birthday update

well, once again, thanks to Sid and Princess, i went out last night and had a good time. thankfully the place wasnt crowded, and three nice ladies bought me some O'Doul's non-alcoholic beers ( i still got a little buzzed tho LOL). i dressed in black with my killer leopard boots, purse and belt, and if i must say myself, i think i looked damn good *smile*

my Capricorn guy friend came down and hung out with me, and i shared my beers and smokes with him. he was depressed because his g/f had found another man, and he had went over to her house to get the swerve on, and got his feelings hurt. oh well. shit happens. with all the carousing and shit he did on her i just say payback is a muthafucka.

i dont know if i have an invisible label on me that says, "all losers can dance with me" but this one guy, who reminded me of one of the "Sopranos" *shudders* insisted i dance with him. i did, and i had to keep stepping back because he was trying to push all up on me and i hate when men do that. then he came over to where i was sitting in the corner and still tried to kick game to me. i nodded like i was truly interested *insert yawn here* and finally eased away. it's for that kind of shit that makes me not want to go out -- it never fails -- it's always some horny old fart that wants to step to me.

anyways, the joint is having a New Year's Eve party -- but i aint going, because i know the old fart drunks will be on the prowl and i aint havin it. my oldest daughter is going to come over later and we are going to order Chinese takeout and watch some movies, since it's gotten so damn cold out. yep, the dinner downtown got scrapped because we both were just not up to being downtown where the cold winds blow across the lake. plus, a "Law & Order SVU/CI" marathon is on USA channel, and if i had been smart, i could have been taping them *duh*.
but it's all good. it continues on into the new year, so i'm cool with that.

so that's that. i wish everyone a peaceful, prosperous, healthy and happy New Year.

Kwanzaa Principle #6 - Kuumba (Creativity)

since we are heading towards the end of the year, today's Kwanzaa Principle is Kuumba - Creativity.

being creative doesnt always neccesarily mean having artistic talent -- creativity comes in many other forms -- creativity in one's homelife, in one's thinking and also in just day-to-day living. and those of us who suffer mental illnesses have to find positive ways of expressing our creativity -- because we DO possess it -- in ways that will not be detrimental to us. the most popular ways of creativity is thru some form of the arts, be it artwork, sculpture, crafts, writing, singing, and so forth. in fact there are historical people who suffered from mental illness that were brilliant -- the tragic example of Vincent Van Gogh, the famed Edgar Allan Poe, the zany Jim Carrey, the no-nonsense Mike Wallace, and of course, John Nash.

in the New year, let's all combine our respective creative energies together in a positive way.

Kuumba - Creativity.

plans changed due to shitty weather - grrrrrrrr

well due to the shitty weather we are currently having now, my daughter and i decided this would not be a good day to be downtown. it's sleeting like mad out and later on it's supposed to snow - between one and three inches - grrrrrrrrrrrr. but it's all good. we are going to go tomorrow (weather permitting - grrr). besides, my baby is being visited by "Aunt Flo" and i certainly understand that feeling when old "Flo" is dishing out her monthly misery.

however, she told me that she got me the boxed set of the first season of "Law and Order Criminal Intent" WOO HOO!!!! she knows i'm a die-hard "L&O" fan and she said she was gonna try to find the "L&O SVU" boxed set too. yay!!!!

so all is not lost. i'm still gonna go out with my godson tonight and if these old bones will allow me, shake my groove thang LOL.

thanks to all my Blogger friends for the birthday wishes. i appreciate each and every one of you!

this is scary...i love black nail polish!

Your Nail Polish Color is Black

How you're unique: There's nothing about you that isn't unique! Why your style rocks: You are a total indie chick... and you can pull it off! What this color says about you: "I'm a trendsetter and don't care what anyone else is doing!"

http://www.blogthings.com

who u callin a pig???????

ok i know it's my birthday and i'm gonna go out to eat but to insult me like this is just plain foul LOL

these "word verifications" get weirder every day......this must've been what one drunk said to the other and the guys from Blogger recorded it LOL

Happy Birthday to me -- and Kwanzaa Principle #5 - Nia (Purpose)

well it's offical y'all. yep. i'm an old bag LOL. at 6:15 pm i will be "offically" 47 years old. my oldest daughter is going to take me out to this fancy Cantonese restaurant that she and her boyfriend frequent downtown off Michigan Avenue. i'm going to taste Peking Duck for the first time....i just hope i dont come away quacking LOL. she also has another surprise for me, so i guess i just have to wait and see *waaaaaaaaaa* ok whine moment over LOL --- damn, in 3 years i'll be 50. oh well. i thank the Creator that i made it this far--bad knees and all LOL

this is also the fifth day of Kwanzaa Nia - meaning "purpose"
for those of us who are recovering from mental illness, our purpose, in order to stay on the path of recovery, is to be med-compliant, make sure we maintain open communication with our therapists and p-docs, and if it gets to a point where we feel ourselves starting to relapse, we must seek IMMEDIATE emergency help....because the life you save may be YOUR OWN.

Nia - Purpose

i hope that i'm not boring anyone...

with daily postings of the Seven Principles of Kwanzaa, i certainly hope that it is not boring, nor am i trying to "convert" anyone with Kwanzaa. it is simply a holiday that holds great meaning for me and i share it with everyone who is curious about it, regardless to your ethnic background, and i also encourage you to feel free to click on the link of "The Official Kwanzaa Website" for more detailed information, at your leisure. i do appreciate all who have left comments - thank you sooooo much!

it is my sincere wish that the New Year will hold prosperity, peace, peace of mind, positivity and happiness to those of us here in Blogland who are afflicted with psychiatric illnesses. it is my wish that one day we will be free from the shackles of these illnesses and be able to function as we did before we were diagnosed.

peace blessings and love to you all.

Kwanzaa Principle #4 - Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics)

Today's Kwanzaa principle is Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics). This principle simply means that African-American people should strive to work together economically and show our support to those African-American businesses and corporations. This does NOT mean that we cannot support other businesses, but in the African-American communities we tend to shy away from Black-owned businesses and venues and unlike other people of color, who work together for the common good, unfortunately African-Americans are quick to criticize and not lend support to our brothers and sisters. Cooperative economics is like pooling our resources together and showing support for one another in a positive and progressive manner, and constantly uplift each other so that we as a people can be as successful as everyone else.

Ujamaa - Cooperative Economics.

Kwanzaa Principle #3 - Ujima (Collective Work & Responsibility)

Today's principle Ujima (Collective Work and Responsibility) is Kwanzaa Principle #3.

This means that in order to work together in unity in our communities, we must take responsibility for our actions - be it with family, friends, or within our communities. Taking responsibility to ensure that our children get their education, that we protect them from harm, and also look after our senior citizens and our elders.

Ujima - Collective Work & Responsibility

Kwanzaa Principle #2 - Kugichagulia (Self-Determination)

Habari Gani (what's the news)? well, on this second day of Kwanzaa the news is

Kugichagulia (pronounced "koo-gee-cha-goo-lea) which in Swahili, means "self-determination".

Self-determination means that in order to be a productive member of one's community, one should be motivated to succeed, regardless of whatever circumstances there are that could hinder progress. as in the case of those of us who suffer from various psychiatric illnesses, we must be determined to not let those illnesses rule our livelihoods.

Kugichagulia (self-determination).

why am i not surprised LOL

What Rejected Crayon Are You? You are

http://www.blogthings.com

Kwanzaa - December 26 - January 1

Kwanzaa is an African-American holiday founded by Maulena Karenga in 1966. Kwanzaa is a celebration of family, community and culture. It is also a time of reaffirming African-American people as a whole.

Kwanzaa is NOT a religious holiday nor is it a substitute for Christmas.

Kwanzaa has Seven Symbols and Seven Principles as listed below:
THE SEVEN SYMBOLS:

1) Makao (crops)

2) Mkeka (mat)

3) Kinara (candle holder)

4) Vibunzi (ears of corn)

5) Zawadi (gifts)

6) Kikombe cha Umoja (the Unity cup)

7) Mishumaa Saba (the 7 candles)


The terminology used in the celebration of Kwanzaa are as follows:

*Kwanza - means "first fruits"

* Kwanzaa (with 2 a's) an African-American celebration

* Habari Gani (what's the news?)

*Harambee - let's pull together (during the celebration 7 "Harambees" are uttered)

*Karamu - the feast or culmination of activities


There are also Seven Principles that are associated with Kwanzaa, and with each day's Principle it is prefaced by the phrase "Habari Gani (what's the news?) and the response is that day's Principle. So since today is the first day of Kwanzaa, the first Principle is :

UMOJA - Unity. Unity of all people of color, unity within our communities, unity with all the people of the world. Where there is UNITY, there is STRENGTH.

For more detailed information, click on www.officialkwanzaawebsite.com or the link posted in the sidebar of my blog.

Happy Holidays to all my Blogger friends

it is my sincere wish that all of my friends i have had the pleasure of getting to know thru Blogland are having a wonderful holiday today. may all of you be blessed with inner peace and courage and determination to overcome these illnesses that we constantly struggle with daily.

