Happy Holidays Everyone!

Hello, hello hello to all my wonderful Blogger friends. i know it's been a while, and *sigh* unfortunately i dont have Internet access at home, but there's always the good old library *big cheesy grin*

thank you all soooooooo much for the wonderful comments on my being a first-time grandma. i look forward to it and by the way, my daughter's having a boy and from the looks of her, i think he's gonna be a biggun LOL

well the phlebotomy class didnt pan out, but that's okay. i hope to be working soon *yay for the looony lady LOL* i went on an interview at Jackson Park Hospital (those of y'all who are from Chicago know which one i'm talkin' bout - i hope LOOOL) and the nurse manager gave me a tour of where i'll be working....in the ICU! man, you can take the nurse out of the hospital but you cant take the hospital outta the nurse LOL. besides i was getting to the point of extreme boredom. and also i signed up with a nursing agency too, to make some money in the interim until i get that call from Jerkson, errrr, Jackson Park. i wont be making a lot, but that's cool. at least Medicaid is footing the bill for my Medicare premiums and my monthly check looks a whole lot better.

god, i have missed you guys SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!!!!!!!!! i feel kinda discombobulated without you all. hopefully once i start working, i can get back online again, hell, even if it's only dial-up, shit, i dont care LOL


i hope everybody's Turkey Day went well, and i wish to all of you health, happiness and prosperity in the New Year. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukha (sp?), Happy Kwanzaa, and peace blessings and much, much love.


here's a big ole hug from me to you
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everyone take care of yourselves and each other (yeah i know i stole it from Jerry Springer, so bite me LOL)

XOXOXOXOXOXOX to all! i will write again as i can.

hey again y'all

hey everyone...i'm still "out of order"as far as my home computer, but i just wanna let you guys know i'm okay and that i'm trying to get back in school for phlebotomy training. also........I'M GONNA BE A GRANDMA !!!!! *big wide grin*. my youngest has a bun in the oven and the due date is February 24.

as i can i will check in with you all. in the meantime, everyone take care...i really miss you all.

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hey all, i'm still here just disconnected

hey everybody... just checking in (at the Library for now) to let y'all know i'm okay. i'll check in as i can to Blogger so y'all will know i'm still here.



everybody take care.

"bloggus interruptus" is lurking and my bank account is shot to hell

hi everybody. Bloggus Interruptus is a-lurking, so if you dont see any posts you'll know why.

i'm waayyyy behind on this damn cable bill, as well as my cell bill and if the cell gets cut off, so be it. my checking account is ugly overdrawn because i've had to um, write a few "floaters" to try and keep my head above water, and those fees add up. but it's nobody's fault but mine.

i wish i had at least $500 to dump in the account to erase those overdrafts but i cant pull it out of the sky, so i'm hoping for a miracle.

*sigh* anyway, i'm a little down in the spirit today, and nearly dreading the third of next month because my direct deposit is gonna eat the overdrafts.


i brought this crap on myself, so i deserve to suffer the consequences.

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all dads and single moms who are holdin' it down for your children.

though my beloved Dad is in Heaven with my mother, i will always love both of them til my dyin day.

also today marks the 19th anniversary of when my Mama died, but i think i'm going to be okay today. the bottom line is that i loved both my parents and if it had not been for them, i wouldnt be here with you guys.

so instead of being sad on this day, i rejoice because God gave me two parents who gave me love in their own special way, raised me to be the person i am, despite my faults and shortcomings, and kept me from the negative influences of the outside world as i grew up. i thank God for both of my parents, and, as i previously stated, i miss them very much, but i know that they are in the loving arms of the Creator, and that they are free from the illnesses that they suffered while here on Earth, and that they are back together again in Heaven.

so once again, to those dads out there and single moms - Happy Father's Day.

peace, blessings, strength, and much love to you all.

fighting to stay strong this weekend

this weekend is Father's Day, and i am fighting with everything within me to not fall apart. also on this day, 19 years ago, i lost my mother. so i'm trying my best to not cry, like i did last year, when i went to pieces, because my dad had just died 3 months prior.

i think about the times when i was a little girl and how my dad would sometimes take me to work with him, and i would play on the typewriters pretending to be a secretary. i remember going to him for a pair of shoes my mama wouldn't buy for me, and how he'd bring me my favorite ice cream, chocolate, and sometimes take me to the park where the swings were, and give me a big ole push where i felt like i was flying. was i a daddy's girl? yes, i was. i wanted to go everywhere Daddy went, and would sometimes cry when he'd leave for work. i think Mama was a tad jealous that i always wanted to be with Daddy, but that's how it was.

as i got older, Daddy and i became kinda distant. i dont know what happened, but it seemed once i hit puberty, me and Daddy and Mama were like strangers in the house together. i would go in my room, Mama would sleep on the couch, and when Daddy would come home, he'd go to the other bedroom. and that's the way it was for a long time.

as i began to show signs of womanhood (breasts and hips) Mama would make me cover myself up in my robe. i wasnt allowed to wear anything that would emphasize my developing body (we were Muslims, so go figure). there were times when Daddy would come in my room and ask me how i was doing in school, and i would tell him. but, for the most part, Daddy would sometimes work into the early morning hours at the newspaper plant, to make sure the paper got out on time.

anyways, to make a long story short, i still loved and respected my father. when he got angry with me, and whupped my ass, i remember him saying "i'm going to give you something to remember" and at 47 years of age, i aint forgotten them whuppin's. when i got pregnant at 19, i thought for sure my father was gonna kill me, because Mama already had told me that she was, but surprisingly enough, Daddy was actually very calm about it, and merely asked how was i going to deal with it, and so on. Mama, on the other hand, was none too happy about me getting knocked up, and let me know in no uncertain terms speaking fluent Cuss, and telling me that i was a disgrace to the religion and that i had disgraced her, and i remember her slapping the everlovin' shit outta me when i tried to stand up for myself. however, once i gave birth to my firstborn daughter, in February, 1979, she fell in love with my baby, and pretty much spoiled her rotten, even to the point of wanting to take her away from me, because she felt i was an unfit mother, and a slut.

what brought that on? well, it was on a Sunday and Mama was raising hell about me, saying that i didnt need to have a child because of whatever, and she called me names like stupid, and i was trying to feed my daughter, while she ranted and raved at me. then she said something that brought the anger that had been brewing in me to a scorching boil...she said she would find a way to take my baby from me, because i wasn't shit, and i was in her eyes, a slut and an unfit mother. why, oh why did she say that? before i knew it, i had jumped up outta my chair and had grabbed a steak knife and told her with every ounce of rage i had that she wasnt taking my child away from me, because i would kill her first.

(side note: my dad had moved to South Carolina around 1977, because he and my mother wasnt getting on well with one another)

my mother looked at me like i had grown a third eye and told me to put that knife down, and i told her HELL NO. YOU TRY AND TAKE MY BABY, YOU OLD BITCH (yes i said "bitch") AND I WILL KILL YOU!" yeah. i lost it but my anger had reached a very dangerous level, and i couldnt take it no more. i scooped my baby up in my arms and went to my room and slammed the door shut.

but i digress. in spite of everything, i loved both my parents, and was deeply hurt when i lost them. i miss both of them very much, and as i said, i'm fighting to stay strong this weekend.

i think i can make it.

woops! sorry i forgot to tell u why i was admitted

woops! *slaps forehead - duh!* i'm sorry i neglected to tell you all WHY i was hospitalized.

i was in the midst of a regular routine MD visit and i started having chest pain. it felt like a squeezing sensation, and the pain was radiating along my (L) jaw, my neck, and in between my shoulder blades. i had been having this pain off and on for about a week, and whenever it hit me, i would chew an aspirin (81 mgs). my doc felt i should be admitted to rule out an MI (myocardial infarct, otherwise known as a heart attack).

not wanting to take any chances, she had me sent to the ER, where they could do an ECG [or EKG] (electrocardiogram) of my heart rhythms. while in the ER labs were drawn (i already knew the drill from having performed both EKG and blood draws while working as a tech on the Telemetry unit), labs being cardiac enzymes, CBC and one other one i cant think of right now. then the nurse put in a heplock (or IV port if you will) and started a sodium chloride drip. then i was taken to Radiology for an X-ray of my chest (both anterior (front) and lateral (side).

the stress test results were good, they found no sign of any heart problems, my EKG was normal and my blood labs were normal. i was discharged home with a follow-up visit with my doctor in 3 weeks. i was sent home with an increase in the cholesterol med i take (Lipitor) from 10 mgs to 20 mgs taken every night, and a new script for my BP med, Benicar HCT, which is an ACE inhibitor and diuretic combined, and a script for Levaquin, an antibiotic to clear up a UTI they found in my urinalysis and also a trace of chlamydia (WTF??), which i didnt know i had. i mean, i'm not sexually active (at least with a man), so i was a bit puzzled as to how i got chlamydia and a UTI (urinary tract infection), because i drink a lot of water and cranberry juice every chance i get. oh and i am on an 81 mg aspirin regimen too.

