"in the land of funk"

what is it about depression that makes you not give a shit about your hygiene? that somehow being funky somehow feels more comfortable? unless i absolutely have to be someplace, like my therapist/p-doc appointments, only then will i summon up the energy to take a bath-usually the night before, because my appointments are kinda early - groom my hair, spritz on some of my favorite body spray, apply makeup (very little at that - mostly lipstick and pressed powder) and find a presentable outfit to wear. if i have a script that needs filling, or i'm low on cigs, after i'm done with my appointment(s), i'll ride the bus to Walgreens, sit and wait for the scripts to be filled, pick up the cigs, and whatever else is needed for the house, like bathroom tissue, soap, toothpaste, etc, and then take the bus on home. once i've done all of that, then it's back to Funkytown.

before i got sick, i was a woman who took pride in how i looked. being full-figured, i would go to stores like Lane Bryant, The Avenue, and Ashley Stewart to shop for cute clothes and jazzy accessories. that was my passion. finding ethnic-inspired jewelry, i.e., big silver hoop earrings, bracelets, pendants/necklaces - that was my thing. shoes?...aw man, i'd find some really cute shoes from Payless - some in genuine leather - and rack up. makeup? well i prefer the "natural" look, so it was pressed powder, eyebrow pencil and lipstick. occasionally, i might put a little eyeshadow in a goldtone or coppery tone on my eyelids and line my eyes with a charcoal pencil, but for the most part, it was the basic brow pencil/pressed powder/lipstick routine. i would also arch my own brows with a brow razor i got for $1 at the beauty store, and fill in the sparse areas with a black/brown pencil, and NO i did not have the Joan Crawford "Mommie Dearest" look either LOL

then comes the hair. being that i wear my hair close cut, i would take the clippers and cut my hair, line my forehead and neck and then wash and gel my hair where the sides and back are smooth and the top curly. when my roots started showing, i'd get my favorite shade of red and kick my color up a notch, wash and condition it, and then do the gel routine. all of the makeup, and hair would be done in less than 30 minutes.

now? ha. i figure since i dont go nowhere, and have become a self-imposed hermit, why bother? who am i gonna dress up for? NOBODY! even if i have to make a quick run to the store around the corner, i usually just throw on my coat and a pair of old shoes and get what i needed to get and go home. when it gets to the point that i cant stand my own funk, then yes, i will get in the tub and literally scrub myself raw, wash this sheep's ass on my head called hair, and in amazement, watch the dead skin and dirt and goop from hair go down the drain.

now some of y'all may say, that's just trifling and disgusting...how can you be in your house and be funky and not care? well, when one is depressed, it takes a tremendous amount of energy just to even get up to go take a piss, so when one is in an "emotional funk" well, personal hygiene and shit like that seems like a huge effort when one realizes teeth must be brushed, body must be cleansed and so on. bottom line: when the brain aint in an upswing, aint shit gon' be done, a'ight? and as strange as this sounds--i havent had a cold *knock wood* all this winter, because i've stayed my ass right here in the house, so i aint around people who are coughing, sneezin' and snottin' and have the misfortune to inhale their germs because germs like those are airborne and all it takes is for somebody to sneeze in my direction, and i'm done for.

so that is why i have limited my ventures to the outside world. i'm gonna stay in the "land of funk" until i get good and goddam ready to finally "devoid" myself of it. right now, I JUST DONT GIVE A SHIT, OK? it aint like i aint got soap, toothpaste or deodorant...i do. but why bother? i dont entertain company, and i dont care to be around a lotta people. and this has been an unseasonably warm January, but that dont mean the snow and deep freeze wont find its way here. trust me, IT WILL BE BACK.

i figure as long as i have this computer, my friends in Blogland, my TV, and some food to eat, i'm happy. my pdoc appointment is on the 24th, and that is when i will de-funktify myself. once the appoinment is over, and unless i have to do something else, like get a med script filled, or go by my bank, back to Funkytown i will go and i will stay until the next scheduled appointment, or until i cant stand myself any longer.

in the words of the hip-hop group Run-D-MC "it's like that and that's the way it is."