here i am again. same shit, no different than my last post. *sigh*. i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me. i mean, damn, i take my meds the way i'm s'posed to, yet i feel like i'm in the fuckin' Twilight Zone and just waitin' for Rod Serling to come out and say "picture a woman, alone, sitting in the dark, smoking a cigarette, aimlessly typing shit nobody will probably ever read. she hasnt washed in two weeks, her hair is like a sheep's ass, and she dont give a fuck. this is the border between sanity and madness....next stop, the Twilight Zone......"
*sigh*. i just got off the phone with one of my friends i met when i was in the partial hospital program. i know all the things she's tellin me are right....that i should get out more, make myself do things that make me happy, bla bla bla....yet i just dont have the fuckin motivation to do a damn thing. and i know i should. i know this, but yet...shit, i just fuckin dont want to. i know it aint time for that bitch 'Aunt Flo' to make her monthly visit cuz i just finished with her ass last month, so i dunno.....i just fuckin dont know.
oh wait, i did manage to take my fat ass to the gas station to buy me a couple packs of squares, but even while i was walking i felt like i wasnt in my body....my affect is flat, and i caught myself starting to zone out. if i hadnt, i probably woulda got my ass run over when i crossed the street both coming and going. maybe i'm upset because i dont have enuf money to really give to my teenage daughter for her b-day that's comin up. i will get her a card and put whatever i can finagle in the card, but then she was sayin she wanted a cake for her b-day....and with the fuckin $10 i get a month in food stamps, well hell that's gone already. and birthday cakes dont come cheap.....the child is gon be 18 -- shit i didnt have no cake when i turnt 18.....but i love her dearly so i'm gonna find a way somehow....maybe i can ask my oldest daughter for the money......
Lord, please if you're listening, whatever this funk that i'm in please, i beg you, help me out of it. i used to be a person that stayed on the move....now i'm just a fuckin hermit. yet i know my friend is right....i need to get my fat ass up and outta this house. this is so not me.....i'm a Capricorn dammit, and we usually are always moving....but then again, depression is common with this sign too and when we get depressed, i mean we get DEPRESSED ok?
and to think a few months earlier i was full of energy....what the fuck happened????? i mean, when i was working, i used to dream about staying home all the time, which caused me problems with my attendance at the jobs i had. now that i am home all the time, i dont know what the fuck to do! i need to clean my house, but the thought of that just makes me tired. i used to work like a dog when i was working -- i mean from the time i hit the floor at 3pm all the way til 11pm, i was movin non-stop (FYI i used to work as a CNA - certified nurse assistant in various hospitals). a lot of the shit i did would have killed the average person, but no, not me....i would pull 300-450 pound patients up in the bed BY MYSELF ok? i would go out of my way to make sure my patients were well tended before i ended my shift, even to the point if an admission came in and my shift was officially over, i would sometime deliberately miss my bus so i could get that patient admitted and settled in their room so that the 11-7 crew wouldnt have to do it. call me stupid, but that was just the way i worked. now, after 11 years, you couldnt pay me to do that kind of shit no more. and i'm suffering from all that heavy work...i had to have surgery on my right shoulder because i had torn a ligament next to the rotator cuff from pullin heavy assed muthafuckas off stretchers and on to their beds. and now that same shoulder hurts like a muthafucka from the overuse - again. both my knees are shot to hell from standing on my feet all the damn time and from falling on both of em several times. i have to walk with a cane just to climb these three flights of concrete stairs in my building. and yeah, i know i need to lose weight, but fat lazy bitch that i am, again i say FUCK IT. i had dropped about 30 pounds before i stopped working, to the point my fucking uniforms started hanging offa me. now if i were to try em all on they'd be too fuckin small. FUCK IT.
i just got too much jumbled shit churnin around in my head. God help me, please.....i dont know what the hell else to do.....
3 comments:
Hiya MizEeyore..thanks for stopping by my blog. I think we're appearing in the same Twilight Zone episode, only my hair isn't like a sheep's ass (that analogy made me giggle), it's more like a goat's.
I understand about not having the motivation to do anything. And I was the exact same way when I was working too. Used to be an accountant (among other things) and loved to stay home so much I'd miss quite a bit of work. Now that I'm on disability too, I don't want to be at home but don't have the energy or motivation to get out there and do anything.
Have you thought about playing Betty Crocker and making a cake for your daughter? Doesn't even have to be from scratch, you could just buy a mix and some frosting. It won't be as pretty as a bakery-made cake, but it'll be made with love (and if I was baking it, a whole lot of swearing cuz I can barely turn the oven on!).
Take care of you!
Just stumbled across your blog today and wanted to say hey. I love the way you write ... so incredibly down to earth and matter-of-fact. It only took me reading through the first paragraph of your current post to have me reading through the whole of your archives. Thank you for sharing so much of your life.
I totally understand the no motivation thing and the inability to get up and go outside. I realise that this will probably sound incredibly lame, but I wish you the best and hope that things start to get a little easier soon. Take care.
Hi again. well I think it's really good that you're writing your thoughs here. And, I dont think they sound jumbled at all. I understand how you feel about not being motivated to do anything, it's hard when something has a grip on you so tight all the time. well, i'll be back, and i am really enjoying your blog.
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