Hugs to all of you!

a hard , errrum, "phone" to swallow....????

Woman Swallows Cell Phone After Argument
By Associated Press
Fri. Dece 23, 5:04 PM

BLUE SPRINGS, Mo. - It was a conversation stopper. A lovers' dispute over a cell phone took a serious turn early Friday morning when the woman ended the spat by swallowing the phone whole.

Police said they received a call at 4:52 a.m. from a man who said his girlfriend was having trouble breathing. When they arrived at the house they found the 24-year-old woman had a cell phone lodged in her throat.

"He wanted the phone and she wouldn't give it to him, so she attempted to swallow it," Detective Sgt. Steve Decker of the Blue Springs Police Department. "She just put the entire phone in her mouth so he couldn't get it."

Police said an ambulance transported the woman to St. Mary's Medical Center in Blue Springs.

A hospital spokeswoman said she couldn't give details about the woman's health since police have not released her identity.

Decker said police had closed investigations on the swallowing, the first such incident of its kind here.

"This is the first I've heard of this happening," said Decker. "I don't know what kind of phone it was. I don't know if it was on ring or vibrate, either."

yanno, i've heard of "swallowing one's pride" and life being a "hard pill to swallow" but, err, dontcha think this lady took things a tad too far? i guess we should be glad it wasnt one of those old-school "brick" phones.....my question is, will she be billed for uh, "roaming" charges? is um, a "swallowing" clause included in the phone's warranty?

the cop said it was the "first" of such incident of its kind there....damn, are there other places that we dont know of where people have swallowed their cell phones? and if the phone went all the way down, did it ring or vibrate alerting the swallower it was time to take a shit?

i'm sure it would be most embarassing if the swallowed phone had a "voice" tone that came out of the swallower's ass with a Tourette's style command like "ANSWER THE PHONE ASSHOLE!"

this gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "talkin' outta your ass" dontcha think?

i made it thru last night..thanks to Sid *smile*

as previously mentioned, last night was my best buddy's birthday party. in the beginning i was quite reluctant to go, because i have been used to being a hermit and not wanting to interact with the outside world.

thanks to Sid, who talked me thru it last night, i did go and had a great time. it was good to be out and in a festive place and just kick it and have some fun. i did some dancing, a lot of laughing and i gotta say i kinda felt like my old self again. the birthday boy seemed like he too was having fun, and there was plenty of food as well as his birthday cake. so Sid, thank you for giving me that extra push to go out and have some fun.

well, next Friday is my birthday. my oldest daughter says she has a surprise for me (darn, i couldnt get her to tell me what it was LOL).

am i gonna go out and have fun on my birthday? damn sure is...and the next night for the New Year's Eve party too!

to everyone i have come to know thru Blogland, i wish a very Merry Christmas (to the traditionalists *smile*), Happy Holidays (to the non-traditionalists *smile*), for my friends of the Hebrew faith, Happy Hannukah (or Chanukkah), and to my African-American sisters and brothers, Happy Kwanzaa (btw i will be posting the "The Seven Principles of Kwanzaa" for each day starting December 26 on thru to January 1); however, if you would like to learn more about Kwanzaa, at your leisure, i have posted "The Official Kwanzaa Website" link, and you can click on it and find out more information.

most of all it is my deepest wish that we all have a peaceful, positive, prosperous and blessed New Year.

happy birthday to my Capricorn brotha

today is my Capricorn homey Al's b-day. he's 45 today. he has issues about getting older. lemme 'splain.....

<-----this is the birthday boy. now y'all see why i was sprung on his ass for nearly ten years? look at them big brown bedroom eyes...


you see, he was a well-known radio jock on one of the popular hip-hop/r&b stations and he did this overnite show called "Whispers In The Dark." he has the perfect baritone voice for it, very deep and very sexy. women would call in all the time just to hear his voice (hell that's what hooked me, but that's for another story), while he played all the "slow jams". he also is a big ole freak, and would have chicks coming (literally) down to the station and he'd bone 'em right there in the studio. yet looking at him, you wouldnt think he was a wild man...but yep. he would get buckdafuck wild. TRUST ME. I KNOW. i remember we had a birthday party together at this spot 'round my way. we decided to do a "theme" and what we decided on was "Bonnie & Clyde"-- he dressed in a sharp black and white pin-striped suit with the brim and all, and i wore a rather tight black and white pinstriped double breasted dress, black lace bra and garterbelt and "fuck me" heels. well, for this party the folks who helped organize it got strippers for both of us...a girl for him and a guy for me (i was kinda salty they didnt get BOTH for me, but it's all good). nnnnnnnnn-eways, we both got a bit grunk (ok fine, drunk, a'ight?) and you know when you start drinking, inhibitions are tossed to the wind.

ok. when the female stripper came out (damn she was sexy as hell, errr, oh sorry), well ole boy was already fired up, and she started dancing on his lap at first, then she whipped out her boobs
and he started suckin' on 'em. yes. you read that right. HE.SUCKED.HER TITS. then she got down on the floor and started wigglin' her ass and such (whew, is it hot in here?), and then the next thing i knew, my boy had dropped to the floor and was eatin' her pussy. IN. FRONT. OF. EVERYBODY. i shit you not. i mean, that mofo was tearin' up that girls cooch! i got jealous cuz i wanted a shot at it too, but alas, it was not meant to be, dammit. oh well.

alrighty then. my stripper came out, and LAWD! that man was PHY-YI-YINNNNE and hung like a horse. he started bumpin' and grindin' on my lap, which got my juices flowin' and since i was about ready to hump whatever, when he came up on me, i whipped my 44DDs outta my bra and started rubbin 'em over his smooth bald head. yeah. i did it. the men in the crowd went wild and was sayin shit like, "hey, can i be next?" i was close to tellin my stripper to whip his dick out and i woulda titty-fucked him right there, but i didnt. so yeah. both of us got buck-fuckin-wild that night. he still teases me about whippin out mah "girls" on that sexy baldheaded man's head LOL.

ok. back to the story....well, The Powers That Be at the station fired him, because he wouldnt take another time slot, when actually, me thinks he got cold-busted in mid-stroke with one of the hoochies by another jock, who just happened to be female. nnnnnnnnnnnn-eway, homey got quite upset about it, and bitched about it on his last show. in a sense, he's kinda like a Black Howard Stern...whatever comes out, hey it is what it is.

well, ole boy had an interview down in the A-T-L for a spot on their hip-hop/r&b station, and was all psyched about it. okay then. ole boy went to Atlanta for the interview, and was told, "we'll call you." that right there was a sure sign he wasnt gonna get the gig. and, he didnt. homey dropped into a deep depression and had to take Zoloft to keep himself from totally going off the deep end. he took it for a while, but when he realized that Zoloft tends to zap the sex drive, he quit taking it. after all, he was quite the ladies' man *cough* and sex to him, was more important than breathing.

alrighty then. a couple of years passed, and he wound up doing a dusties (our Chi-town term for "oldies") show on a city college radio station. he wasnt getting paid for that, but i spose the faculty head thought he could give him a shot at being a teacher, in Radio Communications, of course.

now. i have known this cat since 1993. i even slipped, tripped and fell in love with him. we had mind-blowing sex, and yes, he is both blessed down below, and gifted with his tongue. i carried a torch for this cat from '93 to 2003, when i finally decided to accept that he wasnt feelin me the way i was feelin him. he has/had a girlfriend, but those two are like oil and water....they just dont mix well nor do they play well with each other.

now that he's entered middle age, he is not taking it well at all. like a spoiled brat, he wants his "glory days" back where he was a freak-of-the-week-sex-machine. ole boy has to take Viagra, which REALLY fucked up his understanding, hypertension meds and uh....nah, i wont go there. WAY too much information.

he works at Radio Shack now, and oh good gawd, you'd think somebody hauled off and bitch-slapped him -- god knows i was tempted -- he is HIGHLY pissed off to high pissivity about having to work there. when i saw him last, of course he was bitching about it, and i merely told him to just shut up, be glad you got a job at least and quitchabitchin'. *sigh*

then i mentioned that i liked the way he had his hair cut, and that the salt & pepper sprinkled thru his hair made him look "distinguished" oh gawd. what did i say that for? like a two-year old throwing a tantrum, he bellowed "DISTINGUISHED? I DONT WANNA LOOK DISTINGUISHED! I LOOK LIKE AN OLD MAN!" and wah wah wah wah. i said to him, uh, you want some cheese with that WHINE? dude....get over it. age happens. hushdefuck up. you dont hear me bitching about gettin older, and i got two years on you - muthafucka, i'll be 47 my next birthday, a'ight? so shut up and thank god you still can get up and move every day.

well, he still fussed and whined, and i just threw my hands up and said, "whatever"

so homey, it's your 45th year on this planet, and since y'all teased me about bein "an old, beat-up, warped, faded label 45" on my 45th b-day, well playa, it's your turn LOL

