tired of people's bullshit

shit. a boring day all around. i guess i'm back in the fog again. aint wanted to do shit, but sit my fat ass at this computer and read other folks blogs and post comments. wow...fun, huh? at least i know there are other folks out there kindasorta feeling the way i do from time to time.

i went online and saw my phone bill and nearly fainted....but i knew it would be high, so i immediately got on the horn and called SBC to work out a payment plan. as i said before, it's gonna be tighter than tight around here, and i know when shit like this happens, that's usually when i start relapsing. but i'm gonna fight it wit all i got. i went ahead and gave my youngest daughter her birthday card and present ( a cute Pooh Bear wallet where i'd hidden some money) early so that i wouldnt forget to do it when her actual birthday comes on the 25th. she's been making $15 a day working in the little candy store and i'm proud of her putting her money in her little blue plastic piggy bank. once again, the TV is yappin at the living room, cuz i've been online all damn day either playing computer games or reading blogs. great life, eh?

i went to the pdoc appt yesterday, but i cancelled it because i didnt wanna take a chance and get a bill because those fuckers from Amerigroup are still on my medicaid card until next month, then they will be gone for good. my pdoc understood my dilemma, and i said that once i got the new medicaid card for september minus Amerigroup then i will make an appointment. he did tell me if i needed meds that he would help me out with samples until everything is finally straigtened out. so far *knock wood* i'm ok in that department. i also gotta call my T and tell him what i told my pdoc, because i was supposed to have an appointment with him on monday.

*sigh* well soon i'll get my cig order (cheap ones mind you) and i wont have to buy cigs for a while provided i dont get stressed and chain-smoke like i've been doing. and, next month i can actually go grocery shopping like i used to since public aid increased my foodstamps from the shitty $10 i was getting.

you know what amazes me and pisses me off at the same time? when you (choose) to disclose you have a mental illness, and you keep yourself up, they look at you or say asinine shit like, "well you seem fine to me" or "i dont see anything different about you". NEWS FLASH! just because a person takes the time to groom themselves and not look like a bag lady, or a bum, dont mean that they are 'ok'! sure, there are many poor souls walking around dirty, disheveled, and talking to themselves, but most of those poor souls cant help it. so i say dont pigeonhole the others who take the time to keep themselves clean and neat, that we too should "look" like those poor souls, a'ight? i recall a time when my ex said some shit to me that i shoulda went off about, like, "well are you EVER gonna get well? are you EVER gonna go back to work?" like i was some lazy deadbeat living off "the good working people" like her, and so many others, collecting a check every month. WTF?

to answer that question, i dont KNOW if i will ever be 'well' ! would you ask a diabetic if they will ever "get well"? would you ask a person with leukemia will they ever "get well"? i am so goddam tired of the stigma associated with mental illness! yes, some of us DO eventually "get well" but it's a daily struggle to just keep sane. just like patients who have cancer, and go into remission, so it is with the mentally ill. we go into 'remission' and can be just fine until something throws a monkey wrench into that 'well' state and fucks us up again. those of us who suffer from depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, panic/anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other mental illnesses are no different than those who have diabetes, or high blood pressure (hypertension), or HIV, or cancer. we have a legitimate ILLNESS that can be just as debilitatitng, just as severe, and sad to say, sometimes deadly as those other physical illnesses. when one loses touch with reality, has crying spells, racing thoughts, hallucinations/hearing voices, or even contemplating s*icide, we are sick too! but i guess these uninformed idiots think that because some of us still keep up our hygiene, and can hold a conversation that we are
"getting over on the system" and that we "could hold a job if we really wanted to".
and that we should "just snap out of it". ANOTHER NEWS FLASH---some of us just cant "snap out of it" ok? any little thing can trigger a relapse that could put us back in the hospital, ok?

i get sick and fucking tired of people saying trite shit like 'well everybody gets depressed sometimes....you'll be alright." i say FUCK YOU! unitl you have experienced what i have, until YOU have burst into tears while working, until YOU have sat around in your nightclothes day after day, zoning out into space, or heard voices, or worse, have considered ending your life because you feel like a worthless piece of shit that nobody gives a fuck about, muthafucka, dont tell me shit about how I should feel, a'ight? keep your asinine bullshit to y'self, ya heard?

if anybody can relate to this, feel free to post a comment. BTW- thanks to all who have visited and read my blog....it means a lot to me.

holla back, a'ight?