who the hell am i? i have no clue anymore. i finally made appointments to see my T and my psychiatrist next month. it's been too long and i need to talk. i see my T on the 8th of September and the pdoc on the 13th of September. i told my T that i have been going thru an emotional rollercoaster lately and i needed to talk to him. i just hope i can remember what the hell has had me going like this.
part of it is my monthly visitor from hell, that bitch "Aunt Flo". my hormones have been scrambled and my emotional sensitivity has been at an all time high, where i've just cried and cried for no reason, other than the inner pain i've experienced from childhood on comes back to haunt me from time to time. i've not wanted to go anywhere, i've lost interest in volunteering, shit, i'm just all fucked up. i think what also may be bothering me is the fact i wont be receiving that extra check for my daughter no more, because she's 18 now (her birthday was yesterday) and my cash flow will be extra tight. the rent takes out a huge chunk ($550 a month), and i dont know how i'm gonna make it after that. that depresses me more than anything.
so, who the hell am i? i wish to God i knew. it's like just when i think things couldnt get any worse, more shit happens to almost send me over the edge. sometimes i just sit and space out smoking a cigarette, my mind a complete blank, not to mention my facial expression. i damn sure dont wanna go back in the hospital again, and i dont feel suicidal. so i dont know what the hell to feel right now. my friend V says maybe once i start seeing my T again on a regular basis, that maybe my mood will improve and i will get out of this funk i've been in for the last couple of months. i dunno. maybe-maybe not.
i need to throw away these damn catalogs i've been getting in the mail, because of course i will always see something that i like and have to remind myself "you cant afford that", which only pushes me into an even deeper depression, because i've always prided myself on keeping up my appearance, including my hair and hygiene. i wouldnt have two cents sometimes to my name, but i tried to always look my best to ME. and i wont sit here and lie and say that shit dont hurt my feelings. i did manage to squeeze out a little something for myself a couple days ago -- now, you all may go, why would you pay $5.50 for one pair of fishnet trouser socks? because i liked 'em and i wanted 'em. then i went to the Ashley Stewart store and asked the saleslady if i had a store credit from a forgotten layaway, and if so , could i use it. she looked it up and said yes, i had a store credit of $14.00. so i used it to buy a pair of snazzy sunglasses and a pair of big brass circle earrings. i felt somewhat better, because having the $14 credit was almost like free money. then i went to KFC and got their 10pc special which included a free cake and then went on home.
now i see the new fall clothes in these catalogs and realize i wont be able to afford a pair of new jeans or dress boots, and as i said, it just makes me feel like shit inside. altho i've gained some extra weight, i have always worn clothes that flattered my short plump little body and not dressed like a hoochie mama wearing shit that does not work for my body shape, unlike some of the full-figured women i've seen wearing that crap.
i am thankful that i do have a decent winter coat and some winter boots, so i dont have to worry about that, but i seriously doubt if i come out of the house come wintertime, unless it's to keep my t and pdoc appointments, go grocery shopping and go pay my rent. other than that, i am probably gonna keep my ass indoors and out of the cold and snow.
right now....this is where i will be until i can find a way out of this dark, depressed hole.
Friday, August 26, 2005
Monday, August 22, 2005
loonies are people too! (poem)
this world where we live
is one crazy assed place
people are constantly judged
by sexual orientation
economic background
heritage, creed and race
if you are "different"
because you are not quite
mentally "all there"
you get the looks
of pity
or fear
or people whispering
and pointing at you
well goddam it
loonies are people too!
if your ignorant asses
took the time to read
or do online research
then maybe you'll stop
planting the seed
of ignorance among others
because we could very well be
your mothers, fathers
sisters, brothers or lovers...
we aint no different
than the average schmo
our wires may be a bit crossed
but whose aint dontcha kno
so just because we are
a little 'mental'
or have some "loose screws"
get this thru your thick domes
loonies are people too!
we cry
sometimes more than others
because of the inner pain
we try so hard to hide
some of us have even flirted with
or carried out suicide
mainly because of ignorant
people like you
who seem to forget
loonies are people too!
so the next time you see
a person perhaps
starting off into space
or stand next to a person
with a flat affect on their face
or sit next to a person
talking to someone that's not there
please, for God's sake
dont just give them a cold stare
because my friend, that person
could very well be YOU
get some knowledge and understanding
of what we go thru
so that you will know from now on
LOONIES ARE PEOPLE TOO!!!!!!!
is one crazy assed place
people are constantly judged
by sexual orientation
economic background
heritage, creed and race
if you are "different"
because you are not quite
mentally "all there"
you get the looks
of pity
or fear
or people whispering
and pointing at you
well goddam it
loonies are people too!
if your ignorant asses
took the time to read
or do online research
then maybe you'll stop
planting the seed
of ignorance among others
because we could very well be
your mothers, fathers
sisters, brothers or lovers...
we aint no different
than the average schmo
our wires may be a bit crossed
but whose aint dontcha kno
so just because we are
a little 'mental'
or have some "loose screws"
get this thru your thick domes
loonies are people too!
we cry
sometimes more than others
because of the inner pain
we try so hard to hide
some of us have even flirted with
or carried out suicide
mainly because of ignorant
people like you
who seem to forget
loonies are people too!
so the next time you see
a person perhaps
starting off into space
or stand next to a person
with a flat affect on their face
or sit next to a person
talking to someone that's not there
please, for God's sake
dont just give them a cold stare
because my friend, that person
could very well be YOU
get some knowledge and understanding
of what we go thru
so that you will know from now on
LOONIES ARE PEOPLE TOO!!!!!!!
the stigma has got to STOP
i recently visited Ms. Peculiar's blog and was saddened and angered at the same time. it seems ther ewas a shooting in her town by a man who had schizophrenia who'd been off his meds for a long time. now the man had no priors, only a speeding ticket, but other than that, nothing. he went on a rampage and shot and killed two police officers, plus some innocent bystanders.
OK. granted, the man was schizophrenic, but i believe had he kept on his meds, he probably wouldnt have hurt a fly. so that was a sad ending for him and a senseless tragedy for those who were killed.
well, i'mma about to cut loose on the stigma from IGNORANT ASSED PEOPLE that is always attached to mentally ill individuals....
1) Contrary to what you have seen portrayed on TV and in movies, not ALL mentally ill people are raving, screaming lunatics waiting to kill people. most of us are REGULAR people just like everybody else.
2) Of course, if a mentally ill person stops taking his/her meds, YES, negative consequences CAN follow, but ONLY if that person has stopped their meds.
3) Mental illness is a DISEASE just like hypertension and diabetes, and like the two physical diseases, it CAN be controlled thru medication.
4) There is no need to 'back away slowly' or give a condescending look to a person with a mental illness -- WE WILL NOT HURT YOU OK?
5) If you people who have NO CLUE as to what our respective illnesses are -- NEWS FLASH! -
either go online and do a search about said illnesses, or perhaps go to a library and do some research so that you will gain better insight. after all READING IS FUNDAMENTAL, dammit!
6) Dont pass judgement on those of us mentally ill individuals who happen to articulate words well, dress well and take care of ourselves by saying asinine stupid shit like, "wow. you dont look like anything is wrong"....again NEWS FLASH -- we may be dressed nicely on the outside, but can be still struggling our own inner anguish on the inside, and we may be reluctant to share this with you simply because YOU will have some bullshit remark to spew from your ignorance.
7) We are not "playing the system" with our illnesses. some of the ignoramuses of the world have said to me, "well, how are you gonna live on a once-a-month check?" "cant you find a part time job or something?" and the whopper...."are you EVER gonna get well?" here's my response...
a) i do the best i can do on a once-a-month check...so mind your own damn business!
b) yeah i could find a part-time job, but unfortunately when filling out applications where they ask, "do you have any mental/physical limitations in which you cannot perform the job?"
i tend to not want to share that with a potential employer. to know they've hired a loony would probably be bad for business, so that's a resounding HELL NO.
c) am i ever gonna get well...hm...ARE YOU EVER GONNA TAKE THE TIME TO FUCKING FIND OUT ABOUT WHY I'M "NOT WELL?" yeah, i will proably have my good and bad days, but goddam it dont make me feel that i'm some lazy piece of shit sitting back and collecting a check every month, because guess what.....IT COULD VERY WELL BE YOU!!!!
*ahem* i feel better now. if anyone is feelin' what i've posted, leave a comment. peace.
OK. granted, the man was schizophrenic, but i believe had he kept on his meds, he probably wouldnt have hurt a fly. so that was a sad ending for him and a senseless tragedy for those who were killed.
well, i'mma about to cut loose on the stigma from IGNORANT ASSED PEOPLE that is always attached to mentally ill individuals....
1) Contrary to what you have seen portrayed on TV and in movies, not ALL mentally ill people are raving, screaming lunatics waiting to kill people. most of us are REGULAR people just like everybody else.
2) Of course, if a mentally ill person stops taking his/her meds, YES, negative consequences CAN follow, but ONLY if that person has stopped their meds.
3) Mental illness is a DISEASE just like hypertension and diabetes, and like the two physical diseases, it CAN be controlled thru medication.
4) There is no need to 'back away slowly' or give a condescending look to a person with a mental illness -- WE WILL NOT HURT YOU OK?
5) If you people who have NO CLUE as to what our respective illnesses are -- NEWS FLASH! -
either go online and do a search about said illnesses, or perhaps go to a library and do some research so that you will gain better insight. after all READING IS FUNDAMENTAL, dammit!
6) Dont pass judgement on those of us mentally ill individuals who happen to articulate words well, dress well and take care of ourselves by saying asinine stupid shit like, "wow. you dont look like anything is wrong"....again NEWS FLASH -- we may be dressed nicely on the outside, but can be still struggling our own inner anguish on the inside, and we may be reluctant to share this with you simply because YOU will have some bullshit remark to spew from your ignorance.
7) We are not "playing the system" with our illnesses. some of the ignoramuses of the world have said to me, "well, how are you gonna live on a once-a-month check?" "cant you find a part time job or something?" and the whopper...."are you EVER gonna get well?" here's my response...
a) i do the best i can do on a once-a-month check...so mind your own damn business!
b) yeah i could find a part-time job, but unfortunately when filling out applications where they ask, "do you have any mental/physical limitations in which you cannot perform the job?"
i tend to not want to share that with a potential employer. to know they've hired a loony would probably be bad for business, so that's a resounding HELL NO.
c) am i ever gonna get well...hm...ARE YOU EVER GONNA TAKE THE TIME TO FUCKING FIND OUT ABOUT WHY I'M "NOT WELL?" yeah, i will proably have my good and bad days, but goddam it dont make me feel that i'm some lazy piece of shit sitting back and collecting a check every month, because guess what.....IT COULD VERY WELL BE YOU!!!!
*ahem* i feel better now. if anyone is feelin' what i've posted, leave a comment. peace.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
the end of another day
well. i finally got around to taking a bath and doing something with my hair. i feel somewhat human again *big stupid grin*. i even cooked a little dinner....wow, three small tasks accomplished *heyyyyyyyyyyyy*. already took my bedtime meds and pretty soon i'm gonna call it a day. btw, thanks Polar Bear for the compliment to my blog {{{{{hugs}}}}} and also to the other young lady for her compliment and saying which of the "Law&Order" series she likes
****THANK YOU!!!!!!****
i'm still learning how to navigate making changes to this site, so bear with me if it doesnt quite look the way i would like it to. i told yall i was *cough-rolls eyes around* computer challenged!
anyways, i'm gonna go and try to go to bed at a reasonable hour. i dont plan on staying up again until 4 in the morning.
everybody take care and be good to yourselves and each other. peace.