Happy birthday, dawg... i'll see you at your party tonite.

dark days

i was sitting here (as is my usual habit) at this computer and thinking back to the dark days when i was psychotic to the point my pdoc was gonna put me in the hospital. i also remember dark days when i had no money coming in and no food, save for 2 cans of cat food. i remember my youngest and i were so hungry that we wound up eating the cat food. my daughter didnt know it was cat food and i just couldnt bring myself to tell her, but we ate it (it was chicken chunks in gravy, and i dressed it up as best as i could with my own seasonings) and then the next day, of all people, Ms Homophobe helped me out with food from her own cupboard, which, despite our differences, was a blessing to me, and i cannot ever forget that. then she told me about food pantries in my neighborhood, and swallowing my shattered pride, i went to one of the churches in the neighborhood and they gave me a big bag of groceries -- with meat too, and i nearly cried with joy because at least we were gonna eat good that night. this was when my food stamps had been cut down to $10.00, and i was desperate.

i am thankful that some of those dark days are behind me. i'm not completely out of the woods, but i'm taking one step at a time and trying not to get overstressed in the process. i am learning that life will throw some curve balls at you, but you gotta be determined to not get knocked down and stay down, otherwise you'll get used to it and never escape from it.

i thank all of you who have posted comments or just stopped by this blog. your presence is very comforting during times like these, and i appreciate each and every one of you. if i missed someone, please forgive me, it was not intentional. just wanted to tell all of you -- THANK YOU.

i got this from Princess who got it from GIgglez..so i guess i'm "it" LOL

1. Given a homeless man/woman more than $5? yeah once. then the bitch i gave it to pulled her same act on someone else.

2. Spent more than $500 on a bf/gf's gift or a night out? no! whodafuck am i, Donald Trump?

3. Had sex with more than one person in a day? *wicked grin* i'm not telling!

4. Hooked up with a good friends bf/gf behind their back? no

5. Dated two people at once? i'm bi what do you think LOL

6. Actually met someone from Blogger that you didn't know before? no.

7. Have you ever been raped?...No

8. Failed more than one class? ...No.

9. Took someone's virginity when you weren't a virgin? errr, no cant say that i have....

10. Hooked up with someone from a different race? nope.

11. Ran around naked outside in the daytime/night time? ha ha you got jokes. HELL NO!

12. Scuba dived? HELL NO.

13. Snorkled? double HELL NO.

14. Dated someone you didn't want your friends to meet? nope

15. Got your stomach pumped from alcohol poisoning? nope thank god

16. Threw up from alcohol? yep. NEVER AGAIN.

17. Been suspended from school? dont recall if i did....

18. Kissed someone of the same sex? yes. Often. *wink*

19. Wore a short skirt with out panties?no but i've worn long skirts w/o draws *wink*

20. Let a guy paint your toenails? HELL NO.

21. Met someone famous? yeah once. i met Ray Parker Jr. in person at this beauty shop/live radio broadcast. he autographed one of my 45s *grins*

22. Saved someone's life? i tried....

23. Seen someone die? yes. i was a CNA for 11 years, and i saw way too many patients die -- that's why i'm on medication now.

24. Killed someone? no but i was damn close to it!

25. Been in a physical fight? yeah with my last ex-husband.

26. Hooked up with someone 10yrs older or younger than you? yeah. younger. BIG MISTAKE.

27. Been arrested? no

28. Spent the night in jail? no

29. Been in more than three car accidents in a year? no. once was enough, and it was a bus accident.

30. Had sex outside? no but it sounds like fun!

31. Given or gotten road head? yep

32. Had sex in your house when your parents were home? nope

33. Had phone sex? yes. with both men and women *wink*

34. Been turned off by someone's personal hygiene "down there"? oh gawd YES! from BOTH sexes! eeewwwww!

35. Watched the donkey show? WTF?

36. Had sex without a condom? no. i'm more into girls *wink*

37. Had a one night stand? yes....with both sexes (greedy lil broad aint i *wink*)

38. Triple Kissed? yes

39. Had sex on the beach? nope

40. Watched porn with someone else? yep

41. Been fired from a job? laid off but not fired.

42. Danced on top of a bar? errr, lemme get back to ya on that one LOL

43. Had sex somewhere in your high school? no, but did a lot of kissing *wink*

44. Bought a vibrator? LOL i have a couple and a....oh never mind......

45. Been in a porn shop? yep. LOVED it!

46. Been in a dance competition?no, but i used to shake my groove thang a lot back in the day!

47. Had a threesome? yep. many times until the guys began acting shitty towards me...um, it aint my fault you HAVE NO CLUE as to what a woman likes!

48. Spent more than one night in a hospital? yep

49. ODed on a drug? no but came close....

50. Set a burning bag of poo on someone's front door step? no, but that's an idea.....

miracles do happen

i got a wonderful surprise when i went to check my mailbox. i got a Christmas card from my sister in Pennsylvania and when i opened the card she had added a check for $25! now i know to some of y'all may say $25 aint much, but to me, it's like $2500 dollars for somebody as broke as i am right now. i'm gonna deposit this check into my $-14.00 overdrawn new checking account and hope that it will clear away that overdraft, and bring me into a positive balance of about $11.00.

i would have never expected that from my sister, and i am going to call her and thank her for her generosity.

i know some of y'all arent believers in God, but i know y'all know that miracles can happen when we least expect them, and to me, this was a wonderful miracle.

"on the last day of Christmas my true love gave to me....a lame ass Chia Pet and a Clapper for the TV...."

i have noticed a pattern here...when it's last-minute gift shopping all of a sudden the "Chia Pets" and "Clappers" start taking over the airwaves on television.

when the very first "Chia Pet" was introduced, it was cool. now? man! they got these lame ass Chia thingys with Chia Tweety (um, birds have FEATHERS, dummy!), Chia Guy (oh yeah there's a winner right there...to me he looks like an old funk musician with a green Jeri-Curl), Chia Sylvester (?), Chia Bugs Bunny (why..why...make 'em stop mommy, please make 'em stop waaaaaaaaa), i think, a Chia "Elmer Fudd" (be vewwy vewwy qwiet) and now we have Chia "Garfield" ad nauseam. just for shits 'n' giggles, how about making a "Chia Fruitcake"....i'm sure if one were to spread the Chia seeds on those indestructable bricks of crap (my apologies to those who actually LIKE fruitcake) , i honestly believe something would actually grow from it *shudders at the thought*

what i think would make this lame thing more interesting is if they added "chronic" seeds (stop playin' y'all know what i mean when i say "chronic") and spreaded that on one of those awful looking things...and i'm sure somebody out there is thinking the exact thing i just said *evil laugh bwahahahahahaha*

now we move on to the "Clapper" *sigh* it seems like it would be a handy gizmo when you dont feel like finding your remote to turn off the TV, or using it to come into a dark house. but what if you get a Clapper that doesnt, um "clap on" once you unlock your darkened home....or if you do happen to get one that ACTUALLY works, you decide to turn the TV off by "clapping off" and when you do, the TV blows out, and all your "clappable" appliances blow out too?

and why do they keep using the same old lady (i swear it's Barbara Bush *shhhhh*) in these commercials?

what if a person who has no hands, but instead they have "bionic"hands, and they receive one of these as a gift...will all the circuitry blow their prostheses off -- or worse, their "bionic" hands start "clapping" out of control?

i have a warped sense of humor, but i'm actually curious about these things.....what about y'all?

pdoc visit went well today

i had an appointment with my pdoc this morning, so i bundled up real good and made it to the clinic in ample enough time. man, it is COLD outside! but then Chicago winters aint nuttin' nice anyways, especially while we are in the midst of the "deep freeze". last night it was 6 degrees.

my pdoc gave me samples of Seroquel, but when i see him next year, he's gonna change my antipsychotic, due to the fact fuckin' Medicaid wont be paying for it anymore because it aint "medically necessary." the nice lady who's one of the secretaries also gave me a new pillbox which i badly needed, so now i can sort my meds properly and all in one box. he also gave me a new script for Klonopin and Zoloft 100mg, so i'm good to go med wise.

when i think about those of us who cant get good psych care, i feel truly blessed to be able to go to a hospital outpatient psych clinic and that i have two very good doctors who are compassionate and caring. my pdoc, Dr. Munoz, is very good. he has been a blessing to me when i dont have the $3 co-pay for Zoloft and Seroquel, and he gives me adequate samples to hold me over until i see him again.

