emotionally numb

today i just feel like my emotions have had a whopping dose of Novacaine injected into them. i'm not depressed, just...numb for lack of a better word. i mean, all my bills are paid, my rent is paid, i have food in my crib, but i cant understand for the life of me why i feel so emotionally numb inside. i guess i got a industrial-strength case of anhedonia meaning "loss of pleasure." that seems to fit my mood right now. i should be out and about enjoying the sun and cooler temperatures, but instead i'd rather just hide away from the world.

people that i know say i am talented and i should share my talents to the world, because i like to draw, and also write poetry. and it's funny -- those very things used to give me a lot of pleasure. i used to do open mike poetry events....now, i just dont want to be bothered. *sigh*

i fill my days now getting up out of bed, and sitting at this computer all day long, either surfing or playing Yahoo! computer games. what friends i used to hang out with, i just dont want to no more...i mean my godson is a DJ, and he plays the kind of music i like which is dusties (an affectionate term black folks here in Chi-town call 'oldies') and there was a time i would not be sittin at home on a saturday night but hangin wit him and dancin my ass off. now......i cant be bothered. i mean, sittin in a old-ass lounge with some even older-ass old men and women perched at the bar or elsewhere just dont fly wit me. and i hate when them old-ass-Viagra-taking muthafuckas try to push up on me....shit, go take yo old ass home and soak ya dentures, Poli-Grip breath, damn!

i am gonna call my T tomorrow and set up an appointment. maybe by talkin somma this shit out will help me feel better --- i dunno. as i said in my last post, i aint combed this sheep's ass head of mine, i aint bothered to take a bath, i just dont feel like doing a goddam thing. the TV is on watchin the room, and i could really care less. my teenage daughter is gatherin her clothes together to do her laundry...me? fuck it. i'm lucky if i summon up the energy to wash out some draws for myself. nothing --- absolutely NOTHING interests me right now. so FUCK IT.

if anybody else out there has/is feelin what i'm sayin here, holla back, a'ight?

three tears in a bucket, muthaFUCK it.