****THANK YOU!!!!!!****
i'm still learning how to navigate making changes to this site, so bear with me if it doesnt quite look the way i would like it to. i told yall i was *cough-rolls eyes around* computer challenged!
anyways, i'm gonna go and try to go to bed at a reasonable hour. i dont plan on staying up again until 4 in the morning.
everybody take care and be good to yourselves and each other. peace.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
questions to myself
well here i am again. after that sudden burst of energy to wash my dishes and sweep my floors, i havent budged from this spot since. i have been reading other blogs and i can totally relate to a lot of the people who wrote them....especially about feeling 'numb' or on 'auto-pilot' (sorry Sid! didnt mean to steal those from you) well that's how i feel (?). i have caught myself dissociating off and on at times, even while reading the blogs. it's like a part of me is all of a sudden paranoid about unnecessary shit....
hallucinating sometimes? yeah.....it's like i see a shadow whiz by the corner of my eye...and then it's not there.
voices? yes, but on a low level.
feeling the urge to scream for no reason? yep. big time.
feeling like i dont know who i am or what i want to do with my life? damn skippy.
getting more and more isolated and not wanting to be around people? oh yeah.
flat affect? yep.
do i feel like taking a bath and washing my hair? nope.
am i suicidal? we'll come back to that one.
do i wanna just run screaming into the street? uh huh.
am i getting to the point where i am giving less than a shit about other people? hell yeah.
why am i asking myself these fucking question? havent a clue.
do i want to lie down and go back to sleep? yeah, but then i'll be up all fucking night, so that's not an option.
racing thoughts? oh most definitely.
am i suicidal? no.
am i homicidal? that's a 50-50 answer.
do i feel the need to self mutilate myself? no. too scared of my own blood (yet i've seen patients bleed out when i worked in the hospital - wtf?)
does chain-smoking count as self harm? um, yeah.
does anything feel right to me? no.
what exactly do i feel? i have no clue.
why am i even keeping up this stupid blog? i have no life and dont know what the fuck else to do.
why dont you want to get out of the house and do something? because i just fucking dont want to!
dont you like people? not anymore.
do you miss having a relationship? HELL NO.
do i dissociate when i walk down the street? yes. i almost got hit by a car (maybe wishful thinking?) but i caught myself.
do you like yourself? not at all.
do you believe people when they say that you are talented and should let the world see it? hellfucking NO.
why am i asking myself all these questions? hell if i know.
do you LIKE being depressed? sometimes. it seems when something good happens, i always expect the other shoe to drop, so what's the point in being happy?
do you have any sexual interest in anyone? LOL. that's a laugh. but NO. i could care less.
do you get offended if people call you 'mean?' no. been called that all my fucking life.
do the misfortunes of people you dislike make you happy? muwahahahahahahahahaha oh yeah!
if you were a killer, what kind of killer would you be? a revenge killer *evil grin*
would you just kill the person outright or make them suffer and then kill them? *evil laugh* oh most definitely torture and then kill 'em. more fun that way *wink*
are these the end of these stupid questions? *shrugs* yeah. i guess. fuck it.
hallucinating sometimes? yeah.....it's like i see a shadow whiz by the corner of my eye...and then it's not there.
voices? yes, but on a low level.
feeling the urge to scream for no reason? yep. big time.
feeling like i dont know who i am or what i want to do with my life? damn skippy.
getting more and more isolated and not wanting to be around people? oh yeah.
flat affect? yep.
do i feel like taking a bath and washing my hair? nope.
am i suicidal? we'll come back to that one.
do i wanna just run screaming into the street? uh huh.
am i getting to the point where i am giving less than a shit about other people? hell yeah.
why am i asking myself these fucking question? havent a clue.
do i want to lie down and go back to sleep? yeah, but then i'll be up all fucking night, so that's not an option.
racing thoughts? oh most definitely.
am i suicidal? no.
am i homicidal? that's a 50-50 answer.
do i feel the need to self mutilate myself? no. too scared of my own blood (yet i've seen patients bleed out when i worked in the hospital - wtf?)
does chain-smoking count as self harm? um, yeah.
does anything feel right to me? no.
what exactly do i feel? i have no clue.
why am i even keeping up this stupid blog? i have no life and dont know what the fuck else to do.
why dont you want to get out of the house and do something? because i just fucking dont want to!
dont you like people? not anymore.
do you miss having a relationship? HELL NO.
do i dissociate when i walk down the street? yes. i almost got hit by a car (maybe wishful thinking?) but i caught myself.
do you like yourself? not at all.
do you believe people when they say that you are talented and should let the world see it? hellfucking NO.
why am i asking myself all these questions? hell if i know.
do you LIKE being depressed? sometimes. it seems when something good happens, i always expect the other shoe to drop, so what's the point in being happy?
do you have any sexual interest in anyone? LOL. that's a laugh. but NO. i could care less.
do you get offended if people call you 'mean?' no. been called that all my fucking life.
do the misfortunes of people you dislike make you happy? muwahahahahahahahahaha oh yeah!
if you were a killer, what kind of killer would you be? a revenge killer *evil grin*
would you just kill the person outright or make them suffer and then kill them? *evil laugh* oh most definitely torture and then kill 'em. more fun that way *wink*
are these the end of these stupid questions? *shrugs* yeah. i guess. fuck it.
painful childhood memories
well today i finally got busy around my train-wreck of an apartment. i started with the pile of dishes (for the life of me, i dont understand if it's only two of us in the house, how the dishes seem to multiply like freakin' rabbits!?!?!?!?) scrubbed the kitchen sink, washed pots and pans, wiped down my refrigerator - at least enough to where i wont turn my head in disgust - swept the kitchen floor and the bathroom rugs, and now i'm taking a break.
i had a tearful talk with God last night because i was feeling very overwhelmed about a lot of stuff -- namely, my friend V. she called me back last night in tears herself feeling like nobody understood her and she had said she was tired of always having to put on a front to people like "nothing's wrong". i told her i knew how that felt (believe me I do) and just listened and tried to offer her encouragement. after a while she calmed down, and we hung up.
i was attempting to watch "The Fighting Temptations" on cable, but there was a scene that ordinarily would not have upset me, but for some reason it did, and that was the scene where "Aunt Sally" had died and Rev. Shirley Caesar was singing about "going home". and seeing "Aunt Sally" laid out in that casket reminded me of my own aunt, who died last year in October. i guess it triggered me, because the next thing i knew, i was in tears. the anniversary of my aunt's passing is coming up on the 10th of October, and i guess seeing that scene in the movie made me think of her. i couldnt watch no more of the movie because the tears started flowing uncontrollably, and i shut off the TV, held my pillow and cried from way down deep in my soul -- gut wrenching tears. i was asking God to please, please help me get out of this terrible funk i've been in, and to also help my friend V, who was going thru her own inner turmoil, and cried and prayed until i couldnt no more. after that, i laid down and finally drifted off to peaceful sleep.
mind you i'm not a Bible-thumper by any means, but i do have some spirituality -- it's just that i dont use it the way i should until i have reached the point of no return and wind up in tears crying to God in the darkness, because i feel like i cant go on. i'm really not fond of going to church, but sometimes i feel the need to visit a neighborhood church to get that spiritual "fill up" like when your car runs out of gas and you need a "fill up". i'm not a Bible scholar, in fact, i grew up Muslim under the late Elijah Muhammad's "Nation of Islam". my mother was a fanatic about the NOI movement, and she used to drill it into me by either beating the shit outta me, or snapping at me for not 'obeying' what The Movement told us to do. i didnt have a real childhood where i could go out and play like regular kids, instead i was confined to my house under my mama's ever watchful eye, and made to read the mystic catechisms of the NOI and listen to reel to reel tapes of Elijah Muhammad's speeches. and if i even thought about deviating in any way, well my mama would find whatever she could put her hands on and beat me senseless, and sometimes i would get a double beating if she told my daddy -- and my daddy would beat me with the saying "i'm gonna make you remember this". my little body would be bruised and sore all over and a lot of times i cried myself to sleep.
i dont know what made me reflect back on my childhood....but since i've started i may as well finish. as i said, my mama was a religious fanatic and she felt it was her Muslim duty to make sure i didnt get out of hand.. yet i also believe my mother suffered from bipolar disorder, not to mention going thru menopause and having extreme mood swings to where she'd be singing a song to me and the next minute beating the hell out of me. i remember getting a beating from her where she used one of her shoes going all upside my head and my body literally screaming at me to 'stop that damn crying' all the while i am crying with terror as she whupped my ass. i guess i must have been about 5 or 6 -- i cant remember exactly, when i was crying, she tried to smother me with a pillow all while beating the living crap out of me. sometimes i'd get whuppin's for things i didnt even do, all because some of those old busybody biddies in the mosque had told her some lie about me.
it was a living hell most of my childhood. i vividly remember a time when my mama had whupped me for something and then went to sit on the couch. i was still in my room crying to myself and i was around 6 years old i think, and then my mama came in the room and told me to pack my things because "she didnt want me anymore". i started to cry all over again, my 6 year old brain thinking 'why dont my mama love me no more? why do she want to give me away' and she yelled at me to "hurry up and pack your shit and get out!" by then i was bawling like mad, all the while taking my clothes out of the drawers and stuffing them in a brown shopping bag. i was a little girl -- where could i go? still crying i had filled the shopping bag and still crying, i said "mama, i'm finished." then she said, good. i asked "where am i gonna go?" and she said, "i dont care. just GET OUT!" i walked to the front door crying and dragged the shopping bag along with me. i was afraid, deeply deeply hurt that my mama didnt want me no more and it just made me cry even harder. i guess i must have sat out on the steps with my bag and then the next thing i knew, my mama opened the door, and said, 'well i guess you can stay.'
crying, i came back in the house and went to my room. i didnt know why mama was so mean to me, and why she would always seem to be beating me for no reason.
i remember another painful episode from my childhood. i guess i must have been about 10 or 11, and i was playing with this little girl, and she offered me some of her candy. well, the way it was with my mama, i was not supposed to have candy. but the girl offered it and i took some. then that little heffa went back and told my mama that i was eating candy. why did she do that? my mama went off, threatening me that she was gonna "whip me good" once we got home. i was a nervous wreck, because i knew my mother's temper when she got really angry.
all the way home she said, 'i'm gonna half-kill you!" and as soon as we got in the door, she started wailing on me, with an extension cord at first and then her fists, all while i'm screaming and crying " i wont do it no more mama! please! i wont do it no more!" and she kept on hitting me and hitting me until we wound up in the kitchen, and thru my tears and to my horror, she held a rusted butcher knife in her hand, and the look she had on her face was of pure evil. she came at me with the knife, waving it in my face saying, "i oughta cut your goddam head off your body" i was terrified and started crying and pleading saying 'mama please dont kill me! i'm sorry!" then she took the knife and held it to my throat and said, "i'm gonna cut your goddamn head off!" i could see the rage in her eyes, and i begged and pleaded for my life because i thought my mother had gone insane with rage and had that knife been razor sharp, she would have decapitated me and i would not be here today. she held it at my throat for a long time, the rage and evil in her eyes frightening me even more. after a while she said, "get out of my face. you aint worth it." i think i pissed myself after that and went to my room to cry myself to sleep.