for those of y'all who see your pdocs on the regular, and are in a tight spot when it comes to your meds, if at all possible, ask your docs to give you samples. most of the pdocs in my clinic give their patients samples, because they know how hard it can be when you dont have money for a co-pay on a med that you take frequently. however, if your pdoc wont give you samples, i'm gonna post again the websites you can visit that manufacture most of the frequent meds we take and offer programs for patients who otherwise cannot afford their meds, or who have no type of insurance to pay for them:

http://www.zoloft.com

http://www.seroquel.com

http://www.cymbalta.com

http://www.zyprexa.com

http://www.risperdal.com

http://www.lamictal.com

http://www.geodon.com

http://www.wellbutrin.com

http://www.paxil.com

http://www.astrazeneca.com

http://glaxosmithkline.com

http://www.lifeiswaiting.com

http://www.prozac.com


during these uncertain times where health care, especially good mental health care is becoming more and more difficult to maintain, and literally going back to the old days, where a lot more patients are being hospitalized involuntarily or discharged without continuity of care, it's good to know that the drug manufacturers offer programs like these for us. i hope by my posting these sites will help someone out there who is having difficulty getting their much-needed meds.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR RUDENESS!

recently i made some calls to my credit card company because i had some questions about my account. the representative on the phone had a very thick Middle Eastern accent, and before i go on, let me make this disclaimer: I AM NOT PREJUDICED AGAINST ANYONE WHO IS NOT FROM THIS COUNTRY.

now then. as i said, this representative's phone manners were just plain RUDE. when i tried to ask a question, this person cut me off and spoke to me like i just got off the short yellow bus; very condescending, and seemed to get hightly insulted that i asked them to kindly repeat what they said because i couldnt understand them.

i just wrote a blistering e-mail to the card company telling them about this offensive behavior and i am seriously considering CANCELLING my account with them just on that purpose.

i dont give a damn if your ethnicity is Caucasian, African-American, Hispanic, Middle Eastern, space alien or whatever. RUDE is RUDE regardless of ethnicity. if one has a job that deals with the public, via telephone or in person, that person should be THOROUGHLY trained in professional telephone/public decorum; if they have a thick accent, then they should be taught to speak CLEAR and CONCISE English so that they can be CLEARLY UNDERSTOOD, because that is how these businesses lose customers just on that notion.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR RUDENESS. PERIOD.

this is very true

You Have A Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperament Are You?

http://www.blogthings.com

"it seems to hang on"

if y'all look at the sidebar on the right side at the bottom of my blog where my Bi Pride flag is, there is an avatar i created on my Yahoo page. it's about as close to what i look like. i'm short and plump and i do i wear glasses, but the frames aren't dark-rimmed; however, the face, skintone and hair and eyes are pretty much on point. i guess that particular avatar is supposed to be "full figured" LOL.

on a more serious tone, friday after next i will turn 47 years old. it's been said that "life begins at 40" and the 40s are supposedly the "prime" of a woman's life. well, whoever said that should be me for a day and they'd find out that it aint what it's cracked up (pardon the pun) to be.

when i first turned the big 4-0, i was a pretty outgoing woman. i had energy, i had stamina, and there wasnt a Saturday night that would find me at home. instead, i'd be out, looking as good as i could possibly look, and shakin' my groove thang up in da club. i was able to have my favorite drink, Malibu rum and pineapple juice, and once i got the buzz, it was on like a pot of neck bones. i would literally be a dancin' fool and could hang all night until the place started puttin' folks out. i would also go and perform spoken word poetry at my favorite poetry cafe' on the regular, and pretty much stayed on the move.

so what the hell happened? for those of y'all who are old enough to remember the show "Lost in Space" with The Robot and Dr. Smith, well, whenever the Robot pissed off Dr. Smith, he'd yank off the Robot's power pack. well, that's how i feel. like somebody yanked off my power pack and tossed it into Lake Michigan. i look at myself in the mirror, and what looks back at me is a puffy-faced, nicotine-stained lipped, redheaded sheep's ass haired, dark circle eyed shell of who i once was. and i hate it.

most people would say "well, you need to get out of the house". yeah. right. news flash: i dont have the MOTIVATION less alone the desire to get out of the house unless it's absolutely necessary -- meaning when my monthly check hits the bank, i have to go out and get a money order for my rent (luckily i changed banks and i can get money orders for free at this bank), buy a 30-day reduced fare bus pass, and if i need some personal items, or have to pick up my med refills, then it's a ride up to Walgreens, where if i have some money left, i 'll buy a pack of generic cigarettes (Misty Menthol Lights are as good as Virgina Slims Menthol Lights, but a dollar or so cheaper), or if i have a T and/or pdoc appointment. that's IT. sometimes i dont even have the motivation to go downstairs and check the mailbox. i'll sit here in front of this computer, smoke, and surf blogs or the Internet itself, until it's time for my bedtime meds. i will take them, shut down my computer and flop onto my mattress on the floor and watch TV until my eyes start glazing over. get up the next day and do it all over again.

prime of my life? HELL.NO. if anything i feel like a prime washout. these lyrics from this Ashfore & Simpson song fits the mood i'm in....

"It Seems To Hang On"

is it daylight
i cant tell no more
never had this condition
before....
everywhere i turn
it seems to hang on
everyting i do
it seems to hang on
was i mistaken
about you

lemme give
you some ideas
it aint just the tears
the fact of it is

(chorus)
i cant go nowhere
i cant be the same
i dont know my name
i cant understand
just why....
it seems to hang on

wasnt i clever
as only i could be
then tell me
what's happening?
what's bothering me?
aside from dreams
i have
nothing else exists

(repeat chorus)

like a snowball
rollin down a hill
i look behind me
it's there still
oh like a shadow
it follows...me

(repeat chorus)

loose me!
loose me!
loose me, please!

(repeat chorus)

i cant shake it
i cant shake it
like a snowball
rollin down a hill
i look behind me
it's there still...

(bridge)
loose me!
loose me!
loose me! please!
please! please!

i cant go nowhere
i cant be the same
i dont know my name
i cant understand why...
it seems to hang on....

was it love
wont let go
what's happening?
it takes me round
and round and round

it seems to hang on...
wont leave me alone.....(repeat chorus and fade)


from album "Is It Still Good To Ya" (c) Capitol Records, 1979.

the letter to Ms. Homophobe

this is the letter i wrote to Ms. Homophobe. a part of me feels i should send it, and yet another part of me feels i shouldnt. anyways, here goes:

12/12/05
11:06 pm

Dear________

i received your lovely card today. thank you very much, it is much appreciated.

i have some things that i need to get off my chest, because it has been bothering me ever since that final conversation we had.

before i go into what i have to say, let me just say that i appreciate everything you did for me. i consider you a blessing from the Creator and i hope and pray that you be successful in whatever you choose to do in your life.

now. the things i want to get off my chest, i say not in anger, but then again, there may be some anger mixed in with hurt, and i am being brutally honest as i can be here.

first off i respect your decision to not having nothing to do with me because of my sexual preferences, because you feel that it is wrong and it conflicts with your spirituality, and you don't want to be "influenced" by it. okay. question--how would it influence you? after the incident that transpired between us, i have let it go and mentally filed it under "mistakes that should NEVER have happened in the first place." i'm DONE with it, ok? DONE. as far as i'm concerned it never happened. so what, you felt like remaining friends with me, that i would step to you like that again? NO MA'AM. i respect your position and would NEVER overstep my bounds like that towards you EVER AGAIN.

yet, you still have issue with that. why? were you perhaps afraid that you might would have started liking it, which threw you back into even more paranoia and homophobia? sorry, but i'm callin' it like i see it.

another thing: does it not say in the bible "judge not, lest ye be judged"? you say you felt "stigmatized" when ______ learned that you were bipolar and he went totally apeshit about it. well, how do you think I feel? it's enough to be judged about my sexual preferences, not to mention being judged of having a mental illness too, so i bear a DOUBLE stigma, ok?

understand this: you CANT "catch" homosexuality/bisexuality like you catch a cold or the flu. it's about CHOICE. the same CHOICE that str8 people make when seeking a mate or significant other. because i CHOOSE to be with someone of the same gender, is just that -- CHOICE, and that to me should not be the deciding factor in friendship. if that's the case, then once you told me you had borderline personality, i could have just cut it off just like that. but i didnt. i accepted you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, even went so far as to go online and learn more about it, rather than make a blanket decision that "i can't be friends with her." no. i educated myself so that i wouldnt be another _____who had no clue about it.

another thing, when ____went off on you about your bipolar illness, you CHOSE not to put him in check, and as a result, he had ammunition to attack your character and your self-worth as a woman. you fell for him for the wrong reasons, but the truth of the matter is that you were lonely, and wanted and needed to be loved. sistagirl, you can blame it on "the devil", "mania" or "borderline" but when it gets down to the real nitty gritty, let's call a spade a spade--you made those choices, ok? and, like most of us sistas, who want love and acceptance, sometimes we make poor CHOICES when trying to make a connection with a man.

truth be told, if a nice-looking brother were to step to you, i dont think you 'd turn him down, and if there is chemistry between y'all, y'all would get the "swerve" on. you are HUMAN, V, okay? yet you still trippin about what we did, and somehow i feel like i'm under attack for that. please sistagirl, LET IT GO, ok? IT WAS A MISTAKE THAT NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED. PERIOD.

