just popping in with update from yesterday's doc visit

the return dr visit yesterday went okay. i found out that i have fibroids, which explain the heavy periods and clots, i'm a bit anemic, from losing all that blood each month, my cholesterol is elevated, and i'm going to be taking meds for that...and i'm going be put on another BP med. oh, and i have bronchitis on top of all of that. *sigh*

i find that when i write all my symptoms down it helps me remember the reason for my visits. i think the resident doc (a male) and my primary doc (a very nice Russian lady) seemed impressed that i knew and understood medical terminology, because the resident doc said to me, "this is very good," and took off with my list to show my primary doc.

but i digress. they gave me scripts for an antibiotic, to take care of the bronchitis, one for iron pills, to help with the anemia, and one for the cholesterol and blood pressure. unfortunately i didnt have the $3 co-pay for the cholesterol and BP meds (Lipitor and Norvasc), but i will get them when i get my direct deposit. then the lady doc told me she will have me seen by a Gyn doc regarding the fibroids. i told her that i didnt want HRT (hormone replacement therapy) because i smoke, and i'm trying to quit (actually cut down to the point where i stop altogether), so she told me that perhaps a hysterectomy might be needed, and i did not have a problem with that. i was blessed with two beautiful daughters, and i am DONE with making babies - i got my tubes tied shortly after my second daughter was born, so i really dont have anymore use for my uterus. if it stops the monthly misery, hey, i'm all for it. oh yeah, and after i finish my antibiotics, i have to come back for a chest X-ray too to see if there's any further damage to my lungs.

anyways, i just thought i would give y'all the 411 on the doc visit. i'm going back into hiding now. blessings and love to you all.

going back into hiding

sorry all. i am going back into hiding. i'm battling a nasty cold AND my monthly misery and i just dont have anything remotely interesting to say.

please dont worry about me. take care of yourselves, okay?

peace.

this is my daughter - Happy Birthday Sweetheart!

on this day, 27 years ago, during the Blizzard of 1979, i gave birth to a beautiful and precious baby daughter, whom i love dearly.

i named her Aqueelah, which, in Arabic means "intelligent" and Na'eemah, which means "beautiful."

she has been thru her share of hurt, pain, disappointment and heartbreak, yet, in spite of it all, she still shines like the brightest star in the Universe. she is indeed very intelligent, very beautiful, smart, has a warped sense of humor just like her mama, and has been there for me countless times. she graduated with High Honors from high school, got her AA degree from junior college and her Bachelor's from DePaul University, again with High Honors. she is my firstborn, and today is her birthday.

Happy Birthday sweetheart. Mommy loves you so very much *smile*

what becomes of the brokenhearted

i just dropped in for a minute to thank all of you who have left such kind comments. i'm not deserving of such kindness...and right now the tears have come from nowhere and i cant stop them.

i think i know why i'm slowly slipping into the dark pit. on the 1st of next month will make one year that my father slipped away from me and went Home to be with God and my mother.

i promise i wont keep whining about it. right now all i can hear in my mind is the song "Can Heaven Wait" by the late Luther Vandross, and each lyric of the song rips my heart to shreds...

and then the tears start falling again.............

going into hiding

this is gonna be my last post for awhile. sometimes i get tired of thinking of things to write about, without sounding redundant, or like i'm steadily repeating myself...duh, that's what redundant means *slaps forehead - sigh* or posting meaningless drivel about a whole lot of nothing.

right now, i am in a very down mood, and i also have some dire personal issues that need my attention. it's hard to focus on writing when that is weighing heavy on my mind. i appreciate everyone who i have had the pleasure of making friends with here in Blogland. please dont worry about me -- take care of yourselves. i'll be okay.

i just need some time to sort out my thoughts and reasons why i always seem to self-sabotage myself -- especially financially. i thank all of you who have left comments -- y'all are a wonderful group of people and it's comforting to know i'm not alone in my thinking sometimes.

tomorrow i see my T and P-doc. maybe while i'm talking to my T i can release some of the anxieties i have and other shit that's been on my mind. i feel very blessed to have come to know you all and it is my sincerest hope and prayer that one day we who suffer will finally be freed from the shackles of mental illness.

until then, i bid all of you peace, blessings, love and Light.

nobody cares about you when you're down and out

i'm sitting here in my dark kitchen typing these words, yet i feel nothing. i might as well be brutally honest here -- i am in a financial bind yet again. when i went online to check my checking account balance, well, let's just say it aint pretty.

