growing old gracefully? sheeeeiiiiiittttttt! aint nuttin' graceful about this shit, ok? prime of my life? YEAH RIGHT. mind you, there ARE women who enter their 40s looking good, not nary an ache or pain in their body, and also, they have young studs (like say, hmmm, 19-25) to keep 'em happy. whoop de doo. i've done the "older woman, younger man" thang, and i will NEVER do it again.
i'm 47 years OLD and i feel every bit of it. last night, my right knee started aching something fierce, and when i woke up this mornin-OH LAWD old man "Arthur" done put a death grip on this knee and just to get up from my chair i had to use my cane. (btw, "Arthur" is a nickname for "arthritis")
i guess maybe some cold got in that knee when i went out yesterday - even tho i wear a long, heavy down coat, the winds were pretty high and kinda sharp. i've always had problems with my knees, and yeah being overweight dont help, yeah yeah yeah bla bla bla...however, i have run into a number of women WHO WERE NOT OVERWEIGHT complaining about knee pain. so back up off me, goddam it LOL. i've seen a lot of slender to medium build women hobbling around on canes, in scooter chairs and so on - so it aint just us fat broads ok?
NNNNNNN-eway...back to my knee. when i was working as a CNA (certified nurse assistant), i was always on my feet from the time my shift started at 3pm, sometimes non-stop until 11pm. by the time shift was over, EVERY bone, tendon, joint, ligament, muscle would be screaming in pain--especially my shoulders and knees. a lot of times i barely got a chance to take a piss, let alone sit down and eat lunch - shit, most of the time i had a sandwich in one pocket of my tunic or jacket and my needles, tubes, alcohol swipes, gloves stuffed in a plastic bag in the other pocket. sometimes i'd have a bag of sunflower seeds or chips in my pocket and would munch on them as i scurried about.
i have also fallen on BOTH knees several times...made a misstep while i was walking home and tripped and landed on the hard concrete on both knees; i slipped on some ice one time and landed on BOTH knees; and when i was working at University of Chicago Hospital, i lost my balance and landed on one knee on a hard tile floor that was damp. and yes, there was a sign up that said "caution wet floor" but apparently i didnt see it and since the bottom of my shoes were rubber soled, it didnt take much for me to slip, trip and fall on my left knee. so yeah, these knees have taken a beating over the years, and now that i'm middle-age, the pain is coming back to bite me in the, uh, knees.
well, lemme go and find my bottle of 800mg ibuprofen. at least it will take the pain down to a dull roar. i have NO plans on going anywhere with this pain, except maybe back to my bed. i went out yesterday and cold got in the knee, and then i had to climb 4 flights of concrete stairs in my building, which added insult to injury (literally speaking) and good God, that was painful.
in my future, i see myself with one of those "scooter chairs" cuz these old bones just cant hack it no more. and the next apartment i get, goddam it, it's either gonna be a ground level first floor, or have an elevator. and yeah, y'all can say all day long, "well, you need to lose some of that weight" yeah well, i did once, and still had knee problems, fuckyouverymuch, so it dont fuckin' matter if you are slender, medium build or overweight, KNEE PROBLEMS ARE KNEE PROBLEMS, OKAY??? IT DONT DISCRIMINATE, A'IGHT??? so dont gimme that shit about lose weight. yeah i'mma short, fat old broad who's set in her ways, so get over it and leave me the fuck alone. thankfully i carry my weight well and like "Voices In My Head"said (she has a great blog BTW) which i LOVE this: "i'm like a Rolls Royce -- built for comfort, not speed." Nuff said.
oh and by the way i finally "defunktified" myself too. yes i did. i took a "ho bath" (washing up in the sink, ok? dang, y'all aint never heard that term before?) so now i feel somewhat human. so y'all can put up the HazMat gear,
ok LOL
gotta go...this pain is driving me nuts.....
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
old man winter is back
well, those balmy temperatures of 55 and 60 degrees are gone today. it's just the way i like it outside...cold, dreary and gloomy. i actually feel better knowing it's like that outside; kinda gives me a comforting feeling. it was snowing earlier, and as much as i hate snow, this time i was excited about it. it didnt stick, but by this being Chicago, i know it will be back. we never escape January's bitter temperatures and/or snow. so those folks who were wearing their leather or denim jackets are gonna have to put em up--old man winter is back in full force.
luckily i have nowhere to go until the 27th (i thought it was the 24th *duh!*) to my pdoc appointment. this is good sleeping weather, and if it werent for the fact that i would be up all night, i would go and take a nap right now. oh, i almost forgot to mention i had Scootie Bug for a few minutes while his mommy had to make a run. he's toddling along in his walker now and he's crawling *smile*. he will be 1 year old next month on the 27th. he is such a lil cutie. when he smiles, my heart melts. i guess, i'm getting the "i wanna be a grandma" bug, and oddly enough, my oldest daughter is getting the "i wanna be a mommy" bug lol. and she knows if she had a baby he/she would be spoiled rotten. oh well, all good things in time.
*sigh* anyway, from what i saw on my desktop weather, it's gonna be in the low 30s to middle 40s, and drop down in the 20s later on in the evening.
yep. old man winter is gonna hang around for a while. i just hate when summer comes...yuck. i'd rather be wrapped up in my heavy coat in the cold than being outside melting in 90 plus degree weather.
oh well.
luckily i have nowhere to go until the 27th (i thought it was the 24th *duh!*) to my pdoc appointment. this is good sleeping weather, and if it werent for the fact that i would be up all night, i would go and take a nap right now. oh, i almost forgot to mention i had Scootie Bug for a few minutes while his mommy had to make a run. he's toddling along in his walker now and he's crawling *smile*. he will be 1 year old next month on the 27th. he is such a lil cutie. when he smiles, my heart melts. i guess, i'm getting the "i wanna be a grandma" bug, and oddly enough, my oldest daughter is getting the "i wanna be a mommy" bug lol. and she knows if she had a baby he/she would be spoiled rotten. oh well, all good things in time.
*sigh* anyway, from what i saw on my desktop weather, it's gonna be in the low 30s to middle 40s, and drop down in the 20s later on in the evening.
yep. old man winter is gonna hang around for a while. i just hate when summer comes...yuck. i'd rather be wrapped up in my heavy coat in the cold than being outside melting in 90 plus degree weather.
oh well.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. - Jan. 15, 1929-April 4, 1968
James, i hope you dont mind me borrowing this photo of the late Dr. Martin Luther King *smile*
Dr. King, along with the late Rosa Parks were the powerhouses behind the Civil Rights Movement. Dr. King's mission was that of peace and brotherhood between all races and religions. At the age of 39, his life was tragically snatched away while he resided at the Lorraine Motel in Memphis, Tennessee.
Stevie Wonder recorded a song dedicated to the celebration of Dr. King's birthday and his legacy, called "Happy Birthday To Ya". It was the determination of Stevie and a few other members of the Civil Rights Movement, including Dr. King's wife, Coretta Scott King, and his children and many other supporters that were instumental in making Dr. King's birthday a national holiday..
Though faced with strong opposition for this monumental move, and the strong conviction of Stevie and other supporters, Dr. King's birthday is celebrated and hailed as a national holiday. There are still opponents of this historic event, but nevertheless it has prevailed to keep Dr. King's dream of peace and brotherhood alive.