you were hurt that ____couldnt accept you with your illness and even more hurt when he went ballistic on your female pride. well, how do you think i feel? you ended our friendship because you dont want to be "influenced" by MY sexual choice? how the hell could i "influence" you? did i ever ask you to go with me to a gay club/event? NO!!!! hell, I DONT EVEN GO TO THOSE PLACES because again, i CHOOSE not to, ok? so please tell me how my bisexuality would allegedly "influence" you, or, is that just a smokescreen that you've put up because maybe there's a teeny tiny part of you that is still curious about it, but you want to go and hide behind your church to keep those feelings from resurfacing?

one other thing--how would your pastor know if there were any gay/bi/lesbian members in
y'alls church?what, does he go around asking any of the members if they are gay, bi, or lesbian? and do you honestly think they would tell him? hell no, because more than likely they'd probably be kicked out just because of that. unless those members were wearing something, like, say jewelry with the Rainbow colors to show who they were, your pastor dont know who is what up in there. so how can HE tell you who to befriend and who not to befriend? this makes me think of a passage in the bible that speaks of a woman who was a prostitute, and she was being pelted with stones, ostracized and condemned until Jesus said to them "let ye who is without sin cast the first stone," and they couldnt do it.

in my conclusion, let me say this: the God that i love shines His Light on EVERYBODY--the rich, the poor, the saint and the sinner, the just as well as the unjust. the God i love has UNCONDITIONAL love for ALL His Children and as far as i know, He doesnt discriminate. yes His punishment is swift and sure, but at the same time He is Oft-Forgiving and most Merciful. i aint gotta be a member of nobody's church or Mosque to show Him that i love Him, for He looks at our intentions and our hearts. He aint interested in what Sister So-and-So wore to church/mosque that Sunday, or who is putting the most $$$$ in the collection plate or who looks better than this person or that person; unfortunately it is MANKIND who is guilty of trying to be God. since you read your bible, you should read Exodus 20, v.4&5 that says something to the effect that "no man should be put before Me, for i am a jealous God."

if MANKIND would only stop trying to play God and having people looking at him instead of to the Creator, maybe this world will finally become a much more peaceful place. MANKIND needs to sit his ass down somewhere and get out of His Way and let Him handle things.

anyway, i've said what i've had to say. if what i have said here sounded like an attack towards you, please be assured IT IS NOT, nor was it ever intended to be, and again, i apologize if the tone of this letter came across as angry, well to a degree i was. so if you choose to block my number from your phone, so be it, because i am going to do the same likewise.

may God bless you on your "spiritual journey" to enlightenment and understanding. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

peace be unto you
genelle

so there it is. should i go on and send it, or should i let it go? all feedback would be appreciated.

Vegas Marie, i hope you dont mind me borrowing this...i wanna add my two cents to this!

George Dubya/Republicans: the new recipients of "THE INCREDIBLY STUPID AND DUMB BEYOND BELIEF AWARD". Nuff said.

Closed-minded people: maybe, just maybe if you unlock your minds the circulation will improve and you'll think better. Really really.

Bill Collectors: if i dont have the money when you called once, what the fuck makes you think i'm gonna have it if you call back tonight, tomorrow or the days following? sorry, i dont have connections to Oprah or Donald Trump, so fuck off.

Employers who lay off employees
during the holidays: errum, have you people figured out WHY a lot of people do overtime during the holiday season? and also why said employees come back to the workplace armed with AK-47s and Uzis?

People who talk on their cell phones
while driving: yo, you with the cell phone. yeah, you. PUT THE MUTHAFUCKA DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD, ASSHOLE. i'm not gonna have my family crying over my dead body because YOU wanna look important while yappin on your phone. and in some states, it's against the law, meaning, you will not pass GO, but GO STRAIGHT TO JAIL!

Arrogance: having delusions of grandeur are we? NEWS FLASH: there are other far more IMPORTANT PEOPLE in the world besides YOU. so in the words of the late, great Richard Pryor "have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up, muthafucka."

Bible-thumpers: hmm. what would Jesus do? probably tell you to shut the fuck up because you've got his life-story twisted, so who died and left you God?

People who cannot think for themselves: um, has anyone seen the "short yellow bus" because i think it forgot these people - the "intellectually challenged."

Organized religion: yo, if you wanna start a church, cult or whatever the fuck, i have no problem with you. it's when you wanna start SHOVING IT DOWN MY FUCKING THROAT that may make me want to stick forks in your eyes.

Nosy muthatfuckas: yanno, instead of making me feel like i'm being stalked, how about this: GET A LIFE MUTHAFUCKA.

Phoniness: hey. girlfriend... yeah, you with the long blond weave and blue contact lenses. unless you are going thru chemo and have had eye surgery, you need to lose the phony ponies (and i use that term literally--ask Mr. Ed) and them blue /green/hazel/whatever the fuck color/ lenses. be happy with what God gave ya...besides i dont think your man wants to run his fingers thru THE FUCKING TRACKS in your head much less feel like he's with one of the "Children of the Corn" *shudders*

the "status quo": yanno, i've come to find that daring to be different makes me a much more interesting person. oh, i'm sorry....that's too much for your brain to handle? okay. we need the short yellow bus over here too.

Homophobes: a very dangerous species, this homophobus ignoramus. if you are in the vicinity of one of these creatures, i suggest you immediately leave the surroundings because this species can be very dangerous to those of us who are of the Rainbow Tribe. these people are known to be volatile and sometimes violent and should not be approached. they tend to use derogatory phrases like dyke and faggot, and have been known to kill those poor uninformed members of the Rainbow Tribe. if you spot one of these in your area, DO NOT approach them, for they are unpredictable and can attack without warning. if you are cornered by the homophobus ignoramus, and carry mace or a Taser, retailate in kind and get the hell out of there IMMEDIATELY before this creature gets its bearings.

this has been a public service announcement. thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

the freedom to CHOOSE

well, now that i'm officially "out" (at least here in Blogland) somehow i feel much more free. free to finally be myself and be who i want to be. unfortunately in the natural, in the real world, i'm still closeted, and (there's that word again) "stigmatized." it's like i dont fit in with those who are gay/lesbian, and those who are str8, well, y'all know how much shit i endured from Ms Homophobe. altho i'm sure that y'all who know me probably could care less about who i choose to fall in love with. the bottome line here is....LOVE, and FREEDOM OF CHOICE. PERIOD.

i wrote the homophobe an 18-page letter finally saying the things i'd held back from saying for the duration of the "friendship" in essence, i told Ms Homophobe that who is she or anybody from her church to say who she can be friends with? and how the fuck is me being bisexual "influencing" her? i never asked this woman to go to any gay-oriented events or clubs, hell I DONT GO TO EM because i CHOOSE not to! i pointed out to her that she needs to take another look in her bible and find the passage, "judge not, lest ye be judged" and also find the story of the prostitute who was being stoned and persecuted until Christ said to them "let ye who is without sin cast the first stone" which, to me means, before you decide that another person is a sinner, you oughta take a look in the mirror at your own damn self.

there are far too many people in this world who are fanatics concerning religion. and i'm willing to betcha close to 99.9% of em have some dirty little secrets that they dont want known; in fact i'm also willing to bet that quite a few of these same "fanatics" are on the down-low in their own churches, but come before their congregations spewing hellfire and damnation to everybody else. um can you say HYPOCRISY?

i told her that the God that i love loves all of His Children UNCONDITIONALLY; that He shines His Light on the poor as well as the rich, the saint and the sinner, and yes, there may be some people that are beyond help but nevertheless He is there 24/7/365. now mind you, i'm NOT a Bible-thumper by any means. i believe in freedom of speech and free will, and if a person wants to call a blade of grass God, hey, i aint got no problem with them.

just dont judge me and shove your beliefs down my throat. i might just spit in your face.

BTW: i didnt send the 18 page letter, but it felt damn good to write out what i felt.

queer eye for Bi Pride

i have been tweaking up the look of my blog most of the evening. i also came up on a site that has LGBT Pride clip art and graphics, and i found these two cool clip art pieces -- the Bi Pride flag and the Bi Pride banner. i figured this was as good a place as any to "come out" LOL

i wanted to get the banner onto my sidebar along with the flag, but every time i tried it my links, archives and previous posts got pulled down to the bottom of my blog - grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. so, i figured putting up the flag was as good as it was gonna get. for those of you who are "curious" (pardon the pun LOL) about the colors of BiPride, the colors are a mix of hot pink (or fuschia), purple and royal blue, altho from visiting some personal web pages created by bi people they also include the Rainbow flag as well. so now everybody in the Blogosphere knows i play for both teams *grins*

the symbolism for the BiPride colors are this: the pink color represents attraction to the same sex (male/male, female/female), the blue represents attraction to the opposite sexes, and lastly the purple overlaps into attraction to both sexes:

female/female/male

male/male/female

Prince's "symbol" has been adopted by a lot of bi individuals as well. hmmm....so that's why he liked "purple" so much LOL!

