it's 5:15 pm here in Chi-Town. right now, i feel like stir-fried shit, and i didnt even drink nary a drop on NYE. instead, i ate Chinese food, watched the ball drop on TV in Times Square, and then went to bed.
i did accomplish something today. i bought a mop for $2 and some change and came home and finally mopped my kitchen floor. i have to say the floor looks a gazillion times better than it has been.
now, i sit here at this computer, not really knowing what the hell to write, just a jumble of nonsense from my uber-medicated brain. i guess i just find it amazing how fast the holidays went by. to me it was like a blur; one minute it's Christmas the next New Year's Day. and then back to the regularly scheduled programming.
i feel like nothing's gonna change, that it's gonna be the same old shit just a different year. i want the world to stop so i can get off, because i feel like a hamster in a cage, just mindlessly going round and round and round.
i talk all this "positive" talk to other people, and try to build them up when deep down inside i feel like i'm falling into the dark hole again. i think what is making me feel this way is because March 1 will be a year ago my father died, and it makes me sad. i havent cried yet; the tears just wont come now, but i do expect them to come. i cant believe it'll be a year already come March 1, that i went down to South Carolina to my beloved father's funeral.
somebody please stop the world....i wanna get off....
4 comments:
Good news: you're not a sociopath.
Positive talk that just isn't true never works because at your core, you're honest. However, reframing your negative thoughts can help. E.g. (this is one just about every bipolar gets unless s/he is on Topomax): "I'm fat."
Reframe: "I'm aware of this problem. I have to make a tradeoff here. Either I take my meds and get fat or I don't take my meds, become manic, and hurt myself or another. In the meantime, I am doing my best to eat right and exercise. Yes, there's room for improvement, but I am aware of that and I can improve on this area of my life when I have the energy to do so."
Where the positive lies might hold you down, reframing might motivate you without making you the slave of delusions.
Don't give up, mize!
MizE
1/2/05: My holiday break lasted forever. I’m glad to get back to a routine. But what I can’t believe is how fast Christmas was over. All that hype and gone in a matter of days.
As for feeling like a hamster, I can relate. I have felt that way. But I have to make changes. I have to. God help me that I can.
I’m sorry to hear about your father. : (
Male Dancin’ Queen: Girl, at least men look at you.
L&O SVU: Who’s your fave character? I dig Ice T’s character. And Elliott. I saw Elliott naked when OZ was on HBO. All I gotta say is FINE FINE FINE.
I'm so sorry you're down, Miz E. Anytime you need to talk I'm just a phone call away!!!
:* Princess
Post a Comment