Happy Birthday, Dr. King. May your dream become a reality one day.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
"sunshine, blue skies, please go away..."
i'm not liking this spring-like weather we're currently having here in Chi-Town. i'm used to dark, gloomy, snowy and colder'n penguin shit outside. this sunny shit is wiggin' me out. altho for those of y'all who suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), for y'all the sun is a godsend. for mizeeyore, it's torture.
when it's dark and rainy and no sun is shining, somehow that feels comforting to me. being a nocturnal person, i usually get excited when it starts getting dark outside. the darkness feels like a security blanket and the majority of the time, i keep my lights off in the house, because i love the dark. sometimes if i have to go to Walgreens or something, i will wait until it's dark and then make my nocturnal journey. that was one of the reasons i used to work the night shift a lot. for the most part, it was quiet, most of the patients were sleeping and if i was working with a cool nurse i could trust, i could go and sneak a catnap for a couple of hours, or me and a co-worker would go out on frequent smoke breaks and put up our feet and talk.
there have been times i've stayed up way past my night med "window", which is about 11:30-11:45, and stayed up all night playing computer games. shortly after i take my night meds, i start feeling sleepy, but if i'm in deep concentration on a particular web game, i will sit here til the wee hours of the morning still playing the game, or if a movie on TV holds my interest, i will lay in my bed and watch it all the way thru, and just as i see the skies start fading from black to dawn, then i will go to bed. i swear i must have been Blacula's daughter in another life LOL
god, i wish this damn sun would hurry up and go down....bleh.
when it's dark and rainy and no sun is shining, somehow that feels comforting to me. being a nocturnal person, i usually get excited when it starts getting dark outside. the darkness feels like a security blanket and the majority of the time, i keep my lights off in the house, because i love the dark. sometimes if i have to go to Walgreens or something, i will wait until it's dark and then make my nocturnal journey. that was one of the reasons i used to work the night shift a lot. for the most part, it was quiet, most of the patients were sleeping and if i was working with a cool nurse i could trust, i could go and sneak a catnap for a couple of hours, or me and a co-worker would go out on frequent smoke breaks and put up our feet and talk.
there have been times i've stayed up way past my night med "window", which is about 11:30-11:45, and stayed up all night playing computer games. shortly after i take my night meds, i start feeling sleepy, but if i'm in deep concentration on a particular web game, i will sit here til the wee hours of the morning still playing the game, or if a movie on TV holds my interest, i will lay in my bed and watch it all the way thru, and just as i see the skies start fading from black to dawn, then i will go to bed. i swear i must have been Blacula's daughter in another life LOL
god, i wish this damn sun would hurry up and go down....bleh.
"in the land of funk"
what is it about depression that makes you not give a shit about your hygiene? that somehow being funky somehow feels more comfortable? unless i absolutely have to be someplace, like my therapist/p-doc appointments, only then will i summon up the energy to take a bath-usually the night before, because my appointments are kinda early - groom my hair, spritz on some of my favorite body spray, apply makeup (very little at that - mostly lipstick and pressed powder) and find a presentable outfit to wear. if i have a script that needs filling, or i'm low on cigs, after i'm done with my appointment(s), i'll ride the bus to Walgreens, sit and wait for the scripts to be filled, pick up the cigs, and whatever else is needed for the house, like bathroom tissue, soap, toothpaste, etc, and then take the bus on home. once i've done all of that, then it's back to Funkytown.
before i got sick, i was a woman who took pride in how i looked. being full-figured, i would go to stores like Lane Bryant, The Avenue, and Ashley Stewart to shop for cute clothes and jazzy accessories. that was my passion. finding ethnic-inspired jewelry, i.e., big silver hoop earrings, bracelets, pendants/necklaces - that was my thing. shoes?...aw man, i'd find some really cute shoes from Payless - some in genuine leather - and rack up. makeup? well i prefer the "natural" look, so it was pressed powder, eyebrow pencil and lipstick. occasionally, i might put a little eyeshadow in a goldtone or coppery tone on my eyelids and line my eyes with a charcoal pencil, but for the most part, it was the basic brow pencil/pressed powder/lipstick routine. i would also arch my own brows with a brow razor i got for $1 at the beauty store, and fill in the sparse areas with a black/brown pencil, and NO i did not have the Joan Crawford "Mommie Dearest" look either LOL
then comes the hair. being that i wear my hair close cut, i would take the clippers and cut my hair, line my forehead and neck and then wash and gel my hair where the sides and back are smooth and the top curly. when my roots started showing, i'd get my favorite shade of red and kick my color up a notch, wash and condition it, and then do the gel routine. all of the makeup, and hair would be done in less than 30 minutes.
now? ha. i figure since i dont go nowhere, and have become a self-imposed hermit, why bother? who am i gonna dress up for? NOBODY! even if i have to make a quick run to the store around the corner, i usually just throw on my coat and a pair of old shoes and get what i needed to get and go home. when it gets to the point that i cant stand my own funk, then yes, i will get in the tub and literally scrub myself raw, wash this sheep's ass on my head called hair, and in amazement, watch the dead skin and dirt and goop from hair go down the drain.
now some of y'all may say, that's just trifling and disgusting...how can you be in your house and be funky and not care? well, when one is depressed, it takes a tremendous amount of energy just to even get up to go take a piss, so when one is in an "emotional funk" well, personal hygiene and shit like that seems like a huge effort when one realizes teeth must be brushed, body must be cleansed and so on. bottom line: when the brain aint in an upswing, aint shit gon' be done, a'ight? and as strange as this sounds--i havent had a cold *knock wood* all this winter, because i've stayed my ass right here in the house, so i aint around people who are coughing, sneezin' and snottin' and have the misfortune to inhale their germs because germs like those are airborne and all it takes is for somebody to sneeze in my direction, and i'm done for.
so that is why i have limited my ventures to the outside world. i'm gonna stay in the "land of funk" until i get good and goddam ready to finally "devoid" myself of it. right now, I JUST DONT GIVE A SHIT, OK? it aint like i aint got soap, toothpaste or deodorant...i do. but why bother? i dont entertain company, and i dont care to be around a lotta people. and this has been an unseasonably warm January, but that dont mean the snow and deep freeze wont find its way here. trust me, IT WILL BE BACK.
i figure as long as i have this computer, my friends in Blogland, my TV, and some food to eat, i'm happy. my pdoc appointment is on the 24th, and that is when i will de-funktify myself. once the appoinment is over, and unless i have to do something else, like get a med script filled, or go by my bank, back to Funkytown i will go and i will stay until the next scheduled appointment, or until i cant stand myself any longer.
in the words of the hip-hop group Run-D-MC "it's like that and that's the way it is."
before i got sick, i was a woman who took pride in how i looked. being full-figured, i would go to stores like Lane Bryant, The Avenue, and Ashley Stewart to shop for cute clothes and jazzy accessories. that was my passion. finding ethnic-inspired jewelry, i.e., big silver hoop earrings, bracelets, pendants/necklaces - that was my thing. shoes?...aw man, i'd find some really cute shoes from Payless - some in genuine leather - and rack up. makeup? well i prefer the "natural" look, so it was pressed powder, eyebrow pencil and lipstick. occasionally, i might put a little eyeshadow in a goldtone or coppery tone on my eyelids and line my eyes with a charcoal pencil, but for the most part, it was the basic brow pencil/pressed powder/lipstick routine. i would also arch my own brows with a brow razor i got for $1 at the beauty store, and fill in the sparse areas with a black/brown pencil, and NO i did not have the Joan Crawford "Mommie Dearest" look either LOL
then comes the hair. being that i wear my hair close cut, i would take the clippers and cut my hair, line my forehead and neck and then wash and gel my hair where the sides and back are smooth and the top curly. when my roots started showing, i'd get my favorite shade of red and kick my color up a notch, wash and condition it, and then do the gel routine. all of the makeup, and hair would be done in less than 30 minutes.