i have been trying to get thru to some of my family, namely my brother and sister, and of course, with my luck, nobody's available, or the number has been disconnected. and the fees are adding up every day. luckily all my bills are paid so that at least gives me some comfort; however, i want to get rid of that ugly overdraft before the 3rd of next month; otherwise i will be truly screwed.

i'm tired of pretending like everything is just peachy when i know it aint. one can only keep up the charade for so long, until reality comes to bite you in the ass. and right now, it's taken a huge chunk outta my ass.

it's like i said...nobody cares when you're down and out. that's been the story for me my entire life, and i'm playing the hand that i've been dealt. oh well.

Doc visit went well

well i made it thru my doctor's appointment. only thing is the lady doc i was supposed to see is going to be leaving from what i learned of the male doc who saw me today. no matter. i gave him my list of symptoms, pains and whatnot and i think he was impressed that i had some medical knowledge because i used to work there.

he upped my BP meds because my pressure was ugly high - 160/200, and of course he told me i gotta lose weight because he said that was a factor of my knees being shot to shit (he didnt say it like that LOL). he measured my height and weight - i'm 5 feet 1 inches short LOL; but when he told me my weight i nearly fainted - i weigh 276 pounds - damn, i knew i had put on weight but good God, i didnt know exactly how much! so i'm short and fat. aint nuttin' new. i aint never been a size 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, or 12; mostly 14 from teenager until i had my first child, then it went downhill from there; after the second child, it REALLY went downhill with the quickness.

but, he was nice about it and i go back to the clinic on the 23rd for more bloodwork, including thyroid function, an ultrasound to see if i have fibroids which make me bleed buckets every freakin' month; and another X-ray of my right knee, and probably an MRI too. so they are gonna give me a THOROUGH workup. including *sigh* helping me to quit smoking. with the gum - YUCK. i remember when i was first hospitalized the nurse slapped a patch on me, which later broke me out in a hideous rash, and then she gave me the gum *yucccccccccccccck* i nearly puked chewing that shit. the doc wrote a script for the gum, and added "give patient gum that tastes good" ROFL -- this is gonna be interesting to say the least.

i had made sure i'd listed all my psych meds and he was nice enough to offer to refill em if i needed, but since i just refilled them, i politely told him i was good with those. i go online and refill them at Walgreen's website. they e-mail me when my meds are ready for pickup and all i have to do is get on the bus and ride up there and if i have no copay, just pick 'em up and go.

he also wrote me a script for a generic version of Zantac, because i've been having reflux-like episodes that seem to happen in the middle of the night, and sometimes make me hurl. the BP meds are the same but at a higher dosage. i'm gonna get my mammo and Pap too. so i'm covering all the bases. it's been a long time since i had a thorough physical -- my old doc would just breeze in, check my vitals, and ask if a need refills of my BP meds. plus i had to make a $2 copay. so that's why i chose the hospital clinic. if i need tests done, i'm already there and dont have to have a referral and NO CO-PAY. Medicaid covers pretty much everything. so i have my medical doctor and T and P-doc all in one place.

and speaking of P-doc and T, i see them back-to-back this coming Friday. my medical doc is aware of my mental illnesses too.

anyway, that's the 4-1-1 on the doctor visit today. i am truly pooped and i think i'm gonna lie down for a while. it's been a long day. i've already taken two of my 800mg ibuprofen tabs to dull this throbbing pain in my right knee, cuz i've been on it all day and i've had to put all my weight on the left leg, and it's starting to cry in pain too. did i mention the doc wants to do a neuro check to see why i'm having this pins-and-needles numbness in my hands? no? well, consider it mentioned LOL

damn. it's literally taken me 47 years to finally see about my physical health. but i suppose better late than never. i've been so busy trying to maintain my sanity that i've completely neglected my body's health. oh well. i made a start today, so i suppose that counts for something, huh?

new medical doc visit today

well today i visit my new med doc. i've already taken my bath and gotten dressed, which seemed like it took forever, but i did it. i'm just sitting here typing out this stuff and letting my pores completely close before i head out. it's pretty cold out and i didnt wanna just jump right out of the tub and hurriedly throw my clothes on and go out the door. besides, my right knee is killing me and i took my time putting on socks and shoes.

