thoughts

i know it's been a while since my last post. it's been bill paying and rent paying time and i have been out in the hot sun running around trying to take care of my business. i finally figured out why i have felt numb...i think my pdoc increased my meds so that the pain of losing my dad wouldnt send me over the edge and back into the hospital again. it makes perfect sense now. still -- i have moments of feeling empty and lonely, but i have a good friend from the PHP program that i talk to regularly. she has bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. yet, we talk and try to be as supportive to each other as possible. she is a wonderful person, she's given me clothes and food when i was in need, and i try my best to show her my appreciation to her by doing little things when i can. she's like a sister to me, and if i can help her in some way in the ways she's helped me, i will do my very best to do so.


for those of you who dont have a mental illness, i wouldnt wish it on anyone. it can be very debilitating, and a lot of people simply wont take the time or the effort to learn about them. and it pisses me the hell off when some people say "well, everybody gets depressed. you gonna be alright" and other asinine remarks. i say until you have walked in my shoes, you cant tell me shit about how i feel, ok? that was the issue with my ex -- and now one of her daughters has to see a therapist and take anti-depressant medication because she had an extreme bout of post-partum depression where she hit her baby and now is under investigation by DCFS. oh well...what goes around comes around. she also told me that her son is involved with an obviously psychotic girl -- i mean, who goes and cuts a pair of Jordans in half and then nails it to the door with a fucking butcher's knife? the girl is obviously mentally unbalanced, and i hate to say it, but i have this gut feeling she's gonna go over the edge one day with all the bullshit that is going on with her children. oh, and her other daughter and baby have to be tested for Hepatitis C, because when the girl got a transfusion of some sorts, her doctor told her it was infected with the Hep C virus, and get this -- the people who provide blood, plasma and platelets -- i wont say their name but they know who they are -- had told her doctor not to tell her about it! is that fucked up or what? um, can you say lawsuit? i think the hell so! so like i said, it aint gonna be long before all of this takes its toll on her and she winds up in therapy. oh well. shit happens.


and mind you, i'm not jumping up and down with glee about what's going on with her children, but i see it as comeuppance time for the times she was not supportive of me. i am genuinely sorry all of that is going on with her children, but as i say, it's all gonna back up in her one day, and she's gonna need therapy just to keep her own self sane. but for now, all i can do is pray for her and her family. hell, right now i'm doing whatever it takes to keep ME sane.

anyways, that's it for now. feel free to post comments....they would be greatly appreciated.