a loving muslim mother? hardly. though my mother was an excellent cook, kept a clean house and would bake her own bread and cakes, knew how to preserve food, her extreme mood swings kept me constantly on edge. i was a loner all thru elementary and high school, and some of my teachers used to say that i was 'anti-social' or 'lacks social interaction with other students'.
and dont let me come home with a bad report card...that called for another beatdown, and as i said sometimes a double beatdown if she told my father. my father's pet peeve with me was keeping the dishes washed, and i remember getting the beating of my life because i failed to wash the dishes. my daddy came into my room beating me out of my bead with a broom stick all the way to the kitchen even while i was crying and trying to wash the dishes, he was still whaling away on me. yet and still i loved my daddy more than my mama, and i think my mama might have been jealous of that fact. i dunno. they arent here no more. mama died in June 1987 from lung cancer unrelated to smoking, and my daddy died this past March from complications from Alzheimers.
some of you who may read this may say, "huh. your childhood was a piece of cake compared to mine." perhaps so. but the memories and the pain is still there.
i had a tearful talk with God last night because i was feeling very overwhelmed about a lot of stuff -- namely, my friend V. she called me back last night in tears herself feeling like nobody understood her and she had said she was tired of always having to put on a front to people like "nothing's wrong". i told her i knew how that felt (believe me I do) and just listened and tried to offer her encouragement. after a while she calmed down, and we hung up.
i was attempting to watch "The Fighting Temptations" on cable, but there was a scene that ordinarily would not have upset me, but for some reason it did, and that was the scene where "Aunt Sally" had died and Rev. Shirley Caesar was singing about "going home". and seeing "Aunt Sally" laid out in that casket reminded me of my own aunt, who died last year in October. i guess it triggered me, because the next thing i knew, i was in tears. the anniversary of my aunt's passing is coming up on the 10th of October, and i guess seeing that scene in the movie made me think of her. i couldnt watch no more of the movie because the tears started flowing uncontrollably, and i shut off the TV, held my pillow and cried from way down deep in my soul -- gut wrenching tears. i was asking God to please, please help me get out of this terrible funk i've been in, and to also help my friend V, who was going thru her own inner turmoil, and cried and prayed until i couldnt no more. after that, i laid down and finally drifted off to peaceful sleep.
mind you i'm not a Bible-thumper by any means, but i do have some spirituality -- it's just that i dont use it the way i should until i have reached the point of no return and wind up in tears crying to God in the darkness, because i feel like i cant go on. i'm really not fond of going to church, but sometimes i feel the need to visit a neighborhood church to get that spiritual "fill up" like when your car runs out of gas and you need a "fill up". i'm not a Bible scholar, in fact, i grew up Muslim under the late Elijah Muhammad's "Nation of Islam". my mother was a fanatic about the NOI movement, and she used to drill it into me by either beating the shit outta me, or snapping at me for not 'obeying' what The Movement told us to do. i didnt have a real childhood where i could go out and play like regular kids, instead i was confined to my house under my mama's ever watchful eye, and made to read the mystic catechisms of the NOI and listen to reel to reel tapes of Elijah Muhammad's speeches. and if i even thought about deviating in any way, well my mama would find whatever she could put her hands on and beat me senseless, and sometimes i would get a double beating if she told my daddy -- and my daddy would beat me with the saying "i'm gonna make you remember this". my little body would be bruised and sore all over and a lot of times i cried myself to sleep.
i dont know what made me reflect back on my childhood....but since i've started i may as well finish. as i said, my mama was a religious fanatic and she felt it was her Muslim duty to make sure i didnt get out of hand.. yet i also believe my mother suffered from bipolar disorder, not to mention going thru menopause and having extreme mood swings to where she'd be singing a song to me and the next minute beating the hell out of me. i remember getting a beating from her where she used one of her shoes going all upside my head and my body literally screaming at me to 'stop that damn crying' all the while i am crying with terror as she whupped my ass. i guess i must have been about 5 or 6 -- i cant remember exactly, when i was crying, she tried to smother me with a pillow all while beating the living crap out of me. sometimes i'd get whuppin's for things i didnt even do, all because some of those old busybody biddies in the mosque had told her some lie about me.
it was a living hell most of my childhood. i vividly remember a time when my mama had whupped me for something and then went to sit on the couch. i was still in my room crying to myself and i was around 6 years old i think, and then my mama came in the room and told me to pack my things because "she didnt want me anymore". i started to cry all over again, my 6 year old brain thinking 'why dont my mama love me no more? why do she want to give me away' and she yelled at me to "hurry up and pack your shit and get out!" by then i was bawling like mad, all the while taking my clothes out of the drawers and stuffing them in a brown shopping bag. i was a little girl -- where could i go? still crying i had filled the shopping bag and still crying, i said "mama, i'm finished." then she said, good. i asked "where am i gonna go?" and she said, "i dont care. just GET OUT!" i walked to the front door crying and dragged the shopping bag along with me. i was afraid, deeply deeply hurt that my mama didnt want me no more and it just made me cry even harder. i guess i must have sat out on the steps with my bag and then the next thing i knew, my mama opened the door, and said, 'well i guess you can stay.'
crying, i came back in the house and went to my room. i didnt know why mama was so mean to me, and why she would always seem to be beating me for no reason.
i remember another painful episode from my childhood. i guess i must have been about 10 or 11, and i was playing with this little girl, and she offered me some of her candy. well, the way it was with my mama, i was not supposed to have candy. but the girl offered it and i took some. then that little heffa went back and told my mama that i was eating candy. why did she do that? my mama went off, threatening me that she was gonna "whip me good" once we got home. i was a nervous wreck, because i knew my mother's temper when she got really angry.
all the way home she said, 'i'm gonna half-kill you!" and as soon as we got in the door, she started wailing on me, with an extension cord at first and then her fists, all while i'm screaming and crying " i wont do it no more mama! please! i wont do it no more!" and she kept on hitting me and hitting me until we wound up in the kitchen, and thru my tears and to my horror, she held a rusted butcher knife in her hand, and the look she had on her face was of pure evil. she came at me with the knife, waving it in my face saying, "i oughta cut your goddam head off your body" i was terrified and started crying and pleading saying 'mama please dont kill me! i'm sorry!" then she took the knife and held it to my throat and said, "i'm gonna cut your goddamn head off!" i could see the rage in her eyes, and i begged and pleaded for my life because i thought my mother had gone insane with rage and had that knife been razor sharp, she would have decapitated me and i would not be here today. she held it at my throat for a long time, the rage and evil in her eyes frightening me even more. after a while she said, "get out of my face. you aint worth it." i think i pissed myself after that and went to my room to cry myself to sleep.
a loving muslim mother? hardly. though my mother was an excellent cook, kept a clean house and would bake her own bread and cakes, knew how to preserve food, her extreme mood swings kept me constantly on edge. i was a loner all thru elementary and high school, and some of my teachers used to say that i was 'anti-social' or 'lacks social interaction with other students'.
and dont let me come home with a bad report card...that called for another beatdown, and as i said sometimes a double beatdown if she told my father. my father's pet peeve with me was keeping the dishes washed, and i remember getting the beating of my life because i failed to wash the dishes. my daddy came into my room beating me out of my bead with a broom stick all the way to the kitchen even while i was crying and trying to wash the dishes, he was still whaling away on me. yet and still i loved my daddy more than my mama, and i think my mama might have been jealous of that fact. i dunno. they arent here no more. mama died in June 1987 from lung cancer unrelated to smoking, and my daddy died this past March from complications from Alzheimers.
some of you who may read this may say, "huh. your childhood was a piece of cake compared to mine." perhaps so. but the memories and the pain is still there.
Friday, August 19, 2005
just another day in the 'hood
'sup yall. sorry i didnt post anything here yesterday. been feelin blah lately (and i think it has a lot to do with that bitch 'Aunt Flo' coming to make her monthly visit - GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR)
on the 'bright' side, my beloved oldest daughter bought me a spankin' brand new telephone because the one i had has seen it's better daze, and she brought me a carton of my fave cigs and spotted me $20 bux. i dont know what i would do without my kids -- probably be involuntarily committed in the cuckoo's nest somewhere in a straight jacket or something...or worse.
i have to go up to the Walgreens and pick up one of my meds and it's gonna be fuckin hot as hell outside. FUCK. just what i need to kickstart my day. while i'm there i'll pick up some pads because i know i'mma catch hell when 'Aunt Flo' comes...*sigh*
maybe that's why i've been so blah....hormones are getting scrambled and a slight case of PMS.......which to me means 'Possible Murder Suspect' .....
anyway, it's just another day in the 'hood. sorry if this post is kinda dry....but it's how i feel right now. later.
on the 'bright' side, my beloved oldest daughter bought me a spankin' brand new telephone because the one i had has seen it's better daze, and she brought me a carton of my fave cigs and spotted me $20 bux. i dont know what i would do without my kids -- probably be involuntarily committed in the cuckoo's nest somewhere in a straight jacket or something...or worse.
i have to go up to the Walgreens and pick up one of my meds and it's gonna be fuckin hot as hell outside. FUCK. just what i need to kickstart my day. while i'm there i'll pick up some pads because i know i'mma catch hell when 'Aunt Flo' comes...*sigh*
maybe that's why i've been so blah....hormones are getting scrambled and a slight case of PMS.......which to me means 'Possible Murder Suspect' .....
anyway, it's just another day in the 'hood. sorry if this post is kinda dry....but it's how i feel right now. later.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
another lonely day
another lonely day. sometimes i wonder 'why bother' to get out of bed. but yet, i do. i dont think my bedtime meds are working for me no more, because here of late i've been staying up past 10pm (which was my usual bedtime) to sometimes 12, 1 and 2 am. next month i will discuss this with my pdoc. i also have to catch myself from 'zoning out' (otherwise known as 'dissociation') when i'm typing on this computer. i will say one thing -- typing all of this out and knowing that there are others out there who suffer similar symptoms is a comfort to me. a part of me wants to go back to bed and stay there the rest of the day, but somehow i just cant make myself do it. the sun is shining brightly, but the way i feel right now, i could give less than a rat's ass about it. *sigh*.
i did get out yesterday because i had to meet up with my friend V at the hospital where i used to work because she had some stuff for me as i for her. we did our pleasantries and she had a doctor's appointment to go to and i just went on and left.
today, i kinda feel myself starting to relapse...and i can tell when i start having dissociative spells, not wanting to do anything, go anywhere, or even take a bath. i left a message on my oldest daughters cell phone telling her i found my $3.00 coupon for Virginia Slims cigs, because she said that she would come by here tomorrow and get it so she could buy me a carton. and she said she was gonna probably take her sister out for her birthday, being that she's turning 18 next thursday. right now i feel hollow, blah, empty. the only friends i have are V, who i talk to almost every day, and the nice folks here who post their comments, and my Yahoo IM chat friends. in a way i feel cut off from the world, like i dont exist. i suppose i'm depressed about getting my check next month without the extra money i got for my daughter, because i know i wont have nearly anything left once i pay rent and my online bills. yet i will have an increase in my food stamps. *twirls finger in the air* -- i guess i should count my blessings because last month i was getting only $10 in food stamps, and come next month my medicaid card will be back to normal and i can go see my T and my pdoc. i dunno...i think i may wind up going back to the partial hospital program. i was doing fine once i got out, now, i feel like i'm starting to relapse again. it's like i have no interest in anything except keeping up this blog and reading my email. some life huh?