so there you have it *smile*

home from the hospital - no, not THAT one

i am sooooooo glad to be home. i was admitted into the hospital yesterday because of chest pain i had started having while at my medical doctor's appointment. my doc took me around to the ER and i had an EKG done and the nurse started an IV on me, and after that, i was admitted to the unit where i used to work, Telemetry.

they've moved to a different floor, which is larger, but the good thing is all the rooms are private. once i got to my room, i knew the drill from having to do it many times for new admissions - the nurse assistant took my vitals, brought me an "admission kit" water pitcher, cups, straws, Kleenex, a toothbrush, toothpaste, lotion, soap (what makes these hospitals think that patients can get thoroughly clean with such a little bitty assed bar of soap?), bath oil and a comb, two face cloths, two towels (like those little ass towels are gonna cover my big ass LOL) and a gown, and those little sock "slippers". then i had to fill out the admit form (i was half-asleep when the nurse came in), and then the docs on call came in and asked questions, but thanks to my nursing training and knowledge of medical terminology, i wrote out a detailed narrative of what had been going on with me. the doc was highly impressed with my knowledge and told me my notes were better than his *blushing*

also when i was brought into my room, they had a dinner tray waiting and as hungry as i was, i dove right into it. surprisingly, it was good. when i was finished eating, i sat up a while and read a magazine, then laid back on my bed and watched TV until i started getting extremely sleepy. i got up and turned off the lamp, closed my blinds and climbed into bed. no sooner than my head hit the pillow, the doc on night duty came in and was blathering on about the procedures i was to have in the morning, and so on. i nodded sleepily, and turned over and went back to sleep. the sleep interruptions didnt bother me because i knew the night shift had to draw labs and take vitals for change of shift. so when the NA came into my room i stuck my hand out for them to draw the blood and went back to sleep. and they were kind enough to give me some of my bedtime meds, so i was really zonked out.

this morning, the attending doc came in to remind me i had to take a stress test, and that the transporter would be in shortly to take me downstairs to Nuclear Medicine. the transporter came, and groggily i sat in the wheelchair with my bed blanket wrapped around me while he took me down. i was glad to have the blanket, because it was like a meat locker in the NucMed room - brrrrrr!

anyhoo, the tech had me lie down and place my hands up over my head and secured me to the table, and then the table started moving up to where this huge machine was. the machine was taking pictures of my heart, after being injected with some kind of radiological stuff thru my IV port, and for the most part i dozed. that was the first part of the stress test. the second part i was taken to the echo-stress room, and again, had to lie down while the nurse slapped a number of leads on me and hooked me up to them. then she hung this thallium solution that would place added stress on my heart and that was to see if i had any kind of cardiac damage.

that shit was awful. i started feeling like i couldnt breathe, my chest was getting tight, and my arms and legs started hurting something fierce. i couldnt take it, and nearly begged the nurse to please stop the procedure. she did immediately and hung a solution to reverse the effects of the thallium solution, and i immediately felt better. then it was back to the meat locker and again i got another injection of the radiological stuff thru my IV and again the big machine was taking internal X-rays of my heart chambers.

when it was finally done, the tech called for the transporter to take me back upstairs to my room, to await the results of the test. when he brought me to my room, i thanked the transporter, and went over to my chair and sat down in it. i hadnt had a cigarette within the last 12 hours, and i was edgy and restless, so i slipped my shoes on and walked up and down the corridor.

while walking the hall, i saw my regular doctor who told me that they were awaiting the stress test results and if everything was OK i would be discharged home. i thanked her and continued my constitutional up and down the hallway. then i remembered i had bummed a cigarette from a lady in the waiting room down in the NucMed room, and yes i know it was wrong, and i should have known better, but i needed to get that monkey off my back, so i took some room spray and a towel into the bathroom, closed the door and put the towel against the bottom of the door and lit up. man, i felt myself coming back to life! i smoked half of it and then sprayed the bathroom real good and felt a whole hell of a lot better.

by then it was lunchtime, and lunch was actually good. i had meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and three 4 oz cups of apple juice, and two soft chocolate chip cookies - yum.

after i'd eaten, again, i snuck in the bathroom and finished off the last of the cigarette, making sure i sprayed the bathroom well and by that time, it was shift change - the 3-11 crew was coming on and it took me back to when i worked that shift, and how i would go sign in, get my assignment and then begin my work. there was a lot of new faces on the unit, especially the nurse assistants. while i was walking the hall, i spoke to them as they were coming on duty. they all were very, very nice, as was the nurse who was taking care of me.

well, once the results came in, the nurse told me she was getting my discharge papers ready, and was gonna take out the heplock in my hand, but i'd beaten her to it LOL

i was so ready to go. i called my guy friend Al and asked him if he could come get me and take me home, and he said he would, just to let him know when i was ready. once i got the word i was outta there, i called him and told him i'd be downstairs out in the front. i asked him if he could get me a pack of cigs, and he laughed and said no problem. i hung up, washed up quick, fast and in a hurry, and i took my stuff with me and all but raced to the elevators - woo hoo! i was FREE!!!!!!!

i sat outside and waited, restlessly pacing, until i saw him and i gratefully got in the back of his van, and we were off. he stopped at a gas station and got my cigs, and i was literally tearing the pack open with my teeth and popped one in my mouth, lit up and was in 7th heaven. i offered him one and he took it, while i was blissfully puffing away.

when he got to my house, i told him that i was gonna go upstairs and get this CD by this quartet from the 70s called "New York City" so he could make a copy for himself. i went upstairs and dumped my stuff, grabbed the CD and hurried back downstairs and gave it to him. he told me he was gonna burn himself a copy and give me mine back soon. i thanked him again, and then wearily i trudged back up the stairs, grateful to be home.

(side note: i brought my blanket and sheet home with me. i finally got rid of that godawful, raggedy comforter. now my bed looks the way a bed should look *wink*)

and on that note, i have taken my bedtime meds, and now i'm gonna take a shower in my own bathroom, and not with no little -ass bar of soap, but my favorite bar of unscented Oil of Olay Sensitive Skin soap. and then i hope to be in my bed...asleep.

that's it. i'm out. peace.

i applied for a job yesterday -- but am i really ready to get back out there?

yeah you read right. i had to go to the post office yesterday, and didnt realize it was quite warm out, and i was wearing sweats and a leather jacket. i see why these fuckers are called sweats - i had a river pouring down my back, shit!

anyway. after i left the post office i caught the bus to 83rd street and got off. i walked to the Family Dollar store and went in to look around. of course when i had no money, i saw things i wanted: a cute long summer skirt and a pair of those "J-Lo" shades that were not only cute but only $5. there was no way i could use my "5-finger discount", so aimlessly i walked over to the computer that was in the store where one could fill out an application electronically. so i sat my little short fat ass in the plastic chair and began the application process for part-time work as a store clerk.

i dont know what made me do it - no that is a lie. i know what made me do it. i'm fucking tired of being fucking broke all the damn time. since Social Security stopped benefits for my daughter, i've been having a hell of a time keeping my head above water. once i take out $550 for my rent, shit aint much left. that's what made me sit down and patiently answer all the questions on the application. i dont care if it's minimum wage, as long as i dont go over the allotted amount i get every month, i can still work and still keep getting my disability.

the question is: am i REALLY ready to go back into the working world? do i have the patience to deal with people who may have attitudes? will i be able to keep my patience and not snap off on em or throw shit around? it was an impulsive move, and i didnt stop and think about it. so something must be nagging at me to finally get up offa my ass and do something.

i had been working since the age of 16, and there were some lean moments when i had to apply for Medicaid and whatnot, but then my momma was still living and i didnt have to worry about my daughter (the oldest one).

it's like deep down inside of me i want a job again, to feel productive and to give myself a sense of self-worth, and to be able to pay all my bills on time, and have at least a little something left for me. now, would i go back to the nursing field as a nurse assistant? HELL NO. that's what started the downward spiral. however, i still remember how to draw blood (phlebotomy), and truth be told, i miss that part of it -- the other parts, wiping asses and pulling heavy patients up in bed, again a resounding HELL NO. so who knows? there's a lot of these little storefront clinics in the neighborhood that have a blood drawing lab in 'em, so i might go and check around to see if they need help. at least my skills wont get rusty.

it's funny - you can take the nurse out of the hospital but you cant take the hospital out of the nurse LOL. it's all i've ever known for the last soon to be 12 years next month. i just dont want to deal with the shitty end of it or what i call "bedpan alley".

i dont wanna hafta to smell shit and piss and puke much less have to clean it. i dont wanna hafta pull circus-sized obese patients up in bed no more BY MYSELF and messing up my own body. i dont wanna hafta work crazy assed shifts and deal with bitch assed nurses who think it's the nurse assistant's job to do EVERYTHING and they not help, or constantly bug the fuck out of me about doing my job. i dont want that part of it no more. EVER.

if i could luck up on a neighborhood clinic or doctor's office, that would work for me. i aint gotta hear patients or their families bitch me out because their loved one has sat in a puddle of piss and shit since 2pm when i'm just starting my shift at 3pm. i just wanna be able to find a good vein on somebody, draw what labs the doc wants and send that patient on their merry way. is that too much to ask for? probably.

however, most of these clinics insist that the phlebotomists be certified, and i'm not. i'm hospital-trained, with 5 years experience under my belt. i'm gonna see what Social Security or Public Aid offers in terms of training programs, especially in phlebotomy. healthcare is still in my blood, and sometimes when i go thru my closet to look for something to wear to my doctor's appointments and i happen to see all my old scrubs sitting on hangers, now too small for my big ass, i have to be honest and say, i miss being a part of it -- mind you, NOT the craziness associated with working on a hectic unit like oncology, cardiology/telemetry or med-surg, but the phlebotomy side of it. i was good at reassuring even the most difficult patients that i wouldnt hurt them. to hear them say "wow, i didnt even feel it" used to give me a great deal of satisfaction, because i took what i did seriously and was pretty good at it.