now? ha. i figure since i dont go nowhere, and have become a self-imposed hermit, why bother? who am i gonna dress up for? NOBODY! even if i have to make a quick run to the store around the corner, i usually just throw on my coat and a pair of old shoes and get what i needed to get and go home. when it gets to the point that i cant stand my own funk, then yes, i will get in the tub and literally scrub myself raw, wash this sheep's ass on my head called hair, and in amazement, watch the dead skin and dirt and goop from hair go down the drain.
now some of y'all may say, that's just trifling and disgusting...how can you be in your house and be funky and not care? well, when one is depressed, it takes a tremendous amount of energy just to even get up to go take a piss, so when one is in an "emotional funk" well, personal hygiene and shit like that seems like a huge effort when one realizes teeth must be brushed, body must be cleansed and so on. bottom line: when the brain aint in an upswing, aint shit gon' be done, a'ight? and as strange as this sounds--i havent had a cold *knock wood* all this winter, because i've stayed my ass right here in the house, so i aint around people who are coughing, sneezin' and snottin' and have the misfortune to inhale their germs because germs like those are airborne and all it takes is for somebody to sneeze in my direction, and i'm done for.
so that is why i have limited my ventures to the outside world. i'm gonna stay in the "land of funk" until i get good and goddam ready to finally "devoid" myself of it. right now, I JUST DONT GIVE A SHIT, OK? it aint like i aint got soap, toothpaste or deodorant...i do. but why bother? i dont entertain company, and i dont care to be around a lotta people. and this has been an unseasonably warm January, but that dont mean the snow and deep freeze wont find its way here. trust me, IT WILL BE BACK.
i figure as long as i have this computer, my friends in Blogland, my TV, and some food to eat, i'm happy. my pdoc appointment is on the 24th, and that is when i will de-funktify myself. once the appoinment is over, and unless i have to do something else, like get a med script filled, or go by my bank, back to Funkytown i will go and i will stay until the next scheduled appointment, or until i cant stand myself any longer.
in the words of the hip-hop group Run-D-MC "it's like that and that's the way it is."
Saturday, January 14, 2006
"yes, i'm the Great Pretender..." NOT!
after midnight last night my food stamps were finally on my Link card just like my caseworker told me they would. now my youngest and her boyfriend are up getting ready to go to the store. i'm gonna make a list of stuff for her to get, and then i'm laying my fat ass back in my bed. as y'all can see, i didnt go to the volunteer tea...i just wasnt feeling up to being around people pretending that i feel "wonderful" and everything is "sunshine and butterflies" and other "happy happy joy joy" bullshit. i can only pretend for so long and then i must retreat back into my cave, where i feel safe.
yesterday it was cold, raining/sleeting and for some reason, i like it better when it's gloomy out. when the sun is shining, i feel like Dracula and want to hide away in the darkest part of my place. weird aint it?
i know the Museum will be having activities for Black History Month next month. maybe i will volunteer for some of the events; maybe i wont. depends on my mood and my state of mind. i have a P-doc appointment on the 24th, and i am definitely keeping that. i doubt if he will have any more samples of Seroquel, so more than likely he's gonna try me out on a new anti-psychotic. i'm sure gonna miss Seroquel...it's been my life preserver for almost 3 years now. oh well. i guess all good things have to come to an end sometimes.
when it's time to make the switch, i will let him know PLEASE, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, put me on Geodon or Risperdal. i am allergic to Geodon, and on top of that, it makes me suicidal. Risperdal -- when it was given to me when i was in the hospital - i became totally zombie-like and i felt super-retarded and it seemed to also slow my heart rate, which made me feel like i was suffocating, and i got bad tremors from both of them. so NO Geodon and NO Risperdal.
whatever Dr M decides to put me on, i know i had better be near my bed when it kicks in. i certainly dont want to have a repeat performance of my hitting the floor like when i first started Seroquel. i know it's gonna take time for my body to adjust to the new med, so i expect to be woozy and extremely sleepy, and since i am practically a hermit, and my bed is only a few steps away, i wanna be already in it when it hits.
i will also tell Dr M about the "rage" moment i had a few days ago. thank god i'm not feeling like that now. i guess i'm back to my "nonchalant" or "flat" feeling now. *shrugs* oh well. works for me.
yesterday it was cold, raining/sleeting and for some reason, i like it better when it's gloomy out. when the sun is shining, i feel like Dracula and want to hide away in the darkest part of my place. weird aint it?
i know the Museum will be having activities for Black History Month next month. maybe i will volunteer for some of the events; maybe i wont. depends on my mood and my state of mind. i have a P-doc appointment on the 24th, and i am definitely keeping that. i doubt if he will have any more samples of Seroquel, so more than likely he's gonna try me out on a new anti-psychotic. i'm sure gonna miss Seroquel...it's been my life preserver for almost 3 years now. oh well. i guess all good things have to come to an end sometimes.
when it's time to make the switch, i will let him know PLEASE, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, put me on Geodon or Risperdal. i am allergic to Geodon, and on top of that, it makes me suicidal. Risperdal -- when it was given to me when i was in the hospital - i became totally zombie-like and i felt super-retarded and it seemed to also slow my heart rate, which made me feel like i was suffocating, and i got bad tremors from both of them. so NO Geodon and NO Risperdal.
whatever Dr M decides to put me on, i know i had better be near my bed when it kicks in. i certainly dont want to have a repeat performance of my hitting the floor like when i first started Seroquel. i know it's gonna take time for my body to adjust to the new med, so i expect to be woozy and extremely sleepy, and since i am practically a hermit, and my bed is only a few steps away, i wanna be already in it when it hits.
i will also tell Dr M about the "rage" moment i had a few days ago. thank god i'm not feeling like that now. i guess i'm back to my "nonchalant" or "flat" feeling now. *shrugs* oh well. works for me.