i know some people would say, 'well you gotta force yourself to do things.' OK. but how can i force myself to 'do things' when i have NO motivation, NO interest and NO desire? no disrespect to those of y'all who are bipolar, but i wish i had the mania -- maybe then things would get done around here that i have just upped and neglected. i'd have a clean house, things would be in order, and i probably would go somewhere to just get out of the fuckin house.
but-- unfortunately i'm more depressive, so i tend to shut down totally. when i was in PHP that at least gave me the motivation to get up in the morning, even tho my rides would come at like 6:45, 7 am and i'm not fully awake yet. but i have my bus pass and disabled rider pass, so i could come on my own....shit. scratch that notion. i just gotta figure out a way to get thru this.
the bitch of it is......................................HOW?
i did get out yesterday because i had to meet up with my friend V at the hospital where i used to work because she had some stuff for me as i for her. we did our pleasantries and she had a doctor's appointment to go to and i just went on and left.
today, i kinda feel myself starting to relapse...and i can tell when i start having dissociative spells, not wanting to do anything, go anywhere, or even take a bath. i left a message on my oldest daughters cell phone telling her i found my $3.00 coupon for Virginia Slims cigs, because she said that she would come by here tomorrow and get it so she could buy me a carton. and she said she was gonna probably take her sister out for her birthday, being that she's turning 18 next thursday. right now i feel hollow, blah, empty. the only friends i have are V, who i talk to almost every day, and the nice folks here who post their comments, and my Yahoo IM chat friends. in a way i feel cut off from the world, like i dont exist. i suppose i'm depressed about getting my check next month without the extra money i got for my daughter, because i know i wont have nearly anything left once i pay rent and my online bills. yet i will have an increase in my food stamps. *twirls finger in the air* -- i guess i should count my blessings because last month i was getting only $10 in food stamps, and come next month my medicaid card will be back to normal and i can go see my T and my pdoc. i dunno...i think i may wind up going back to the partial hospital program. i was doing fine once i got out, now, i feel like i'm starting to relapse again. it's like i have no interest in anything except keeping up this blog and reading my email. some life huh?
i know some people would say, 'well you gotta force yourself to do things.' OK. but how can i force myself to 'do things' when i have NO motivation, NO interest and NO desire? no disrespect to those of y'all who are bipolar, but i wish i had the mania -- maybe then things would get done around here that i have just upped and neglected. i'd have a clean house, things would be in order, and i probably would go somewhere to just get out of the fuckin house.
but-- unfortunately i'm more depressive, so i tend to shut down totally. when i was in PHP that at least gave me the motivation to get up in the morning, even tho my rides would come at like 6:45, 7 am and i'm not fully awake yet. but i have my bus pass and disabled rider pass, so i could come on my own....shit. scratch that notion. i just gotta figure out a way to get thru this.
the bitch of it is......................................HOW?
new blog
hi all. just wanted to let you know that i have started a new blog called "WTF????????" its mainly my observations and rants about shit i've encountered or seen in the media. feel free to check it out. thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
holding back the tears part 2
i dont know what i have done to deserve such caring people in the world. everyone who has left a post to my blog i thank you from the depths of my heart. you know who you are--you are the best!
i was IM Yahoo! talking to my online adopted 'daughter' who lives in Canada, and out of the blue she offered to send me a check for $100! i was so shocked i was at a loss for words....all because i said i couldnt afford the membership fee at the museum where i volunteer from time to time and that i had no food in my cupboard. this poor sweet girl who has gone thru more hell and abuse way too many times, offered to help me! i couldnt believe it....and i'm still in shock.
this dear, dear girl has been thru abuse of horrific proportions, from family members yet in spite of her difficulties she carries on like a trooper. there were times i wish i could have sent her money but i didnt have it. yet she is sending me money! i am humbled by her kindness.
i dont know what the conversion rate is for $100 in Canadian money to American money, but my bank said i could still deposit the check into my account. if anyone knows what the conversion rate is, please let me know. no matter what it is, i'm still touched by her kind gesture. its been said that God takes care of fools and babies, and Lord knows i've been more of a fool than most, but i guess i am worthy of good friends like her, my other friend V, and those of you who have posted comments on my blog.
to all of you -- i say a huge THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! again, i'm holding back tears, because all my life i've done for others and didnt expect anything in return--and didnt get it either way. this is gradually restoring my faith that there ARE good and decent people in this world.
God bless you all...and again THANK YOU.
i was IM Yahoo! talking to my online adopted 'daughter' who lives in Canada, and out of the blue she offered to send me a check for $100! i was so shocked i was at a loss for words....all because i said i couldnt afford the membership fee at the museum where i volunteer from time to time and that i had no food in my cupboard. this poor sweet girl who has gone thru more hell and abuse way too many times, offered to help me! i couldnt believe it....and i'm still in shock.
this dear, dear girl has been thru abuse of horrific proportions, from family members yet in spite of her difficulties she carries on like a trooper. there were times i wish i could have sent her money but i didnt have it. yet she is sending me money! i am humbled by her kindness.
i dont know what the conversion rate is for $100 in Canadian money to American money, but my bank said i could still deposit the check into my account. if anyone knows what the conversion rate is, please let me know. no matter what it is, i'm still touched by her kind gesture. its been said that God takes care of fools and babies, and Lord knows i've been more of a fool than most, but i guess i am worthy of good friends like her, my other friend V, and those of you who have posted comments on my blog.
to all of you -- i say a huge THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! again, i'm holding back tears, because all my life i've done for others and didnt expect anything in return--and didnt get it either way. this is gradually restoring my faith that there ARE good and decent people in this world.
God bless you all...and again THANK YOU.
Nice
I have "met" so many wonderful people in blogland, it is so nice to feel a part of a community, even if we all are crazy. It amazes me how many of "us" are out there. Mizeeyore, you're awesome! Thank you for inviting me to be a part of your blog! Looking forward to reading about your experience with mental illness on Crazies Unite! It has been totally therapeutic to be part of blogland.
Thank you all!
Thank you all!
Monday, August 15, 2005
holding back the tears
right now i am TOTALLY pissed off! somebody stole my cigs i ordered online! i honestly believe it was the mail carrier because when i check the tracking number at the USPS web site, it said they were delivered Saturday at 12:22 in the afternoon and signed off with MY initials (G.M.) ! WTF? the cigs were some discount brand, but goddam it i paid $19.67 via e-check for 'em and somebody steals my identity AND my squares! i am filing a complaint with the Post Office and the Postmaster General to find out who the fucker is that clipped my squares. oh i am NOT givin up on this! i'm trying to cut corners by buying some super cheap cigs so that i wont have to pay $5 or $6 a pack and at least have a carton to last me the month. now this. hell, i'm only gettin a check for myself now, and my budget is gonna be super tight and yes i know smoking is a bad habit, but goddam it, at least it's legal and it helps me keep sane, a'ight? i know i shouldnt be bitching about some cheap cigarettes, but dammit, i paid for 'em so i could have SOMETHING that i enjoyed, and it didnt mean a rat's ass if they were cheap, just as long as i didnt have to pay no $5-5.50-5.75 to $6.00 for no squares, shit!
well, my oldest daughter called me back because i had left a voice mail message telling her my tale of woe. she was just as pissed as i was about somebody having the balls to take my carton of cigarettes. i bitched to her about what had happened, and then she told me "mommy (she's 26 years old but still calls me "mommy" *big cheesy grin*) dont worry. i'll pick a carton of cigarettes for you. and i'm gonna get you a new telephone too" because my phone is shot to hell. that nearly brought me to tears when she said that. i told her "you gonna make me cry" and she said "no cry for mommy" (lol). i told her how sweet she was to do that and that i had a coupon (somewhere around here, i'm gonna find it too dammit) for $4.00 off a carton of Virginia Slims (any brand) and she said she'd come by on Thursday to get it. that brightened my day considerably. i thank God for both my daughters. i dont know what i would do without them. and it's funny, i had just got off the phone with my friend V, who was gonna bring me a phone, which i thought was a very wonderful gesture from her, and i called her back on my cellphone and told her she didnt have to bring it after all, that my oldest daughter was gonna buy me a new phone. V has been very good and kind to me, and i have two cards of appreciation i'm going to give her tomorrow when we see each other. the poor girl suffers from BPD (bipolar and borderline personality disorders) and my heart goes out to her because she struggles so hard to keep herself together and stay strong in her Christian faith, and she has become my best friend because we understand one another's pain and trials and tribulations. she has given me clothes, food and even money when i didnt have it, and i try to reciprocate back to her as i can by giving her cards, and even money if i have it. she even got a little gift for my youngest daughter's upcoming birthday, and i thought that was so sweet of her to do that. she's "adopted" my youngest as her little 'goddaughter' because i always talk about how she always looks out for 'mommy'.
yes me and my girls have had our share of squabbles, fights and tears, but i thank the Good Lord they are still here for me. if i didnt have them, i probably would be dead and gone. i love them so much it hurts. and at times i feel bad, especially about my youngest, because i dont always have money to buy her the things she wants. it hurts me to the point i sometimes break down and cry because i want her to have everything and i feel like a loser because i cant give it to her. but she is resourceful, and she has her little job at the neighborhood candy store where she is saving her little money in her cute blue "pig pig" piggybank.
also at times, i feel like a burden to my kids because of my illness. i sometimes feel guilty that they look out for me, and i'm a worthless piece of shit because i am unable to work anymore. i hate this illness and what it has done to me, and yes, in my darkest, most wretched moments, i dont feel that my daughters deserve a broken, worthless half-crazy mother like me, and i will go into the bathroom and stare long and hard at the bottle of ibuprofen with tears in my eyes because i feel they deserve a mother who is mentally stable and whole, not an old broke-down nutjob like me. then i close the cabinet and sit on the commode and weep, because i know it would hurt my kids more if i killed myself, so i push those thoughts out of my mind.
as i type this missive, i'm sitting here with tears in my eyes because for a long time i thought my kids hated me, and now i see they always loved me, even when i didnt love myself. i'm crying now because of the love i have for my children is so deep it hurts.
i better go now. it's getting harder to type while i'm crying like this.
well, my oldest daughter called me back because i had left a voice mail message telling her my tale of woe. she was just as pissed as i was about somebody having the balls to take my carton of cigarettes. i bitched to her about what had happened, and then she told me "mommy (she's 26 years old but still calls me "mommy" *big cheesy grin*) dont worry. i'll pick a carton of cigarettes for you. and i'm gonna get you a new telephone too" because my phone is shot to hell. that nearly brought me to tears when she said that. i told her "you gonna make me cry" and she said "no cry for mommy" (lol). i told her how sweet she was to do that and that i had a coupon (somewhere around here, i'm gonna find it too dammit) for $4.00 off a carton of Virginia Slims (any brand) and she said she'd come by on Thursday to get it. that brightened my day considerably. i thank God for both my daughters. i dont know what i would do without them. and it's funny, i had just got off the phone with my friend V, who was gonna bring me a phone, which i thought was a very wonderful gesture from her, and i called her back on my cellphone and told her she didnt have to bring it after all, that my oldest daughter was gonna buy me a new phone. V has been very good and kind to me, and i have two cards of appreciation i'm going to give her tomorrow when we see each other. the poor girl suffers from BPD (bipolar and borderline personality disorders) and my heart goes out to her because she struggles so hard to keep herself together and stay strong in her Christian faith, and she has become my best friend because we understand one another's pain and trials and tribulations. she has given me clothes, food and even money when i didnt have it, and i try to reciprocate back to her as i can by giving her cards, and even money if i have it. she even got a little gift for my youngest daughter's upcoming birthday, and i thought that was so sweet of her to do that. she's "adopted" my youngest as her little 'goddaughter' because i always talk about how she always looks out for 'mommy'.
