right now i am TOTALLY pissed off! somebody stole my cigs i ordered online! i honestly believe it was the mail carrier because when i check the tracking number at the USPS web site, it said they were delivered Saturday at 12:22 in the afternoon and signed off with MY initials (G.M.) ! WTF? the cigs were some discount brand, but goddam it i paid $19.67 via e-check for 'em and somebody steals my identity AND my squares! i am filing a complaint with the Post Office and the Postmaster General to find out who the fucker is that clipped my squares. oh i am NOT givin up on this! i'm trying to cut corners by buying some super cheap cigs so that i wont have to pay $5 or $6 a pack and at least have a carton to last me the month. now this. hell, i'm only gettin a check for myself now, and my budget is gonna be super tight and yes i know smoking is a bad habit, but goddam it, at least it's legal and it helps me keep sane, a'ight? i know i shouldnt be bitching about some cheap cigarettes, but dammit, i paid for 'em so i could have SOMETHING that i enjoyed, and it didnt mean a rat's ass if they were cheap, just as long as i didnt have to pay no $5-5.50-5.75 to $6.00 for no squares, shit!
well, my oldest daughter called me back because i had left a voice mail message telling her my tale of woe. she was just as pissed as i was about somebody having the balls to take my carton of cigarettes. i bitched to her about what had happened, and then she told me "mommy (she's 26 years old but still calls me "mommy" *big cheesy grin*) dont worry. i'll pick a carton of cigarettes for you. and i'm gonna get you a new telephone too" because my phone is shot to hell. that nearly brought me to tears when she said that. i told her "you gonna make me cry" and she said "no cry for mommy" (lol). i told her how sweet she was to do that and that i had a coupon (somewhere around here, i'm gonna find it too dammit) for $4.00 off a carton of Virginia Slims (any brand) and she said she'd come by on Thursday to get it. that brightened my day considerably. i thank God for both my daughters. i dont know what i would do without them. and it's funny, i had just got off the phone with my friend V, who was gonna bring me a phone, which i thought was a very wonderful gesture from her, and i called her back on my cellphone and told her she didnt have to bring it after all, that my oldest daughter was gonna buy me a new phone. V has been very good and kind to me, and i have two cards of appreciation i'm going to give her tomorrow when we see each other. the poor girl suffers from BPD (bipolar and borderline personality disorders) and my heart goes out to her because she struggles so hard to keep herself together and stay strong in her Christian faith, and she has become my best friend because we understand one another's pain and trials and tribulations. she has given me clothes, food and even money when i didnt have it, and i try to reciprocate back to her as i can by giving her cards, and even money if i have it. she even got a little gift for my youngest daughter's upcoming birthday, and i thought that was so sweet of her to do that. she's "adopted" my youngest as her little 'goddaughter' because i always talk about how she always looks out for 'mommy'.
yes me and my girls have had our share of squabbles, fights and tears, but i thank the Good Lord they are still here for me. if i didnt have them, i probably would be dead and gone. i love them so much it hurts. and at times i feel bad, especially about my youngest, because i dont always have money to buy her the things she wants. it hurts me to the point i sometimes break down and cry because i want her to have everything and i feel like a loser because i cant give it to her. but she is resourceful, and she has her little job at the neighborhood candy store where she is saving her little money in her cute blue "pig pig" piggybank.
also at times, i feel like a burden to my kids because of my illness. i sometimes feel guilty that they look out for me, and i'm a worthless piece of shit because i am unable to work anymore. i hate this illness and what it has done to me, and yes, in my darkest, most wretched moments, i dont feel that my daughters deserve a broken, worthless half-crazy mother like me, and i will go into the bathroom and stare long and hard at the bottle of ibuprofen with tears in my eyes because i feel they deserve a mother who is mentally stable and whole, not an old broke-down nutjob like me. then i close the cabinet and sit on the commode and weep, because i know it would hurt my kids more if i killed myself, so i push those thoughts out of my mind.
as i type this missive, i'm sitting here with tears in my eyes because for a long time i thought my kids hated me, and now i see they always loved me, even when i didnt love myself. i'm crying now because of the love i have for my children is so deep it hurts.
i better go now. it's getting harder to type while i'm crying like this.
1 comment:
Wish there was something I could say. I can't say I know what you are going through, but I have felt this way - broken- still feel this way. But am doing better with it. This is not what I wanted to say. I just wanted to connect to you and somehow tell you that it is going to be okay.
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