before i head to the clinic, i'm gonna take back some of the items i bought yesterday to be re-credited to my card. i realize some of it was impulsive behavior and i really got to stop that. once i'm done with that, then i'll settle down on the bus for the long ride to the clinic. luckily i take one bus going and one coming back so it's a straight shot to and from.

i'm gonna ask the doc if she could do an MRI of my knee, as well as get a neuro consult, for the "pins and needles" sensations in my fingers, legs and feet. i already had the bloodwork done, and it was good; however, i need to get my mammogram and Pap done too.

damn. i just remembered....getting the Pap would mean having to heist my legs in those stirrup thingys and i can hardly bend my right knee as it is...fuck fuck fuckkkkkk. as for the "mashed pa-ta-tas" oh yeah, that should be fun - having to put my ta-ta's on a cold steel ledge and then having it mashed down by an even colder doohickey...oh yeah...fun fun fun...NOT!

no disrespect to those ladies who are, um, less endowed, but i'm just curious...how do you all get mammo's? i have always been quite curious about that. the remainder of us in the BTC (big titty committee) have to endure having our "girls" mashed down like somebody just stepped on 'em - *grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr hiss hiss*

ah the joys of being female...*phbbbbt!*

if my foot was long enuf, i'd kick my own ass!

*whew* i am pooped! went out earlier to pick up some stuff i didn't get at the beginning of the month -- basically personal items like toothpaste, TP, dish soap, detergent, bath soap and anitbacterial hand soap for the bathroom. i went first to the Family Dollar store and got some of the items, then i went up to Walgreens.

if i could, and my foot was long enuf i would kick my own ass. mind you, i went to Walgreens just to get a couple loaves of bread and some smokes (i had coupons for them) and go. did that happen? oh nooooooooooooooo. i wound up getting two loaves of bread, a $1 bottle of antibacterial hand soap for the bathroom, 4 bars of Dove soap - 2 for sensitive skin and 2 unscented - a bag of Riceland rice, 4 rolls of TP and 2 packs of Kotex (gawd i will be SOOOOOOO glad when i wont have to buy those fuckers no more, except for my 18 year old), and then my cig coupons were like $2 off any 3 packs of my brand, and $1 off any 2 packs of my brand. when everything was all rung up it came to $65 and some change! good lord. i had just paid my credit card bill, now i'm back down to zip *sigh*.

but i needed those items and yeah for all of y'all who arent smokers i know what y'all gonna say--did you really need 5 packs of cigs? no, but when i have coupons, heck, i may as well use em. i still got 2 coupons for $5 off a carton of my brand (Virginia Slims Menthol Lights 100s) and i'm holding on to em nyah! *sticks out tongue*

at the Family Dollar, i got the toothpaste, two big bottles of dish soap (Palmolive with Bleach), a 2 liter of ginger ale, a cheese grater for $1, a spatula (also $1), a small bottle of detergent - $1.45, some undies for my daughter - one set for $2 and the other for $3, not bad huh? all of that came to about $22 and some change. that wasnt too bad. when i got on the bus with all my stuff, i thought i had pulled the stopcord for my stop, but apparently the driver didnt hear it and the next thing i know i'm a block up from my stop. that pissed me off. luckily i had my cell phone with me, and i called home and told my daughter and her boyfriend to meet me and help me with all the stuff i had. they came and god was i grateful. i let them go on ahead while i hobbled behind.

once we got to the house i plopped down in this chair, totally pooped. my right knee is screaming in pain and i'm gonna take 2 of my 800mg ibuprofen tablets to take it down to a dull roar. i was gonna cook, and i still might, but right now, i need to rest. i swear, didnt intend to get all that shit, but it's like it never fails -- you go in the store for one thing -ONE and come out with twenty. and i was trying so hard to keep some $$$ on my credit card, but that notion quickly went south. i swear, if i didnt really need those items, i wouldn't have gotten 'em. so y'all please dont bitch me out...a mama's gotta do what a mama's gotta do. and i dont wanna become dependent on my daughters all the time. call it pride, but that's just the way i am. i appreciate my daughters and my youngest's boyfriend for helping out around the house and doing the cooking, but i'm supposed to be cooking, cleaning and whatnot. and i do what i can when i have the energy. but sometimes, it gets to be overwhelming and i completely shut down.

and on that note, lemme get up offa my big ass and commence to cooking, cuz i'm hungry.