*gasp* am i getting better? i must be, if i can sit here at this computer and be honest with myself and admit that i miss being a part of the healthcare team. but it's the honest-to-God truth. i truly do miss it.

and some kind of way, i'm gonna find my way back....but am i really ready to take that plunge? only time will tell, i suppose.

holding back the tears

i'm sitting here at this computer thinking back to when i was a child. i suppose it has a lot to do with Mother's Day coming next month, and my mother being gone for close to 19 years.

i was an only child to my mother, yet the baby sister of my three siblings. i think of the things i went thru growing up - most of it extremely painful. i try not to linger in the painful part; yet, every now and again, my mind wanders into it.

my mother was a very fiesty, very short-tempered woman. one moment she could be laughing and joking, and the next moment, if she was angry, her words would cut like a two-edged sword, and she spoke Cuss fluently. when she got angry at me, oh my God. she'd find my weaknesses and hammer on them like a crazed construction worker. when she beat me, she had NO MERCY. none. whatever was handy at the moment, be it a book, a shoe, extension cord, wire hanger, or her hands and fists, my body was fair game. i remember her anger at me for taking too long getting ready for Sunday service. she threw a hardcover book at me which caught me in my right eye and turned black and blue. i had to go that Sunday with my eye all bruised and swollen and i dared not tell anybody how i got it, or else.

dont get me wrong, my mother had her good points...she was an excellent cook, she was extremely clean and kept our place spic-and-span, she knew how to sew, bake bread, and can fruits, vegetables and soups. she even taught home economics to the high school female students, and taught penmanship to the elementary and high school students at my school. it seemed like there was nothing she couldnt do -- except make me feel like she really loved me. i'm sure she did in her own way, but i used to wish that i could talk to her about anything and not get yelled at or cussed at. when i hit puberty, and got my first period at age 12, she basically told me about the menstrual cycle and that was it. talk about sex? OH HELL NO. why would i ask about that? it wasnt gonna happen as far as my mama was concerned. she didnt tell me what to expect if i liked a boy or a boy liked me, and most of the boys were too afraid of her to even think about liking me. in fact, i would get teased about it -- "ooh, i'm tellin' your mama on you" bla bla bla and once it got back to her, my ass was grass.

i used to get teased unmercifully about being shy, and about how my hair would be braided, and my head being slightly off. omigod, a lot of times i cried, which only fueled my tormentors even more. i've often wondered if i have slight brain damage because of my lopsided head.

anyways, i was about 5 years old when my mother was going thru "the change." i didnt know anything about it, only it seemed that she was meaner than ever. i remember her being really angry at me for something and she made me pack my clothes into two brown shopping bags and told me she didnt want me no more, and to get the hell out of her house. i started to cry, wondering howcome Mama dont want me no more, and when she heard me crying, she came into my room and screamed at me to shut up and get out. i cried even harder, because i felt like Mama hated me. she stood there and watched me put my things into the bags, and still crying, i dared to ask, where am i gonna go Mama? to which she snapped, i dont give a damn, go live with your auntie, just get out! i cried til i felt like my soul would burst, i was so hurt. i'm 5 years old -- where was i gonna go? how would i get there? why does Mama hate me so much? i thought as i sat outside the door on the carpeted steps outside our apartment still crying my eyes out.

i had no idea that "the change" was making her so mean. i was a little girl, so what did i know? anyways, after what seemed to be hours, Mama opened the door and with tears in her eyes, told me to come back in and said how sorry she was for how she treated me. i cried even harder. remembering all of this has started the tears flowing as i type these words.....excuse me for a sec.....

*taking a deep breath* childhood wasnt an easy time for me. whatever some hateful old sister in the Mosque told my mother about me allegedly "acting up" she believed it without question and i got the beating of my life about it when i got home. she took off her shoe, and started beating me upside my head, my face, my body. i cried helplessly saying 'i wont do it no more mama! i'm sorry!' but my cries fell on deaf ears. i was crying so loud she put a pillow over my face and almost smothered me to death.

i once thought i could fight my Mama to stop her from whuppin my ass. big mistake. it only enraged her more and she threw me upside the wall and slapped the shit outta me. still angry i yelled at her "i hate you! drop dead!" what did i say that for? the only thing i remember is waking up in my bed and feeling sore all over. plus my head hurt.

then one day me and this other little girl were playing at the clothing factory where our mothers worked. this girl kept on teasing me about candy, and i kept telling her i was not allowed to eat candy. anyways, the girl gave me some of it and said, i wont tell your mama. of course she lied. she told my mother, and my mother was livid with rage. once we got to our apartment, she kept shoving me up the steps, snapping and cussing about how she was gonna half-kill me that night. and she did.

i was trying to vacuum the carpet, and out of nowhere my mother grabbed me up in my collar, slappin me hard and yelling at the top of her lungs. then she picked up this old butcher's knife and backed me into a corner with it, looking at me with eyes of pure rage, and told me "i oughta cut your goddamn head off" as i felt the blade digging into my throat. i was crying and screaming, "mama, please please dont kill me, please!!!!" i swear, i never saw such rabid, feral rage in anyone's eyes like that and still crying and pleading for my life, i pissed myself. finally she threw the knife into the sink and told me to get the fuck out of her face, and slapped me so hard my head hurt.

i ran into my room bawling my eyes out. i had never been so afraid in all my life. i couldnt even sleep that night, i was so terrified that she'd come in my room and hack me to death. so talk about having the piss scared out of you, that was me. i was about 9 years old, i think.

the first time i talked about the abuse i suffered as a child, i cried like someone had ripped my heart out. i sat in the chair and held myself as i cried. having suppressed all of those memories, i couldnt hold back the tears no longer. it still haunts me to this day.

i have to go now....i feel the tears starting up again...

there's no place like home

*yawn* i am tired today. after that little excursion from yesterday, i'm still tired, and to make it worse, i woke up TOO DAMN EARLY!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i called the station and told them i wouldnt be able to make it today. after i took my meds last night, i got dizzy and i knew if i kept standing up, i was liable to hit the floor. so as soon as my head landed on my pillow, i was O-U-T.

i guess when some of us who are battling our respective illnesses and who have isolated ourselves from the outside, when we DO find the energy to actually venture out, we tend to get tired more easily, at least i do. even when i have to go out, for doctor appointments, or grocery shopping, and going to pay my rent, by the time i get home, i am truly wiped out. for real. I. AM. EXHAUSTED.

reconnecting with the outside world aint easy when you've decided that unless absolutely necessary, you wont leave your house because just the thought of having to shower/bathe, brush teeth, put on clothes makes you want to crawl back into bed and sleep all day.

now i know y'all are saying, "hey, quit making excuses and get up offa your big ass and get out there!" well, i'm taking baby steps ok? to do too much all in one day gets me overwhelmed , and makes me stay in my shell. and i know some of y'all know what i'm talking about. sometimes just the thought itself will make you TIRED.

when i reflect back on how i once was, it kinda depresses me. there was a time when the weekend came, i would be gettin' myself all cute so i could hang out with my godson, dance my ass off and just clown all night long. i was practically NEVER at home come the weekends.

there was one Friday night one of my co-workers had a birthday and she wanted to go out after work. i told her about the spot where my godson DJ'd, and after we punched out, we split up in different cars and headed to the spot. she had a blast, and so did the rest of us. i didnt have any $$$ to give her, so i decided that she should celebrate her birthday at the club. she was overjoyed at the fact, and so there it was. she and her boyfriend went in one car, and me and my other homegirls followed behind.

once we got there, the other two ladies were kinda quiet, and just took it all in, but me and the birthday girl was dancin' and shakin' our groove thangs and havin a ball. i even had my godson to announce her birthday and that the nurses from Mercy Hospital were in the house that night, which had the rest of the crowd whoopin' and hollerin LOL ah, good times.

well i guess i wont be going down to the station tomorrow, cuz the lady called me a few minutes ago and said she didnt need me for the 3pm-4pm slot tomorrow. *whew* i'm glad actually. i still need time to recuperate from yesterday. plus, my right knee is aching something fierce, so i'm gonna chill.