Friday, January 13, 2006
comedy has gone to the dogs ROFL
my oldest daughter called me this morning with a story that had me laughing my ass off til tears were running down my face. she was telling me about the adventures of her dogs Battle and Scrappy. both of them are pit bulls (my mistake i thought they both were Rottweilers) and both of them are goofy as hell.
she told me that Scrappy ATE HER DEODORANT, ate her boyfriend's WORK SHOE, ate a box of Q-TIPS, some FABRIC SOFTENER SHEETS, and the piece de la resistance? ATE THE DOWNY FABRIC SOFTENER BALL- WITH A SMALL AMOUNT OF DOWNY IN THE BALL!!!!! oh and i almost forgot about this too - Scrappy ate HER SARAN-WRAPPED SANDWICH, INCLUDING THE SARAN-WRAP!!!! she said Saran Wrap was all over the place LMAO
i nearly died laughing. OMFG. when she told me about the deodorant, that did it -- and it was Secret Powder Fresh scent. well, at least when the dog farts, it'll be powder fresh, and the fur on his ass will be soft, fluffy and static-free ROFL! usually when the dogs fart, both my daughter and her boyfriend HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE because the noxious odors of the dog's farts are enough to knock out a WWF wrestler -phew!
and it's not like they dont feed the dogs -- they do. they get the best of dog food - Iams. Battle has destroyed any number of TV remotes, HIS FOOD AND WATER BOWLS, a pair of my daughter's K-Swiss GYM SHOES - STRINGS AND ALL, her boyfriend's wallet, and also 3 PAIRS of his gym shoes too. Scrappy is the new addition to their family, and unlike Battle, who usually doesnt like to eat his food (guess remotes and wallets have a better taste LOL), Scrappy is a greedy lil bugger and will eat his food, Battle's food, and just about anything...as y'all can see LOL. she had me in stitches describing how the dog has nearly eaten everything in their house -- INCLUDING TOILET PAPER ROFLMAO! oh did i mention that Battle drinks the LAUNDRY WATER FROM THE WASHING MACHINE!
so i suppose if my daughter were still in grammar or high school, the excuse "my dog ate my homework" would be the God-honest truth LMAO
altho knowing Battle's and Scrappy's history of devouring damn near everything in their house, not only would the homework get eaten, but the bookbag, pencils and other stuff would get eaten too LOL
that's why i am a cat person lol
she told me that Scrappy ATE HER DEODORANT, ate her boyfriend's WORK SHOE, ate a box of Q-TIPS, some FABRIC SOFTENER SHEETS, and the piece de la resistance? ATE THE DOWNY FABRIC SOFTENER BALL- WITH A SMALL AMOUNT OF DOWNY IN THE BALL!!!!! oh and i almost forgot about this too - Scrappy ate HER SARAN-WRAPPED SANDWICH, INCLUDING THE SARAN-WRAP!!!! she said Saran Wrap was all over the place LMAO
i nearly died laughing. OMFG. when she told me about the deodorant, that did it -- and it was Secret Powder Fresh scent. well, at least when the dog farts, it'll be powder fresh, and the fur on his ass will be soft, fluffy and static-free ROFL! usually when the dogs fart, both my daughter and her boyfriend HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE because the noxious odors of the dog's farts are enough to knock out a WWF wrestler -phew!
and it's not like they dont feed the dogs -- they do. they get the best of dog food - Iams. Battle has destroyed any number of TV remotes, HIS FOOD AND WATER BOWLS, a pair of my daughter's K-Swiss GYM SHOES - STRINGS AND ALL, her boyfriend's wallet, and also 3 PAIRS of his gym shoes too. Scrappy is the new addition to their family, and unlike Battle, who usually doesnt like to eat his food (guess remotes and wallets have a better taste LOL), Scrappy is a greedy lil bugger and will eat his food, Battle's food, and just about anything...as y'all can see LOL. she had me in stitches describing how the dog has nearly eaten everything in their house -- INCLUDING TOILET PAPER ROFLMAO! oh did i mention that Battle drinks the LAUNDRY WATER FROM THE WASHING MACHINE!
so i suppose if my daughter were still in grammar or high school, the excuse "my dog ate my homework" would be the God-honest truth LMAO
altho knowing Battle's and Scrappy's history of devouring damn near everything in their house, not only would the homework get eaten, but the bookbag, pencils and other stuff would get eaten too LOL
that's why i am a cat person lol
Thursday, January 12, 2006
in the words of Ice Cube - "it was a good day"
what's happenin' y'all. as previously mentioned, i am in a MUCH more calmer state than i was yesterday. the annoying constant drip of my bathtub's hot water faucet was finally silenced -- if i had to hear that constant ongoing drip i would have shaved my head bald - but now it is blissfully silent in the bathroom now. i think, no i KNOW that was part of my outta control anger - it was beginning to feel like Chinese water torture and i was losing my goddam mind! thankfully the little Hispanic maintenance guy came here early - even tho i was drunk with sleep - and took care of that problem. shit, it took 'em long enough. one more day and i probably would have seriously considered gouging MY OWN eyeballs out with a hot poker.
in other news, the weather outside was extremely pleasant - the temp was saying something like 65 degrees, but i didnt take any chances. i still wore my heavy down coat and put my hat and gloves in my purse just in case the temperature took a sudden nosedive. i made it to the aid office, and i didnt have to get ugly with anyone. i sat and calmly waited to see my caseworker. after a while one of the managers came down to ask who was there to see their worker, and i believe it was about 6 of us. she took us all upstairs to a waiting area and then one by one she asked us who our respective worker's name was. i still remained reticent and calm, and started saying both the "Serenity Prayer" and the Buddhist chant "nam myoho renge kyo"(sp?)over and over to keep me calm. and i sat there quietly and peacefully.
after a few moments, i saw my worker coming back from lunch. i smiled at her and told her i was there to see her, and she said she would come back for me and this other young lady and her little boy, and she did. we followed her to her cube, and she took care of the young mama and was very pleasant and nice. after the young mama and her little one left, it was my turn. she patiently processed all the information i had supplied on the renewal form, and we chit-chatted while she took care of business. i'm going to send her a card for being so nice and courteous, because some of the workers can be downright shitty. anyway, she got me back in the system and told me that probably this coming Saturday i should be getting my foodstamps on my Link card WOO HOO! she was kind enough to walk me to the elevator and we exchanged pleasantries and since it was such a nice day out, i took my time and walked home, feeling a hell of a lot better than yesterday. that was another thing that had me agitated and ready to monkey-stomp somebody.
sooooo.... in the words of Ice Cube - "i have to say it was a good day."
in other news, the weather outside was extremely pleasant - the temp was saying something like 65 degrees, but i didnt take any chances. i still wore my heavy down coat and put my hat and gloves in my purse just in case the temperature took a sudden nosedive. i made it to the aid office, and i didnt have to get ugly with anyone. i sat and calmly waited to see my caseworker. after a while one of the managers came down to ask who was there to see their worker, and i believe it was about 6 of us. she took us all upstairs to a waiting area and then one by one she asked us who our respective worker's name was. i still remained reticent and calm, and started saying both the "Serenity Prayer" and the Buddhist chant "nam myoho renge kyo"(sp?)over and over to keep me calm. and i sat there quietly and peacefully.
after a few moments, i saw my worker coming back from lunch. i smiled at her and told her i was there to see her, and she said she would come back for me and this other young lady and her little boy, and she did. we followed her to her cube, and she took care of the young mama and was very pleasant and nice. after the young mama and her little one left, it was my turn. she patiently processed all the information i had supplied on the renewal form, and we chit-chatted while she took care of business. i'm going to send her a card for being so nice and courteous, because some of the workers can be downright shitty. anyway, she got me back in the system and told me that probably this coming Saturday i should be getting my foodstamps on my Link card WOO HOO! she was kind enough to walk me to the elevator and we exchanged pleasantries and since it was such a nice day out, i took my time and walked home, feeling a hell of a lot better than yesterday. that was another thing that had me agitated and ready to monkey-stomp somebody.
sooooo.... in the words of Ice Cube - "i have to say it was a good day."