yes me and my girls have had our share of squabbles, fights and tears, but i thank the Good Lord they are still here for me. if i didnt have them, i probably would be dead and gone. i love them so much it hurts. and at times i feel bad, especially about my youngest, because i dont always have money to buy her the things she wants. it hurts me to the point i sometimes break down and cry because i want her to have everything and i feel like a loser because i cant give it to her. but she is resourceful, and she has her little job at the neighborhood candy store where she is saving her little money in her cute blue "pig pig" piggybank.
also at times, i feel like a burden to my kids because of my illness. i sometimes feel guilty that they look out for me, and i'm a worthless piece of shit because i am unable to work anymore. i hate this illness and what it has done to me, and yes, in my darkest, most wretched moments, i dont feel that my daughters deserve a broken, worthless half-crazy mother like me, and i will go into the bathroom and stare long and hard at the bottle of ibuprofen with tears in my eyes because i feel they deserve a mother who is mentally stable and whole, not an old broke-down nutjob like me. then i close the cabinet and sit on the commode and weep, because i know it would hurt my kids more if i killed myself, so i push those thoughts out of my mind.
as i type this missive, i'm sitting here with tears in my eyes because for a long time i thought my kids hated me, and now i see they always loved me, even when i didnt love myself. i'm crying now because of the love i have for my children is so deep it hurts.
i better go now. it's getting harder to type while i'm crying like this.
a little bit of my poetic flow
the freedom to be ME
im not perfect
never claimed to be
and i damn sure dont possess
a wall full of degrees
like AA, BS
Master's or PhD
im just an ordinary woman
as ordinary as can be
and all i've ever wanted
was the FREEDOM TO BE ME...
why do people wanna judge me?
why do they feel this need
to criticize or diss me?
ive tried over and over
to figure this shit out
and all it has done
is leave me in doubt
about who I am
and what others say
i should be
when all i want is
THE FREEDOM TO BE ME...
to live my life
on MY own terms
to have the freedom of choice
in what lessons i learn
be they easy or hard
dont matter one bit
and God knows i'm so tired
of hearing other people's bullshit
and im REAL tired
of tryin so hard to fit
into a mold of what
other people say
the way i "oughta" be
please for God's sake
lemme find my own way!
i mean, i do respect
what you might have to say
but if i make a mistake
or i stumble and fall
i dont need negative comments
or criticism from y'all
lemme be the person
that I wanna be
be it right or wrong
good or bad
happy or sad
whatever the fuck it is
they are MY choices y'see?
so goddam it please
honor my plea
be you friend or society
lemme have the God-given right
and the FREEDOM TO BE ME!!!!!!!
im not perfect
never claimed to be
and i damn sure dont possess
a wall full of degrees
like AA, BS
Master's or PhD
im just an ordinary woman
as ordinary as can be
and all i've ever wanted
was the FREEDOM TO BE ME...
why do people wanna judge me?
why do they feel this need
to criticize or diss me?
ive tried over and over
to figure this shit out
and all it has done
is leave me in doubt
about who I am
and what others say
i should be
when all i want is
THE FREEDOM TO BE ME...
to live my life
on MY own terms
to have the freedom of choice
in what lessons i learn
be they easy or hard
dont matter one bit
and God knows i'm so tired
of hearing other people's bullshit
and im REAL tired
of tryin so hard to fit
into a mold of what
other people say
the way i "oughta" be
please for God's sake
lemme find my own way!
i mean, i do respect
what you might have to say
but if i make a mistake
or i stumble and fall
i dont need negative comments
or criticism from y'all
lemme be the person
that I wanna be
be it right or wrong
good or bad
happy or sad
whatever the fuck it is
they are MY choices y'see?
so goddam it please
honor my plea
be you friend or society
lemme have the God-given right
and the FREEDOM TO BE ME!!!!!!!
Sunday, August 14, 2005
just one of them daze........
today is 'just one of them daze' where again, i'm sittin on my big fat ass surfin' the 'Net, reading and posting comments on other people's blogs....btw, a HUGE THANK YOU!!!!!! to all of those nice ppl who dropped by my blog and posted comments. it is a great feeling to know i'm not alone in feeling the way i do sometimes, and your posts are warmly welcomed....so again THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i guess i really dont have much to talk about today....same shit, different day. i'm down to my last cig and i need to get my lazy butt out of this house and traispe up to the gas station to get me some more.... at least i can say 'wow, i actually got out of the house today!' yeah, big whoop.
from the different blogs i've read, i see that i'm not alone in this bloggin' thang. shit, i've literally kicked watchin' TV to the curb, just so i have a reason to get up everyday. yet, from my reading, i have come across some wonderfully written blogs that make mine look written roadkill. my heart goes out to all of us who are still struggling with our respective illnesses, i.e., depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, P.T.S.D., OCD, panic/anxiety attacks, SI/SH/SM urges, dual diagnoses (substance/alcohol issues along with mental illness issues). i pray that one day we will finally be set free from out personal demons and also be accepted as PEOPLE and not fallacies of the lunatics portrayed on TV and in the movies. i pray that we all are accepted as ONE world, regardless of race, sexual orientation, body type, hair texture/length, creed, color, and yes, even mental illness. theres' way too much sterotyping in this world, and if any of y'all feel like i do, that bullshit needs to STOP. Seriously.
well, lemme get offa my soapbox. holla back.
i guess i really dont have much to talk about today....same shit, different day. i'm down to my last cig and i need to get my lazy butt out of this house and traispe up to the gas station to get me some more.... at least i can say 'wow, i actually got out of the house today!' yeah, big whoop.
from the different blogs i've read, i see that i'm not alone in this bloggin' thang. shit, i've literally kicked watchin' TV to the curb, just so i have a reason to get up everyday. yet, from my reading, i have come across some wonderfully written blogs that make mine look written roadkill. my heart goes out to all of us who are still struggling with our respective illnesses, i.e., depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, P.T.S.D., OCD, panic/anxiety attacks, SI/SH/SM urges, dual diagnoses (substance/alcohol issues along with mental illness issues). i pray that one day we will finally be set free from out personal demons and also be accepted as PEOPLE and not fallacies of the lunatics portrayed on TV and in the movies. i pray that we all are accepted as ONE world, regardless of race, sexual orientation, body type, hair texture/length, creed, color, and yes, even mental illness. theres' way too much sterotyping in this world, and if any of y'all feel like i do, that bullshit needs to STOP. Seriously.
well, lemme get offa my soapbox. holla back.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
tired of people's bullshit
shit. a boring day all around. i guess i'm back in the fog again. aint wanted to do shit, but sit my fat ass at this computer and read other folks blogs and post comments. wow...fun, huh? at least i know there are other folks out there kindasorta feeling the way i do from time to time.
i went online and saw my phone bill and nearly fainted....but i knew it would be high, so i immediately got on the horn and called SBC to work out a payment plan. as i said before, it's gonna be tighter than tight around here, and i know when shit like this happens, that's usually when i start relapsing. but i'm gonna fight it wit all i got. i went ahead and gave my youngest daughter her birthday card and present ( a cute Pooh Bear wallet where i'd hidden some money) early so that i wouldnt forget to do it when her actual birthday comes on the 25th. she's been making $15 a day working in the little candy store and i'm proud of her putting her money in her little blue plastic piggy bank. once again, the TV is yappin at the living room, cuz i've been online all damn day either playing computer games or reading blogs. great life, eh?
i went to the pdoc appt yesterday, but i cancelled it because i didnt wanna take a chance and get a bill because those fuckers from Amerigroup are still on my medicaid card until next month, then they will be gone for good. my pdoc understood my dilemma, and i said that once i got the new medicaid card for september minus Amerigroup then i will make an appointment. he did tell me if i needed meds that he would help me out with samples until everything is finally straigtened out. so far *knock wood* i'm ok in that department. i also gotta call my T and tell him what i told my pdoc, because i was supposed to have an appointment with him on monday.
*sigh* well soon i'll get my cig order (cheap ones mind you) and i wont have to buy cigs for a while provided i dont get stressed and chain-smoke like i've been doing. and, next month i can actually go grocery shopping like i used to since public aid increased my foodstamps from the shitty $10 i was getting.
you know what amazes me and pisses me off at the same time? when you (choose) to disclose you have a mental illness, and you keep yourself up, they look at you or say asinine shit like, "well you seem fine to me" or "i dont see anything different about you". NEWS FLASH! just because a person takes the time to groom themselves and not look like a bag lady, or a bum, dont mean that they are 'ok'! sure, there are many poor souls walking around dirty, disheveled, and talking to themselves, but most of those poor souls cant help it. so i say dont pigeonhole the others who take the time to keep themselves clean and neat, that we too should "look" like those poor souls, a'ight? i recall a time when my ex said some shit to me that i shoulda went off about, like, "well are you EVER gonna get well? are you EVER gonna go back to work?" like i was some lazy deadbeat living off "the good working people" like her, and so many others, collecting a check every month. WTF?
to answer that question, i dont KNOW if i will ever be 'well' ! would you ask a diabetic if they will ever "get well"? would you ask a person with leukemia will they ever "get well"? i am so goddam tired of the stigma associated with mental illness! yes, some of us DO eventually "get well" but it's a daily struggle to just keep sane. just like patients who have cancer, and go into remission, so it is with the mentally ill. we go into 'remission' and can be just fine until something throws a monkey wrench into that 'well' state and fucks us up again. those of us who suffer from depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, panic/anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other mental illnesses are no different than those who have diabetes, or high blood pressure (hypertension), or HIV, or cancer. we have a legitimate ILLNESS that can be just as debilitatitng, just as severe, and sad to say, sometimes deadly as those other physical illnesses. when one loses touch with reality, has crying spells, racing thoughts, hallucinations/hearing voices, or even contemplating s*icide, we are sick too! but i guess these uninformed idiots think that because some of us still keep up our hygiene, and can hold a conversation that we are
"getting over on the system" and that we "could hold a job if we really wanted to".
and that we should "just snap out of it". ANOTHER NEWS FLASH---some of us just cant "snap out of it" ok? any little thing can trigger a relapse that could put us back in the hospital, ok?
i get sick and fucking tired of people saying trite shit like 'well everybody gets depressed sometimes....you'll be alright." i say FUCK YOU! unitl you have experienced what i have, until YOU have burst into tears while working, until YOU have sat around in your nightclothes day after day, zoning out into space, or heard voices, or worse, have considered ending your life because you feel like a worthless piece of shit that nobody gives a fuck about, muthafucka, dont tell me shit about how I should feel, a'ight? keep your asinine bullshit to y'self, ya heard?
if anybody can relate to this, feel free to post a comment. BTW- thanks to all who have visited and read my blog....it means a lot to me.
holla back, a'ight?
i went online and saw my phone bill and nearly fainted....but i knew it would be high, so i immediately got on the horn and called SBC to work out a payment plan. as i said before, it's gonna be tighter than tight around here, and i know when shit like this happens, that's usually when i start relapsing. but i'm gonna fight it wit all i got. i went ahead and gave my youngest daughter her birthday card and present ( a cute Pooh Bear wallet where i'd hidden some money) early so that i wouldnt forget to do it when her actual birthday comes on the 25th. she's been making $15 a day working in the little candy store and i'm proud of her putting her money in her little blue plastic piggy bank. once again, the TV is yappin at the living room, cuz i've been online all damn day either playing computer games or reading blogs. great life, eh?
i went to the pdoc appt yesterday, but i cancelled it because i didnt wanna take a chance and get a bill because those fuckers from Amerigroup are still on my medicaid card until next month, then they will be gone for good. my pdoc understood my dilemma, and i said that once i got the new medicaid card for september minus Amerigroup then i will make an appointment. he did tell me if i needed meds that he would help me out with samples until everything is finally straigtened out. so far *knock wood* i'm ok in that department. i also gotta call my T and tell him what i told my pdoc, because i was supposed to have an appointment with him on monday.