after all, there's no place like home.

gradually coming out of hiding

that's right...i'm gradually coming out of hiding. i got up this morning, saw it was a nice (yet windy) day and took a ride up to the strip mall near where i live. didnt buy anything (ha, no $$$), but i did "window shop". i went to Ashley Stewart to see what kind of spring/summer clothes they had; pfft, i didnt see anything that caught my eye. left there and walked around the corner to Lane Bryant. again, pffft! didnt see nothing there either. walked further down to the beauty supply store, and just looked around. they've improved and expanded where they have a lot more stuff, and there is a hair salon in the back of the place. luckily i cut my own hair, so that saves me a lot of money.

i must say it was kinda nice to just take in the weather and casually stroll (albeit slowly) thru the mall and then get back on the bus to go home.

i think i'm going to keep doing that more often.

state of shock

i just recently found out over on Stephanie's blog, Mystickal Incense that i was the prize winner of her "Gay Dinosaur Poetry Contest" omg....i am still in a state of shock because i've never won anything in my life! she's sending me a box of goodies from her Mystickal Incense and More store.

i give the credit to MrsHellOnHeels for introducing me to Stephanie's blog, and also for MrsHOH's generosity in having Stephanie re-design my blog, which i absolutely LOVE. thank you all for the kind compliments on the design.

i am truly humbled, and i cant stop saying "thank you" enough to MrsHOH and Stephanie. you ladies rock! *smile*

mike check...testing testing one two....

today i had an "audition" for this radio station that is for people who are blind or visually impaired. it's a volunteer on-air reading of newspaper articles, magazine articles and books. the name of the station is called CRIS Radio and they are affiliated with the Chicago Lighthouse for the Blind and Visually Impaired.

i used to be a pretty frequent reader, and i enjoyed reading aloud. however, once i was diagnosed with my illnesses, i gave it up, because i had no interest in anything i enjoyed anymore. now i find myself gradually regaining my enjoyment of the things i kicked to the curb, and since the weather is becoming more favorable, i think i will be getting out a lot more. i also got Paratransit certified from our transit company, the Chicago Transit Authority. the Paratransit Program is for disabled individuals who are otherwise unable to take the buses or the "El." you call and schedule a ride and a van with a wheelchair lift or ramp or car/taxi will pick you up and take you wherever you want to go for a $1.75, which can be paid in cash, or with the CTA's Full Fare Transit Cards, which come in a pack of 20 for $15.00. i got my certification letter in the mail with my ID number and should be getting my picture ID within 7-10 days. the picture ID has the ADA Paratransit Service logo as well as my ID number, and on my good days, i can still use it along with the transit cards or 30-day Reduced Fare Pass on fixed bus/"El" trains.

but i digress. the "audition" only took like, 15 minutes, where i had to read a list of "difficult" or words that are commonly mispronounced, and then a short paragraph of a newspaper clipping, to test enunciation, diction and clarity. afterwards, i got to schedule days to read. i chose Tuesday, April 18 from 2pm to 3pm, and Wednesday April 19 from 3pm to 4pm. i'm gonna try to commit to my schedule as i can, and the good thing about this station is that it's serving a good purpose for visually disabled people, or disabled folks who are shut-in and are not able to purchase newspapers or magazines. so i feel pretty good about this. it's a no-stress atmosphere, and one doesnt have to be experienced in radio to do it.

the station is also simulcast on our local public cable channels, and also on the Chicago Lighthouse's web page i've listed below:

www.thechicagolighthouse.org

this organization gives blind or visually impaired individuals a chance to live independently and provide them with visual assistance devices, such as special radios that pick up the CRIS signal, and other things. feel free to visit the website for even more information if you like.

anyways, that's the 4-1-1 for now. i am pooped and am going to lie down for awhile. peace.

nothing

sorry. i got nothing today.

still crazy after all these years

yesterday i was surfing the 'Net and was kinda bored, and a fella i went to school with was on my mind. i did a Google search and his name popped up.

i remember back in the day when i was a solemn teenage girl of 16, i used to be crazy about him. he was so fine, lawdhammurcy. he was brown skinned, wavy haired, and had the softest lips.

time passed and the last time i spoke to him was in 1980, a year after my oldest was born. he had moved to Mississippi where his mother lived, and he would always tease me about never smiling when i was in high school. plus he's a big ole flirt anyhow, and when i called him yesterday, man, we talked for like 3 hours, catching up on the times that have passed since we last spoke. he's married with 7 (yep you read it right - 7) children and the youngest is a year old. but then multiple kids run in his family. he's a councilman for the city of Columbus, Miss'sippi and also active in politics and ministry.

when i called, i was kinda skeptical about how our conversation was gonna flow, with him bein' a minister and all, and i thought, aw shit, i hope this cat dont be judging me and givin me hellfire and damnation, cuz i will just hang up and pretend i never called. but, i was pleasantly surprised when we got to talking and noticed that he still was a notorious flirt, and some of our conversation got a lil, um shall we say, naughty LOL

but it was fun cuz i was flirtin' right back at him and even read him some of my more erotic poetry. i think he got quite hot from me reading 'em and i kinda got a little heated m'self LOL

he said he was coming to Chicago around June of this year because his brother is having some kind of cardiac procedure at of all places Mercy Hospital (where i used to work). sometimes i think he's just being mannish cuz he has a kind of wicked laugh that kinda eases its way thru my body, like it did yesterday.

*shaking head and smiling* still crazy after all these years.

nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide

strange. i've only been back online for two days and i feel like hiding again. i have a desktop notepad journal with the same title as this blog, and had been writing in it while i was disconnected from the internet. it seemed like my writing came with a natural flow, where i could be as raw and as deep as i wanted.

maybe it's because nobody was reading it but me. not that i dont enjoy writing my thoughts and feelings out here, but in a way it's like, well, work.

sometimes i feel like what i write here makes no sense, or just a bunch of jumbled, scattered thoughts injected with wry humor at times. sometimes i feel like a blithering, blathering, whining old bag about my aches and pains, perimenopausal symptoms, and other scrambled, random shit. *sigh*

here it is 12:30 in the morning and i'm sitting here on my big fat ass typing shit i that i havent the slightest idea what it's about. maybe it's the meds; maybe it's just me, i dunno. i visit other blogs and they seem so much more interesting than mine. tho i love the new design of the blog, deep down inside i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and running away.

maybe i'm still stressed out from being on the go all last week. last Tuesday i was in the ER with my daughter who was having abdominal pain, and we were there a good six and a half hours. then i was on the go again the next day, going to the store to get some food and some $$$ from people i knew, then again the next day, same thing, then this past Saturday having to go grocery shopping only to find the store with wall-to-wall shoppers because we all get our food stamps on the first of the month, and everybody's trying to stock up with food to last until the 1st of next month.

and this is weird: i bought $192 worth of groceries, and it seems all i wanna eat is junk food - i bought some blue corn tortilla chips which were quite good, some of those "fun size" candies like Milky Ways, Snickers and Reese's cups. mind you i did buy actual food, but it's the sugar and salt cravings that have been fueling my gluttony.

i have loads of chicken, some steaks, greens, canned goods and other stuff. i even bought some EVOO (extra-virgin olive oil - i am a huge fan of Rachael Ray's "30 Minute Meals" show on the Food Channel) and some balsamic vinegar too. from watching shows like hers i mentally pick up cooking tips, and i decided to keep some E.V.O.O and balsamic vinegar on hand to make vinagrettes, or cook shrimp in the olive oil. but here's the thing -- i dont wanna cook! maybe cuz i cooked three days in a row and i just aint got the energy to be slingin pots and pans. i bought some prewashed mustard greens and i know if i dont cook 'em soon, they're gonna wilt and go bad. i have a lot of dinner ideas in my head, but when it comes to executing those ideas, the desire fizzles out.

and, here of late i have been glued to the Food Channel for some reason. as mentioned before, i love Rachael Ray, but i also love Paula Deen's "suhthun" cooking show, Iron Chef America, and quite a few others. maybe it's just watching them cook holds my attention and fascination or something, shit i dont know.

i dont know what's going on with me. i still feel like running away but it's kinda hard when there's nowhere to run to and nowhere to hide.

oh well. lemme find my bag of cheese tortilla chips...

living in confusion

that's about right. i am living in confusion. sometimes i dont know up from down, right from left, this or that. it's real fucked up when one is in that state (you might say a "blue" state...okay, that was a lame attempt at humor and it bombed, sue me)

even though here of late, i've been getting out more, and doing things i need to do and energy to do them (i guess thanks to the iron pills), i still feel like i'm going nowhere fast. i've made some changes; i opened a new bank account with a different bank, i FINALLY stopped talking to the homophobe bitch, and trying to do what i can as far as keeping my family's head above water. that should make me feel good, right?