so much for being a "landlady"
before i go on, i wanna apologize for the bitchfest of 2006 yesterday and i also want to thank everyone who posted comments when i was in a very high state of pissivity at the world. that's usually not like me, but i had so much shit on my mind well, i had to do something. so thank you all (you know who you are *smile*) for your comments and support.
so much for being a blog landlady. i havent acquired enough credits for anyone to bid on. so down goes the "Rent My Blog" sign...for now.
anyways, i'm a lot calmer now -- not to the point of "happy happy joy joy" but at least rational and subdued.
thank you all for your support. i'm going back to bed now...no, wait i have to go to the aid office. not to worry dear readers, i am in a peaceful place and i promise i wont go ballistic *smile*.
so much for being a blog landlady. i havent acquired enough credits for anyone to bid on. so down goes the "Rent My Blog" sign...for now.
anyways, i'm a lot calmer now -- not to the point of "happy happy joy joy" but at least rational and subdued.
thank you all for your support. i'm going back to bed now...no, wait i have to go to the aid office. not to worry dear readers, i am in a peaceful place and i promise i wont go ballistic *smile*.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
BitchFest 2006 - yeah you read it right
when i first decided to blog, i really didnt know what to say...so i talked about my journey thru mental illness and stuff like that. perhaps i should have stayed the course and just kept talking about it and not talk about other things, because i guess to some readers i sound too "normal," like there really isnt anything wrong with me, and perhaps i just blog to keep people entertained. WRONG.i blog about my illness, the way i feel from day to day, and also about the good things that happen, even if for only a moment. i write from my heart and my soul. but perhaps i should just go back to writing about my illnesses and so on, then maybe this missive would be more interesting. i had even thought about just deleting the damn thing completely because perhaps i wasnt coming across as "crazy" enough or have enough "drama" to make this thing readable and before i go on let me preface this with another disclaimer: TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DO CARE TO READ MY BLOG, I THANK YOU AND THIS POST IS NOT DIRECTED AT YOU.
perhaps i shouldnt have posted about Kwanzaa, even though i made a disclaimer that it wasnt a religious holiday, nor was i trying to "shove it down anyone's throat". perhaps i'm a hypocrite because i passed judgement on a person who judged me, and maybe that person is right. now i'm back to wanting to shut this muthafucka down because i guess i'm not "sticking to the subject". perhaps i'm just a lame-ass who should keep my blog "dark" and "gloomy" so that it will be palatable to those who happen by this blog. i can do dark and gloomy.
perhaps i'm just in a really shitty, pissy and fucked-up mood right now and i need to vent, bitch, piss and moan and have some cheese with my whine, to show y'all a side of me that aint pretty, loving, witty, fun, sweet and all that other lame nonsense. perhaps i'm just a bitter, mean, fat-assed, premenopausal, worn-out old cow-bitch who is having a pissy moment and want to share it with the rest of y'all. i hope you are enjoyin' the show. next mood swing in...RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
perhaps i wanna go down to the fuckin aid office and go totally ballistic because they have been fucking me around with my goddam food stamps which is making me spend money i really dont fucking have right now because of their screw-up. perhaps if i go in there yelling at the top of my lungs, the rent-a-cop will summon Chicago's-Not-So-Finest to whisk me away to the nearest nut ward because i completely lost it on a bitch who looked at me the fuckin wrong way and i hauled off and started monkey stompin' her ugly ass and then commenced to whuppin her ass like a runaway slave with my cane. perhaps then maybe things would get fucking done.
perhaps i wanna hurl shit around my house upside the fuckin' wall and scream at the top of my lungs because this shit that is weighin' heavy on me is fuckin with my understanding and if i were to go amongst people today it would be VERY DANGEROUS TERRITORY - when provoked i might kill you, or attempt to do so. psychotic? maybe. evil? HELL YEAH. mean? DEFINITELY. moody? um, DUH! mad enuf to wanna poke somebody's eyes out with a hot poker? DONT FUCKIN' TEMPT ME GODDAM IT! see, i guess this is the shit that draws readers...this psychotic, "dark" shit. i mean hell nobody wants to always read about happy happy joy joy all the goddam time right? oh nooooooooo. no no no no no. so i think i may just change the name of this muthafucka to "BitchFest 2006". catchy title? no? oh well fuck it then.
perhaps i wanna just wanna give somebody the "Ike-Turner-Slap-A-Bitch-And-Put-Some-Stank-On-It" treatment on somebody's face for no particular reason or maybe because people generally annoy me and some form of violent behavior is called for. and VIOLENT is
how i feel right now. blame it on being fucking pre-menopausal, on hormones, or whatdafuckever, i give less than a happy damn. i know y'all thinking, "damn has she taken her meds today?" YES I HAVE TAKEN MY FUCKING MEDS, a'ight? am i hearing voices right now? yeah. they are telling me to write out all this shit because i cant go out and just randomly shoot somebody -- altho i could play my "i-forgot-to-take-my-meds" card and get off on an insanity plea. so perhaps it's a good thing there are no firearms in my house, otherwise, there would be casualties in the streets today. should i call my pdoc and tell him that i'm thinking about going on a rampage and strangling people at will? no, because then he will say "you need to go to the ER right away." so i aint sayin shit til i see him for my appointment. perhaps by then the RAGE will have subsided and i'm back in that so-called "happy place." YEAH RIGHT.and now i end this missive with a big ole "FUCK YOU" to the world because that's how i feel right now and i dont give a flying fuck who knows it.
and wouldntcha know, Michael Jackson's "DANGEROUS" was just playing on my Windows Media Player.......
a word of warning: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE LOONY...MAY BITE IF PROVOKED.....
Monday, January 09, 2006
under re-construction
as y'all can see, i've been tweaking the look of this blog so that it doesnt seem so "dark." thanks Marie for the compliments on the colors! i wanted to get my sidebar the same color as the body of the blog, but i guess the white looks okay...i'm new at this so bear with me if it comes out looking lame LOL
i'm also tweaking my other blog "La Femme Erotique' " as well. i would like to use a script font for the header like Jane has on her blog. the rest looks pretty good if i must say myself. i kept the black background because since it is a blog of erotica, i figured it would be kinda, well, sexy.
what do y'all think?
i'm also tweaking my other blog "La Femme Erotique' " as well. i would like to use a script font for the header like Jane has on her blog. the rest looks pretty good if i must say myself. i kept the black background because since it is a blog of erotica, i figured it would be kinda, well, sexy.
what do y'all think?
