation to do anything. I am in that phase right now and I am starting to think that this isn't just a phase. I think it is apart of my life now. I just have to do what I can and try to be happy and satisfied with that. I am schizoaffective so I get it from all angles. It sucks huh? Hang in there and it's ok to only do what you feel like you can do.
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