it's happening again. the dissociation, the "spacing out" -- next stop "The Twilight Zone." i dont know why this happens to me from time to time. it's like i can be doing something, and then it's like all of a sudden i stop, zone out for a few minutes, rock back and forth if i'm sitting, and then i come back to reality. it's weird.
lately i havent really had the desire to go out of the house unless i absolutely have to, like to pick up my meds from Walgreens, or go to a T/pdoc appointment. other than that, i just dont have a burning desire to be around people. sometimes when i am out, i dont feel like i'm "all there"-- it's like i'm looking at myself from the inside out....i see myself doing things that i have to do while i'm out, but it's like my body is there but my mind isnt. i dont feel particularly depressed, if anything, i feel flat, for lack of a better word. i mean, if something is funny, i'll laugh, but then just as quickly as i laugh, i turn flat again. i am not angry about anything in particular, that mood passed real quick when Miss Homophobe decided to end our friendship. then again, maybe i am still slightly angry, but i'm controlling it by deliberately blocking it out of my mind, which maybe is causing me to dissociate. shit i dont know.
my routine every day is thusly: i wake up, go to the bathroom, take my AM meds, have my morning cigarette, and sit my fat ass right here in front of this computer smoking, reading and posting comments to my favorite blogs i've bookmarked, or playing web games like Cubis, Bejeweled, Square Off, Spongebob Squarepants Collapse, or web word games. sometimes i forget to eat, and when i do decide to eat, it's like my body really doesnt want the food. strange.
it's like my whole life existence is this computer, and i could really care less about the outside world. the winter season doesnt bother me, so it's not SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder); in fact staying indoors now that the snow is on the ground gives me a strangely comforting feeling.
like now, i'm sitting here typing these words, but i feel like i'm on auto-pilot. my mind is functioning, but i think at a lesser level than before. it's like i'm rotely typing these words, and hoping that it's making sense. while i'm typing, i'm sitting in the chair rocking back and forth as i type. in a minute i'm liable to just stop typing, and stare off into space for a few minutes because my brain will run out of diatribe to type...like now...................................................and i'm back.
i mean i should be happy that i'm trying to straighten out my financial situation by switching banks for my direct deposit, and getting brand new checks, and also catching up on some bills that were out of hand. yet this gives me no sense of satisfaction of happiness. again, it's like i'm doing things rotely, mechanically, robotlike....i cant explain it.
fading to black................*cue "Twilight Zone music*.
8 comments:
Among other things, you've just been laid off your job. That's going to hurt, bipolar or no bipolar.
Just watch yourself carefully for the Signs.
Miz E, I am there for you! I have had episodes of spacing out, especially at my job.
I have also not wanted to go out of the house unless I HAVE to. I just sit my flat ass at the computer or on the couch in my robe. Part of not going out is that I have to save money on gas since I am unemployed but 99% is I just don't feel like doing shit!
The only thing I managed to do today is my laundry because I wore my last pair of clean underwear. Shit, I could go el commando. I mean really who is going to look at me in my house.
I do hope at some point that I will want to go out and experience life. I would like a man. Let's face itnow I am so socially sysfunctional its crazy.I can always hope can't I?
Read your erotica story and left a comment.
Please take care. I hope things will get better for both of us soon.
((((((Miz E))))))
I know the dissociation thing all to well (then again maybe it would be more correct to say that I'm becoming more aware of it when it happens). I hope you are able to come back into yourself soon.
Maybe Joel has a point. You have experienced some pretty major stuff lately, with losing Scootie Bug and with what happened with Miss Homophobe. I dunno. Dissociation is still a mystery to me too.
Joel: yeah. i am glad i recognize "the signs" now. thanks for you concern. (((((((((Joel))))))))
Marie: thank you hon. i appreciate your concern too. we're gonna get thru this
(((((((((((Marie)))))))))))
Kym: thanks for bringin me up to speed. i had forgot about not keeping Scootie Bug and the drama with Miss Homophobe. today would have been my mother's 83rd birthday, so all of this combined together i guess is making me dissociate...but i'm gonna beat it.
thank you for your concern
((((((((((((Kym))))))))))))
p.s. even if it's for a few hours, i get to keep Scootie Bug bcuz his mommy has to go to the unemployment office today *smile*
Oh the joy of the dreaded, med induced, "Zombification." (Is that a word, If not I just made it up!).
I know the disassociation feeling well. It's hard to do regular tasks when you feel like you are flying out of your body like a kite. Barely anchored at all by a thin string...swinging back and forth.
I don't leave the house either...leaving the house hits any number of triggers so I just stay home. I think we need to be easier on ourselves for doing this. After all, if it keeps us alive then so be it.
Bloggin' is a great way to still have contact with the outside world without having to step out too much and risk panic or anxiety attacks.
James: i like that word "zombification"! it describes to a tee EXACTLY what goes on when we take the "zombie meds"
i agree with you...if being out in the world flares up our triggers, like you said, if it keeps us alive, so be it.
you are so right about bloggin'...wonderful way to remain in contact with the outside world.
and THANK YOU for being such a good friend!
Ms P: yep. that's why i write damn near every day, because if i dont, my one functional brain cell will short out, and like a computer with a virus, i'll crash.
thanks for the hugs, girl. backatcha!
(((((((((((((Sandi)))))))))))
been feelin' it to, babe
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