Sunday, January 08, 2006
to tea or not to tea...that is the question
i'm still tired from all the activities from last week. i could sleep all day, but then i would be up all night, so that's not an option. for the most part of the day, i've been blog surfing, posting comments, and tweaking this blog and my other one of erotic stories/poems. i'm not particularly depressed, nor am i jumping up and down and turning cartwheels -- shit, my big ass can barely climb stairs, so cartwheels are completely out of the question.
i dont know what i feel...it's hard to put into words. bored? maybe. tired? definitely. i have used all of my reserved energy last week, so maybe i'm feeling tired because i was on the go nonstop....? i'm not overwhelmed, not suicidal (thank god!), not pissed off at anything/anyone, not "zoning out", so what the hell AM i feeling? i wish i knew. numb maybe? flat? devoid of emotion? worried? no....agitated? no... i have absolutely no clue at all.
i got this invitation to "tea" in the mail from the DuSable Museum set for Saturday, January 14 at 2pm and it's for the museum volunteers. i havent volunteered at the museum since July of last year, mainly because i didnt want to be around a lot of people. yet, back in the second week of July 2005, i was a volunteer at the museum's Arts & Crafts fair, and i had a great time - even bought some silver jewelry, and then in late July, they had this awards show where i was a greeter and i did fine. so why am i waffling about this?
i think i know why; when i used to talk to Ms. Homophobe, she put a huge damper on the enthusiasm i had about the museum, because she didnt like the volunteer manager and was bitching that the museum didnt offer free lunch to their volunteers like the way Mercy Hospital did, and she was pissed at the fact that the volunteers had to have a membership at the museum. i think that literally caused me to not want to go back anymore. i stopped volunteering at Mercy because it was a "trigger" place for me and i knew too many people from when i was a full employee.
now that she and i are no longer friends, my gut is saying to go to the tea and maybe get back into volunteering at the museum again. being that i love Afrocentric culture and art, it was a good fit for me, until i listened to that unstable bitch with her rollercoaster emotions and constant nit-picking that killed my desire to continue volunteering there.
well i am going to RSVP to this invitation and go. thank god i dont have to be bothered no more with her homophobic, unstable ass. i'm going to make myself get back into an area that felt good to my creative spirit. i'm gonna try to "deprogram" that negative shit that bitch installed in my mind and go back to where my spirit and my soul felt at home.
as far as that bitch...her homophobic, hypocritical, judgemental ass can burn for eternity in hell.
i dont know what i feel...it's hard to put into words. bored? maybe. tired? definitely. i have used all of my reserved energy last week, so maybe i'm feeling tired because i was on the go nonstop....? i'm not overwhelmed, not suicidal (thank god!), not pissed off at anything/anyone, not "zoning out", so what the hell AM i feeling? i wish i knew. numb maybe? flat? devoid of emotion? worried? no....agitated? no... i have absolutely no clue at all.
i got this invitation to "tea" in the mail from the DuSable Museum set for Saturday, January 14 at 2pm and it's for the museum volunteers. i havent volunteered at the museum since July of last year, mainly because i didnt want to be around a lot of people. yet, back in the second week of July 2005, i was a volunteer at the museum's Arts & Crafts fair, and i had a great time - even bought some silver jewelry, and then in late July, they had this awards show where i was a greeter and i did fine. so why am i waffling about this?
i think i know why; when i used to talk to Ms. Homophobe, she put a huge damper on the enthusiasm i had about the museum, because she didnt like the volunteer manager and was bitching that the museum didnt offer free lunch to their volunteers like the way Mercy Hospital did, and she was pissed at the fact that the volunteers had to have a membership at the museum. i think that literally caused me to not want to go back anymore. i stopped volunteering at Mercy because it was a "trigger" place for me and i knew too many people from when i was a full employee.
now that she and i are no longer friends, my gut is saying to go to the tea and maybe get back into volunteering at the museum again. being that i love Afrocentric culture and art, it was a good fit for me, until i listened to that unstable bitch with her rollercoaster emotions and constant nit-picking that killed my desire to continue volunteering there.
well i am going to RSVP to this invitation and go. thank god i dont have to be bothered no more with her homophobic, unstable ass. i'm going to make myself get back into an area that felt good to my creative spirit. i'm gonna try to "deprogram" that negative shit that bitch installed in my mind and go back to where my spirit and my soul felt at home.
as far as that bitch...her homophobic, hypocritical, judgemental ass can burn for eternity in hell.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Walgreens pharmacy SUCKS!!!
usually i dont have problems when i go to Walgreen's to get my meds, because for the most part i go online to their site and refill them from there. but today was one of the worst days ever to go and pick up/drop off my med scripts.
first of all the line for both the drop off and pick up counters was literally six to seven deep with pissed off customers. since this change in Medicare, a lot of the customers were finding out in the worst way possible that some of their meds were no longer covered, or they had to pay a hefty co-pay for those that were. my heart went out to those folks, especially some of the senior citizens. a lot of them were confused about the changes and some of the pharmacists were giving major attitude to those poor old folks.
when it became my turn to drop off my script for Klonopin, the pharmacist yanked it out of my hand and snapped, "name and address?" feeling my hackles rising, i snapped back with my name and address and said i would wait for my prescription. this muthafucka told me, "no. you will either pick it up later tonight or tomorrow." i was mad as hell by then and i said i wanted to speak to his supervisor. the supervisor came and talked to me like somebody with some sense and apologized for the rude behavior of one of the pharmacists, and about the long wait. that made me feel a little better. then i walked around the corner to the pickup window and stood there for like, 5 or 6 minutes. i know that bitch saw me standing there, and i was taking deep calming breaths to keep a lid on my temper. finally she says "have you been helped?" to which i replied testily, "um, nooooooooooo, that's why i'm standing HERE." she flippantly said, "ok and what's the name?" i gave her my name and address, and she found the meds. she rang me up and i THOUGHT i was gonna get my meds and go, but nooooooooooooooooo....she walked AWAY with my meds to go help somebody else! WITH MY MEDS IN HER HAND!
i had to wait 15 minutes before she FINALLY came back with my meds - both of them and rang me out. i was too thru. and the lines kept getting longer and longer, and the pharmacists were working at a snail's pace. if i had to have gone back to pick up my Klonopin, i'm willin to bet dollars to donuts those same people would STILL be there.
this is one of the many reasons that i dont like to be among people. i may forget who i am one day and bitch slap somebody with my cane.
Walgreen's pharmacy sucks!!!!
first of all the line for both the drop off and pick up counters was literally six to seven deep with pissed off customers. since this change in Medicare, a lot of the customers were finding out in the worst way possible that some of their meds were no longer covered, or they had to pay a hefty co-pay for those that were. my heart went out to those folks, especially some of the senior citizens. a lot of them were confused about the changes and some of the pharmacists were giving major attitude to those poor old folks.
when it became my turn to drop off my script for Klonopin, the pharmacist yanked it out of my hand and snapped, "name and address?" feeling my hackles rising, i snapped back with my name and address and said i would wait for my prescription. this muthafucka told me, "no. you will either pick it up later tonight or tomorrow." i was mad as hell by then and i said i wanted to speak to his supervisor. the supervisor came and talked to me like somebody with some sense and apologized for the rude behavior of one of the pharmacists, and about the long wait. that made me feel a little better. then i walked around the corner to the pickup window and stood there for like, 5 or 6 minutes. i know that bitch saw me standing there, and i was taking deep calming breaths to keep a lid on my temper. finally she says "have you been helped?" to which i replied testily, "um, nooooooooooo, that's why i'm standing HERE." she flippantly said, "ok and what's the name?" i gave her my name and address, and she found the meds. she rang me up and i THOUGHT i was gonna get my meds and go, but nooooooooooooooooo....she walked AWAY with my meds to go help somebody else! WITH MY MEDS IN HER HAND!
i had to wait 15 minutes before she FINALLY came back with my meds - both of them and rang me out. i was too thru. and the lines kept getting longer and longer, and the pharmacists were working at a snail's pace. if i had to have gone back to pick up my Klonopin, i'm willin to bet dollars to donuts those same people would STILL be there.
this is one of the many reasons that i dont like to be among people. i may forget who i am one day and bitch slap somebody with my cane.
Walgreen's pharmacy sucks!!!!