Happy Birthday Mama (Dec.12,1922-June 18,1987)

today would have been my mother's 83rd birthday. though i caught hell most of my growing up, my mama was still there for me, thru thick and thin, and i cant forget her. ever. Mama may have had her problems, but if it wasnt for her, i wouldnt be the woman i am today.

to all who share my mom's birthday: Colleen, happy birthday to you hon. you are a great friend that i have had the pleasure of making acquaintance with here in Blogland.

and now, a song for my mother, performed by The Spinners called "Sadie"

(spoken intro by the late Phillipe Wynne, lead singer of The Spinners)

in a world like today
it's a rare occasion
to be able
to see young mothers like
the ones who were around
when i grew up
but they live on
in memory to
quite a few of us
and this song
is dedicated
to those who
cherish that memory...

(music intro)

early one Sunday morning
breakfast was on the table
there was no time to eat
she said to me
girl hurry to Sunday school...

filled with the Lord of Glory
i learned the Holy Story
she'll always have her dreams
despite the things
this troubled world
can bring

(chorus)
oh Sadie
dontcha know we love ya
Sweet Sadie
place no one above ya
Sweet Sadie
livin' in the past

sometimes it seems
so funny
but no money
can turn your life
around....

sweeter than cotton candy
stronger than grandpa's old brandy
always that needed smile
but once in a while
she would break down and cry...

sometimes she'd be
so happy
bein ' with me and daddy
standing the worst
of times
breaking the binds
with just a simple song....

oh Sadie Mae
still lovin us all
in your special way
Sweet Sadie
livin in the past
oh she's never sinnin'
in love she's always winnin' yeah

(chorus) Sadie
dontcha know we love ya
sweet Sadie
place no one
above ya
sweet Sadie
livin' in the past

my my my
i love you Mama
i just cant forget
how you gave me love
oh Lord
if there's a Heaven
up above
i know
she's teaching Angels
how to love

(repeat chorus)

it's a mean world
without'cha, oh
all the love you showed
oh how can
anyone ever doubt
your love
aint it funny that
in the end
it's not money
it's just the love
you gave us all

(repeat chorus)

why why
such a goodly soul

(repeat chorus)

i dont know
and tho the people
say they love my song
oh Lord i'm all alone
i miss her so....yeah

(repeat chorus)

i love you Mama!
lemme just try
just try one more time
and say
altho we were very poor
she tried to love
us that much more oh

(repeat chorus)

have you ever
ever met Sadie
oh, the premiere
of ladies, oh
sometimes i feel so alone
but i know that
i gotta go on
that's what
she wanted for me
i know its gonna be
hard sometimes
oh Sadie....

(repeat chorus)
(repeat chorus)

Lord altho my mama's
no longer here
her memory still
lingers dear aw, just won't
lemme go, lemme go
why dontcha
why u wanna make me
feel so down...
oh oh

(repeat chorus)

this feelin wont let me be
i'm gonna keep movin'
and gonna try
to keep groovin'
because
she showed me love (repeat chorus and fade).....

from album "New and Improved"; produced by Thom Bell
(c) 1974, Atlantic Records

Rest in peace, Mama. I love you and I miss you and Daddy very, very much.

y'all will excuse me now...the tears are falling faster than i can type......*sniffling*

fading to black -- going into the "Twililght Zone"

it's happening again. the dissociation, the "spacing out" -- next stop "The Twilight Zone." i dont know why this happens to me from time to time. it's like i can be doing something, and then it's like all of a sudden i stop, zone out for a few minutes, rock back and forth if i'm sitting, and then i come back to reality. it's weird.

lately i havent really had the desire to go out of the house unless i absolutely have to, like to pick up my meds from Walgreens, or go to a T/pdoc appointment. other than that, i just dont have a burning desire to be around people. sometimes when i am out, i dont feel like i'm "all there"-- it's like i'm looking at myself from the inside out....i see myself doing things that i have to do while i'm out, but it's like my body is there but my mind isnt. i dont feel particularly depressed, if anything, i feel flat, for lack of a better word. i mean, if something is funny, i'll laugh, but then just as quickly as i laugh, i turn flat again. i am not angry about anything in particular, that mood passed real quick when Miss Homophobe decided to end our friendship. then again, maybe i am still slightly angry, but i'm controlling it by deliberately blocking it out of my mind, which maybe is causing me to dissociate. shit i dont know.

my routine every day is thusly: i wake up, go to the bathroom, take my AM meds, have my morning cigarette, and sit my fat ass right here in front of this computer smoking, reading and posting comments to my favorite blogs i've bookmarked, or playing web games like Cubis, Bejeweled, Square Off, Spongebob Squarepants Collapse, or web word games. sometimes i forget to eat, and when i do decide to eat, it's like my body really doesnt want the food. strange.

it's like my whole life existence is this computer, and i could really care less about the outside world. the winter season doesnt bother me, so it's not SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder); in fact staying indoors now that the snow is on the ground gives me a strangely comforting feeling.

like now, i'm sitting here typing these words, but i feel like i'm on auto-pilot. my mind is functioning, but i think at a lesser level than before. it's like i'm rotely typing these words, and hoping that it's making sense. while i'm typing, i'm sitting in the chair rocking back and forth as i type. in a minute i'm liable to just stop typing, and stare off into space for a few minutes because my brain will run out of diatribe to type...like now...................................................and i'm back.

i mean i should be happy that i'm trying to straighten out my financial situation by switching banks for my direct deposit, and getting brand new checks, and also catching up on some bills that were out of hand. yet this gives me no sense of satisfaction of happiness. again, it's like i'm doing things rotely, mechanically, robotlike....i cant explain it.

fading to black................*cue "Twilight Zone music*.

(heart)breaking news....

well, i guess i wont be keeping Scootie Bug no more *sad face*. his mommy got fired from her job today, and the bitch of it all is she got canned before Christmas. the poor child had been crying and was terribly upset. my heart goes out to her. i actually feel guilty for her paying me but i know she would insist that i take it. she has a b/f that lives with her and Scootie Bug, so i hope that he steps up to the plate and handle the business.

i'll still offer to keep Scootie Bug sometimes anyway, because i've come to love his lil adorable self. his mommy says she's still gonna try and find another job and apply for unemployment in the interim. i'm sure she'll luck up tho...this is the season a lot of places hire seasonal workers. hell if my arthritis didnt give me such grief, i'd try and find something too.

y'all please understand that i'm not trying to be selfish...i honestly feel awful my "granddaughter" as i have adopted her as such lost her job three weeks b4 Xmas. i can imagine her hurt and disappointment. so i'll let you all help me out here....


she paid me $25.00 -- should i give it back to her?

follow up to "this just in"

i'm done. for real this time. i mean it....I.AM.DONE. Ms Homophobe talked to her minister who advised her that "if she (meaning me) is trying to change her (my) life from the lifestyle i am and wants to get closer to God, then it's ok. but since she (me) is not trying to build a relationship with God, then you (her) should not let her (me) have any influence on you (her)."

y'kno, i dont know whether to be angry or hurt. fuck that. I.AM.PISSED. yeah, i know i should have just let it go and not bothered to still be her fuckin' friend. just because we had a intimate encounter THAT WASNT ABOUT SHIT ANYWAY, she's still trippin' about it. so, because that happened, does she think that THAT was "influencing" her? WTF? i have long forgotten about it and have filed it under "stupid shit that should never have happened." so why is she still trippin about that? as i sit here writing this shit out, the more pissed i'm getting, and i'm tempted to call that heffa back and leave her a very NASTY message, but, i'm not. like a damn fool i left her a "nice" message and still extended the branch of friendship. I AM SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!

for months on end i listened patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) to her whine, piss, bitch and moan about "men aint about shit these days" and then the snot-slinging about "why would he do me like that?" ad nauseam. i listened. then she would say sometimes that "she didnt feel i was supportive enough of her because i didnt say much and she did all the talking." yet, i still listened. listened until my fucking eardrums were ready to bust. i listened.

no disrespect to those of you who suffer from borderline personality, but this woman literally drained me dry. i'm sorry, but i have to be brutally honest here and if i have offended anyone who suffers from BPD, i duly apologize. but this blog is my outlet to let it out, and i had to get this out of my system.

the constant "overanalyzing" of trivial shit, the constant suspicion, the drama, oh LAWD the DRAMA! i'm sorry, and i mean no harm when i say this, but i can see why a lot of folks who suffer from BPD cant maintain friendships or relationships. and my heart goes out to you -- it must be exhausting to have to "overthink" things and always keeping your guards up because you have trust issues. i feel for you all, i truly do. i can only imagine the constant inner anguish you all feel all the time, the emotional rollercoasters, the self-destructive things you constantly battle with internally. i have issues too, God knows i do...but it was beginning to make me feel like i was constantly walking on eggshells. a lot of the time i was afraid to say the wrong thing because i didnt want what i said misconstrued and picked apart. yet it happened anyway.

*sigh*....like i said...i'm done. FOR REAL.