*sigh* well soon i'll get my cig order (cheap ones mind you) and i wont have to buy cigs for a while provided i dont get stressed and chain-smoke like i've been doing. and, next month i can actually go grocery shopping like i used to since public aid increased my foodstamps from the shitty $10 i was getting.
you know what amazes me and pisses me off at the same time? when you (choose) to disclose you have a mental illness, and you keep yourself up, they look at you or say asinine shit like, "well you seem fine to me" or "i dont see anything different about you". NEWS FLASH! just because a person takes the time to groom themselves and not look like a bag lady, or a bum, dont mean that they are 'ok'! sure, there are many poor souls walking around dirty, disheveled, and talking to themselves, but most of those poor souls cant help it. so i say dont pigeonhole the others who take the time to keep themselves clean and neat, that we too should "look" like those poor souls, a'ight? i recall a time when my ex said some shit to me that i shoulda went off about, like, "well are you EVER gonna get well? are you EVER gonna go back to work?" like i was some lazy deadbeat living off "the good working people" like her, and so many others, collecting a check every month. WTF?
to answer that question, i dont KNOW if i will ever be 'well' ! would you ask a diabetic if they will ever "get well"? would you ask a person with leukemia will they ever "get well"? i am so goddam tired of the stigma associated with mental illness! yes, some of us DO eventually "get well" but it's a daily struggle to just keep sane. just like patients who have cancer, and go into remission, so it is with the mentally ill. we go into 'remission' and can be just fine until something throws a monkey wrench into that 'well' state and fucks us up again. those of us who suffer from depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, panic/anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other mental illnesses are no different than those who have diabetes, or high blood pressure (hypertension), or HIV, or cancer. we have a legitimate ILLNESS that can be just as debilitatitng, just as severe, and sad to say, sometimes deadly as those other physical illnesses. when one loses touch with reality, has crying spells, racing thoughts, hallucinations/hearing voices, or even contemplating s*icide, we are sick too! but i guess these uninformed idiots think that because some of us still keep up our hygiene, and can hold a conversation that we are
"getting over on the system" and that we "could hold a job if we really wanted to".
and that we should "just snap out of it". ANOTHER NEWS FLASH---some of us just cant "snap out of it" ok? any little thing can trigger a relapse that could put us back in the hospital, ok?
i get sick and fucking tired of people saying trite shit like 'well everybody gets depressed sometimes....you'll be alright." i say FUCK YOU! unitl you have experienced what i have, until YOU have burst into tears while working, until YOU have sat around in your nightclothes day after day, zoning out into space, or heard voices, or worse, have considered ending your life because you feel like a worthless piece of shit that nobody gives a fuck about, muthafucka, dont tell me shit about how I should feel, a'ight? keep your asinine bullshit to y'self, ya heard?
if anybody can relate to this, feel free to post a comment. BTW- thanks to all who have visited and read my blog....it means a lot to me.
holla back, a'ight?
Friday, August 12, 2005
a rainy day in Chi-town
*sigh* it's a dreary day out today. yesterday wasnt any better, but at least it has cooled off some. got up took my AM meds and then i see my pdoc today at 12:30. after that i will go and pick up my meds from Walgreens, and try to get out to the hospital where my godson is. poor baby is probably thinking i dont love him no more. i sent an email to Ms. Williams at the museum for their event tonight, the Neo-Soul Explosion, first saying i was considering coming tonight and also asked if i could perform some of my poetry. i havent checked my other email addy to see if she responded, but after all the running around i will be doing today, i doubt very seriously if i go tonight. i dunno.
well one bit of decent news...my caseworker called me back (finally) to tell me that since i wont be getting a check for my daughter from Social Security (which sucks) that my foodstamps will increase next month from that fucked up $10.00 to $197.00 starting on the 1st of September. i'm glad of the increase, cuz at least i can go grocery shopping like i used to and not run out of food before the end of the month. to supplement my cupboard with food, i've been going to a couple of churches in my neighborhood that gives away food so at least me and my daughter wont go hungry. also, i have signed up to buy some cheap cigs online so that i wont have to cough (pardon the pun) up $5.70 or $6 for a pack of my regular brands, Salem Lights 100s or Virginia Slims Menthol Lights 100s. i mean this site has those brands, but since my funds are gonna be super tight, hell, as long as it's a menthol light 100 cig, beggars cant be choosy. as it is i've been smoking these Maverick Menthol Light100s, and they aint so bad, plus they are only $4.80 or $4.75 a pack and like i said, these will do when i cant afford my usuals. so i should be getting my online cig order soon.
i've also signed up with both the light and gas company's 'budget' program, which hopefully will keep my light and gas bills to a minimum. the phone company -- well, that's a different ball of wax. i guess after i see my next bill and pass out and then come to i will ask them to put me on the "defer bill" plan where i can pay them a little at a time.
i'm trying to cut corners as i can by helping myself, and even my teenage daughter is making a little change for herself by working at this little candy store up a couple blocks from where the UPS store is. she dont make much, but hey, i give my babygirl mad respect for trying.
shit.....i hope nobody from Social Security reads these things, otherwise i'm fucked! and that's all i need is for them to see this shit......oh well, 3 tears in a bucket, mutha fuck it.
that's it for now. peace.
well one bit of decent news...my caseworker called me back (finally) to tell me that since i wont be getting a check for my daughter from Social Security (which sucks) that my foodstamps will increase next month from that fucked up $10.00 to $197.00 starting on the 1st of September. i'm glad of the increase, cuz at least i can go grocery shopping like i used to and not run out of food before the end of the month. to supplement my cupboard with food, i've been going to a couple of churches in my neighborhood that gives away food so at least me and my daughter wont go hungry. also, i have signed up to buy some cheap cigs online so that i wont have to cough (pardon the pun) up $5.70 or $6 for a pack of my regular brands, Salem Lights 100s or Virginia Slims Menthol Lights 100s. i mean this site has those brands, but since my funds are gonna be super tight, hell, as long as it's a menthol light 100 cig, beggars cant be choosy. as it is i've been smoking these Maverick Menthol Light100s, and they aint so bad, plus they are only $4.80 or $4.75 a pack and like i said, these will do when i cant afford my usuals. so i should be getting my online cig order soon.
i've also signed up with both the light and gas company's 'budget' program, which hopefully will keep my light and gas bills to a minimum. the phone company -- well, that's a different ball of wax. i guess after i see my next bill and pass out and then come to i will ask them to put me on the "defer bill" plan where i can pay them a little at a time.
i'm trying to cut corners as i can by helping myself, and even my teenage daughter is making a little change for herself by working at this little candy store up a couple blocks from where the UPS store is. she dont make much, but hey, i give my babygirl mad respect for trying.
shit.....i hope nobody from Social Security reads these things, otherwise i'm fucked! and that's all i need is for them to see this shit......oh well, 3 tears in a bucket, mutha fuck it.
that's it for now. peace.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
cruisin' along
well i guess i got over my "fuck it" mode for a while. i actually got out of the house (yay for the loony lady!) and went to this church in my neighborhood and racked up a few extra groceries. at the suggestion of my friend V, i called the light and gas companies and asked to be put on their "budget" plan, since i wont be getting a check for my daughter no more...fuck! so my budget is gonna be tighter than dick's hatband next month and i still got rent and bills to pay. i aint gonna have much left after *sigh*, but i gotta do what i gotta do. i went back out in the stifling heat and bought me a couple packs of cheap squares, and then rode the bus up to the Walgreens and bought some precooked fried chicken (yum, the hot'n'spicy kind i like), and bought my daughter a pack of her brand of smokes and got back on the bus (thank God it was air conditioned) and came on back home. i also managed to finally get around to washing the dishes that were piling up and cooked dinner...we're having the chicken (which was microwavable, thank God), some cheesy mashed potatoes, and some fresh corn on the cob. so at least me and my daughter will be eating good for a while. i dont know where i got all this energy from and i aint gonna question it...i give all the credit to the Good Lord. oh yeah, yesterday my friend V cut my hair for me so the sheep's ass is finally gone and i look like a person again *big cheesy grin* :). she wears her hair close cut like i do and she's been cutting it for me since my funds have been tight.
i have an appointment on Friday with my pdoc, and i see my T on the 15th. i guess my mood has improved since i finally closed off all contact with my ex, because i aint gotta hear the drama from her no more. and if y'all are wondering, yes, my gate swings in both directions, ok. end of story.
my friend V bought me a cute little red hat and gave me a shitload of hair gel and some vitamins and also some facial soap. she's bipolar and has borderline personality, but i understand her and aside from a few ppl i know from IM's thru Yahoo and MSN, they're my only friends. i do have some guy friends too, in fact i went to see one of 'em yesterday too. i was once crazy in love with this cat -- for close to 10 years i carried a torch, but it was not to be, so....moving right along. it was good to see him again tho, and he always made me laugh. he and i are the same astro sign Capricorn, only his b-day is a week before mine -- his is December 23 and mine is December 30, so every year we call each other on our respective birthdays and say, well, happy birthday.
then my godson called me last night and told me he was in the hospital recovering from pneumonia. me and Capricorn Brutha are gonna go see him whenever he finishes up doing what he's doing. my godson is gay, but i love him like my own son, and i nearly cried when he told me he had HIV. thankfully, he's already on meds and had been doing fine, until monday when he told me his back was hurting something awful and went to the ER and they admitted him because he had pneumonia. i just worry that his immune system can fight it off in spite of the HIV. i worry about that boy even more and i pray constantly that he will live a long healthy life. with the newer meds that are out for HIV, i feel he will make it...hell, he'll probably live longer than me, cus i am a hopeless nicotine addict.
anyways, so far, i've been cruisin' along at a steady pace. i just hope it stays like this for a while. for now, that's all folks. peace.
i have an appointment on Friday with my pdoc, and i see my T on the 15th. i guess my mood has improved since i finally closed off all contact with my ex, because i aint gotta hear the drama from her no more. and if y'all are wondering, yes, my gate swings in both directions, ok. end of story.
my friend V bought me a cute little red hat and gave me a shitload of hair gel and some vitamins and also some facial soap. she's bipolar and has borderline personality, but i understand her and aside from a few ppl i know from IM's thru Yahoo and MSN, they're my only friends. i do have some guy friends too, in fact i went to see one of 'em yesterday too. i was once crazy in love with this cat -- for close to 10 years i carried a torch, but it was not to be, so....moving right along. it was good to see him again tho, and he always made me laugh. he and i are the same astro sign Capricorn, only his b-day is a week before mine -- his is December 23 and mine is December 30, so every year we call each other on our respective birthdays and say, well, happy birthday.
then my godson called me last night and told me he was in the hospital recovering from pneumonia. me and Capricorn Brutha are gonna go see him whenever he finishes up doing what he's doing. my godson is gay, but i love him like my own son, and i nearly cried when he told me he had HIV. thankfully, he's already on meds and had been doing fine, until monday when he told me his back was hurting something awful and went to the ER and they admitted him because he had pneumonia. i just worry that his immune system can fight it off in spite of the HIV. i worry about that boy even more and i pray constantly that he will live a long healthy life. with the newer meds that are out for HIV, i feel he will make it...hell, he'll probably live longer than me, cus i am a hopeless nicotine addict.
anyways, so far, i've been cruisin' along at a steady pace. i just hope it stays like this for a while. for now, that's all folks. peace.