peace love and blessings to all of you. dont worry. i'mma be a'ight *smile*

an emotional day - mentally and physically

made it to my T appt today and i was on time. thankfully the sidewalks were cleared enough so i could walk, albeit painfully, towards the bus stop that takes me to the clinic. the clinic is part of the hospital so i dont have to go out of my way to see my T and Pdoc.

it was a very emotional session. i told my T about my near-suicidal notion and as we got to talking, he asked me what triggered it and i told him that this past Saturday would have been my dad's 80th birthday and how much i missed him. we talked about what kind of man he was, how he was always there for me even though we were separated by distance, and how it hurt me to my core when i learned that he was dying. by that time the tears started and, holding myself i cried like a baby, deep, racking, body-shaking tears.

this doctor is so patient and kind and that only made me cry even harder. thru my tears i told him next month will make a year that my dad passed and i told him how awful i felt that i didnt get to South Carolina in time to hold his hand and kiss him good-bye. my doctor let me cry as long as i had to and as the tears fell, my heart was breaking into a million pieces as i told him how totally devastated i was when i got the call that he passed away, and how i had to put myself on auto-pilot as it were to hurry and get to South Carolina for the graveside funeral. he asked what state of mind i was in and i told him though i was grieving, i found strength within to make my journey there and back. so that was the mentally emotional part of my day. after my session i hobbled over to the ER.

once i got there, the nurse immediately took me to a room and had me put on a gown and helped me to the bed. she took my vitals and once i got settled in, she told me the doc would be in shortly. since i was already mentally wiped out, i lay back and dozed off for a minute. by that time the ER doc came in and i showed her my list of symptoms. she then told me that she was gonna order blood work have the nurse give me a shot for pain, and get an X-ray for my leg and knee.

not long after the doc left, one of the transporters came to get me and took me to Radiology for the X-ray. that went fairly well, and then he brought me back to my room. then the nurse came in and put an IV line in and drew my blood. it amazes me that only a couple of years ago i was doing blood draws on patients and i tried my best to be as gentle as possible. but it's a whole different ball game when it's being done to you.

so she got her three tubes of my blood (she drew from my hand, good God it hurt like hell) and then came back and gave me a pain shot in my shoulder. geez, my pain tolerance must be dwindling because that damn shot HURT like a muthafucka! but after a while, the pain (of the shot) went away and even my old knee relaxed for a bit. so i hung out in my room until i started getting antsy because i wanted to go and have a smoke. i put on my pants and coat and as i was walking to the door i saw the doc and told her i was goin on a smoke break and would be back. she smiled and waved me ahead and out the door i went. while outside, i saw where my daughter had called and i called her back. we talked for a bit and then i went back inside.

after waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the doc and nurse came in with my discharge papers. the doc told me that from the X-rays she saw some deteriroration in my knee joint that she said comes from advancing age (shit, like i needed somebody to tell me i'm OLD for shit's sake!), and my blood work was fine so i should go ahead and follow up with my primary doc on Monday. then she wrote out a script for the same pain med i'd gotten the shot with, and then the nurse took out, or should i say yanked out the IV line and slapped some gauze and tape on it and left.

apparently she didnt apply enough pressure to the vein because when i looked down at my hand blood was spurting like i'd been stabbed. since the curtain was closed and i had access to gauze and tape, i swiped some 4x4's and with all my strength, clamped down on that oozing vein, until the flow stopped. by then there were little dots of blood on the floor, the sink and the chair. i swiped a bottle of peroxide to absorb the blood on the floor and whatnot, then re-gauzed and taped my hand. i hurried up and finished dressing and walked out the door and headed for the bus stop to wait for the bus to take me home. i was drained totally by then. i did make one last stop at the Walgreens on 51st and Cottage Grove to buy me and my daughter some cigs, and THEN i finally rode on home. i was too tired to fill the script, but i have a ginormous bottle of 800 mg ibuprofen tabs i can take for pain.

so that's been my day. i've made a meat loaf and now i'm gonna make some Stove Top stuffing and that will be it for me. it's been quite a day and i will be glad to finally lay these old bag of bones down in my bed, take my bedtime meds and wait for sleep to kick in. i appreciate all of y'all who were concerned about me; no need to worry. i'm gonna be okay *smile*