"let it snow, let it snow, let it snow..."

This is my oldest daughter, Aqueelah, age 26 sitting at the computer in our kitchen. she was a "Blizzard '79' baby *grins* (sorry fellas, she's taken already *smile*)

so i spose those of y'all from Chicago wishing for a "white" Christmas, well you got your wish. GRRRRRRRRRR. and i have a T and pdoc appointment tomorrow. great. wonderful. lucky me, i get to walk thru all that shit to the bus stop going and coming. aint gonna happen. i'm stayin' right here in my nice warm house.

there used to be a time when i loved snow--as a child. i remember the first blizzard we had in 1967. the WHOLE CITY was shut down. most schools were closed and for those commuting to and from work, it was a hugantic, ginormous (yeah i stole these words from Bruce Almighty) mess. cars were buried beneath the snow, and i remember asking my mama if i could go out and play in the snow. she said yes, and bundled me up good and out the door i went. i made a pitiful snowman, and made snow angels by lying on my back and waving my arms and legs. thankfully it wasnt biting cold out and i stayed out there until mama called me in to eat dinner.

then we got smacked down with another blizzard in 1979. during that time i was pregnant with my oldest daughter, Aqueelah, (see pic above--isnt she pretty!) who blessed the world with her presence on February 23, 1979, weighing in at 8 pounds, 6 ounces. she along with my youngest (sorry i dont have pics of her yet, but will get some soon) are the joys of my life, and i dont know what i would do without them. /so it's snowing big time now. it's pretty to look at, but hell to get around in-especially when you are an old bag of bones like me LOL. after the T and pdoc appt, unless it's ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY for me to go out, i will be keeping my little shawt fat azz right here in the warmth of my apartment.

somehow i get the feeling we just MIGHT have another blizzard....

this just in.....

in my last post i had said that i didnt think i was gonna be keeping Scootie Bug today, but that changed. his mommy had to go into work today, so i get a chance to keep my "grandbaby" again today.

as i said before, he's kinda fussy because he's teething, and i saw a little "plug" trying to come in his lower gums. but it's ok. i remember when my girls were his age and they tended to be a tad fussy too. luckily his mommy put his teething ring in his diaper bag so he can gnaw on that.

i just got him to sleep a few minutes ago after he had his morning bottle. and yes, he has his real "Binky" too LOL.

and now in other news...*sigh* y'all read my post about "life goes on" because a woman i'd become friends with thru the partial hospital program decided that she couldnt accept our friendship because of my sexual preferences, right? mm-kay. well, she called me last night and was saying that she didnt really want to shut me out of her life, being that i've been a support system for her since she doesnt get on well with her family, and that she appreciates my listening to her and being there for her when she was nearly suicidal from getting royally dissed by a man she'd just met. she said she was going to talk to her pastor about our friendship and see what he has to say about having a friend who lives an alternative lifestyle.

only to me do these things happen. i sent her a birthday card (tho her b-day is in January on the 20th) and some other cards. when i picked up my phone the other day, and i was checking my voice mail messages, she'd left a tearful message saying how much she liked the cards because they touched her heart and so on and so on.

i called her back to mainly say i'm glad she liked them and glad she got them, and then the tears started again, and she was saying that she was having a change of heart about our friendship and that she was gonna talk to her minister at her church about it. ah well.

y'all know i'm gonna go there right? Right. friendship, in my honest opinion, should be real, honest and true, and without prejudice. if you are my friend, I ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE and if i have a problem with you, ESPECIALLY if it is detrimental to your well-being, i will call you on it but in a diplomatic way and not pull out both barrels and come out shooting. the friends i've made here in Blogland are truly wonderful and i feel blessed to have met such wonderful, interesting people, and it is greatly appreciated.

now, i'm sure y'all are wondering who this dude was who dissed her and what did her say? well, for starters, she told him she was bipolar and oh Lawd, why did she tell him that? he took that info and ran with it, calling her "crazy" and saying that "he cant deal with her, because he thinks she might haul off one day and kill him" and blah blah blah yadda yadda. O-kay.

now then. as dude is going thru his tirade, instead of her putting his silly ass in check, she takes his verbal tirade, and then winds up in the psych unit in the hospital because she was feeling suicidal. do y'all see where this is going? am i making sense here? she gets upset because he calls her "crazy" and "unstable" thus getting her feelings hurt, yet tried to get back WITH THIS SAME GUY a few weeks after she was released from the hospital. WTF?

yet, she has a strong case of homophobia towards me. funny, when i've read the Bible (and NO i'm not a Bible-thumper in any way, so chill out a'ight?) i dont recall ever reading any passages that says outright that homosexuality is a sin and if there is such a passage, please let me know which one it is, bcuz inquirin' minds wanna know.

alrighty then. the day that she got my cards, she also got a Christmas card from this same cat who went ballistic on her. she called me that same night to tell me that she got a Christmas card from him and she was trying to "decipher" what his motive was in sending it. OOOOOOO-kay.

now. last night she called me saying that she was thinking about our friendship and how she realized that next to her T and pdoc, i've been her only source of support when she was going thru some rough patches, and she felt that she shouldnt just dismiss me from her life and that's when she was saying that she was gonna talk to her minister about maintaining a friendship with me. and then in the interim, she gets all pissy because she felt like dude who sent her the Xmas card "was playing games with her head" and for about an hour she ranted and bitched about him (and interrupted my watching of the season premeire of "Law and Order", but i digress,) and then told me she got his number from directory assistance, called the man and bitched him out about "she aint the one to be playing mind games with" and slammed down the phone on him. OK then. errum, how is he playing "mind games" with a simple Christmas card? *shakes head in confusion*

now, as i said, if an individual and i become friends, i'm the type of gal that will be there for you, to listen and if i have money and you need it, i will come thru for you. i dont care if you are black, white,green, purple, str8, gay, les, bi, trans, bipolar, schizophrenic, narcissistic, borderline, schizoaffective, depressed, tall, short, fat, skinny, bald, weaved, crosseyed, bucktoofed or whatever. I ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE. YOU ARE MY FRIEND, PERIOD.

what this man said to her was fouler than foul, and her feelings were hurt, and she was saying that he was "stigmatizing" her because of her bipolar. hmmm. lessee, stigmatizing....a very deep word isnt it? ya think maybe karma came back on her because she "stigmatized" ME for being bisexual? i mean damn, it aint contagious like the flu.

i dunno. any comments or thoughts on this subject would be greatly appreciated because i have finally shorted out the one functional brain cell i have left with this shit.

so fresh and so clean clean

well y'all i finally took my shawt fat body into the bathtub. i couldnt take it no more. man, my funk woulda knocked a skunk out within a foot of me. it was time to do some serious scrubbing! my skin had actually turnt a deathly shade of gray (and me bein lightskinned i kid you not when i say a "deathly" shade of gray) from all the funk and ashiness and it seemed like when i got to scrubbing, half of me went down the drain with the soap. but it's all good. i am now so fresh and so clean clean. i actually feel HUMAN again.

it's bad when youre mood is in a funk and you just dont feel like doing nothing...not even taking a bath or shower. that's how i've been lately. i figured i'm not going anywhere these days except to see my T and pdoc, so why bother? and those of y'all who suffer from depression, or any other mood disorder know what i mean. it aint like i didnt have soap or toothpaste, i just didnt give a shit and that's how it was until today. when you get downwind of your own funk and it damn near knocks you out, it's definitely time for a bath or shower. i even washed my hair what little of it i have LOL

i'm sitting here now looking at myself in amazement that my skin is no longer an ashy, dusty looking gray, but back to its original coloring of honey. i used this antibacterial/antifungal natural soap made with green tea to bathe with. it smells good, kinda like a Hall's cough drop and i believe my skin was jumping up and down saying "YES! YES! YES! finally this fat cow got herself in the tub to make us all clean! i know it was tingling from the soap so i guess that means it's done it's job of chasing away the Funk Sisters and their crew. i am now officially "devoid of funk" (thank you George Clinton LOL) i used some of my daughter's baby lotion on my most dry areas -- heels, ankles, 'bows (ok fine, elbows ok?), arms and legs. i guess when a woman is going thru "the change" her skin must have a tendency to become very dry. since i've been in my 40s i've noticed that.

well, now that i'm devoid of funk, i'll probably sleep real good tonite. oh btw, Scootie Bug is sick so i wont be keeping him the rest of this week. he's been fussy too bcuz he's teething and i saw where a lil "plug" was trying to peep thru his lower gums. i miss him already.

life goes on....

well i guess it's official. V, the woman who i had become friends with called me today and told me that she couldnt remain friends with me knowing what she does about my bisexuality, that she doesnt want to accept it because it goes against her Christian beliefs that it is wrong. *sigh*

somehow i knew it was coming. and you know what? i really dont feel bad about it at all. she has every right to feel or believe the way she chooses and i also have the right to be me and love God in my own way. so it's cool. all i can say is i wish her well on her "spiritual journey" and that she finds happiness and true love with a man who will treat her with love, respect, affirmation, edification and hold her in high esteem.