Monday, August 08, 2005
the fog is beginning to fade - slowly
good morning/evening/night wherever you are reading this from. well, today seems like its much better than yesterday when i was in the "Twilight Zone". first off, i called my T to set up an appointment for this week; unfortunately he was booked all this week, but he did tell me to pick a day next week, which i did. so Tuesday the 15th i will see him and try to unload all of this shit that's been backing up in my head. then i called the phone company and asked them to add their 'call screening' feature to my service because there were certain people i didnt want to talk to -- so that went well. then i got a call from this fucked up 'managed care' group called 'Amerigroup' telling me that i am officially disenrolled from them and that my Medicaid card from public aid for September will be just straight Medicaid. *woo hoo thank you Jesus!*
i dont know what made me sign up with those idiots in the first place. i guess because they seemed to offer more than Medicaid did in terms of no co-pays for certain meds (altho Medicaid usually asks for a $3 co-pay, which is doable) which is about the only thing i will miss about them. other than that, i could give less than a rat's ass about them muthafuckas. at least now i can go to my T sessions next month and not have to worry about whether or not it will be covered. i hope and pray that i dont get a fucking bill from my last session with my pdoc or for my upcoming session with my T. that's all i need right now -- another fucking bill.
anyways, i think i will get my ass in the bathtub today to wash away two weeks worth of funk and also wash my hair and maybe do some small tasks around this house. i kinda clued in to what was making me feel so blah....i had been talking with my ex a lot lately and all she had to offer was drama and more drama from her dysfunctional family, and i just didnt wanna hear it no more. i sent an email saying that i'm not in the best of moods and that i wont be calling and ask that she not call me. then i blocked both of her email addys so she couldnt respond and next i will remove her numbers from my cell phone. i have made up my mind that you cant be friends with ex'es...at least i cant, because all it does is trigger residual feelings and i dont wanna be a part of that shit no more. so this time, i aint gonna look back. what used to be aint no more and it's time to completely close and lock the door on that part of my past. God knows i dont need the drama. i was doing fine when i wasnt talking to her, and i noticed since i had been, it was pulling me back to the dark hole again, and i aint tryin to go back to that fucked-up place no more. aint nobody worth that kind of shit, and i for one, know good and hell well i do not need to hear nobody's drama when i'm still struggling to keep what little sanity i got left. so FUCK IT
(lol).
now i'm just praying to God that i can make myself get outta this house and go back to doing my volunteer work -- even if its only a day a week. at least when i volunteer at the hospital they give us a $5 lunch voucher, so i aint gotta pay nuttin outta my pocket. which is more than i can say about the museum, altho i do like being around the artistic atmosphere. but i'mma be takin baby steps...aint gonna try to do everything all at once. i'mma take my time -- hell that i got plenty of as it is (lol).
so -- we shall see how it goes. i'm out. peace.
i dont know what made me sign up with those idiots in the first place. i guess because they seemed to offer more than Medicaid did in terms of no co-pays for certain meds (altho Medicaid usually asks for a $3 co-pay, which is doable) which is about the only thing i will miss about them. other than that, i could give less than a rat's ass about them muthafuckas. at least now i can go to my T sessions next month and not have to worry about whether or not it will be covered. i hope and pray that i dont get a fucking bill from my last session with my pdoc or for my upcoming session with my T. that's all i need right now -- another fucking bill.
anyways, i think i will get my ass in the bathtub today to wash away two weeks worth of funk and also wash my hair and maybe do some small tasks around this house. i kinda clued in to what was making me feel so blah....i had been talking with my ex a lot lately and all she had to offer was drama and more drama from her dysfunctional family, and i just didnt wanna hear it no more. i sent an email saying that i'm not in the best of moods and that i wont be calling and ask that she not call me. then i blocked both of her email addys so she couldnt respond and next i will remove her numbers from my cell phone. i have made up my mind that you cant be friends with ex'es...at least i cant, because all it does is trigger residual feelings and i dont wanna be a part of that shit no more. so this time, i aint gonna look back. what used to be aint no more and it's time to completely close and lock the door on that part of my past. God knows i dont need the drama. i was doing fine when i wasnt talking to her, and i noticed since i had been, it was pulling me back to the dark hole again, and i aint tryin to go back to that fucked-up place no more. aint nobody worth that kind of shit, and i for one, know good and hell well i do not need to hear nobody's drama when i'm still struggling to keep what little sanity i got left. so FUCK IT
(lol).
now i'm just praying to God that i can make myself get outta this house and go back to doing my volunteer work -- even if its only a day a week. at least when i volunteer at the hospital they give us a $5 lunch voucher, so i aint gotta pay nuttin outta my pocket. which is more than i can say about the museum, altho i do like being around the artistic atmosphere. but i'mma be takin baby steps...aint gonna try to do everything all at once. i'mma take my time -- hell that i got plenty of as it is (lol).
so -- we shall see how it goes. i'm out. peace.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
some shit that's been churnin around in my head....
here i am again. same shit, no different than my last post. *sigh*. i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me. i mean, damn, i take my meds the way i'm s'posed to, yet i feel like i'm in the fuckin' Twilight Zone and just waitin' for Rod Serling to come out and say "picture a woman, alone, sitting in the dark, smoking a cigarette, aimlessly typing shit nobody will probably ever read. she hasnt washed in two weeks, her hair is like a sheep's ass, and she dont give a fuck. this is the border between sanity and madness....next stop, the Twilight Zone......"
*sigh*. i just got off the phone with one of my friends i met when i was in the partial hospital program. i know all the things she's tellin me are right....that i should get out more, make myself do things that make me happy, bla bla bla....yet i just dont have the fuckin motivation to do a damn thing. and i know i should. i know this, but yet...shit, i just fuckin dont want to. i know it aint time for that bitch 'Aunt Flo' to make her monthly visit cuz i just finished with her ass last month, so i dunno.....i just fuckin dont know.
oh wait, i did manage to take my fat ass to the gas station to buy me a couple packs of squares, but even while i was walking i felt like i wasnt in my body....my affect is flat, and i caught myself starting to zone out. if i hadnt, i probably woulda got my ass run over when i crossed the street both coming and going. maybe i'm upset because i dont have enuf money to really give to my teenage daughter for her b-day that's comin up. i will get her a card and put whatever i can finagle in the card, but then she was sayin she wanted a cake for her b-day....and with the fuckin $10 i get a month in food stamps, well hell that's gone already. and birthday cakes dont come cheap.....the child is gon be 18 -- shit i didnt have no cake when i turnt 18.....but i love her dearly so i'm gonna find a way somehow....maybe i can ask my oldest daughter for the money......
Lord, please if you're listening, whatever this funk that i'm in please, i beg you, help me out of it. i used to be a person that stayed on the move....now i'm just a fuckin hermit. yet i know my friend is right....i need to get my fat ass up and outta this house. this is so not me.....i'm a Capricorn dammit, and we usually are always moving....but then again, depression is common with this sign too and when we get depressed, i mean we get DEPRESSED ok?
and to think a few months earlier i was full of energy....what the fuck happened????? i mean, when i was working, i used to dream about staying home all the time, which caused me problems with my attendance at the jobs i had. now that i am home all the time, i dont know what the fuck to do! i need to clean my house, but the thought of that just makes me tired. i used to work like a dog when i was working -- i mean from the time i hit the floor at 3pm all the way til 11pm, i was movin non-stop (FYI i used to work as a CNA - certified nurse assistant in various hospitals). a lot of the shit i did would have killed the average person, but no, not me....i would pull 300-450 pound patients up in the bed BY MYSELF ok? i would go out of my way to make sure my patients were well tended before i ended my shift, even to the point if an admission came in and my shift was officially over, i would sometime deliberately miss my bus so i could get that patient admitted and settled in their room so that the 11-7 crew wouldnt have to do it. call me stupid, but that was just the way i worked. now, after 11 years, you couldnt pay me to do that kind of shit no more. and i'm suffering from all that heavy work...i had to have surgery on my right shoulder because i had torn a ligament next to the rotator cuff from pullin heavy assed muthafuckas off stretchers and on to their beds. and now that same shoulder hurts like a muthafucka from the overuse - again. both my knees are shot to hell from standing on my feet all the damn time and from falling on both of em several times. i have to walk with a cane just to climb these three flights of concrete stairs in my building. and yeah, i know i need to lose weight, but fat lazy bitch that i am, again i say FUCK IT. i had dropped about 30 pounds before i stopped working, to the point my fucking uniforms started hanging offa me. now if i were to try em all on they'd be too fuckin small. FUCK IT.
i just got too much jumbled shit churnin around in my head. God help me, please.....i dont know what the hell else to do.....
*sigh*. i just got off the phone with one of my friends i met when i was in the partial hospital program. i know all the things she's tellin me are right....that i should get out more, make myself do things that make me happy, bla bla bla....yet i just dont have the fuckin motivation to do a damn thing. and i know i should. i know this, but yet...shit, i just fuckin dont want to. i know it aint time for that bitch 'Aunt Flo' to make her monthly visit cuz i just finished with her ass last month, so i dunno.....i just fuckin dont know.
oh wait, i did manage to take my fat ass to the gas station to buy me a couple packs of squares, but even while i was walking i felt like i wasnt in my body....my affect is flat, and i caught myself starting to zone out. if i hadnt, i probably woulda got my ass run over when i crossed the street both coming and going. maybe i'm upset because i dont have enuf money to really give to my teenage daughter for her b-day that's comin up. i will get her a card and put whatever i can finagle in the card, but then she was sayin she wanted a cake for her b-day....and with the fuckin $10 i get a month in food stamps, well hell that's gone already. and birthday cakes dont come cheap.....the child is gon be 18 -- shit i didnt have no cake when i turnt 18.....but i love her dearly so i'm gonna find a way somehow....maybe i can ask my oldest daughter for the money......