*sigh* it's like i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop yanno? to some of y'all, those accomplishments sound great; however, to me it's like i'm on autopilot or something. i dunno...maybe that's a good thing, then again, maybe it's not.

so what is the problem? hell if i know. i just feel confused, discombobulated, like i'm not in my body or some shit like that.

maybe one day i'll figure it out...

junkfood junkie

i went grocery shopping this past Saturday because my cupboard was totally bare, and i got tired of seeing the one mouse that occasionally scurries thru my kitchen holding a picket sign with his union number saying "cruel and unusual torture! where the fuck is the food!"

i bought the usual things, but for some reason i wanted to just pig out on junkfood,i.e., potato chips, cheesy poufs (ala "South Park" LOL), nachos and candy. i know i'm not due for my period anytime soon, and i have enough stuff to make a decent dinner, but right now junkfood is my friend. i mean, i have chicken wings, boneless/skinless chicken breasts, and other stuff; yet my cravings for this non-nutritive stuff is gettin outta control (damn you Seroquel GRRRRRRR)

makes me think of the song "Pusher Man" from the movie "Super Fly" only i've changed the words around and called it "Junk Food Man." dig it....

i'm yo mama
i'm yo daddy
i'm that sto'
'cross the alley
i got what you need
chips or candy
nachos
wit da cheese
you kno' me
i'm yo friend
i'm yo buddy
to da end
i'm yo
junkfood man..."

this is a damn shame. i'm already big as a fuckin' house, yet all i wanna do is just gobble down chips, sammiches (peanut butter, salami and cheese) and nothing else. this is sick i know, to have weird cravings for nothin' but junk food (and FYI: NO I AM NOT PREGNANT!) *ahem*

now then. i was wondering if anyone else have had these cravings for only junk food....or am i just a lazy, fat douchebag who should go on a fucking diet? inquirin' minds wanna know.

meanwhile i'm going to eat one of my Reese's cups...

"Bloggus Interruptus"

hey everybody! i am SOOOO glad to be back online with my favorite people...the Blog Posse *grins* i have missed y'all soooooo much!!!!

unfortunately i was suffering from "bloggus interruptus" because -- well let's just say i had a bit of a snafu with my cable/internet bill. but it's been taken care of as of a few minutes ago, and hey, i'm back online!

again, many many many thanks to Bug (MrsHOH) for her wonderful gift to me. i am truly touched and humbled. i love you Bug! also to Stephanie (Mystickal Incense) for her talents in redesigning my blog. i thank you so much hon! Hugs!! (((((((((((((((Bug & Stephanie))))))))))

to the rest of the Posse....i'm glad we're friends and i'm glad to be back *smile*

new and improved blog design

i am simply overwhelmed with gratitude to Bug (MrsHOH) for her gift to me in getting a new look for my blog, and to Stephanie (Mystickal Incense) for the fantastic design! i love you both and words cannot express how happy this makes me. i am humbled by both of you for being so kind and gracious with your generosity and your time.

these wonderful things are making me see that there are still good, kind and true people in the world, and i thank you both for replacing the cynicism i have had towards humanity with hope and trust.

much much much love to you both. Bug, i hope you are feeling better hon! Stephanie, i wish i could hug you in person! you are extremely talented, and i cant stop thanking you enough!

peace blessings and love to the both of you!

standing in the shadows of nothing

once again i have nothing to say. so i will retreat into the shadows of nothing until further notice.

i'm so glad we had this time together.....

i'm going on a hiatus from blogging - FOR REAL this time. it has become very difficult to think of things to write about, and i guess you can call it "writer's block." plus there are some things going on right now that need my attention.

i cant say when i will be back or if i'm even gonna come back. i dont know. to all my friends in the Blog Posse, know that i love y'all and thank you all for your wonderful and kind comments you've left since i began blogging. like Carol Burnett used to sing "i'm so glad we had this time together" rather than say goodbye, i'll just say "see you later".

i couldnt have asked for a better group of people than you all. i bid you peace, blessings and a lot of love.

*tugs on right earlobe* see you later.

now what you hear is not a test.....

well i finally got up the nerve and decided to let y'all hear my voice *gasp!* yep, what you hear is not a test...it's me...however, if you find it boring, feel free to click on "Next Blog" at the top of the masthead...oh and BTW, i also did an audio post on my La Femme Erotique' blog. *grins*

and on that note, i am off to bed. sweet dreams and peace out *smooches*.

coming out of hiding just for today

yep. just for today i'm coming out of hiding. basically to thank those of you (you know who you are) for leaving such heartfelt and kind comments on my post about my dad. i could feel the love and compassion from you all, and again i thank you.

i think that maybe around May of this year i will probably shut down my blog. it's not set in stone, but i have been thinking about it a lot these days. though i enjoy writing, here of late i really don't have much to say. when it gets like that for me, it's usually a sign that it's time to go. i started this thing in May of last year, and at first i didnt think anybody would care to read it, but i see i was wrong. i have met some pretty wondeful people thru this blog, but as with all good things, they have to come to an end sometimes. then again, i might still keep the blog, but post sporadically - i dunno. right now i have mixed feelings about this, and perhaps i'm still hurting over the fact that today was a year ago i was on a Greyhound bus to South Carolina and this weekend i was at my father's grave saying goodbye.

i have a myriad of emotions going on in my heart and in my head, and i suppose the thoughts about shutting down this blog is somehow mixed in with these emotions. maybe once this weekend is over, i might think differently - who knows.

only time will tell where this will lead. oh well. back into the shell i go.

emotionally drained from previous post

i am very emotionally and mentally drained from the previous post. in between writing, i had crying spells to the point i didnt think i could go on; however, i did. going back into my memory bank and reliving certain moments that i'd almost forgotten about spent my little bit of energy for today.

i'm going back into hiding yet again. after today's painful walk down memory lane, i need time to heal - mentally and emotionally.


i thank you all for your kindness, friendship and concern. you know who you are.

remembering my dad - my hero

today, March 1, 2006 makes exactly one year my beloved father passed away.

remembering my dad, i go back to childhood. i remember as a little girl how i loved being with my daddy. i always wanted to go everywhere with him, and he would take me. he worked as an artist/cartoonist and a lot of times he'd take me with him. he'd let me play on the typewriters, and sometimes give me a piece of paper and a pencil and let me "draw."

my dad was born Eugene Franklin Rivers, Jr. on February 4, 1926 in Spartanburg, South Carolina, to Jeanette James-Rivers and Eugene F. Rivers, Sr. he received his education at South Carolina State University and the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston, Massachusetts. he was also a Navy veteran, worked for the muslim newspaper of the 60s thru the early 80s as first a cartoonist for the paper, then on to the graphic artist/layout and design editor and for a brief spell, editor of the paper. my dad was an extremely talented and intelligent man, and i give him mad respect. He and Mama married on July 25, 1957, and a year later in December 1958 i was born. i remember seeing pictures of Daddy holding me and playing with me. i think Mama was a tad jealous of the fact i wanted to be with my Daddy all the time instead of her. yes, i was a "daddy's little girl" for a long time.

my father was a good provider, a good and faithful husband and he never, ever raised a hand to my Mama. if anything, she'd be the one to start an argument, but no matter how mad he got, he did not raise his hand to my mother. NEVER. EVER. if i did something wrong, and Dad had to punish me, oh believe me, it was swift and sure, and by the next day he would say that he was sorry, but Mama was insisting that he do something. most of the time he would come in my room and ask me how i was and as i got older asked me how i was doing in school. unlike my Mama, who literally whupped my ass if i brought home a bad report card, Dad was a little bit more rational about it and would try to help me instead of slapping the shit outta me and calling me 'stupid'.

i remember one time i had math homework to do, and it was very hard and my mother had me up in the wee hours of the morning slapping me upside my head and snapping at me to do the work. my father came in the dining room where i was seated, crying, and told me to go to bed, it was late. Mama snapped, saying oh no, she's not going to bed until she finishes this work. Daddy yelled at her, let the child go to bed. why do you treat her like that, and so on. as soon as my head hit the pillow, i was out, yet i could vaguely hear Mama and Daddy still going at it. i didnt care. i was just glad to go to sleep.

in the mid 70s he and Mama separated, when i was about 17, i think. he moved down to his birthplace to be with his mother, my grandma Jeanette, who, at the time wasnt doing well. in 1980, Grandma Jeanette passed, and my dad decided to remain in South Carolina, much to the dismay of my Mama. while living in South Carolina, he worked for the Greenville News as the director of graphic arts. he worked there until his failing health would not allow him to continue on at the paper.

before my dad became ill, he would always call Mama and me to see how we were doing, and even sent money to us if we needed it. when Mama became ill with cancer the first time, he would always call me to ask how she was doing, and i would give him updates on her condition and praise me for taking good care of her.

my Mama went into remission for about 5 years, and yet he still called her on occasion when she was strong enough to talk to him. Mama was truly heartbroken that my dad had left, but being the strong woman that she was, she carried on until in early 1986 cancer once again struck her down, this time with a fatal blow.

my father would call Mama every day to see how she was, and when she had her good days, they would talk for hours, and for those brief moments she came alive. though she and my dad had divorced, he never stopped sending her money or flowers, and i knew there was a special bond between them that would never ever end.

