if y'all look at the sidebar on the right side at the bottom of my blog where my Bi Pride flag is, there is an avatar i created on my Yahoo page. it's about as close to what i look like. i'm short and plump and i do i wear glasses, but the frames aren't dark-rimmed; however, the face, skintone and hair and eyes are pretty much on point. i guess that particular avatar is supposed to be "full figured" LOL.
on a more serious tone, friday after next i will turn 47 years old. it's been said that "life begins at 40" and the 40s are supposedly the "prime" of a woman's life. well, whoever said that should be me for a day and they'd find out that it aint what it's cracked up (pardon the pun) to be.
when i first turned the big 4-0, i was a pretty outgoing woman. i had energy, i had stamina, and there wasnt a Saturday night that would find me at home. instead, i'd be out, looking as good as i could possibly look, and shakin' my groove thang up in da club. i was able to have my favorite drink, Malibu rum and pineapple juice, and once i got the buzz, it was on like a pot of neck bones. i would literally be a dancin' fool and could hang all night until the place started puttin' folks out. i would also go and perform spoken word poetry at my favorite poetry cafe' on the regular, and pretty much stayed on the move.
so what the hell happened? for those of y'all who are old enough to remember the show "Lost in Space" with The Robot and Dr. Smith, well, whenever the Robot pissed off Dr. Smith, he'd yank off the Robot's power pack. well, that's how i feel. like somebody yanked off my power pack and tossed it into Lake Michigan. i look at myself in the mirror, and what looks back at me is a puffy-faced, nicotine-stained lipped, redheaded sheep's ass haired, dark circle eyed shell of who i once was. and i hate it.
most people would say "well, you need to get out of the house". yeah. right. news flash: i dont have the MOTIVATION less alone the desire to get out of the house unless it's absolutely necessary -- meaning when my monthly check hits the bank, i have to go out and get a money order for my rent (luckily i changed banks and i can get money orders for free at this bank), buy a 30-day reduced fare bus pass, and if i need some personal items, or have to pick up my med refills, then it's a ride up to Walgreens, where if i have some money left, i 'll buy a pack of generic cigarettes (Misty Menthol Lights are as good as Virgina Slims Menthol Lights, but a dollar or so cheaper), or if i have a T and/or pdoc appointment. that's IT. sometimes i dont even have the motivation to go downstairs and check the mailbox. i'll sit here in front of this computer, smoke, and surf blogs or the Internet itself, until it's time for my bedtime meds. i will take them, shut down my computer and flop onto my mattress on the floor and watch TV until my eyes start glazing over. get up the next day and do it all over again.
prime of my life? HELL.NO. if anything i feel like a prime washout. these lyrics from this Ashfore & Simpson song fits the mood i'm in....
"It Seems To Hang On"
is it daylight
i cant tell no more
never had this condition
before....
everywhere i turn
it seems to hang on
everyting i do
it seems to hang on
was i mistaken
about you
lemme give
you some ideas
it aint just the tears
the fact of it is
(chorus)
i cant go nowhere
i cant be the same
i dont know my name
i cant understand
just why....
it seems to hang on
wasnt i clever
as only i could be
then tell me
what's happening?
what's bothering me?
aside from dreams
i have
nothing else exists
(repeat chorus)
like a snowball
rollin down a hill
i look behind me
it's there still
oh like a shadow
it follows...me
(repeat chorus)
loose me!
loose me!
loose me, please!
(repeat chorus)
i cant shake it
i cant shake it
like a snowball
rollin down a hill
i look behind me
it's there still...
(bridge)
loose me!
loose me!
loose me! please!
please! please!
i cant go nowhere
i cant be the same
i dont know my name
i cant understand why...
it seems to hang on....
was it love
wont let go
what's happening?
it takes me round
and round and round
it seems to hang on...
wont leave me alone.....(repeat chorus and fade)
from album "Is It Still Good To Ya" (c) Capitol Records, 1979.
6 comments:
Hey lady,
I cannot relate on the age thing. I don't turn 30 till next summer.
But I'd love to see a pic of the real MizzE!
I do feel the same lack of motivation, and like Maggs, I don't turn 30 until next year.
Mind over matter.
Maggs: one day i'll post a pic of me so everybody can have a good laugh LOL
Dan: both you and Maggs are lucky y'all are still youngsters. i wish i could be 30 again, only minus the lunatic pedophile that was my 2nd ex-husband.
Wow. Like the glasses!
I'm about to turn the big 4-0 in 2 yrs. I don't mind growing older, because I secretly long to be a grandmother some day, but I don't believe life starts at any age. It does suck ass big time that we've gotten ill as we've aged. For one of my disorders, borderline, supposedly it's supposed to lessen in your 30's & 40's and mine just keeps getting worse the older I get.
I agree with the whole battery thing and yes, I'm old enough to remember Lost in Space. Maybe mine is lying at the bottom of Lake Michigan right next to yours. I miss the whole going out, dancing and do whatever til the sun came up, but yet doubt I could get myself to leave the house to do such a thing nowadays.
I know the journal I sent you won't get you out of the house more, but maybe as time goes by, that could be one of your "action items". Even if it's just to sit outside and watch the snow fall or to listen to the birds when spring rolls around.
Take care of you Genelle!
Hugs,
Sid
Joel: thanks!
Sid: yeah it sucks major ass when the older you get the worse our illnesses get too.
i will definitely use the journal as an "action item" when i do go out of the house for the things i mentioned in my post. and yep, during the spring (ha, you know Chicago dont have no spring; we go right into summer LOL), i do usually like to sit out on the balcony and watch the birds and people too.
thanks ever so much again
and you take care of yourself too!
Hugs ((((((((Sid))))))))
genelle
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