Lord, please if you're listening, whatever this funk that i'm in please, i beg you, help me out of it. i used to be a person that stayed on the move....now i'm just a fuckin hermit. yet i know my friend is right....i need to get my fat ass up and outta this house. this is so not me.....i'm a Capricorn dammit, and we usually are always moving....but then again, depression is common with this sign too and when we get depressed, i mean we get DEPRESSED ok?
and to think a few months earlier i was full of energy....what the fuck happened????? i mean, when i was working, i used to dream about staying home all the time, which caused me problems with my attendance at the jobs i had. now that i am home all the time, i dont know what the fuck to do! i need to clean my house, but the thought of that just makes me tired. i used to work like a dog when i was working -- i mean from the time i hit the floor at 3pm all the way til 11pm, i was movin non-stop (FYI i used to work as a CNA - certified nurse assistant in various hospitals). a lot of the shit i did would have killed the average person, but no, not me....i would pull 300-450 pound patients up in the bed BY MYSELF ok? i would go out of my way to make sure my patients were well tended before i ended my shift, even to the point if an admission came in and my shift was officially over, i would sometime deliberately miss my bus so i could get that patient admitted and settled in their room so that the 11-7 crew wouldnt have to do it. call me stupid, but that was just the way i worked. now, after 11 years, you couldnt pay me to do that kind of shit no more. and i'm suffering from all that heavy work...i had to have surgery on my right shoulder because i had torn a ligament next to the rotator cuff from pullin heavy assed muthafuckas off stretchers and on to their beds. and now that same shoulder hurts like a muthafucka from the overuse - again. both my knees are shot to hell from standing on my feet all the damn time and from falling on both of em several times. i have to walk with a cane just to climb these three flights of concrete stairs in my building. and yeah, i know i need to lose weight, but fat lazy bitch that i am, again i say FUCK IT. i had dropped about 30 pounds before i stopped working, to the point my fucking uniforms started hanging offa me. now if i were to try em all on they'd be too fuckin small. FUCK IT.
i just got too much jumbled shit churnin around in my head. God help me, please.....i dont know what the hell else to do.....
emotionally numb
today i just feel like my emotions have had a whopping dose of Novacaine injected into them. i'm not depressed, just...numb for lack of a better word. i mean, all my bills are paid, my rent is paid, i have food in my crib, but i cant understand for the life of me why i feel so emotionally numb inside. i guess i got a industrial-strength case of anhedonia meaning "loss of pleasure." that seems to fit my mood right now. i should be out and about enjoying the sun and cooler temperatures, but instead i'd rather just hide away from the world.
people that i know say i am talented and i should share my talents to the world, because i like to draw, and also write poetry. and it's funny -- those very things used to give me a lot of pleasure. i used to do open mike poetry events....now, i just dont want to be bothered. *sigh*
i fill my days now getting up out of bed, and sitting at this computer all day long, either surfing or playing Yahoo! computer games. what friends i used to hang out with, i just dont want to no more...i mean my godson is a DJ, and he plays the kind of music i like which is dusties (an affectionate term black folks here in Chi-town call 'oldies') and there was a time i would not be sittin at home on a saturday night but hangin wit him and dancin my ass off. now......i cant be bothered. i mean, sittin in a old-ass lounge with some even older-ass old men and women perched at the bar or elsewhere just dont fly wit me. and i hate when them old-ass-Viagra-taking muthafuckas try to push up on me....shit, go take yo old ass home and soak ya dentures, Poli-Grip breath, damn!
i am gonna call my T tomorrow and set up an appointment. maybe by talkin somma this shit out will help me feel better --- i dunno. as i said in my last post, i aint combed this sheep's ass head of mine, i aint bothered to take a bath, i just dont feel like doing a goddam thing. the TV is on watchin the room, and i could really care less. my teenage daughter is gatherin her clothes together to do her laundry...me? fuck it. i'm lucky if i summon up the energy to wash out some draws for myself. nothing --- absolutely NOTHING interests me right now. so FUCK IT.
if anybody else out there has/is feelin what i'm sayin here, holla back, a'ight?
three tears in a bucket, muthaFUCK it.
people that i know say i am talented and i should share my talents to the world, because i like to draw, and also write poetry. and it's funny -- those very things used to give me a lot of pleasure. i used to do open mike poetry events....now, i just dont want to be bothered. *sigh*
i fill my days now getting up out of bed, and sitting at this computer all day long, either surfing or playing Yahoo! computer games. what friends i used to hang out with, i just dont want to no more...i mean my godson is a DJ, and he plays the kind of music i like which is dusties (an affectionate term black folks here in Chi-town call 'oldies') and there was a time i would not be sittin at home on a saturday night but hangin wit him and dancin my ass off. now......i cant be bothered. i mean, sittin in a old-ass lounge with some even older-ass old men and women perched at the bar or elsewhere just dont fly wit me. and i hate when them old-ass-Viagra-taking muthafuckas try to push up on me....shit, go take yo old ass home and soak ya dentures, Poli-Grip breath, damn!
i am gonna call my T tomorrow and set up an appointment. maybe by talkin somma this shit out will help me feel better --- i dunno. as i said in my last post, i aint combed this sheep's ass head of mine, i aint bothered to take a bath, i just dont feel like doing a goddam thing. the TV is on watchin the room, and i could really care less. my teenage daughter is gatherin her clothes together to do her laundry...me? fuck it. i'm lucky if i summon up the energy to wash out some draws for myself. nothing --- absolutely NOTHING interests me right now. so FUCK IT.
if anybody else out there has/is feelin what i'm sayin here, holla back, a'ight?
three tears in a bucket, muthaFUCK it.
Saturday, August 06, 2005
the 'fuck-its'
yep. that's how i feel right now...i have what i affectionately call a case of the "fuck-its". the 'fuck its' happen for me when i have a boatload of shit aimlessly running thru my head and i aint got the energy to figure the shit out so i just say 'fuck it.' it's when shit that is too stupid and asinine beyond belief is just too stupid and asinine beyond belief that you can't fuckin figure it out...enter the 'fuck its'.
for those of y'all who like the term 'the fuck-its' please feel free to use it as you like....fuck it lol
have you ever just felt like nothing fuckin matters no more?
have you ever wished you could just dis-ap-fucking-pear because people in general make you sick?
have you ever looked at a so called "sane" person and knew deep down inside that they were a raving lunatic too?
have you seen these stupid drug commercials where they tell you the side effects of certain medications...i.e., Viagra (sorry guys no disrespect to those who take the shit a'ight?) that
it "may cause blindness?" WTF??????? oh yeah that's a winner right there....you have a hard dick but unfortunately you gotta use a Braille condom because you've gone fuckin blind!!!!!
oh yeah...you'll get a woody, but ya cant fuckin SEE it! damn, i had always heard that if a guy jacked off too much he'd go blind.....wtf?
have you ever just felt like slapping the shit outta somebody on general purpose?
fuck it....
have you ever had the 'fuck-its'? if so, holla back at me!
Quote from George Clinton of "Parliament/Funkadelic -- "three tears in a bucket, mutha
FUCK IT!!!!!!!"
i'm out. holla!
for those of y'all who like the term 'the fuck-its' please feel free to use it as you like....fuck it lol
have you ever just felt like nothing fuckin matters no more?
have you ever wished you could just dis-ap-fucking-pear because people in general make you sick?
have you ever looked at a so called "sane" person and knew deep down inside that they were a raving lunatic too?
have you seen these stupid drug commercials where they tell you the side effects of certain medications...i.e., Viagra (sorry guys no disrespect to those who take the shit a'ight?) that
it "may cause blindness?" WTF??????? oh yeah that's a winner right there....you have a hard dick but unfortunately you gotta use a Braille condom because you've gone fuckin blind!!!!!
oh yeah...you'll get a woody, but ya cant fuckin SEE it! damn, i had always heard that if a guy jacked off too much he'd go blind.....wtf?
have you ever just felt like slapping the shit outta somebody on general purpose?
fuck it....
have you ever had the 'fuck-its'? if so, holla back at me!
Quote from George Clinton of "Parliament/Funkadelic -- "three tears in a bucket, mutha
FUCK IT!!!!!!!"
i'm out. holla!
Friday, August 05, 2005
thoughts
i know it's been a while since my last post. it's been bill paying and rent paying time and i have been out in the hot sun running around trying to take care of my business. i finally figured out why i have felt numb...i think my pdoc increased my meds so that the pain of losing my dad wouldnt send me over the edge and back into the hospital again. it makes perfect sense now. still -- i have moments of feeling empty and lonely, but i have a good friend from the PHP program that i talk to regularly. she has bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. yet, we talk and try to be as supportive to each other as possible. she is a wonderful person, she's given me clothes and food when i was in need, and i try my best to show her my appreciation to her by doing little things when i can. she's like a sister to me, and if i can help her in some way in the ways she's helped me, i will do my very best to do so.
for those of you who dont have a mental illness, i wouldnt wish it on anyone. it can be very debilitating, and a lot of people simply wont take the time or the effort to learn about them. and it pisses me the hell off when some people say "well, everybody gets depressed. you gonna be alright" and other asinine remarks. i say until you have walked in my shoes, you cant tell me shit about how i feel, ok? that was the issue with my ex -- and now one of her daughters has to see a therapist and take anti-depressant medication because she had an extreme bout of post-partum depression where she hit her baby and now is under investigation by DCFS. oh well...what goes around comes around. she also told me that her son is involved with an obviously psychotic girl -- i mean, who goes and cuts a pair of Jordans in half and then nails it to the door with a fucking butcher's knife? the girl is obviously mentally unbalanced, and i hate to say it, but i have this gut feeling she's gonna go over the edge one day with all the bullshit that is going on with her children. oh, and her other daughter and baby have to be tested for Hepatitis C, because when the girl got a transfusion of some sorts, her doctor told her it was infected with the Hep C virus, and get this -- the people who provide blood, plasma and platelets -- i wont say their name but they know who they are -- had told her doctor not to tell her about it! is that fucked up or what? um, can you say lawsuit? i think the hell so! so like i said, it aint gonna be long before all of this takes its toll on her and she winds up in therapy. oh well. shit happens.
and mind you, i'm not jumping up and down with glee about what's going on with her children, but i see it as comeuppance time for the times she was not supportive of me. i am genuinely sorry all of that is going on with her children, but as i say, it's all gonna back up in her one day, and she's gonna need therapy just to keep her own self sane. but for now, all i can do is pray for her and her family. hell, right now i'm doing whatever it takes to keep ME sane.
anyways, that's it for now. feel free to post comments....they would be greatly appreciated.
for those of you who dont have a mental illness, i wouldnt wish it on anyone. it can be very debilitating, and a lot of people simply wont take the time or the effort to learn about them. and it pisses me the hell off when some people say "well, everybody gets depressed. you gonna be alright" and other asinine remarks. i say until you have walked in my shoes, you cant tell me shit about how i feel, ok? that was the issue with my ex -- and now one of her daughters has to see a therapist and take anti-depressant medication because she had an extreme bout of post-partum depression where she hit her baby and now is under investigation by DCFS. oh well...what goes around comes around. she also told me that her son is involved with an obviously psychotic girl -- i mean, who goes and cuts a pair of Jordans in half and then nails it to the door with a fucking butcher's knife? the girl is obviously mentally unbalanced, and i hate to say it, but i have this gut feeling she's gonna go over the edge one day with all the bullshit that is going on with her children. oh, and her other daughter and baby have to be tested for Hepatitis C, because when the girl got a transfusion of some sorts, her doctor told her it was infected with the Hep C virus, and get this -- the people who provide blood, plasma and platelets -- i wont say their name but they know who they are -- had told her doctor not to tell her about it! is that fucked up or what? um, can you say lawsuit? i think the hell so! so like i said, it aint gonna be long before all of this takes its toll on her and she winds up in therapy. oh well. shit happens.
and mind you, i'm not jumping up and down with glee about what's going on with her children, but i see it as comeuppance time for the times she was not supportive of me. i am genuinely sorry all of that is going on with her children, but as i say, it's all gonna back up in her one day, and she's gonna need therapy just to keep her own self sane. but for now, all i can do is pray for her and her family. hell, right now i'm doing whatever it takes to keep ME sane.
anyways, that's it for now. feel free to post comments....they would be greatly appreciated.
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