"yes, i'm the Great Pretender..." NOT!

after midnight last night my food stamps were finally on my Link card just like my caseworker told me they would. now my youngest and her boyfriend are up getting ready to go to the store. i'm gonna make a list of stuff for her to get, and then i'm laying my fat ass back in my bed. as y'all can see, i didnt go to the volunteer tea...i just wasnt feeling up to being around people pretending that i feel "wonderful" and everything is "sunshine and butterflies" and other "happy happy joy joy" bullshit. i can only pretend for so long and then i must retreat back into my cave, where i feel safe.

yesterday it was cold, raining/sleeting and for some reason, i like it better when it's gloomy out. when the sun is shining, i feel like Dracula and want to hide away in the darkest part of my place. weird aint it?

i know the Museum will be having activities for Black History Month next month. maybe i will volunteer for some of the events; maybe i wont. depends on my mood and my state of mind. i have a P-doc appointment on the 24th, and i am definitely keeping that. i doubt if he will have any more samples of Seroquel, so more than likely he's gonna try me out on a new anti-psychotic. i'm sure gonna miss Seroquel...it's been my life preserver for almost 3 years now. oh well. i guess all good things have to come to an end sometimes.

when it's time to make the switch, i will let him know PLEASE, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, put me on Geodon or Risperdal. i am allergic to Geodon, and on top of that, it makes me suicidal. Risperdal -- when it was given to me when i was in the hospital - i became totally zombie-like and i felt super-retarded and it seemed to also slow my heart rate, which made me feel like i was suffocating, and i got bad tremors from both of them. so NO Geodon and NO Risperdal.

whatever Dr M decides to put me on, i know i had better be near my bed when it kicks in. i certainly dont want to have a repeat performance of my hitting the floor like when i first started Seroquel. i know it's gonna take time for my body to adjust to the new med, so i expect to be woozy and extremely sleepy, and since i am practically a hermit, and my bed is only a few steps away, i wanna be already in it when it hits.

i will also tell Dr M about the "rage" moment i had a few days ago. thank god i'm not feeling like that now. i guess i'm back to my "nonchalant" or "flat" feeling now. *shrugs* oh well. works for me.