Friday, January 06, 2006
i'm "officially "pooped!!!
well, as part of the Kwanzaa principle of "Kujichagulia" or "self-determination" to get things done, even though every cell in my body is screaming "whatdafuck are you doing? we aint used to this shit! go sit yo' old ass down!" instead, i woke up this morning and went over to the UPS pickup station which is a very short walking distance, stood patiently in line and picked up my package. i had went online to the UPS site and typed in my package's tracking number and that i would come to the pickup station rather than them doing another delivery attempt. now i am "officially" pooped LOL. plus the weather has been favorable, so that has helped a lot. if it had been a lot of snow and ice on the ground, i probably would have just said "fuck it" and not done anything.i surprised myself at the energy levels that i have had all this week. ordinarily, i would just let things go and remain hermit-like, because i didnt want to be around a bunch of people, but when there are things that need to be done, well, i made myself do them. and having that planner that Sid gave me, is helping to keep me focused on what i need/have to do. i still have to get my State ID renewed, but in order to get the disabled ID card, i have to have a doctor's statement. so when i see my pdoc on the 24th, i will ask him to write out a statement confirming that i am disabled, and then i will go downtown to the Thompson Center and hope and pray that they will accept it and i can get a disabled State ID - which is free.
i still havent gotten my food stamps, and i've been calling my caseworker practically every day and i keep getting her voice mail. i've been buying groceries in small quantities so at least we can eat, and Dan you know when you're depressed, you either eat a lot or you have no appetite -- so eating has been my "comfort" right now. i have gained weight, but you know what...and i know i'm gonna get "flamed" for saying this, but guess what - i'd rather be plump and stable, than unstable and slim. that's my opinion and i'm stickin to it LOL.
i think i will wait until tomorrow to get my Klonopin script filled; however, once i get it filled in Walgreens' online system, when i need another refill, i can go online and do it. while i'm thinking about that, i better go and refill my blood pressure meds too. i have come to find that doing things online has been a godsend, because to me, it saves time and being that i have terrible arthritis in my hip and knees, i dont have to stand in line and i can pay all my bills without having to worry that somebody might come in the currency exchange to rob us blind. i know there are crooks on the Internet, but most of the sites that i do business with are secure.
anyways, i've babbled enough here. "Law & Order" is on TNT now, and i'm gonna go lie down to watch it. hope everyone has a good weekend.
peace blessings and love to all of you.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
on the move again
well, once again, i was on the move. i got up, got dressed (i took my bath last night), and headed out to pick up my new glasses, which i like way better than my old ones. i wanted my lenses tinted, so i wrote a check (stick with me Lord lol) for the $22 it cost to tint them and i waited while one of the opticians took care of that. after that, i left the eye clinic and went across the street to catch the bus. the temperature has been dropping and i saw some tiny grains of snow falling too.
i stopped at the Walgreens on 51st and Cottage Grove to get my new prescriptions filled. they filled one, the Zoloft, and told me the Klonopin was too soon to be refilled. didnt matter. long as i got the Zoloft i was happy. then i picked up 2 boxes of Zatatarain's Jambalaya Mix, a pack of hot beef polishes, which i'm gonna put in the jambalaya, a bottle of vegetable cooking oil, some garlic pepper seasoning, and 2 packs of Misty Menthol Lights 100s cigarettes. then i got on the bus and rode on home. and now i'm pooped. in a little while i'm going to make the jambalaya and call it a day. i have a package that i need to pick up from the UPS station just up the street, but i will wait until tomorrow to do that- i have no more energy to walk another step, less alone climb them stairs again. but i did accomplish the "action items" that was in my planner.
i still feel a bit down in the spirit, but i pushed myself to do these things today. i hate i have to go back to Walgreens to get my script for Klonopin filled but, c'est la vie. at least i have an ample supply of my other meds, so i'm good for a while.
i stopped at the Walgreens on 51st and Cottage Grove to get my new prescriptions filled. they filled one, the Zoloft, and told me the Klonopin was too soon to be refilled. didnt matter. long as i got the Zoloft i was happy. then i picked up 2 boxes of Zatatarain's Jambalaya Mix, a pack of hot beef polishes, which i'm gonna put in the jambalaya, a bottle of vegetable cooking oil, some garlic pepper seasoning, and 2 packs of Misty Menthol Lights 100s cigarettes. then i got on the bus and rode on home. and now i'm pooped. in a little while i'm going to make the jambalaya and call it a day. i have a package that i need to pick up from the UPS station just up the street, but i will wait until tomorrow to do that- i have no more energy to walk another step, less alone climb them stairs again. but i did accomplish the "action items" that was in my planner.
i still feel a bit down in the spirit, but i pushed myself to do these things today. i hate i have to go back to Walgreens to get my script for Klonopin filled but, c'est la vie. at least i have an ample supply of my other meds, so i'm good for a while.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
from "up" to "down" - it never fails
it never fails. just when i think i'm actually gonna see sunshine, the dark cloud of depression hovers over me like a buzzard flying over a dead animal's carcass.
next month my dad would have turned 80. a month later he was gone. now i know why i feel so down all of a sudden. March 1 will be a year that my father died. i'm trying not to cry as i write this...really trying hard...
i cant promise you all that i will post every day like i've been doing, but i will try. right now, my emotions are turbulent, and i'm just not feeling this blog right now.
everybody please take care. i love you all. James, i hope you dont mind me borrowing Vincent from you, but this picture definitely coincides with how i feel right now.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
mentally and physically drained
well, i made it out of the house today. i went and paid my rent, bought a new 30-day Reduced Fare bus pass, rolled over my loan, and made it to the aid office. i cornered my caseworker -- a very nice lady btw -- and told her that i hadnt received my MediPlan card or my food stamps for this month. she found my paperwork, and printed out a temporary MediPlan card and told me she was gonna put the info in about my food stamps.
then when i get home, lo and behold, my "official" MediPlan card was in the mail -- with my youngest's name still on it! yay! i just hope by Friday my foodstamps will be on my Link card, because i've been pinching off my check to keep some food in my house. but thank God, i didnt have to wait in the long line at the aid office. i recognized my caseworker by her voice and walked right up to her, as did some of her other clients. she had us go upstairs (the damn elevator was out of order - grrrr) and once we got up there, she had us sit in different areas in the office and patiently took care of us. so far *knock wood* i've had some really nice caseworkers, and usually i find my way to them and get done what needs to get done. i know the other folks downstairs were pissed at us, but oh well. i was determined to do this today and by God, i did it, and didnt have to get nasty with anyone.
after i left the office, i walked, albeit painfully, to this little grocery store and bought a assorted meat pack for $19.99 and some vegetables. that total came to $30 and some change, and completely exhausted, i hobbled out of the store for home. i called my youngest on my cell phone and had her meet me halfway, because them three bags were heavy, and my energy level had already bottomed out. she came, and carried the bags and when we reached our street her b/f was heading towards us and she gave him the bags. i was so grateful to see both of them i didnt know what to do, because i was whupped. i had been up since 9:30 this morning running around, and here it is now 3:20 pm and i'm drained. but dammit, i handled my business!
so i'm hoping that by Friday my foodstamps will be on my Link card (for those of you who arent from Illinois, it's a card that holds your food stamp and/or check allowance on one convenient card, sorta like a debit card) because my youngest is chomping at the bit to go grocery shopping.