T appointment tomorrow

tomorrow i have my appointment with my therapist. *sigh* it snowed earlier today so that means i'm gonna have a hellafied time walking to the bus stop in the morning, less alone putting my boots on because my feet and ankles are so swollen. after i see the T, i will hobble down to the ER and let them take a look at me, and let them know how much pain i've been in for the last 2 weeks.

also earlier today i kept Scootie Bug. he's crawling now and he reminds me of that little doll "Baby Thataway" LOL also he's a feisty lil guy, and he's got three toofeses in his lower jaw and a tooth peeking thru the upper gums. and he'll be 1 year old the 27th of this month *smile*

he wore me out good today LOL -- i could hardly keep up with him and now that he's getting older, he's fighting his naps. but all in all he's a sweet baby and any chance i can have to keep him or watch him i take it.

anyways, that's all for now. the new episode of "Law and Order" is coming on and i need to lie down anyway, cuz i been up on this bum leg too much already.

peace love and hairgrease y'all.

pain pain go away

well, i made a medical doctor appointment for the 13th at 1:15pm. i have been having a lot of pain, numbness and tingling in my right knee and leg lately and it has now become extremely difficult to walk, even with my cane. going up and down these stairs is virtually impossible now, and i guess a scooter chair will probably be the next thing i wind up getting -- the only problem is my building is not disabled-friendly and i live on a fucking 3rd floor. *sigh*

i have a question to y'all...have any of you ever experienced "brain shivers" -- a feeling in your head like you've been zapped with a Taser? i have and it made my hair hurt -- dont laugh, it's true. it's like my hair follicles went numb all of a sudden. not to mention the numbness and "pins and needles" sensation in the first four fingers of each of my hands. yeah i know it sound like carpal tunnel, and i have a brace i wear on my right hand, but even with the brace my fingers still numb up. sometimes i can't type or even write because my first four fingers (thumb, index, middle and ring) feel like an electric current has run thru them and at night it's still bad.

i cannot stand for long periods of time anymore without the feeling that my legs are gonna "give way" or buckle. i ache in EVERY joint and muscle, and i'm tired all the time. i think i even grind my teeth in my sleep because i've woken up with one side of my jaw hurting. and i feel like i've gone 20 rounds with Mike Tyson.

i looked up some of the symptoms i've been having and a lot of them are like the beginnings of MS (multiple sclerosis), especially the tingling and numbness in my lower extremeties. when i see the doc i will ask her for a neuro exam, as well as have blood work done too.

great. first i lose my damn mind, now my body is short-circuiting. oh well. it's the hand i've been dealt so i may as well play it. i know now for sure going back to doing what i did before is totally out of the question. i know my body...being on my feet for 8 hours every day is gone for good. hell, i can barely walk down the damn street to the bus stop, and getting on and off buses that dont have either a hydraulic lift or step is a painful feat. i've called our public transportation company and asked them to send me an application for their door-to-door service for disabled patients. it's called a Paratransit Program, where they have special needs vehicles that will pick you up and take you to wherever you have to go for a small fee. so i guess my bus riding days are coming to a screeching halt too. whatever. if i am approved for the Paratransit Program, i will be able to go to my T and P-doc appointments without having to do a lot of walking.

thursday i see my T. i already know i'm in for a painful hike to the bus stop and back. oh well. shit happens.

a big "Thank You" to all my Blogger friends

i want to thank all of my Blogger friends that i have had the pleasure to have come to know for your caring, kind comments while i was away temporarily and also on the post for my beloved father's birthday.

you all mean so much to me, and i certainly feel the love from all of you, and in kind, i'm sending out love to all of you as well - especially to those who are going thru a tough time...extra hugs and extra love.

it never ceases to amaze me how much love and support one can get from people in cyberspace than you can with real life people. i consider myself very blessed and very fortunate to have come to know you all - y'all know who you are *smile* y'all are listed on my "Bloggin' Posse" sidebar.

so once again, from the bottom of my heart, i THANK YOU, i love you and may you all be blessed. you all are truly wonderful.

oh, BTW, guess who called me out of the blue? yep, you guessed right. Ms. Homophobe. dont y'all worry...i have my guard up. i will admit it was nice to talk to her again, but i think we both know that boundaries have to be set so that neither one of us will get overwhelmed; however, i'm still watching my back.

