who the hell am i? i have no clue anymore. i finally made appointments to see my T and my psychiatrist next month. it's been too long and i need to talk. i see my T on the 8th of September and the pdoc on the 13th of September. i told my T that i have been going thru an emotional rollercoaster lately and i needed to talk to him. i just hope i can remember what the hell has had me going like this.
part of it is my monthly visitor from hell, that bitch "Aunt Flo". my hormones have been scrambled and my emotional sensitivity has been at an all time high, where i've just cried and cried for no reason, other than the inner pain i've experienced from childhood on comes back to haunt me from time to time. i've not wanted to go anywhere, i've lost interest in volunteering, shit, i'm just all fucked up. i think what also may be bothering me is the fact i wont be receiving that extra check for my daughter no more, because she's 18 now (her birthday was yesterday) and my cash flow will be extra tight. the rent takes out a huge chunk ($550 a month), and i dont know how i'm gonna make it after that. that depresses me more than anything.
so, who the hell am i? i wish to God i knew. it's like just when i think things couldnt get any worse, more shit happens to almost send me over the edge. sometimes i just sit and space out smoking a cigarette, my mind a complete blank, not to mention my facial expression. i damn sure dont wanna go back in the hospital again, and i dont feel suicidal. so i dont know what the hell to feel right now. my friend V says maybe once i start seeing my T again on a regular basis, that maybe my mood will improve and i will get out of this funk i've been in for the last couple of months. i dunno. maybe-maybe not.
i need to throw away these damn catalogs i've been getting in the mail, because of course i will always see something that i like and have to remind myself "you cant afford that", which only pushes me into an even deeper depression, because i've always prided myself on keeping up my appearance, including my hair and hygiene. i wouldnt have two cents sometimes to my name, but i tried to always look my best to ME. and i wont sit here and lie and say that shit dont hurt my feelings. i did manage to squeeze out a little something for myself a couple days ago -- now, you all may go, why would you pay $5.50 for one pair of fishnet trouser socks? because i liked 'em and i wanted 'em. then i went to the Ashley Stewart store and asked the saleslady if i had a store credit from a forgotten layaway, and if so , could i use it. she looked it up and said yes, i had a store credit of $14.00. so i used it to buy a pair of snazzy sunglasses and a pair of big brass circle earrings. i felt somewhat better, because having the $14 credit was almost like free money. then i went to KFC and got their 10pc special which included a free cake and then went on home.
now i see the new fall clothes in these catalogs and realize i wont be able to afford a pair of new jeans or dress boots, and as i said, it just makes me feel like shit inside. altho i've gained some extra weight, i have always worn clothes that flattered my short plump little body and not dressed like a hoochie mama wearing shit that does not work for my body shape, unlike some of the full-figured women i've seen wearing that crap.
i am thankful that i do have a decent winter coat and some winter boots, so i dont have to worry about that, but i seriously doubt if i come out of the house come wintertime, unless it's to keep my t and pdoc appointments, go grocery shopping and go pay my rent. other than that, i am probably gonna keep my ass indoors and out of the cold and snow.
right now....this is where i will be until i can find a way out of this dark, depressed hole.
6 comments:
I have asked myself this question a million times. I have always thought I would know when I got older. Well, I'm getting older without progress....maybe a little, but not enough. I think that most people ask themselves this, mentally ill or not.
Take care
About a year ago I heard a song that said, “Loves the only house big enough for all the pain in the world…”
Sometime after that I decided just to love everybody including myself no matter what. I think this has made me feel better, but I’m not sure. I still get irritated and depressed and stuff, but I keep trying.
I was sitting here smoking a cig, and looking blank too, until I read your blog and it gave me a lot to think about for a while—Thanks for sharing.
I’m gonna go watch TV now…
"Who the hell am I?" Gawd, that can be the hardest question to answer somethings. Hang on in there until your pdoc and therapist appointment, hey! You never know, but it might be good to be able to unload everything in a supportive atmosphere like that. Glad you were able to treat yourself a little at the Ashley Stewart store. Take care.
It does really bite lots of times to see something that you want and not be able to get it. I am glad that you got the credit at the store and got some things that you like..who should care if you spent however much on a pair of socks if you like them! My friend and I have a saying about lj's which stands for litte joys and that at least for me that sometimes something like getting a new pair of socks is an lj and helps the day at least for me not totally bite. OH I have planned to email you back this week has been so busy and I am sleeping lots and lots these days.
I think you've done a good job in setting up appts with your T and pdoc. It would be good to get that support from them.
I know how hard it is to get outside the house. I feel like just staying indoors a lot of the time too.
Polar
I agree with polar that having a regular outlet with a therapist is very important.
Post a Comment