well here i am again. after that sudden burst of energy to wash my dishes and sweep my floors, i havent budged from this spot since. i have been reading other blogs and i can totally relate to a lot of the people who wrote them....especially about feeling 'numb' or on 'auto-pilot' (sorry Sid! didnt mean to steal those from you) well that's how i feel (?). i have caught myself dissociating off and on at times, even while reading the blogs. it's like a part of me is all of a sudden paranoid about unnecessary shit....
hallucinating sometimes? yeah.....it's like i see a shadow whiz by the corner of my eye...and then it's not there.
voices? yes, but on a low level.
feeling the urge to scream for no reason? yep. big time.
feeling like i dont know who i am or what i want to do with my life? damn skippy.
getting more and more isolated and not wanting to be around people? oh yeah.
flat affect? yep.
do i feel like taking a bath and washing my hair? nope.
am i suicidal? we'll come back to that one.
do i wanna just run screaming into the street? uh huh.
am i getting to the point where i am giving less than a shit about other people? hell yeah.
why am i asking myself these fucking question? havent a clue.
do i want to lie down and go back to sleep? yeah, but then i'll be up all fucking night, so that's not an option.
racing thoughts? oh most definitely.
am i suicidal? no.
am i homicidal? that's a 50-50 answer.
do i feel the need to self mutilate myself? no. too scared of my own blood (yet i've seen patients bleed out when i worked in the hospital - wtf?)
does chain-smoking count as self harm? um, yeah.
does anything feel right to me? no.
what exactly do i feel? i have no clue.
why am i even keeping up this stupid blog? i have no life and dont know what the fuck else to do.
why dont you want to get out of the house and do something? because i just fucking dont want to!
dont you like people? not anymore.
do you miss having a relationship? HELL NO.
do i dissociate when i walk down the street? yes. i almost got hit by a car (maybe wishful thinking?) but i caught myself.
do you like yourself? not at all.
do you believe people when they say that you are talented and should let the world see it? hellfucking NO.
why am i asking myself all these questions? hell if i know.
do you LIKE being depressed? sometimes. it seems when something good happens, i always expect the other shoe to drop, so what's the point in being happy?
do you have any sexual interest in anyone? LOL. that's a laugh. but NO. i could care less.
do you get offended if people call you 'mean?' no. been called that all my fucking life.
do the misfortunes of people you dislike make you happy? muwahahahahahahahahaha oh yeah!
if you were a killer, what kind of killer would you be? a revenge killer *evil grin*
would you just kill the person outright or make them suffer and then kill them? *evil laugh* oh most definitely torture and then kill 'em. more fun that way *wink*
are these the end of these stupid questions? *shrugs* yeah. i guess. fuck it.
3 comments:
these are great questions, and i'm sure lots af people think of them as well. thank you for putting them on here, and answering them honestly.
you have a great way of getting your thoughts down. i was blog surfing and came across yours. it hits a spot with me. i can relate. you'll be bookmarked. keep up the writing...
Hmm, my answers were almost identical except the hallutionation thing, and the voices. Maybe you have super normal senses that our current physical brains just can't handle too well right now, and the rest of us are just 'normal'.
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