i have also made a medical doctor's appointment for next Monday because here of late i've been having extreme pain, numbness and tingling in my right knee, legs, feet and hands, and also my balance has been off somewhat. when i looked up the symptoms yesterday, they all seemed to point to MS. that's why i'm going to see the doctor so that she can perhaps have me see a neurologist, and also i want her to do some bloodwork to see if i'm still anemic and if i've developed diabetes from taking Seroquel. i'm also gonna ask for a mammogram and a Pap exam too. for those of y'all who are praying people, please say some prayers for me while i'm having these tests done. as i said in one of my other posts, whatever the results turn out to be, i will just have to play the hand i've been dealt.

it's becoming more and more difficult to walk and stand, and now i walk with a noticeable limp, because my right knee hurts when i move it, and the numbness and tingling sensation is traveling down my leg and further down to my foot. not only that, but the first four fingers on each of my hands get numb and prickly feeling, and my fingers look like little sausages. i hurt all over like i've been sucker-punched in every joint and muscle in my body. my feet stay cold even when it's warm in the house and occasionally i have "brain shivers" where it feels like i've been zapped in the head with a Taser. these things are scaring me, so i know i better go and get a thorough checkup.

anyways, i wont bore you all anymore with this. i'm just glad to know you all care and that is a very comforting thing, because i care about all of you.

Happy Birthday Daddy - Feb 4, 1926-March 1, 2005

this song reminds me of when i was a little girl and i would always wanna be with my daddy. the lyrics express everything i feel inside. though my Daddy may be gone from me, his sweet memories will always remain in my heart.

So Dad, this one is for you. I love you and miss you so very much.

Dance With My Father (www.videocodezone.com)

i know this tends to be annoying after a while, so if you would like to see the video of Dance With My Father click on the web page and type "Luther Vandross" in the search box. i was getting kinda tired of having to mute it each time i opened the page.

aches and pains on buses and trains - bleh

this about sums up how i feel today. i got stuff to do -- buy a new bus pass, go pay my rent and roll over my payday loan. the spirit is willing but the body is saying HELL NO, NOT TODAY YOU CRAZY, FAT OLD COW!!!! at first it was just my right knee that was aching....now the LEFT one is starting up on me. *sigh*

i really need to do the aforementioned errands, but my body just wont let me. i know what some of y'all are thinking...can you ask your daughter to run your errands? unfortunately no, because she doesnt have access to my bank accounts nor does she have a State ID card. so that cancels that notion. i'm already in a shitty mood and the rainy weather aint helping it one iota. i may just hobble up to the currency exchange, buy the bus pass and hobble my old ass back home. i dont know what the fuck to do. i really dont wanna come outta my house tomorrow, so i may as well suck it up today and get on with it. shit shit shit shit.

all i know is that i'mma be a pissed-off bitch today and nobody better not EVEN think of adding to my state of pissivity -- otherwise they may get the Ike-Turner-Slap-A-Bitch-And-Put-Some-Stank-On-It beatdown with my cane.

other than that, how's YOUR day going?

crippling depression

this was me about a week ago. i was having terrible crying spells, felt useless, worthless, and stupid. yes. that IS exactly how i felt. i was journaling in my Windows NotePad and as i was writing, the overwhelming urge to just lay down and die kept gnawing at me.

i didnt want to live anymore. i felt that i was a burden and a failure to my daughters, and that i wasnt a "whole" person anymore. i made stupid mistakes, and all while i was feeling this way, i could hear my mother's voice berating me, saying i was pathetic and that my kids would be better off without me. i even wrote out my "goodbye note" telling my children i loved them, and God forgive me for what i was gonna do. i think maybe because my hormones were raging (it was that time of the month) and all discombobulated, the feeling of ending my life became overpowering. instead, coward that i am, i curled up in a ball and cried until i couldnt cry no more. not just sniffling tears, but great, heart-wrenching, soul-crushing tears that came deep from within my viscera. it was like my heart was crying and i simply wanted to die. i figured nobody would give a rat's ass anyways, because i was such a screw-up and never seemed to "fit in". huh. i still dont "fit in", but i have a different attitude about it now. quite frankly, i dont give a shit about "fitting in". i'm different, and i dont think there's anything wrong about being different...if anything it makes one unique.

however, when one is in the deathlike grip of crushing depression, and you feel that there's no light at the end of the tunnel, well, one tends to feel like "damaged goods"; rejects that nobody wants, like gum on the heel of somebody's shoe. that's how crippling this illness is. even when i saw my pdoc this past Friday, i started weeping in his office because that deep, visceral pain had crept upon me and i couldnt help it.