since she has taken over that chore, i'm extremely grateful and proud of her. she shops the way i do, and even carries the calculator with her to keep a running tab on what she spends. her b/f comes over quite frequently and is also a huge help around here. both of them will wash dishes, cook, and he takes the trash out for me, and told me if i need the floor mopped, he would do it.
so yes, i have another "adopted" son LOL. but it's all good.
it almost brought tears to my eyes when he told me nearly teary-eyed himself how i felt more like his mother than his actual mama. actually he is a sweet young man, and i'm happy that my daughter is influencing him in positive ways. he's enrolled at Olive-Harvey college along with my daughter to get his G.E.D., and he's very, very protective of us (he's a Scorpio - those of that sign are extremely protective of those they love, but God help you if you cross them -- think of the scorpion and that lethal sting...you WILL get dealt with). i love him like he's my own and my daughter told me how he cried one night because he felt like he was part of a real family. he calls me "mama" and always kisses me on my cheek. this young man saved my life when i had a terrible depressive spell, where i was crying uncontrollably and thru my tears i had my entire bottle of ibuprofen in my hands to end it all. he talked me thru it and held me while i cried.
so yes, he saved my life and i am truly grateful he was here. i shudder to think about what would have happened had he not been here.
anyways, as i said, i am drained - mentally and physically. i'm gonna make myself a bite to eat and lie down awhile. at least i got things done.
then when i get home, lo and behold, my "official" MediPlan card was in the mail -- with my youngest's name still on it! yay! i just hope by Friday my foodstamps will be on my Link card, because i've been pinching off my check to keep some food in my house. but thank God, i didnt have to wait in the long line at the aid office. i recognized my caseworker by her voice and walked right up to her, as did some of her other clients. she had us go upstairs (the damn elevator was out of order - grrrr) and once we got up there, she had us sit in different areas in the office and patiently took care of us. so far *knock wood* i've had some really nice caseworkers, and usually i find my way to them and get done what needs to get done. i know the other folks downstairs were pissed at us, but oh well. i was determined to do this today and by God, i did it, and didnt have to get nasty with anyone.
after i left the office, i walked, albeit painfully, to this little grocery store and bought a assorted meat pack for $19.99 and some vegetables. that total came to $30 and some change, and completely exhausted, i hobbled out of the store for home. i called my youngest on my cell phone and had her meet me halfway, because them three bags were heavy, and my energy level had already bottomed out. she came, and carried the bags and when we reached our street her b/f was heading towards us and she gave him the bags. i was so grateful to see both of them i didnt know what to do, because i was whupped. i had been up since 9:30 this morning running around, and here it is now 3:20 pm and i'm drained. but dammit, i handled my business!
so i'm hoping that by Friday my foodstamps will be on my Link card (for those of you who arent from Illinois, it's a card that holds your food stamp and/or check allowance on one convenient card, sorta like a debit card) because my youngest is chomping at the bit to go grocery shopping.
since she has taken over that chore, i'm extremely grateful and proud of her. she shops the way i do, and even carries the calculator with her to keep a running tab on what she spends. her b/f comes over quite frequently and is also a huge help around here. both of them will wash dishes, cook, and he takes the trash out for me, and told me if i need the floor mopped, he would do it.
so yes, i have another "adopted" son LOL. but it's all good.
it almost brought tears to my eyes when he told me nearly teary-eyed himself how i felt more like his mother than his actual mama. actually he is a sweet young man, and i'm happy that my daughter is influencing him in positive ways. he's enrolled at Olive-Harvey college along with my daughter to get his G.E.D., and he's very, very protective of us (he's a Scorpio - those of that sign are extremely protective of those they love, but God help you if you cross them -- think of the scorpion and that lethal sting...you WILL get dealt with). i love him like he's my own and my daughter told me how he cried one night because he felt like he was part of a real family. he calls me "mama" and always kisses me on my cheek. this young man saved my life when i had a terrible depressive spell, where i was crying uncontrollably and thru my tears i had my entire bottle of ibuprofen in my hands to end it all. he talked me thru it and held me while i cried.
so yes, he saved my life and i am truly grateful he was here. i shudder to think about what would have happened had he not been here.
anyways, as i said, i am drained - mentally and physically. i'm gonna make myself a bite to eat and lie down awhile. at least i got things done.
Monday, January 02, 2006
stop the world i wanna get off
it's 5:15 pm here in Chi-Town. right now, i feel like stir-fried shit, and i didnt even drink nary a drop on NYE. instead, i ate Chinese food, watched the ball drop on TV in Times Square, and then went to bed.
i did accomplish something today. i bought a mop for $2 and some change and came home and finally mopped my kitchen floor. i have to say the floor looks a gazillion times better than it has been.
now, i sit here at this computer, not really knowing what the hell to write, just a jumble of nonsense from my uber-medicated brain. i guess i just find it amazing how fast the holidays went by. to me it was like a blur; one minute it's Christmas the next New Year's Day. and then back to the regularly scheduled programming.
i feel like nothing's gonna change, that it's gonna be the same old shit just a different year. i want the world to stop so i can get off, because i feel like a hamster in a cage, just mindlessly going round and round and round.
i talk all this "positive" talk to other people, and try to build them up when deep down inside i feel like i'm falling into the dark hole again. i think what is making me feel this way is because March 1 will be a year ago my father died, and it makes me sad. i havent cried yet; the tears just wont come now, but i do expect them to come. i cant believe it'll be a year already come March 1, that i went down to South Carolina to my beloved father's funeral.
somebody please stop the world....i wanna get off....
"here comes that rainy day feelin' again..."
*sigh*. well, the holiday season is over, we are in a new year, and the way i'm feeling is same shit different year.
right now it's raining outside, which only makes me want to stay in bed all day. but alas, i'm up. i'm going to have to go to the aid office (that is if they are open today) and find out why i havent gotten my Medicaid card and my food stamps, because i usually get them on the 1st. but since the first was a holiday, i gotta find out what the hell is going on. i have been calling my caseworker practically all morning only to get her voicemail. so i guess i gotta put on some clothes and hobble up to the office. i really dont like being out in the rain, but right now it sure as hell beats trudging thru snow and ice.
ah well. here comes that rainy day feelin' again....bleh.
right now it's raining outside, which only makes me want to stay in bed all day. but alas, i'm up. i'm going to have to go to the aid office (that is if they are open today) and find out why i havent gotten my Medicaid card and my food stamps, because i usually get them on the 1st. but since the first was a holiday, i gotta find out what the hell is going on. i have been calling my caseworker practically all morning only to get her voicemail. so i guess i gotta put on some clothes and hobble up to the office. i really dont like being out in the rain, but right now it sure as hell beats trudging thru snow and ice.
ah well. here comes that rainy day feelin' again....bleh.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Kwanzaa Principle #7- Imani (Faith) and Happy New Year!
Happy New Year! i hope all of my Blogger friends had a safe, pleasant, and wonderful New Year's Eve.
today is the last Principle of Kwanzaa - Imani (Faith). this principle has no religious affiliation; however, it embraces all beliefs. it also means having faith in ourselves, especially those of us who suffer from psychiatric illnesses, that we will keep on the road to recovery no matter how bumpy the journey may be.
Imani - Faith.
let's all hope for a better New Year and that 2006 will start off with peace, prosperity, good health and happiness.
Happy New Year!
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