June 17, 1987. mama quietly slipped away to Glory.

that night took every ounce of strength from me, and being pregnant didnt help at all. at that time my oldest daughter was a little girl and i took her to her grandma's room, with tears in my eyes, i told her her Grandma was gone to Heaven. she cried and cried and i held her in my arms and we cried together. she loved her Grandma so much and it took me a while to calm her down enough where she finally went to sleep.

the next day my Dad called and asked if i had made the funeral arrangements. i told him that i did. i could hear his voice breaking, as he told me he was sending a dozen red roses to be placed on the casket during the burial. i'm fighting tears now as i write these words.

on the day of the funeral, Dad called again, this time i heard the tears in his voice saying that he couldnt make it to the funeral, but he wanted to make sure the roses would be placed on the casket once we got to the cemetery. thru my own tears i told him that i told the funeral director his wishes and that it was taken care of.

the red roses were on top of the casket as my Dad had instructed me to have done. i started crying uncontrollably as the casket was lowered into the ground. i was ready to jump into that grave with her, 7-month pregnant belly and all. in August 1987, i gave birth to another precious daughter, just as my Mama predicted, and my baby was born with six fingers on each hand -- just like her Granny's. my Mama had "marked" my baby, as the old saying goes.

years passed, and by then i was working as a CNA (certifed nurse assistant) myself, and living on my own with my daughters. my Dad would always call to see how we were doing, and would talk to his grandchildren, and would send me money when i least expected it. Daddy never forgot my birthday, and when i would open the mailbox, there would be a gorgeous card and a check or money order for a nice amount. i would call him to thank him for his generosity, and would fill him in on the everyday goings-on with me and the girls. Daddy would always tell me how proud he was of me that i was keeping me and my girls close to me, and that he felt my Mama would be proud of me too. Daddy's words meant so much to me, and he would always give me positive encouragement when we talked. that's just they way he was.

again, as the years moved on, Daddy was sounding a lot weaker than normal. i would ask him if he was okay, was he eating, how his health was and so on. i could tell he was trying to hide the health problems that he was having, and reassured me that he was alright and not to worry about me. the first clue i had was when he told me he had macular degeneration in his eyes, and that he couldnt drive at night, and because he had been a graphic artist for years, it was getting to the point he said, that he couldn't see the words in print. that broke my heart, and i worried about him even more.

each time he'd call, his voice sounded a little more weaker, and then he told me that he was having Alzheimer's-like symptoms, where his memory was fading. again it broke my heart, and by this time i wanted to go down to South Carolina to see him, but during that time, i had had a nervous breakdown while i was at work, which threw me into a horrible depression, and my mental health went downhill from there. plus worrying about my Dad exacerbated it more.

in early 2004, when Daddy would call, i could hear the effects of the Alzheimer's in his voice; he would speak so low i barely heard him, and sometimes he was lucid; other times i couldnt make out what he was saying.

i called my sister Janet in Philadelphia and asked her had she been to see Dad, and she told me some very heartbreaking news. she said that Daddy had Parkinson's in addition to the Alzheimer's and that he was in pretty bad shape. i asked her if she would give me his lady friend Claudia's number and she did. i called Miss Claudia and asked her about my father. that's when she confirmed that he was not doing too well too. i asked if i could talk to him, and she handed him the phone. his voice was very very weak-sounding, and i started to cry, because it was hurting me that thisquiet, talented, noble man who always gave me encouragement and love, was deteriorating, and i desperately wanted to see him.

he recognized my voice for a brief moment, and then his voice started fading. at that time, i was in the partial hospital program for my own illnesses, and in late 2004, i was trying to find a way to go see him. also during this time, my oldest daughter was paying my rent for me, and i felt even more guilty because she already had her own problems, and i felt like a huge burden on her.

September /October 2004. i would periodically call Miss Claudia for updates on my Dad's condition. she would tell me it hadnt changed much, but that she was contemplating putting him in a nursing home because she couldn't take care of him anymore. she said he had become very frail, he was wearing Depends, and the Parkinson's was worsening and he was becoming more and more confused. in late December 2004, i called her again and she said he was in a nursing home. i was still in PHP, and i really wanted to go to S. Carolina to see my father. there was a lady who was also in the program, and when we were outside on a cigarette break, this kind lady told me whenever i was ready to go see my father, that she would give-not lend- give me the money to go to S. Carolina.

i was touched by her gesture, and she gave me her phone number and told me to call her when i was going to go, and what mode of transportation i was taking - which i told her was by Greyhound bus, and she said to call her with the amount of the round trip ticket and she would have the money for me.

i know some of y'all are not religious or even maybe spiritual, but i believe that lady was a blessing sent to me from the Creator. shortly after that, in January, 2005, i was still in the program, and the kind lady had left PHP. i was an emotional wreck, worrying about my dad. each time i called Miss Claudia for updates, she told me in late January '05, that my Dad was taking a turn for the worst. she told me that he'd stopped eating, was very very frail and weak, and his cognition was nearly gone. i cried that night, and then after a while i called the kind lady from PHP and told her i would need the money the next day because my Dad was not doing well at all. she asked me how much did i need, i told her the round-trip fare for the bus, and she told me she'd have it for me that next day because she had a doctor's appointment at the hospital's clinic. that next day as she promised, and after i had finished PHP for that day, i met her down in the main lobby of the hospital and she wrote out the check for my bus fare. with tears in my eyes, i thanked her and said i would pay her back and she waved me down, saying, no, that she was glad to do it and gave me a big hug and told me to have a safe trip. little did i know i would get the news that burst my heart into a million pieces.

February 4, 2005. my dad's 79th birthday. i called Miss Claudia at the nursing home where the staff was having a party for my father. i had sent a birthday card a week before his birthday, and i told her that i would be coming to see him very soon. on that day, she said he was doing a little bit better, that he was eating and even opened his eyes a little. i asked her if i could talk to him, and she said sure you can and put Daddy on the phone. i talked to him and sang "Happy Birthday" to him and told him i was coming to see him soon. he recognized my voice for a second or two, and then sadly his conversation started fading away. but i was thankful to at least to have spoken to him, for which i didnt know, was for the last time.

late February 2005. i was planning my trip for South Carolina and was checking out the bus schedules when the phone rang. it was Miss Claudia. she told me in a quavering voice, "your daddy's dying, baby. the doctors dont give him long. i'm so sorry." by then i had started crying and was saying "no! no daddy, please hang on! i'll be there as fast as i can get there!" and by then, i was weeping uncontrollaby. i cried til it felt like my heart would burst; i cried and got on my knees and begged God to please let him hold on til i got there; ironically, Luther Vandross' song "Can Heaven Wait" was playing on my computer and it was like the lyrics were speaking to me, and i cried even harder--soul shaking, body wracking, gut-wrenching tears. i cried down to the floor curled up like a baby, saying over and over, "daddy please dont leave me! please daddy, dont leave me!"

i'm in tears now as i reflect on that awful night. i nearly cried myself sick. this kind, noble, talented man who used to bounce me on his knee, who would buy me an ice cream cone and tell me not to tell Mama, who didnt flip out when i got pregnant at 19, who bought me a bicycle with training wheels, and showed me how to ride it with out them, who would get things for me when my Mama said no, who was there for me thru my worst times and my good times, was being taken away from me. with a wounded heart i cried.


March 1, 2005. i got the call that i had been dreading. Miss Claudia called and told me my Daddy had died. the tears started all over again, and i wept like my heart was being ripped from my chest. my daughters were there with me, and thru my tears, i told them that their Grampa had died. they gathered around me and hugged and held me, my youngest crying right along with me; my oldest shedding quiet tears. i was a total wreck, and i had to go to group the next day.

i went to group with a heavy heart, and told them my father had passed. the tears started up again, and i told the nurse and my social worker that i had to go out of town right away for my father's funeral. they were gracious and kind enough to give me my time away, and on the 3rd of March, i made my journey to Spartanburg, South Carolina to say good bye to my Dad. thru the trip i held up even though i wished i'd had enough money to have brought my children, but my oldest couldnt take time off because she had just started her new job, and she told me that she would look after her sister and keep the household going. before i left, she made me a CD with some music and gave me her CD player so i wouldnt feel so lonely on my trip. thankfully i had paid the rent and the bills, and bought food, so they wouldnt be hungry.

looking back on my dad's life, i looked up to him when i was little, feared him when he punished me, respected him for being the man he was, and loved him unconditionally. though my heart may be a little heavy today, i feel my Dad's spirit within my spirit, and i know he's still watching over me.

most of all, i know that my Daddy loved me.