ok. nicey nice's are over. to be brutally honest, i'm GLAD it's over. i was getting tired of hearing about how this man did this and this guy did or said something that hurt her feelings. i tried my best to be a good listening ear, and never ONCE did i pass judgement on her. i knew she is still struggling with her illnesses, and i am very aware that with the illnesses she has a person can have poor judgement in certain situations, which will cause them to behave in a self-destructive manner. yet, still i listened, and i listened with an open mind. but hey, it's all good. if i dont ever have another female friend, so be it. i'm happy with my blogging friends--EXTREMELY happy! i feel you guys understand better than any friends i could have and are blessed to have. no matter how we communicate with each other, be it thru our blogs, email, IM or whatever, YOU ARE VERY SPECIAL TO ME.

and that being said.....life goes on.

adventures in babysitting - part 3 - me and "Scootie Bug"

today i have my "grandbaby". and he's teething...he tries to put his lil fist in his mouth and anything else too LOL. he is so precious to me. his mommy brought him over around 8 am and he had gotten sleepy so i gave him his bottle and as soon as those darlin eyes started getting heavy i was about to give him his "Binky" and i looked in his bag for it and *gasp* IT WASNT THERE!!!! *insert dramatic music here*

while he slept, i slipped out to get him a Binky. i had to put on half my closet to run around to the store, and MAN it is COLD outside! good gawd! it's not like the usual one he has, this one looks like the one i used to buy for my girls when they were babies. nevertheless, i got it. i know when he wakes up he's gonna wanna play and wanna eat too, so i'm making this post kinda short. right now, i am soooooooooo sleepy! his mom had to be at work at 8:30, so i'm gonna be good and tired when she (or her sister or her b/f) comes to pick him up. i nicknamed him "Scootie Bug" cuz when i sit him in his rocker chair and i play with him he laughs and scoots to the edge of the chair. it is just too cute! and he is too adorable when he smiles or laughs.

"Scootie Bug" has once again stolen my heart, just like if he were my blood grandchild. i know when my oldest has a baby, be it boy or girl (altho i'm hoping for a granddaughter) that lil rascal is gonna be spoiled rotten. hell, i spoiled both my daughters, and it's a grandma's duty to spoil her grandbabies, right? of course! *big cheesy grin*

brrrrrrrrrrrrr.....it's colder'n polar bear and penguin shit outside!

the 'hood version of "the Christmas Song"

Homeless hands
are warming
over an open fire
between swigs of
Wild Irish Rose
Old Crazy Carol
sleeps on a
bed of old tires
and the pimps
are collectin' money
and slappin 'round
their ho's....

all the winos know
Night Train, Thunderbird
8-Ball and Cisco
help them to
sleep at night
inside a cardboard box
bcus they
got no place else
to go
on a bitter cold
and wintry night

most of us
are poor
and wait for "check day"
because we got rent
and bills to pay
meanwhile a hungry child
begins to cry
watchin her mama
OD'd on tainted smack
and then die....

this is life
in the 'hood
from day to day
where folks
do what
they gotta do
to survive
yet you'll hear
the peeps say
many times
and many ways
"i thank God
i'm still alive...."

if anyone is offended by this parody of "The Christmas Song" i apologize. but i have to bring it to ya real. this is what goes on in my 'hood from day to day. for some, Christmas will be merry, with food, fun and gifts; for those who live in the 'hood as i do, Christmas will be just another day on the calendar thanking God we still here. personally i dont celebrate Christmas, because of my upbringing as a Muslim. though we do believe in Jesus Christ; we do not believe that he was born on the 25th of December. i know i'm gonna probably catch a lot of flak about this, but i have not found anyplace in the Bible where it specifically said that Christ was born December 25; on the contrary, historians of religion have said there is no true date as to when Christ was born, altho they have made educated guesses that he may have been born in one of the fall months, like September, but it is uncertain. but i digress.

anyway, as i have mentioned before, i do respect those Christians who observe Christmas as the birth of Christ. that is your belief, and i respect it. with the parody, i am only giving a honest view of life in many impoverished neighborhoods. it is not meant to be funny, it is meant to be REAL.

pissed off to high pissivity

Nicole (Bipolar Princess) just sent me an email not too long ago saying that Public Aid (or Medicaid) will not be covering Seroquel because they feel it's not "medically necessary."

are they insane? not medically necessary? WTF? Seroquel is prescribed to many many people with varying mental illnesses, from bipolar, depression w/psychotic features, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, and to me, is an excellent drug. yes it has it's negatives, i.e., weight gain, sugar or carb cravings and sometimes a touch of CRS (cant remember shit) lol, but overall, it is an excellent mood stabilizer and antipsychotic.

i guess those idiots in Illinois government havent been around a person who is say, schizophrenic and have not taken their meds, or for whatever reason, quit taking their meds. now, i'm not picking on anyone who has schizophrenia, but unfortunately they are the ones who are always portrayed on TV as wild-eyed, dirty, disheveled and sometimes violent lunatics who go around mindlessly stabbing people or worse, babbling, drooling lunatics, which we know in real life, is not necessarily true, though unfortunately there are some mentally ill people who are like what is portrayed on TV, but more often than not they are in the minority.

for Medicaid to not cover this drug because THEY feel that it isnt "medically necessary" should perhaps pay a visit to the state-run psychiatric hospitals where some of the patients who STOPPED TAKING THEIR MEDS are, and observe how they interact; or pay a visit to a hospital psych unit and observe how those patients interact (or not) with each other when they, too, decided to NOT TAKE THEIR MEDS anymore and have to be put back on them because they relapsed into the psychotic behavior because of being either non-med compliant, or because they used street drugs in addition to the prescribed meds and now they are all out of order.

i'd like to know who the fuck it was that deemed Seroquel isnt "medically necessary". my God, this particular medication for those of us who take it, is the one thing that keeps us from the brink of insanity. sure there are other antipsychotic/mood stabilizers that probably are as good as Seroquel, but for those of us who take it and it helps us, this crap from Medicaid is pure BULLSHIT.

my suggestion to those of y'all who take Seroquel, and see a pdoc on the regular, perhaps you can ask him/her for samples of Seroquel- that's how i've been keeping up with it, bcuz my pdoc gives me enough samples to last until i see him again. most pdocs will give you samples, but in the event yours wont or dont, go to www.seroquel.com where the makers of Seroquel, AstraZeneca offers a program for people who have no insurance and who cant afford their meds, or, in this instance now, where Medicaid wont cover it.

i'm almost afraid to ask what other much needed meds wont be covered anymore thru Medicaid. for those of y'all who also have physical ailments, such as hypertension, diabetes, arthritis, etc, be forewarned. if Medicaid feels Seroquel is not "medically necessary" God only knows what they may say about certain meds for the aforementioned physical illnesses.

in the words of the late Marvin Gaye, all of this "makes me wanna holla and throw up both my hands."

Medicaid can kiss my ass. Fuckers.

"Sweet Bitter Love"

well, tomorrow is the 1st of December, and almost the close of another year. it's been one, lemme tell ya. for me, it's been a year of mostly tears. for those of you who actually bother to read my blog, my dad passed away on the 1st of March, and his passing left a huge hole in my heart. the meds i'm on now have literally made me numb emotionally, but there are still times that the tears slip up on me and i cant help but weep.

also, next month on the 12th would have been my mama's 83rd birthday. though mama was hell on wheels at times, i still miss her. but i know that she and Daddy are back together again and they both are forever young and happy and filled with joy and arent suffering from the illnesses that took them away. mama is with Daddy, and all her sisters and brother, and my grandma and grandpa on her side and Daddy is with my grandma and grandpa on his side.

reflecting back on all of this made me think of a song by Aretha Franklin called "Sweet Bitter Love".....

spoken intro: " i talk to you today... we loved each other, for so long, in that special way... and if circumstances... should keep us apart (sung: i just want you to know)

that you...
will remain....
forever....
here..
in my heart.........."


Sweet....
Sweet bitter love
The taste
Still lingers
Though thru my
Helpless fingers
You slipped away, oh, yes you did

Sweet....my sweet bitter love
What joy you taught me
And what pain
You didnt mean to
But you brought me
In so short
Baby, in so short a stay......

My magic
Dreams
Have lost
Their spell....
And where
Where there
Was hope is
Now an
An empty shell.....

Oh sweet
my, my my bitter love
Why have you
Awakened
And then
You'd forsaken
A trusting heart
Like mine....

Oh our magic
Dreams have lost
Their spell
And where
Where there was hope
Oh look at me now
There is
An empty shell....

Oh sweet
My my my, my my
Bitter love,
What you awakened
And then
And then
And then
You had forsaken
A trusting heart...
Like mine....
Oh I love you so
Yes I do
A trusting heart
Like...
Mine.

from the album "Who's Zoomin' Who?"
Music and lyrics by Aretha Franklin (c) 1985, Arista Records.