i also think what triggered this awful depression is the fact that Saturday would be my dad's 80th birthday, and next month on the 1st of March will be a year ago he passed away. so my heart is heavy. also, during this month, the 14th makes two years ago my babygirl was almost raped, and on the 17th is the 3-year anniversary of when i had my first nervous breakdown.

so i'm gonna have a lot of shit on my mind to deal with. if i dont post anything on the 4th, the 14th or the 17th of this month, or the 1st of next month, please dont worry. i wont do anything to hurt myself; instead, i'll be probably sitting around crying my eyes out, as i play "Dance With My Father" somewhere on this computer. below is the entry i had written last week:

January 27,2006

damn i'm tired. didnt write anything yesterday because i was badly depressed. i cried off and on all this week, and last night i started crying in my sleep. i guess all the pain and hurt that i've been feeling was finally taking its toll on me, not to mention next month is gonna be a muthafucka for me. why? because Feb. 4 would have been my daddy's 80th birthday and he's gone. the 13th is flashbacks to when my babygirl was almost raped, and the 17th - which is when i see Dr. Munoz again - makes 3 years ago i had my first breakdown. i will see Dr. Galligan on the 9th which is good. Dr. Munoz says i really should see Dr. G at least every week, because he knows that i have had a lot happen within a year and he feels that by seeing my T every week will help me to not go back into the dark hole where i start dissociating, which is what i've been doing lately, not to mention not sleeping well and having crying spells.

i know that i'm depressed, and i try to shake it but sometimes it just gets very overwhelming and i wind up crying out of the blue. i also know it could be my hormones too, being that i'm perimenopausal and still have periods which give me hell from time to time and just saps all my energy. i also told Dr. Munoz that i didnt feel the Klonopin wasnt working anymore in helping me sleep at night, and he said he would have to gradually wean me off it and put me on another anti-anxiety med called Trazadone, but not now. i also had him fill out this paper from DHS regarding my continuing Seroquel, because Medicaid wont pay for it unless they get this statement from my pdoc. Dr. Munoz filled out the paper, and told me to take it to Walgreens where i get my meds filled and have them fill out their part of the paper. now i gotta get up the $$$ to have it faxed to DHS, so i can continue the Seroquel until it's all gone. after that, i dont know what he's gonna put me on. he asked me about Geodon and Risperdal, and i told him about the awful side effects of those meds: Geodon made me suicidal and broke me out in a rash, and Risperdal increased my heart rate and i developed horrible tremors and a zombie-like affect.

so i dont know what i'm gonna be taking once i'm done with Seroquel. as long as it aint Geodon or Risperdal, i'm pretty much flexible as to trying something else. i definitely feel the Klonopin's effectiveness has played out, because ordinarily right after i take it along with Seroquel, i would be bouncing off the walls and knocked out sleep. so i dont know if he's gonna increase it or start easing me off it, all i know is that it aint working for me no more, and i just cant abruptly stop taking it without going into severe withdrawal. sigh. all of this just to keep sane. i also dont think Zoloft is working no more either, because i find myself getting more depressed and having suicidal thoughts. so i guess its time to find another "cocktail" so i dont go off the deep end. it aint easy being crazy...but i gotta play the hand that i've been dealt.

my diagnosis? psychosis, severe recurrent depression, PTSD, Dissociative Disorder. in other words, i'm all outta order. it's like that and that's the way it is. life really just sucks for me these days, and a lot of it is all my own doing. but, i cant undo what's already been done. it's my mess and cant nobody clean it up but me. i've become paranoid, sometimes i hear negative voices berating me for being so stupid and it's my mama's voice every time. that just sends me deeper into depression, and i find myself crying uncontrollably sometimes. i feel like a failure to everyone - mainly myself. i feel like a failure to my children, to my life, and i feel like my children shouldnt have to deal with a defective, useless piece of shit like me.

sometimes i wish they would just go on and have me committed because i serve no purpose no more. i feel like an idiot, a person who will never amount to shit, because i am shit. mama, you were right. i was never gonna amount to shit, i do stupid things, and why should my poor children put up with my sorry ass. maybe you're right mama.