Because You Loved Me
By Celine Dion
CodesAndLyrics.com

Voices, i hope you dont mind me using the same song as yours. dont worry i didnt steal it from you, i went to the site where you got it *grins*

just popping in with update from yesterday's doc visit

the return dr visit yesterday went okay. i found out that i have fibroids, which explain the heavy periods and clots, i'm a bit anemic, from losing all that blood each month, my cholesterol is elevated, and i'm going to be taking meds for that...and i'm going be put on another BP med. oh, and i have bronchitis on top of all of that. *sigh*

i find that when i write all my symptoms down it helps me remember the reason for my visits. i think the resident doc (a male) and my primary doc (a very nice Russian lady) seemed impressed that i knew and understood medical terminology, because the resident doc said to me, "this is very good," and took off with my list to show my primary doc.

but i digress. they gave me scripts for an antibiotic, to take care of the bronchitis, one for iron pills, to help with the anemia, and one for the cholesterol and blood pressure. unfortunately i didnt have the $3 co-pay for the cholesterol and BP meds (Lipitor and Norvasc), but i will get them when i get my direct deposit. then the lady doc told me she will have me seen by a Gyn doc regarding the fibroids. i told her that i didnt want HRT (hormone replacement therapy) because i smoke, and i'm trying to quit (actually cut down to the point where i stop altogether), so she told me that perhaps a hysterectomy might be needed, and i did not have a problem with that. i was blessed with two beautiful daughters, and i am DONE with making babies - i got my tubes tied shortly after my second daughter was born, so i really dont have anymore use for my uterus. if it stops the monthly misery, hey, i'm all for it. oh yeah, and after i finish my antibiotics, i have to come back for a chest X-ray too to see if there's any further damage to my lungs.

anyways, i just thought i would give y'all the 411 on the doc visit. i'm going back into hiding now. blessings and love to you all.

going back into hiding

sorry all. i am going back into hiding. i'm battling a nasty cold AND my monthly misery and i just dont have anything remotely interesting to say.

please dont worry about me. take care of yourselves, okay?

peace.

this is my daughter - Happy Birthday Sweetheart!

on this day, 27 years ago, during the Blizzard of 1979, i gave birth to a beautiful and precious baby daughter, whom i love dearly.

i named her Aqueelah, which, in Arabic means "intelligent" and Na'eemah, which means "beautiful."

she has been thru her share of hurt, pain, disappointment and heartbreak, yet, in spite of it all, she still shines like the brightest star in the Universe. she is indeed very intelligent, very beautiful, smart, has a warped sense of humor just like her mama, and has been there for me countless times. she graduated with High Honors from high school, got her AA degree from junior college and her Bachelor's from DePaul University, again with High Honors. she is my firstborn, and today is her birthday.

Happy Birthday sweetheart. Mommy loves you so very much *smile*

what becomes of the brokenhearted

i just dropped in for a minute to thank all of you who have left such kind comments. i'm not deserving of such kindness...and right now the tears have come from nowhere and i cant stop them.

i think i know why i'm slowly slipping into the dark pit. on the 1st of next month will make one year that my father slipped away from me and went Home to be with God and my mother.

i promise i wont keep whining about it. right now all i can hear in my mind is the song "Can Heaven Wait" by the late Luther Vandross, and each lyric of the song rips my heart to shreds...

and then the tears start falling again.............

going into hiding

this is gonna be my last post for awhile. sometimes i get tired of thinking of things to write about, without sounding redundant, or like i'm steadily repeating myself...duh, that's what redundant means *slaps forehead - sigh* or posting meaningless drivel about a whole lot of nothing.

right now, i am in a very down mood, and i also have some dire personal issues that need my attention. it's hard to focus on writing when that is weighing heavy on my mind. i appreciate everyone who i have had the pleasure of making friends with here in Blogland. please dont worry about me -- take care of yourselves. i'll be okay.

i just need some time to sort out my thoughts and reasons why i always seem to self-sabotage myself -- especially financially. i thank all of you who have left comments -- y'all are a wonderful group of people and it's comforting to know i'm not alone in my thinking sometimes.

tomorrow i see my T and P-doc. maybe while i'm talking to my T i can release some of the anxieties i have and other shit that's been on my mind. i feel very blessed to have come to know you all and it is my sincerest hope and prayer that one day we who suffer will finally be freed from the shackles of mental illness.

until then, i bid all of you peace, blessings, love and Light.

nobody cares about you when you're down and out

i'm sitting here in my dark kitchen typing these words, yet i feel nothing. i might as well be brutally honest here -- i am in a financial bind yet again. when i went online to check my checking account balance, well, let's just say it aint pretty.

i have been trying to get thru to some of my family, namely my brother and sister, and of course, with my luck, nobody's available, or the number has been disconnected. and the fees are adding up every day. luckily all my bills are paid so that at least gives me some comfort; however, i want to get rid of that ugly overdraft before the 3rd of next month; otherwise i will be truly screwed.

i'm tired of pretending like everything is just peachy when i know it aint. one can only keep up the charade for so long, until reality comes to bite you in the ass. and right now, it's taken a huge chunk outta my ass.

it's like i said...nobody cares when you're down and out. that's been the story for me my entire life, and i'm playing the hand that i've been dealt. oh well.

Doc visit went well

well i made it thru my doctor's appointment. only thing is the lady doc i was supposed to see is going to be leaving from what i learned of the male doc who saw me today. no matter. i gave him my list of symptoms, pains and whatnot and i think he was impressed that i had some medical knowledge because i used to work there.

he upped my BP meds because my pressure was ugly high - 160/200, and of course he told me i gotta lose weight because he said that was a factor of my knees being shot to shit (he didnt say it like that LOL). he measured my height and weight - i'm 5 feet 1 inches short LOL; but when he told me my weight i nearly fainted - i weigh 276 pounds - damn, i knew i had put on weight but good God, i didnt know exactly how much! so i'm short and fat. aint nuttin' new. i aint never been a size 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, or 12; mostly 14 from teenager until i had my first child, then it went downhill from there; after the second child, it REALLY went downhill with the quickness.

but, he was nice about it and i go back to the clinic on the 23rd for more bloodwork, including thyroid function, an ultrasound to see if i have fibroids which make me bleed buckets every freakin' month; and another X-ray of my right knee, and probably an MRI too. so they are gonna give me a THOROUGH workup. including *sigh* helping me to quit smoking. with the gum - YUCK. i remember when i was first hospitalized the nurse slapped a patch on me, which later broke me out in a hideous rash, and then she gave me the gum *yucccccccccccccck* i nearly puked chewing that shit. the doc wrote a script for the gum, and added "give patient gum that tastes good" ROFL -- this is gonna be interesting to say the least.

i had made sure i'd listed all my psych meds and he was nice enough to offer to refill em if i needed, but since i just refilled them, i politely told him i was good with those. i go online and refill them at Walgreen's website. they e-mail me when my meds are ready for pickup and all i have to do is get on the bus and ride up there and if i have no copay, just pick 'em up and go.

he also wrote me a script for a generic version of Zantac, because i've been having reflux-like episodes that seem to happen in the middle of the night, and sometimes make me hurl. the BP meds are the same but at a higher dosage. i'm gonna get my mammo and Pap too. so i'm covering all the bases. it's been a long time since i had a thorough physical -- my old doc would just breeze in, check my vitals, and ask if a need refills of my BP meds. plus i had to make a $2 copay. so that's why i chose the hospital clinic. if i need tests done, i'm already there and dont have to have a referral and NO CO-PAY. Medicaid covers pretty much everything. so i have my medical doctor and T and P-doc all in one place.

and speaking of P-doc and T, i see them back-to-back this coming Friday. my medical doc is aware of my mental illnesses too.

anyway, that's the 4-1-1 on the doctor visit today. i am truly pooped and i think i'm gonna lie down for a while. it's been a long day. i've already taken two of my 800mg ibuprofen tabs to dull this throbbing pain in my right knee, cuz i've been on it all day and i've had to put all my weight on the left leg, and it's starting to cry in pain too. did i mention the doc wants to do a neuro check to see why i'm having this pins-and-needles numbness in my hands? no? well, consider it mentioned LOL

damn. it's literally taken me 47 years to finally see about my physical health. but i suppose better late than never. i've been so busy trying to maintain my sanity that i've completely neglected my body's health. oh well. i made a start today, so i suppose that counts for something, huh?

new medical doc visit today

well today i visit my new med doc. i've already taken my bath and gotten dressed, which seemed like it took forever, but i did it. i'm just sitting here typing out this stuff and letting my pores completely close before i head out. it's pretty cold out and i didnt wanna just jump right out of the tub and hurriedly throw my clothes on and go out the door. besides, my right knee is killing me and i took my time putting on socks and shoes.

before i head to the clinic, i'm gonna take back some of the items i bought yesterday to be re-credited to my card. i realize some of it was impulsive behavior and i really got to stop that. once i'm done with that, then i'll settle down on the bus for the long ride to the clinic. luckily i take one bus going and one coming back so it's a straight shot to and from.

i'm gonna ask the doc if she could do an MRI of my knee, as well as get a neuro consult, for the "pins and needles" sensations in my fingers, legs and feet. i already had the bloodwork done, and it was good; however, i need to get my mammogram and Pap done too.

damn. i just remembered....getting the Pap would mean having to heist my legs in those stirrup thingys and i can hardly bend my right knee as it is...fuck fuck fuckkkkkk. as for the "mashed pa-ta-tas" oh yeah, that should be fun - having to put my ta-ta's on a cold steel ledge and then having it mashed down by an even colder doohickey...oh yeah...fun fun fun...NOT!

no disrespect to those ladies who are, um, less endowed, but i'm just curious...how do you all get mammo's? i have always been quite curious about that. the remainder of us in the BTC (big titty committee) have to endure having our "girls" mashed down like somebody just stepped on 'em - *grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr hiss hiss*

ah the joys of being female...*phbbbbt!*

if my foot was long enuf, i'd kick my own ass!

*whew* i am pooped! went out earlier to pick up some stuff i didn't get at the beginning of the month -- basically personal items like toothpaste, TP, dish soap, detergent, bath soap and anitbacterial hand soap for the bathroom. i went first to the Family Dollar store and got some of the items, then i went up to Walgreens.

if i could, and my foot was long enuf i would kick my own ass. mind you, i went to Walgreens just to get a couple loaves of bread and some smokes (i had coupons for them) and go. did that happen? oh nooooooooooooooo. i wound up getting two loaves of bread, a $1 bottle of antibacterial hand soap for the bathroom, 4 bars of Dove soap - 2 for sensitive skin and 2 unscented - a bag of Riceland rice, 4 rolls of TP and 2 packs of Kotex (gawd i will be SOOOOOOO glad when i wont have to buy those fuckers no more, except for my 18 year old), and then my cig coupons were like $2 off any 3 packs of my brand, and $1 off any 2 packs of my brand. when everything was all rung up it came to $65 and some change! good lord. i had just paid my credit card bill, now i'm back down to zip *sigh*.

but i needed those items and yeah for all of y'all who arent smokers i know what y'all gonna say--did you really need 5 packs of cigs? no, but when i have coupons, heck, i may as well use em. i still got 2 coupons for $5 off a carton of my brand (Virginia Slims Menthol Lights 100s) and i'm holding on to em nyah! *sticks out tongue*

at the Family Dollar, i got the toothpaste, two big bottles of dish soap (Palmolive with Bleach), a 2 liter of ginger ale, a cheese grater for $1, a spatula (also $1), a small bottle of detergent - $1.45, some undies for my daughter - one set for $2 and the other for $3, not bad huh? all of that came to about $22 and some change. that wasnt too bad. when i got on the bus with all my stuff, i thought i had pulled the stopcord for my stop, but apparently the driver didnt hear it and the next thing i know i'm a block up from my stop. that pissed me off. luckily i had my cell phone with me, and i called home and told my daughter and her boyfriend to meet me and help me with all the stuff i had. they came and god was i grateful. i let them go on ahead while i hobbled behind.

once we got to the house i plopped down in this chair, totally pooped. my right knee is screaming in pain and i'm gonna take 2 of my 800mg ibuprofen tablets to take it down to a dull roar. i was gonna cook, and i still might, but right now, i need to rest. i swear, didnt intend to get all that shit, but it's like it never fails -- you go in the store for one thing -ONE and come out with twenty. and i was trying so hard to keep some $$$ on my credit card, but that notion quickly went south. i swear, if i didnt really need those items, i wouldn't have gotten 'em. so y'all please dont bitch me out...a mama's gotta do what a mama's gotta do. and i dont wanna become dependent on my daughters all the time. call it pride, but that's just the way i am. i appreciate my daughters and my youngest's boyfriend for helping out around the house and doing the cooking, but i'm supposed to be cooking, cleaning and whatnot. and i do what i can when i have the energy. but sometimes, it gets to be overwhelming and i completely shut down.

and on that note, lemme get up offa my big ass and commence to cooking, cuz i'm hungry.

peace love and blessings to all of you. dont worry. i'mma be a'ight *smile*

an emotional day - mentally and physically

made it to my T appt today and i was on time. thankfully the sidewalks were cleared enough so i could walk, albeit painfully, towards the bus stop that takes me to the clinic. the clinic is part of the hospital so i dont have to go out of my way to see my T and Pdoc.

it was a very emotional session. i told my T about my near-suicidal notion and as we got to talking, he asked me what triggered it and i told him that this past Saturday would have been my dad's 80th birthday and how much i missed him. we talked about what kind of man he was, how he was always there for me even though we were separated by distance, and how it hurt me to my core when i learned that he was dying. by that time the tears started and, holding myself i cried like a baby, deep, racking, body-shaking tears.

this doctor is so patient and kind and that only made me cry even harder. thru my tears i told him next month will make a year that my dad passed and i told him how awful i felt that i didnt get to South Carolina in time to hold his hand and kiss him good-bye. my doctor let me cry as long as i had to and as the tears fell, my heart was breaking into a million pieces as i told him how totally devastated i was when i got the call that he passed away, and how i had to put myself on auto-pilot as it were to hurry and get to South Carolina for the graveside funeral. he asked what state of mind i was in and i told him though i was grieving, i found strength within to make my journey there and back. so that was the mentally emotional part of my day. after my session i hobbled over to the ER.

once i got there, the nurse immediately took me to a room and had me put on a gown and helped me to the bed. she took my vitals and once i got settled in, she told me the doc would be in shortly. since i was already mentally wiped out, i lay back and dozed off for a minute. by that time the ER doc came in and i showed her my list of symptoms. she then told me that she was gonna order blood work have the nurse give me a shot for pain, and get an X-ray for my leg and knee.

not long after the doc left, one of the transporters came to get me and took me to Radiology for the X-ray. that went fairly well, and then he brought me back to my room. then the nurse came in and put an IV line in and drew my blood. it amazes me that only a couple of years ago i was doing blood draws on patients and i tried my best to be as gentle as possible. but it's a whole different ball game when it's being done to you.

so she got her three tubes of my blood (she drew from my hand, good God it hurt like hell) and then came back and gave me a pain shot in my shoulder. geez, my pain tolerance must be dwindling because that damn shot HURT like a muthafucka! but after a while, the pain (of the shot) went away and even my old knee relaxed for a bit. so i hung out in my room until i started getting antsy because i wanted to go and have a smoke. i put on my pants and coat and as i was walking to the door i saw the doc and told her i was goin on a smoke break and would be back. she smiled and waved me ahead and out the door i went. while outside, i saw where my daughter had called and i called her back. we talked for a bit and then i went back inside.

after waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the doc and nurse came in with my discharge papers. the doc told me that from the X-rays she saw some deteriroration in my knee joint that she said comes from advancing age (shit, like i needed somebody to tell me i'm OLD for shit's sake!), and my blood work was fine so i should go ahead and follow up with my primary doc on Monday. then she wrote out a script for the same pain med i'd gotten the shot with, and then the nurse took out, or should i say yanked out the IV line and slapped some gauze and tape on it and left.

apparently she didnt apply enough pressure to the vein because when i looked down at my hand blood was spurting like i'd been stabbed. since the curtain was closed and i had access to gauze and tape, i swiped some 4x4's and with all my strength, clamped down on that oozing vein, until the flow stopped. by then there were little dots of blood on the floor, the sink and the chair. i swiped a bottle of peroxide to absorb the blood on the floor and whatnot, then re-gauzed and taped my hand. i hurried up and finished dressing and walked out the door and headed for the bus stop to wait for the bus to take me home. i was drained totally by then. i did make one last stop at the Walgreens on 51st and Cottage Grove to buy me and my daughter some cigs, and THEN i finally rode on home. i was too tired to fill the script, but i have a ginormous bottle of 800 mg ibuprofen tabs i can take for pain.

so that's been my day. i've made a meat loaf and now i'm gonna make some Stove Top stuffing and that will be it for me. it's been quite a day and i will be glad to finally lay these old bag of bones down in my bed, take my bedtime meds and wait for sleep to kick in. i appreciate all of y'all who were concerned about me; no need to worry. i'm gonna be okay *smile*

T appointment tomorrow

tomorrow i have my appointment with my therapist. *sigh* it snowed earlier today so that means i'm gonna have a hellafied time walking to the bus stop in the morning, less alone putting my boots on because my feet and ankles are so swollen. after i see the T, i will hobble down to the ER and let them take a look at me, and let them know how much pain i've been in for the last 2 weeks.

also earlier today i kept Scootie Bug. he's crawling now and he reminds me of that little doll "Baby Thataway" LOL also he's a feisty lil guy, and he's got three toofeses in his lower jaw and a tooth peeking thru the upper gums. and he'll be 1 year old the 27th of this month *smile*

he wore me out good today LOL -- i could hardly keep up with him and now that he's getting older, he's fighting his naps. but all in all he's a sweet baby and any chance i can have to keep him or watch him i take it.

anyways, that's all for now. the new episode of "Law and Order" is coming on and i need to lie down anyway, cuz i been up on this bum leg too much already.

peace love and hairgrease y'all.