maybe i'd be better off dead. nobody would give a shit anyways. nobody would care, much less come to my funeral. wouldnt matter. i'm just a worthless, useless, fat-assed stupid piece of shit that dont nobody gives a shit about. you're right mama. nobody would miss me, hell, what have i contributed to the world? nothing. i cant even raise my children right. i'm a fucking stupid-assed spendthrift who aint about shit. you're right mama. why dont i just do the world a favor and kill myself so that nobody would have to be bothered with my idiot-brained ass.

maybe i should just take a handful of pills, lie down and wait to die. maybe then my wretched soul will finally be at peace. i dont deserve to live and my kids dont deserve a failure like me. nobody would miss me; in fact, they'd probably be glad i'm gone, because i wasnt worth being around. God have mercy on my miserable soul. my beloved children - i know they hate me. i can feel it. so why should i continue living?

the pills are calling me, as i sit here and type and the tears are streaming down my face....no one knows what pain i feel right now, no one could possibly understand how much i hurt deep down inside, down to my very core, and the tears i shed i cant seem to stop...yet the pills are calling me, telling me that all i have to do is just take them and i wont be in anymore pain...just take them, lie down and it will all be over...though i'm fighting the urge with every ounce of strength to not succumb to the calling of the pills...they're calling me...but i wont give in, even though my very soul wants to give in, give up, and just die.

maybe i should call 911 and tell them i'm feeling suicidal...or maybe not. just as soon as the tears let up for a minute, they start right back, and the pain in my soul is like someone has stabbed me in my heart and keeps twisting the knife over and over and over....i so desperately want to die, but yet there's a part of me that is still refusing to give in to the pills that are calling out to me.....calling me...calling...me.......

I'M BAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hello hello hello everybody!!!!!! the old bag of bones is back! i want to thank all of you who left comments to my last post --- due to circumstances beyond my control um, oh hell, lemme just keep it real here - i had a past due cable/internet bill annnnnnnnd, when said bill is past due, well, one has "servicus interruptus". so i was without Internet service -ggrrrrr. now that i have paid said past due bill, i's back fulla piss and vinegar LOL

i've really missed y'all and from the number of comments left on my last post, i see y'all missed me too...awwwwwwwwwwwwwww you all are so kind and so sweet and I LOVE EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HUGS TO ALL OF YOU (((((((((((((((((((((((((BLOGGIES))))))))))))))))))))))))))

on the real side, i'm humbled that y'all thought about me. i almost wound up in the hospital because i was so depressed i had thought about s*icide. but, thank the Creator those thoughts have passed and emotionally, i'm feeling better...however, this damn right knee is REALLY givin me hell. now i have to walk around the house WITH MY DAMN CANE -grrrrrrrrrrrr.

but nnnnnnnnnnnnnnn-eways, i'm glad to be back in Blogland and again a huge THANK YOU to all my Blogger friends for thinking of me. y'all gon' make me cry now.......

BTW -- that damn groundhog saw his shadow so i guess that means 6 more weeks of winter *sigh* well, at least here *knock wood* the weather has been relatively mild, but i aint holdin' my breath LOL

also, i finally got around to straightening up my house and i must say it looks WAY better than it did - yay me! i guess it's true what they say - your environment reflects how you feel and as i said, i had been feeling pretty shitty, but my oldest daughter had came over this past weekend and gave me a heart-to-heart motivational talk which i needed. she said she was beginning to worry about me just sitting in the dark and in one spot and said that she knew that wasnt the the "real" me. and it wasnt. so the next day, i was a cleaning fool, yes indeed. i went from the
living room to the bathroom, and the next day, tackled the kitchen. so now i feel like i actually live here LOL

went grocery shopping yesterday and got the cupboards nice and full, even with this bum knee. my youngest went with me, and was a huge help and when we got home, her b/f came and took
the groceries upstairs while i hobbled albeit painfully up them hard-ass concrete stairs. i summoned up some energy to cook some chicken wings and finally flopped down on my bed and in the midst of watching "Law & Order SVU" rerun, and after taking my meds, i was down for the count. prior to that, i watched MTV's "Movies That Rock" and "The Temptations" movie was on. i love that movie, because it gives account of how the Temps got started and their rise to fame when they became Motown stars.

well this is enough blabbing for today. i will holla atcha tomorrow. this right knee is killing me and i gotta lie down for a bit.

much much MUCH LOVE to all of you.



XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX TO ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!